[glurx]

A hooker says to a guy "I'll do anything you want for $20." The guy looks at her and replies "anything?" "Yeah" the hooker says "I'll do whatever you want no matter how kinky!" "Fine" says the guy "here's twenty bucks, paint my house."

[demon's_wood68]

Q: What washes up on really small beaches?

A: Microwaves.

Heh. Try it when you're screwed up on something. Its even better.

- Ca$h

[eep!]

Two fish in a tank, fish a turns to fish b and says "how the hell do we drive this thing?"

[fobside]

did you hear about the new pirate movie?

its rated ARRRRRRRR!


so its better said than written...

[BuonRotto]

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

[mr_sonicblue]

Q: Why do women wear make-up?
A: Because they're ugly.

Q: What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What does a fish say when it hits a wall?
A: Dam.

(Dead baby jokes: )

Q: How do you load a pile of babies into a truck?
A: With a pitch fork.

Q: What's pink, red, and screaming in the corner?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.

Q: What's pink, red, and green?
A: The same baby 3 weeks later.

Q: What's 2 feet tall and can't fit through the bathroom door?
A: A baby with a spear through its head.

Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: Because it was stapled to the chicken.

[ 09-02-2001: Message edited by: mr_sonicblue ]

[poocat]

ok.
so this joke is mildly offensive... well... perhaps very offensive...
and i'm going to post it anyway, because... well... because i have no tact.
so... here:

q: what's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

a: not being retarded.

poocat.
(i apologize...)

[demon's_wood68]

Heh.

Q: Why'd the monkey cross the road?

A: It was stapled to the chicken.

HEheHhe

- Ca$h

[-Q-]

Two nuns walk into a bar.

The priest ducks.

*GROAN*

[Millennium]

Two baby seals walk into a club.

[Stogieman]

Q: How do you tie German shoes?
A: With little-Nazis.

Q: What's the last thing a Redneck says before he dies?
A: Hey ya all....WATCH THIS!!!

Q: A blond, brunette and a red head are all in the 5th grade. Which one is the tallest?
A: The blond, because she's 18.

Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date.

Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

p.s. - poocat, don't feel bad, that retard joke was hillarious.

[eep!]

ok, this joke is probably going to get me branded a racist, but i'm not. i heard it on the radio about six months ago and somehow i remembered it, anyway, here goes:

Q. What do you call a pakistani* pool attendant?

A. Didyahandya armbandsin (say it out loud and fast (-ish))

*this term isn't racist, it's used to define a person who was born in (or decended from thos born in) Pakistan. (it may be spelled wrong, but that's my problem, don't take it personally)

[Timo]

1. OK, a sad horse walks into a bar, bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

2. [From a book sold to third graders called "101 Travel Jokes", Scholastic]:
Q: Where does Santa Claus go on vacation?
A: To a ho-ho-hotel.

,T

[itomato]

Q: How many Country Western musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 5. 1 to screw in the bulb, and four to sing about how much they miss the old one.

[ 09-02-2001: Message edited by: itomato ]

[Monique]

My boss making stupid remarks on Asians like they are stupid because they do not speak English really well.

And is f... wife make jokes on the abilities of ex-employees.

[Gregg]

#1
Arkansas state trooper pulls over an in-state car. Trooper walks up to the car, and asks the driver, "Got any I.D.?" Driver responds, "'Bout what?"

#2
Stranger passing through small Arkansas town notices an odd Nativity scene outside City Hall. He goes inside, sees the receptionist, and strikes up a conversation. Getting to the point, he says, "I see your Nativity scene outside. It's very nice. Now, I get the manger, the baby, the mother, father, and the shepherds. But, why are there three firemen? You know, the figures with all that gear on; firemen's hats, rain gear, boots, the whole works." Receptionist rolls her eyes at the stranger and drawls, "Mister, everbody knows them three wise men came from afar."

[TheJoshu]

What's brown and green and if it falls out of a tree on you, will probably kill you?

A pool table.

::shrug::

[TheJoshu]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Second guy should've known better.

