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Xaositect · Jul 3, 2003, 01:46 PM

On Thursday, June 26th, I was informed that a relative of mine had passed away. I had only met him a couple times over the years, really didn't know him, but went to the funeral at the request of my mother, who wanted me there.

Left for location (out of state) friday, arrived friday.

Went to first day of wake Saturday. Informed that due to arguement between those arrainging the funeral, mondy cutoff was missed, and burial would now be tuesday. During wake, one person came up to me and asked when the will was going to be read (greed immediately evident). I ignored her. She asked again. Loudly. I replied "I usually like to put the body in the hole and cover it with dirt before splitting up the plunder". As loudly. I'm off her christmas card list, and now being avoided by the rest of the vultures. Fine by me.

Sunday, a day off (the quiet before the storm). Now for a geography bit to assist in understanding the events of monday: the funeral home is situated between three bars.

Monday. Wake day 2. Group A leaves for bar 1, group B leaves for bar 2. A little later group 3 leaves and ends up at bar 3 (avoiding group A and B). The problem comes when group 4 leaves, and does't have a fourth bar to go to. They end up at bar 2. Fight ensues. Three get hauled off to jail. Group A leaves bar 1 when the bartender cuts them off after having far too many drinks, they realize they don't want to go to the bar with all the police even though they want to keep drinking, so go to bar 3. Fight ensues. Four more hauled off to jail.

Tuesday. Funeral. As there are now so few able bodied people, I am asked to be a pall-bearer. Out of courtesy, I accept. At the service, several of the people who were hauled off by the police yesterday show up (only the ones who made bail). procession to cemetary. While carrying the casket from the hearse to the plot, a fight breaks out and - get this -

four of the pall bearers drop the casket to join the fight!

The fifth pall bearer lets go and dives behind a headstone for cover (smart, or just experienced?), but I didn't let go, not believing anyone would drop a casket deliberately. I end up with a torn muscle in my arm. Well, that did make me let go. Now, I was told later, the person who was supposed to be the pall bearer came up behind me (while I was cluching my arm in pain) and hit me over the head to get back at me for taking his place (never mind that he hadn't posted bail at the time I had accepted). When I came to in the hospital, there was a police officer there to write me up a ticket, but the priest (who was being treated in the next bed) vouched for me, so at least I didn't get a ticket (the priest was having his leg set and a cast put on from the cemetary fight. He hadn't believed he had to duck, either).

I left as soon as possible and am now safely away from those - whatever you wish to call them will be far gentler than what I call them.

This was such fine entertainment (though completely declasse), so I thought I would post it here for your enjoyment.

OptimusG4 · Jul 3, 2003, 01:54 PM

this happens all the time for rednecks! j/k, sounds interesting though.

keekeeree · Jul 3, 2003, 02:06 PM

I don't suppose anybody caught this fiasco at the cemetary on tape?

Seriously, this sounds more like a scene from some dark comedy than reality. The fact that it's reality makes it a bit disturbing, but you're right...definitely one of the more entertaining stories I've read on these boards...ever. Who was this family? The WWE's McMahon Family?

Just sorry you had to live it...much funnier from a distance I'm sure.

philzilla · Jul 3, 2003, 02:11 PM

that's one of the funniest things i've read for some time! awesome!

wdlove · Jul 3, 2003, 02:12 PM

Greed often causes people to do unnatural things!

itomato · Jul 3, 2003, 02:15 PM

Wow. Brother, I feel for you. I just got off the phone with my mother who has been single-handedly battling greedy relatives, lies, and a murderer - her brother.

At that funeral, I was prepared for exactly what you described. Man.

Greed fncking sucks.

How's your arm?

boardsurfer · Jul 3, 2003, 02:32 PM

Originally posted by Xaositect:
When I came to in the hospital, there was a police officer there to write me up a ticket, but the priest (who was being treated in the next bed) vouched for me, so at least I didn't get a ticket (the priest was having his leg set and a cast put on from the cemetary fight. He hadn't believed he had to duck, either).

That is some funny shiat! (aside from the pain and all)

Xaositect · Jul 3, 2003, 03:02 PM

The arm will be okay in two to four weeks, light duty use (under 5 lbs only) for a while.

I have an excellent sense of humour about such events, I even had the nurse, policeman and priest laughing before I was discharged from the hospital.

Oh, I almost forgot the comment I made to one lady(?) on saturday - "No, I will not assist you in your quest for inheritance. You are doing fine going after those dollars all on your own. In fact, I've seen pit bulls with less tenacity than you." (then I defined tenacity for her, at her request) - I expect I'm off her christmas card list, as well. These people did not seem to comprehend I was not interested in the will.

