[WinsOBoogi]

Hey all.

I just went on a blind date with a girl that's going to go to my college.

We've been talking on the 'net (bless AOL's Member Directory search) for 3 or so weeks, and the convos had gone well, so we decided to meet before school started.

Well, the pics she sent did a little more than give her justice. We're talking a descent amount more heavy than I thought.

She didn't mislead me...she told me she had gained some weight..I just wasn't expecting that much.

Anyway, we got along really well. Very well. It's just...she's obese. It's not just that she's obese..it's that if she lost a good 30 lbs, she'd be HOT AS HELL. Seriously, NO JOKE. Amazing eyes, cute nose, really amazing shoulder-length blonde hair...just...30 or so lbs. overweight. And..30 is being...conservative.

I like her personality a lot...and I'm attracted to her a bit right now...I guess i can see slightly through the obesity...but...that's all it is..seeing through it..liking her looks for what she COULD be, if she lost weight..not loving her appearance now.

Am I an asshole? Jerk?

Advice? Help a confused guy out.

[Face Ache]

Well I'd say keep her at arm's length and see how it pans out. But if she's that big you probably can't get within arm's length of her anyway.

Be friends first. See what happens.

[WinsOBoogi]

lol..she's not THAT big...

"Pleasantly plump." "Chubby." Not.."moo-moo."

[Mastrap]

I've always found that there's several things needed to make a relationship work.

You've got to be best friends.
You've got to trust the other person.
You've got to respect them.



But you've also got to fancy them something rotten. If that isn't the case then you'll find yourself with a wandering eye in no time at all.

Face is right. Be friends, see what comes naturally.

[Nicko]

start going on jogging dates?

[jonasmac]

I recently stopped seeing a girl who is as decent as a human being could be. She's cute, and I was attracted at first, but it just couldn't work out. Ya see, she's a bit taller than me (which I don't care about), but her frame is not of the slender mold. Not to say that she's fat, she's not. Not even chubby, but her bone structure is about the same size as mine. I'm normally attracted to smaller girls, but she just had tons of personality.

I broke up with her because I found myself staring at other girls all the time. I didn't want to be in a relationship where I wasn't 150%. It hurt to do it, but in the long run we'll be better off. Know what I mean?

Just because you feel the way you do doesn't mean your shallow. It means you got some part of you that's decent and good.
But I agree with Mastrap...you gotta be way into her to make it work.

my 2 cents...
--jonas

[daimoni]

.

[phantomdragonz]

I would say keep being friends. If she isn't your type then she isn't your type, end of story. sad but true personality is not the MOST important part. there are a lot of factors that contribute. if she is nice then she is nice and be friends. it is up to you do what feels right dont be pressured into thinking that you should not let looks get in the way THEY DO!

good luck, aim is evil when it comes to meeting girls (personal experience)

P.D.

[Cipher13]

If she could be hot by losing only 30 lbs, she's hardly "obese".

Either way... you've gotta be physically attracted, like it or not.

I know lots of great girls that I wouldn't go out with, because I'm not attracted to them. I'd end up looking at other girls, probably longingly, which wouldn't be fair to her; and I'd end up breaking up with her for someone else. I know how I work.

I don't have a problem not going out with somebody because they're not attractive; I don't consider myself an asshole, nor superficial, for those reasons alone; just because I don't find a girl attractive, doesn't mean she isn't.

There's a girl in my genetics class that half the guys absolutely drool over. I'm decent friends with her, she's very nice, but... I find her totally unattractive. That's just me.

There's more to attraction than meets the eye...

[simonjames]

One more piece of advice - sorry but I feel strongly about this - don't go into a relationship thinking you might be able change the other person. Generally it doesn't work out.


And guys - I'd meet the mother as soon as possible because there is a big chance she is going to turn out just like her. Like the mother and you're ok - dislike her and you may as well walk away sooner rather than later


My $0.02 AUD

[sniffer]

Originally posted by simonjames:
And guys - I'd meet the mother as soon as possible because there is a big chance she is going to turn out just like her. Like the mother and you're ok - dislike her and you may as well walk away sooner rather than later

So true, so true. It's all in the genes.