[CharlesS]

Science definitions:

A cookie is just a cookie, but Newtons are mass*acceleration

Argon: All of us when finals are over and the dorms close
Boron: An idiot, when you have a cold
Silicon: A clown who ends up in jail

Hertz: How your head feels after final exams
Absolute Zero: The grade you get if you don't study
Tension: What occurs if some idiot makes noise during an exam (see: Force)

Ha, I'll bet no one can get much dumber than these.

[MikeM32]

Incidentally I'm not religious, but I was raised in a Christian home, and did the whole first confirmation / first holy communion thing. So while I don't believe in it, some religious humor strikes me as funny since I know a bit about that whole sect.

So a Busload of nuns falls off a deep ravine and they all die.

They all go to heaven and are waiting in line to confess thier earthly sins before St. Peter who guards the gates of heaven.

The first nun steps up to the gate. St. Peter stops her and inquires; "Do you have any earthly sins to confess?"

The first nun replies, somewhat nervously: "Well, once I saw a mans penis."

Motioning to an urn of holy water near the gates to heaven, St. Peter replies to the nun; "Wash your eyes in the holy water and enter the gates of heaven."

The second nun approaches the gate and again St. Peter inquires; "Do you have any earthly sins to confess?"

The second nun replies, blushing this time; "Well....one time I touched a mans penis."

Motioning to the urn of holy water again, St. Peter replies to the second nun; "Wash your hands in the holy water and enter the gates of heaven."

Suddenly the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun on line. St. peter is shocked by her lack of respect and demands; "You must wait your turn young lady."

The fourth nun angrily replies motioning towards the third nun; "If you think I'm gargling in that water after she's had her A$$ in thier, you're crazy"

Mike

[tinrib]

Q: What do you call an Indian karaoke singer?
A: Gerupta Singh

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'll have a .............................................. beer." Barman says "Why the big paws?"

Q: What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto

There's this guy, really into farming machinery, has pictures of tractors and **** all over his room and stuff. Anyway, there's a county show with loads of cool combine harvesters, tractors, ploughs etc. So he sees this cool tractor, and gets in to get a feel for the thing, has a play with the gear stick, gets comfy. Anyway a guy comes along, sees him in the tractor and goes mental - "get out of my tractor you stinking piece of **** - if I ever see you around it again you're dead meat" etc etc... anyway he makes a quick exit and carries on walking round the show - sees another tractor even nicer than the first one, so he gets in it but weary from his last experience doesn't really touch anything. Anyway the owner comes along and has a similar reaction - "What the hell are you doing in my tractor - get the hell out of there! etc etc." So he's feeling pretty dejected but then his spirits are lifted when he sees this real beaut of a tractor. He decides he's not even going to go near it but the owner catches him looking at it and comes over - "What the **** are you looking at my tractor for you ****ing prick? Get the **** out of here before I make you!"

This guy's now fed up. He says to himself "**** this, and **** tractors. I'm off to the pub" - so he gets to the pub and its full of people from the show and incredibly smoky - he asks the barman to open a window but the barman says the windows are all open - there's just too much smoke, so our man says "It's ok, I'll sort it". He takes a deep breath, goes outside, exhales, comes back in and the air is clear. Barman says "how the **** did you do that?" the reply - "I'm an ex-tractor fan!"

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

Because so many of them own phones.

[- - e r i k - -]

- - - - -

A young indian boy asks his father, the chief, about his origin of his name. His father replies:
"Well, you know, here in our tribe we have the custom of naming our children after events related to their birth or conception. So your sister name is named Stormy Rain because of the weather the day she was born. And because a deer passed outside our tent the day your brother came into this world, he is called Running Deer. So, was there anything else you wanted to know, Faulty Rubber?"

[Niubi]

Knew this guy once, his best joke <and he told it all the time> went like this...

q: Why is a blonde like a washing machine?

a: Koz they both drip when their fawked

hehehehhehehehehehe

well? you did ask for dumb jokes....

[Fyre4ce]

Why is there a line at the graveyard?


People are dying to get in!

[Rolling Musubi]

A jogger found a tennis ball in the park, since no one was around he put it in the pocket of his shorts.

On his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the light to change.