Hey, philzilla (or anyone else who would care to assist), I'm going to try the alcohol eraser method to remove the worst of these memories. Have an extra drink for me this weekend and send any extra inebriation vibes my way to assist, if you would be so kind!

Thanks all!

philzilla · Jul 3, 2003, 03:20 PM

Originally posted by Xaositect:
Hey, philzilla (or anyone else who would care to assist), I'm going to try the alcohol eraser method to remove the worst of these memories. Have an extra drink for me this weekend and send any extra inebriation vibes my way to assist, if you would be so kind!

YOU GOT IT!!!

ringo · Jul 3, 2003, 03:31 PM

Too bad about your arm, but you got a great story out of the ordeal. Damn funny.

mixin visuals · Jul 3, 2003, 03:40 PM

unreal. good thing you didn't try to hide in the casket.

memento · Jul 3, 2003, 04:08 PM

I would find this funny if it were a Benny Hill skit played at 2x speed with funny music and off cue sound effects

, but the fact that it is for real is kinda sad.

thunderous_funker · 04:13 PM

The Kennedy's and Clinton's have nothing on your family!

Glad you can laugh it off. Probably the healthiest response to such savagery.

I'd glady contribute to getting you drunk if I could. You've earned it.

ckohler · Jul 3, 2003, 04:21 PM

What a pathetic family.

macarita · Jul 3, 2003, 04:26 PM

hopefully you have some siblings that your mom can employ for representation in your stead at the next family hoe down...unless of course you are writing a screenplay and the arm injury was a very small price to pay for such juicy material = $$$

andi*pandi · Jul 3, 2003, 04:27 PM

in-freakin-sane.

glad you made it out alive, if not unscathed!

MikeM33 · Jul 3, 2003, 04:52 PM

Sorry about your arm, but what a story. Very funny.

You've convinced me that some of the stuff on shows like Jerry Springer might actually be true.

MikeM

Sarc · Jul 3, 2003, 05:10 PM

this story was fun !

Originally posted by Xaositect:

Hey, philzilla (or anyone else who would care to assist), I'm going to try the alcohol eraser method to remove the worst of these memories. Have an extra drink for me this weekend and send any extra inebriation vibes my way to assist, if you would be so kind!

sure thing ! glad I can assist.

daimoni · 01:30 PM

.

malvolio · Jul 3, 2003, 05:47 PM

Your mother now owes you, big time!

My 6-pack of Sam Adams has your address on its inebriation vibes.

DeathToWindows · Jul 3, 2003, 06:58 PM

I've got a name(s) for them -

1. Brainless
2. Social Parasites
3. ****ing idiots
4. Barbarians
5. Wastes of carbon
6. A drain on planetary resources
7. R�vhul

...too tired to think of more

OldManMac · Jul 3, 2003, 07:58 PM

John,

I'll have a shot of my best Scotch for you! Too funny!

Face Ache · Jul 3, 2003, 08:43 PM

Brilliant story.

Just brilliant.

More of you should suffer for my amusement.

nredman · Jul 3, 2003, 08:52 PM

interesting....people suck, what can you do.

driven · Jul 4, 2003, 12:39 AM

I think the funeral home needs to invest and build a few more bars to avoid such events in the future.

DaKiwi2788 · Jul 4, 2003, 01:34 AM

Goodness! I guess my family isn't as dysfunctional as I thought.

SupahCoolX · Jul 4, 2003, 02:30 AM

Originally posted by keekeeree:
The WWE's McMahon Family?

Only if the Big Bossman drove away with the casket tied to the bumper of his car while the Big Show clings on for dear life.

IceEnclosure · Jul 4, 2003, 03:53 AM

stellar.
spectacular.
that was awesome.

it took me longer than expected to read the thread, as I'm friggin' drunk. and I even spouted off something to my friend/girl/bartender tonight about possibly 'cracking so and so in the jaw' tonight cause he sucks.

i didn't..

but this story rocks!

my grandfather's funeral was just weird (like they're supposed to be).. i was a pall bearer.

I asked for nothing, I spoke only when spoken to, I went back to my grandmother's house with allll the rest of the family (my mom has 4 siblings) and drank (smoked some with my brother during a trip to the store) until I felt it a good time to go.

not a happy event. I have 3 uncles, 1 aunt and my mother whose father had jussed passed.

it felt somewhat dysfunctional to me...for the past 8 or so months.. until I came home and stumbled upon this thread.

excellent.