[Lerkfish]

I'd say you're being superficial if the ONLY objection you have is the 30 lbs. However, I tend to think there's more to it than that in terms of your feelings or else you'd overlook the weight because you were smitten.

Since SHE mentioned the weight to you ahead of time, and since YOU agreed to meet with her anyways, she's self-conscious about it, and if you bring it up AT ALL, she's going to feel hurt because she warned you and you ignored the warning.

Since she was upfront with you about the weight, she was looking for a man to whom weight doesn't matter, so since weight does matter to you, you're not the man she's looking for, either.

Also anytime one party gets hung up on things like weight, you're not starting on an equal level of respect....which is not good. it will always nag in the back of your mind, and she deserves better than someone who is always looking at her judgementally.

You also deserve someone who you spend more time looking in her eyes than eyeing her waistline. So, I'd advise hanging around the eating disorder clinic and picking up a bulimic or aneorexic chick.

But I feel it only fair to warn you and any man that in general ALL women gain weight as they get older, boobs lose their perkiness, butts gather cellulite, etc. If you can't handle these now, you're going to have to learn to handle them if you intend to spend your life with any woman. By the same token, generally all men undergo aging processes as well.

Best to fall in love with the person and ignore the package. Even supermodels will end up like Granny from Beverly Hillbillies eventually.

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally posted by Lerkfish:
But I feel it only fair to warn you and any man that in general ALL women gain weight as they get older, boobs lose their perkiness, butts gather cellulite, etc. If you can't handle these now, you're going to have to learn to handle them if you intend to spend your life with any woman. By the same token, generally all men undergo aging processes as well.

Best to fall in love with the person and ignore the package. Even supermodels will end up like Granny from Beverly Hillbillies eventually.

True. However, I've found that my tastes change as well with age. You start looking for/at different things, many much more worthwhile than the perkiness of an 18-year-old airhead.

-s*

[Spliffdaddy]

gimme the perky 18yr old airhead if you don't want her

I found that as I get older - I still like young women. Although I admit to being far less picky than I used to be. 30lbs ain't nuthin but a thing, homie. But 30 years....

[neon_duke]

If the relationship works, you'll be attracted. 30 lbs won't matter, in all honesty. My wife and I are still highly attracted to each other despite the fact that we could both stand to lose more than that. There is so much more to it than the physical shape of the person that as long as you're not physically repulsed, it will work if the relationship is otherwise solid.

"If a woman makes a man feel happy and loved, he will find she is beautiful - he just didn't notice it at first." -Robert Heinlein

[davesimondotcom]

She can always lose weight, some people on this board will always be jerks.

[gadster]

Originally posted by Lerkfish:
Best to fall in love with the person and ignore the package. Even supermodels will end up like Granny from Beverly Hillbillies eventually.

Right on the money there again, Lerkfish, as per usual. The 'package' is over-rated, comes with no warranty, and is more often than not, a reflection of ego.

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
gimme the perky 18yr old airhead if you don't want her

I found that as I get older - I still like young women. Although I admit to being far less picky than I used to be. 30lbs ain't nuthin but a thing, homie. But 30 years....

...of experience are hard to beat by any other quality.

-s*

[wdlove]

WinsOBoogi I would suggest that you continue dating. If you are getting along, that is what matters. For a true long term relationship looks is not that important. Commitment, trust, and love are what matters!

[xi_hyperon]

Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about mudflaps my girl's got 'em
Big bottom drive me outta my mind
How could I leave that behind...

[itomato]

Ahh.. Those are the keepers, pal!

Seriously - take it slow, feel it out, and I bet the more time you two spend together, the more she'll do what you do. If you take her out for banana splits, you'll be waiting a while for those pounds to melt away. OTOH, if you guys take walks around campus, ride bikes, rollerblades, what have you, then you're priming a tone body

Do you like her? Does her xtra 30 lbs gross you the f* out so bad you don't want to pursue a possible lifetime love?