A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "whats that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"oh", said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

[Rolling Musubi]

Origin of Mad Cow Disease:

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady : Good evening sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "do you know that the bull f***s the cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

The Farmer : Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?

The Lady : Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer : I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t*ts four times a day and only f***ing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

[shmerek]

A priest, rabbi and lawyer are on the Titanic. It is sinking and they are about to get on the last lifeboat.
The Rabbi says "Wait what about the children think of the children?!?"
The lawyer says "F*** the children!"
The priest says "Do you think we have time?"

[Matsu]

Get ready, this one is pretty stupid.


You ask: What's the difference between an orange?

Probable response: An Orange? and what?

You answer: Just an Orange.

2nd stupified response: I dunno.

Punch Line: A telephone pole, because a motorcycle has no doors!


It's amazing how (under the correct circumstances and delivery) this one never fails to get a laugh.

[Ruddigger]

Two muffins are in an oven, one turns to the other and says "Man, it's hot in here"

The other one says "HOLY SHI�, a talking muffin!"

[lucylawless]

two fishermen find a good spot to fish.

fisherman 1: "This is a good spot. Take this crayon and go mark the bottom of the lake so we can find it again."

fisherman 2 jumps in, and later resurfaces.

fisherman 2: "I got tired swimming down to the bottom, so I came back and marked the bottom of the boat, instead"

fisherman 1: "you idiot! What if we get a different boat next time?!"

[simonjames]

All the good jokes I know are slightly dirty - am I allowed to post a slightly filthy joke? Ok for over 14 year olds I think

[VirtualWolf]

eep: ROFL!!

Incredibly dumb jokes like that absolutely crack me up for some reason

Matsu: Heheheh, I've heard that one before

[TheJoshu]

So, there's a bricklayer, and he's sort of an idiot savant - he prides himself on his ability to calculate the *exact* number of bricks he'll need for any given job. One day, a man calls him up and asks him to build a wall. He accepts the job, gets the dimensions of the wall, and calculates that it will take precisely 49 bricks to build it (it's not a particularly large wall). So he goes to his local brick & tile store and asks for 49 bricks. The man he speaks to says, "You're in luck! We just got a shipment of bricks in the other day. They come in packages of 50." The bricklayer gets very angry, and starts yelling - he only needs 49 bricks to finish his task. Finally, he gives in, and accepts the 50 bricks. He goes back and completes the wall. And lo and behold, it took 49 bricks! So he takes that last brick in his hand, and he throws it up into the air.

[ 09-04-2001: Message edited by: TheJoshu ]

[DBursey]

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put
his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

"Yes" she says, "could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As
she was quite attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you
meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

[kneissl]

why is it that every time I pick my nose, a few minutes later it's full again?

[saltines17]

Originally posted by Matsu:
<STRONG>Get ready, this one is pretty stupid.


You ask: What's the difference between an orange?

Probable response: An Orange? and what?

You answer: Just an Orange.

2nd stupified response: I dunno.

Punch Line: A telephone pole, because a motorcycle has no doors!


It's amazing how (under the correct circumstances and delivery) this one never fails to get a laugh.</STRONG>

Hehehehe Matsu, I just tried this one with my friend -- didn't work too well:

Me: "What's the difference between an orange?"
Friend: "That's a non-sensical logical fallacy."

After that I could NOT continue the joke, I was too busy laughing my head off

[Korv]

Originally posted by Matsu:
<STRONG>
You ask: What's the difference between an orange?

Probable response: An Orange? and what?

You answer: Just an Orange.

2nd stupified response: I dunno.

Punch Line: A telephone pole, because a motorcycle has no doors!
</STRONG>

Oh my goodness gracious, I have heard that joke before. I've even told it. Samething with the motorcycle and everything. Small world. Anyway, here's a few of mine:

What's the SAME about a duck and an elephant?
They both have four legs. Except the duck.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.

Why were the elephants wearing the same shoes?
Because they were in the same bowling league.

What do you call an elephant on a motorcycle?
An elephant on a motorcycle.

What do you call an elephant with a crash helmet and earmuffs on?
Any dang thing you want... he can't hear you!

How many elephants can you fit in a VW Beetle?
Four. Two up front and two in back.

