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Grammar help!
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Near Boulder, CO
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I am putting together a photo book and I want someone to check my grammar... it keeps sounding like we are dead... which is not true 
I took a sailing trip this last summer with my grandpa and a few others, the photo book contains a bunch of the pictures i took
("XXXXX" is not really the boat name.... )
"XXXXX" and her crew left Boston Massachusetts April 20th 2007, and traveled more then 3,500 Miles across the Atlantic Ocean to the british territory of Gibraltar. The trip took 30 days "with a stop in the Portuguese islands of the Açores". This adventure will never be forgotten by her crew.
I dont know about the quotes around the portuguese islands part, and I am open to any suggestions, even completely different sayings.... this is for the first page of the photo book (but not the cover)
THANK YOU!
Zach
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Professional Poster
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Moderator  Join Date: Jan 2001
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your last sentence is passive voice, which makes it sound weird.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Aug 2001
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Originally Posted by Cold Warrior 
your last sentence is passive voice, which makes it sound weird.
if it says "This adventure Would never be forgotten by her crew" it makes it sound like we are dead...
thus my issue...
Zach
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Apr 2003
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My aunt does a lot of these, and she always does it straight from her point of view, which works just fine. E.g., instead of “This adventure will never be forgotten by her crew,” say “We’ll always remember this adventure.” You’re not writing an academic paper – people enjoy colloquial narration.
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Yamanashi, Japan
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Afterwards the adventure was completely forgotten by her crew.
That would be great.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Near Boulder, CO
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Originally Posted by Sage
My aunt does a lot of these, and she always does it straight from her point of view, which works just fine. E.g., instead of “This adventure will never be forgotten by her crew,” say “We’ll always remember this adventure.” You’re not writing an academic paper – people enjoy colloquial narration.
Good point...
hows this...
The Crew and I left Boston Massachusetts April 20th 2007, and traveled more then 3,500 Miles across the Atlantic Ocean with a brief stop in the Açores and ending at the British territory of Gibraltar. The trip took an exhausting 30 days. The memories we made on this great adventure will never be forgotten.
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Originally Posted by phantomdragonz
We left Boston, Massachusetts on May 20, 2007 and traveled more than 3,500 miles across the Atlantic Ocean to the British territory of Gibraltar. The trip took an exhausting 30 days, including a five day ordeal in the Açores waiting out a storm. The memories we made on this great adventure will never be forgotten.
Fixed™?
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Aug 2001
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Originally Posted by AKcrab
Fixed™?
We left Boston, Massachusetts on May 20, 2007 and traveled more than 3,500 miles across the Atlantic Ocean to the British territory of Gibraltar. The trip took an exhausting 30 days, including a five day stop in the Açores waiting out a storm. The memories we made on this great adventure will never be forgotten.
I dont like "ordeal" it was not bad, but it was much longer then our planned 2 days... not that i really complained after being on the boat for 2 weeks!
I think I might stick with this... I wont submit the book for another few hours, so any other advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Dedicated MacNNer
Join Date: Jan 2002
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It was a dark and stormy night...
I think Açores is spelled Azores in english.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Aug 2001
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Originally Posted by gbhgbh
It was a dark and stormy night...
I think Açores is spelled Azores in english.
I dont like Americanizing foreign places... although I would change it for most asian places, and places that would not otherwise be understood...
Açores and Azores basically the same... and after seeing it for as long as I did I prefer the real spelling...
Zach
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Mar 2001
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I'm not sure if you "make" memories... maybe "form" memories?
I think it might be better to say "Our collective experiences will be truly memorable"? (maybe leave out the word "collective")?
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In the South
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Aug 2001
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well I submitted the book to apple...
I have already made one for my grandpa a few months ago... these will be gifts.
My grandpa told me he shows everyone who comes to the house...
thanks for all your help... I really appreciate it!
Zach
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Mar 2003
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You are cool for doin that for your family Zach.
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2000
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Too late I guess, but I'd have changed the "made" memories part, and would definitely have dropped the "exhausting" thing... it makes it sound like a chore.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Aug 2001
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Originally Posted by Cipher13
Too late I guess, but I'd have changed the "made" memories part, and would definitely have dropped the "exhausting" thing... it makes it sound like a chore.
it's not like it was a cruise... 4 hours on 6 hours off in constant rotation. our autopilot broke on our last leg of the trip... a week steering a VERY heavy helmed boat by hand was no fun! it was quite exhausting...
and as far as the memories part... I like it...
Zach
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Professional Poster
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The SS Minnow and her crew left Boston on April 20, 2007 and sailed more than 3,500 miles across the Atlantic to the British territory of Gibraltar. The trip, which took 30 days and included a stop in the Portuguese islands of the Açores, was an adventure that the crew will never forget.
By the way, it is more than and not more then.
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Clinically Insane
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An ellipse is used to indicate a missing word or sentence fragment, or to indicate a continuing list or pattern. Swap it with a comma or start a new sentence.
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"…I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally Posted by olePigeon
An ellipse is used to indicate a missing word or sentence fragment, or to indicate a continuing list or pattern. Swap it with a comma or start a new sentence.
An ellipsis, and I see that phantomdragonz had already fixed the "than" error. Doh!
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