It could be your loss. Don't let it.

[mitchell_pgh]

TWO WORDS: Freshman 15

But seriously... to take from another person (and add one line)...

Things you must have to make a relationship work:
You've got to be best friends.
You've got to trust the other person.
You've got to respect them.
You've got to be physically attracted to them.

[WinsOBoogi]

Excellent advice, all.

I've been thiknign about it, and yes, I need to take it slower, I think. I seriously hate dating, and I want a relationship...and then there's the fact that if I settle for "dating," it usually means "not good enough to be a girlfriend, so I'll just date her." Ugh.

I sound like the typical guy, don't I? Funny how I'm usually the "nice guy." Although it's usually not abotu attraction, but personality as well.

So, as much as I hate sounding like the "typical" guy, here I go. You have been warned

A) I've noticed that when someone is above weight it's easier to notice traits of theirs that you can usually ignore. I.E.: She has no street smarts. She doesn't know anything about culture and society (i.e. didn't know who Archei Bunker was). She...lol...needs to make an "L" with both hands to remember which is a left and which is a right. Book smart, but...pretty socially inept..

Normally, I'd probably not notice it as much, or take it to heart as much. In othe words, it owuldn't be a major turnoff.

She's also very smothering. No, that wasn't a pun... But more than constant attention. I like attention, but when she's smothering, it might get to me.

She IS nice, however. Very nice.

And when I look at her at the right angle...

Jeez, I AM an asshole.

But seriously, to talk logically and sensibly, I might have led on that I was more interested in her that I might be. That, however, could be because she kissed my neck..and when someone kisses my neck...I'm on auto-pilot. I didn't "go far" with her at all, just kissing, but, you know.

So, what do I do? What do I say? I don't want to put her down, make her feel more self-conscious, break her heart...I'm not good with these things, and I'm notorious for staying in bad relationships because I don't want to hurt the other person. Do I mention that she's too "blonde heerleader" for me? Too "smothering?"

Another round of advice, please! lol...

Thanks guys...seriously, I appreciate it.

- Brad

[funkboy]

Originally posted by Lerkfish:
By the same token, generally all men undergo aging processes as well.

Men excluded from this:
- Dick Clark
- Harrison Ford
- Sean Connery
- Gallagher

Best to fall in love with the person and ignore the package.

Wise words from the Lerkman.

[funkboy]

I find it funny how guys (I think guys, moreso... computer geeky nerdy guys, anyway) almost always get hung up on a big ass relationship. There are things that can just be fun, too, where you're not thinking about marriage in the back of your mind.

Am I Mr. Flinchy? No, thank you very much Polly. However, do I think many guys (computer geeks especially) think a relationship has to be very serious almost right off the bat? To be thinking about spending a lifetime with a girl?

If you seriously consider these things a little ways down the line, fine... but don't worry yourself about it the first weeks, months, whatever.

I find in myself I always second guess girls, thinking, "hmm... could I really spend the rest of my life with this girl?" How the hell could I determine that right now... once I know her for a couple years, maybe... at the very least, it's an issue for much later.

Controversial, misogynistic views? You betcha.

Edit: to clarify, I'm not being that mean... rather, it's like a line from the TV show Ed: Carol tells Ed that he's never been able to have a harmless, carefree kiss, and Ed agrees, saying that there is no such thing. But Carol assures him there is, that some kisses are just for fun.

I'm just glad that show's coming back on TV

[digimage]

Originally posted by Lerkfish:
Best to fall in love with the person and ignore the package. Even supermodels will end up like Granny from Beverly Hillbillies eventually.

Very well said, Lerk.

[wolfen]

The primary factor missing in this equation: What kinda tasty treat are YOU to look at? I mean, if you've got all the hotties pawing at you...

On the other hand...


And like that.


wolfen