How do you know when an elephant has been raiding your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look! Here come the elephants over the hill."

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

Why do elephants have red testicles?
To hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
See, it works.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, same as usual but I don't know how you'd get them in there.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100. One to hold the lighbulb, and 99 to drink until the room spins.

How many rock climbers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and he doesn't even need chair.

How many militant feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
ONE, AND ITS NOT FUNNY! STOP LAUGHING!

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Darkness will be declared the new standard.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.

And I can't resist, so here are some of my favorite anachronistic jokes:

What were Christie McAuliff's last words?
"What does this big red button do?"

What was the first thing heard in the contraol tower after the Chalenger exploded?
I meant a Bud Light!

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.

How many Branch Davidians can you get in a VW Beetle?
100: 2 up front, 2 in back, and 96 in the ash tray.

And last but not least... did you hear the one about the dislexic, agnostic, insomniac?
She sat up all night wodering if there was a dog.

I could go on for days, but I'll stop there... for now....

[OldManMac]

Did you hear about the (insert your own here) who was so dumb that he/she was caught staring at a can of orange juice because it was labeled "concentrate"?

[Korv]

Oh, I can't resist. How often do you get a dumb jokes thread.

-----

One day a man wins the lotery. He pays off his debts, buts a new house and a new car. Still haveing millions of dollas, he sets about fulfilling his lifelong fantasies. "Well, I've always wanted to ring the bells at Notre Dame." So he buys a plane ticket to Paris, and stays the night in the best hotel. The next day he goes to Notre Dame and fortunatly sees a priest walking by. He pulls him aside and says "It has been my life long dream to ring the bells at Notre Dame. Is there any way could persuade you to let me ring the bells at noon today?" The priest replies "I'm sorry. We usually don't allow to be rung by anyone other than a man of the cloth to ring the bells here." The man replies "Please. I will give you any anout of money you ask. Just let me ring the bells. It has been my dream my entire life." The priest checks his watch, and says to the man "Perhaps we can both help each other. You can keep your money, but I have an appointment with the Bishop right now, but its my turn on the schedule to ring the bells. I could let you ring the bells while I meet with the Bishop, and no one would be the wiser." With the the priest leads the man up to the bell tower. The man grab hold of the rope and readies to ring the bell. The priest says "Oh no. This is a sacred bell and cannot be touched by mortal hands. You must ring this bell with your forehead." "What?!?" "Like this," says the priest, as he rears back and hits the bell wth his forehead. BOOOOOONG. "I have to go see the Bishop now. Remeber to ring it with your forehead, 12 rings and no more, and when you are done let your seld out without anyone seeing. With that the priest leaves. The man shrugs, and doing just what the priest did rears back and smacks the bell with his forehead. BOOOOONG. BOOOOOONG. BOOOOONG. On the fourth strike, he mistimes the sminging bell, and it knocks him off balance. The teeters, and topples, and falls down all 244 strairs going up to the bell tower. The fall kills him, and he lies dead at the base of the stairway. His body causes quite a comotion with the clergy at the church. "Who is this man?" "What is he doing in our church?" they say to eachother. Soon the Bishop and the priest come by. Seeing the dead man and the comotion, he turned to the priest and asked "Do you know who this man is. The priest said "Hmmmmmmmmmm... no, I don't. But his face rings a bell."

-----

A man was walking down the street one day, when an old man approached him. "Please sir, could you spare a dollar. I need to catch the bus." The man declined and kept walking, but the old man persisted. "Please sir. I really need to catch the bus. I can sell you this duck for a dollar." Not knowing what he would do with the duck, but thinkning it too good a deal to pass up, he gave the old man a dollar and took the duck. A few blocks later he passed a prostitute, who whispered to him "twenty dollars". as he passed. She was very attractive so he staopped. "I'm afraid I don't have $20, but I can give you this duck." THe prostitute contemplated it, the motioned for him to follow her up to a room. They made wild love for the good part of an hour, and when they were done, the man was getting ready to leave when the prostitute said to him "That was the best sex I've ever had. Listen, I know this is out of the ordinary, but I'll give you the duck back if you will just make love to me again." The man obliged, and it was another hour befeore he left. While leaving the building, worn out from exhausting activity, the duck got away from him and ran into the street. A bus was hiurtling down the street and *thwack* pummeled the duck. It was nothing but a stain on the road after the bus had gone by. Not wanting to leave the duck that brought him so much luck, he peeled it off the pavement, and proceeded on his way home. A wildly excited man approached him and said "Oh my god! That is a rare Duckus Featherus. Please sir, can I have that duck carcas... I am an ornithologist and it would help my reasearch greatly. I'll even pay you." They agreed on a price of two dollars, and the man went home. "What a crazy afternoon I've had," he said to his roommate. "Really? What happened?" "Well..." began the man, "I got a duck for a buck, a fvck for a duck, a duck for a fvck, and two bucks for a fvcked up duck."

-----

One day a man was hunting, when he saw a huge prize bear down by a pond drinking. He quietly took aim and *BLAM* completely missed the bear. The bear turned and charged the man. Before he could get off another shot, the bear caight him, and beat him smartly about the head and neck. The bear lifted him off the ground, looked him in the eye and said "Look buddy, don't you ever do that again� or else! Got it." The bear threw the man a good 5 feet through the air, and procede back toward the pond. The man picked up his rifle and *BLAM* fired again. He missed again. The bear turned and swatted the rifle from his hands. "Now you're gunna pay." said the bear, as he whipped out his huge nasty bear schlong. "Suck it!" "What?!?" said the hunter. "You heard me," said the bear, "suck it." Seeing as how he didn't have a chance without his gun, the man put his moth on the huge gnarly disgusting bear sclong and sucked. It reeked and he choked and gagged contantly. After five minutes of this the bear tossed him ten feet through the air and started walking back to the pond.. Recovering his will, and spitting out bear spooge, the man cralwed over to his gun and *BLAM* completely missed again. The bear again slapped the gun out of his hands, and growled "bend over." Since he had no chance without his gun, the man grabbed his ankles. The bear whipped out his huge nasty bear scholg, and rammed it right in the man's a$$. For ten minutes the bear punished the man with his oozing dripping gross member, til finally he swiped and throw the man 15 feet through the air, and went back to the pond. Unable to walk, the man dragged himself to his gun. He took careful air and *BLAM* missed yet again. The bear ran back over to the man, slapped the gun out of his hand, looked him in the eye and said� "You're not here to hunt, are you?"

-----

If you're really lucky, I'll tell the Clown Joke.

[Korv]

A Hindu, a Muslim, and a lawyer were traveling through the country side together, when their car broke down. They walked to a nearby farm. They asked to use the phone, and found that no one was able to tow them until the next day. The farmer said "That's alright. You can spend the night here. I have room enough for two in the spare bedroom, but one of you will have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu volunteered to sleep in the barn, and they settled in for bed. Five minutes later there was a ring at the doorbell. It was the Hindu. "I'm afraid that in my faith cows are sacred animals, and I'm afraid that I cannot bed with such a sacred being. The Muslim volunteered to sleep in the barn, but five minutes later there was a ring at the doorbell. It was the Muslim. In my faith pigs are considdered filthy animals, and I'm afraid I cannot bed with such a filthy beast. The lawyer obligingly opted to sleep in the barn. Sure enough five minutes later there was a ring at the doorbell. It was the pig and the cow.

-----And one for the nerds out there.

Some psychologists were preforming an experiment, and rounded up a Physicist, a Mathemetician, and an Engineer as subjects.

They placed them in three diferent rooms, and asked the following question: Evaluate the hypothese that all odd numbers are prime. The Mathemetician said "Well, 3 is odd and its prime, 5 is odd and its prime, 7 is odd and its prime, 9 is odd but its not prime. So the hypothesis must be false." The Physicist said "Well, 3 is odd and its prime, 5 is odd and its prime, 7 is odd and its prime, 9 is odd but its not prime, 11 is odd and its prime, 13 is odd and its prime. 9 must be experimental error. The hypothesis is true. The Engineer said "Well, 3 is odd and its prime, 5 is odd and its prime, 7 is odd and its prime, 9 is odd and its prime, 11 is odd and its prime...."

Next, still in separate rooms, they gave each a bucket of water. Then while left alone, they lit a small fire in the corner of each room. The Engineer looks at the fire, looks at the bucket, looks at the fire, looks at the bucket, and determines that there is twice as much water in the bucket as is needed to put out the fire. So he picks up the bucket, and pours half the water on the fire and puts it out. The Physicist looks at the fire, looks at the bucket, looks at the fire, looks at the bucket, and determines that the amount of water in the bucket is more than enough to put the fire out, so he picks up the bucket, pours it all on the fire, and puts it out. The Mathermetician looks at the fire, looks at the bucket, looks at the fire, looks at the bucket, and determines there is enough water in the bucket to put the fire out. The fire got out of control and the Mathemetician got minor burns....

The experiment concluded, and each having been handed $100 for their trouble, the three decided to spend the afternoon at the horse track. They decided to go their separate ways, and see would could run up the $100 the most. When they got together at the end of the day, they swapped stories. The Physicist said "I don't understand it. I took into considereation the win/loss record of all the horses, and factored in the jockies records, as well as their experience and records on today's surface. I put my money on only the horses that had the best statistical chance of winning, and yet I lost all my money today." The Engineer, with solemn face, chimed in "I don't understand it either. I took into account the weight and muscle density of each horse, included jockies weight, and computed the exact power rating for each horse. I bet on the horse with the best power rating in each race, but I still lost all my money today." The Mathemetician just said, with a grin on his face as he lit a huge cigar with a bill, "I won every one of my bets today." "Come on," chided the Physicist and the Engineer, "tell us your secret to success." "Well, began the Mathemetician, "First I assumed that all the horses were identical, and shereical...."

[simonjames]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh*t out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little f****r. He makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[buon working]

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Darkness will be declared the new standard.

My favorite Apple joke: (Still true?)

Q: How many Apple engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One. They just hold the lightbulb and let the world revolve around them.

Gotta take 'em like you give 'em.

This next one is kind of mean and off-color to say the least, please don't get mad!

They say that *boinking* a fat girl is a lot like riding a motorscooter...

It's a lot of fun but you would never admit to it!

Aain, sorry.

[ 09-05-2001: Message edited by: buon working ]

[Scrod]

Oh oh, I've got this GREAT joke:

There once was a guy who tried to tell a joke.
It was stupid, wasn't funny, and didn't make any sense.

[buon working]

bitter?

[Scrod]

Originally posted by buon working:
<STRONG>bitter?</STRONG>

No no, you don't get the joke! You see, it's self-referencing, so the telling of the joke is a part of the joke itself.

[TheJoshu]

So, there's a woman on a plane, riding with her small, loud dog. Across the aisle is a man smoking a cigar. The doug coughs on the thick smoke, and the woman yells at the man to put out his cigar. He counters, telling her to shut her dog up. She says, "Throw your cigar out the window already!" His response? "Why don't you throw your dog out the window?" They bicker like this for quite some time until the stewardess comes down and says, "Alright, enough of this, quiet down! Sir, you throw your cigar out the window. And, madam, throw your dog out your window." So, reluctantly, both passengers comply. They sit in angry silence until the end of the flight. As the passengers are disembarking, the woman hears a scratching sound on the side of the plane. Soon enough, the dog comes happily trouncing down the aisle to its owner. And what does it have in it's mouth?

The brick.

[CharlesS]

This is not exactly a joke, but it's funny because it gets about 99% of people you ask it to. Make sure you let them say what they think the answer is before telling the correct answer.

Q. Why didn't Beethoven finish the Unfinished Symphony?

A. Beethoven didn't write the Unfinished Symphony. Schubert did.

[SteveTech]

A guy walks into a doctors office with a frog on his head.

The doctor asks what happened?

The frog says it all started with a bump on my ass!


-Steve

[residentEvil]

q. what color is a hiccup?
a. burple


and to continue with the elphant jokes:

q. how do you shoot a blue elephant?
a. with a blue elephant gun.

q. how do you shoot a pink elephant?
a1. with a pink elephant gun?
a2. no duh...paint the elephant blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.