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Dr. Awesome · Jul 6, 2005, 10:24 PM

I'm always up for a hoohee tehe haha. So post some jokes.

I'll start:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. As he approaches the bartender, the bartender proclaims, "you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate then responds, "Arrrr.... It drives me nuts!"

suvsr4terrorists · Jul 6, 2005, 10:35 PM

So this ghetto lady goes into the OBGYN with period problems.

Doc asks her, "How's your flow?"

and she says "Linoleyum. Why?"

Ghoser777 · Jul 6, 2005, 10:43 PM

I love pirate jokes!

Did you see the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrr.

Dr. Awesome · Jul 6, 2005, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by Ghoser777

I love pirate jokes!

Did you see the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrr.

Yes, but I thought War of the Worlds was better

Needs a sequel though.

Ghoser777 · Jul 6, 2005, 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by Dr. Awesome

Yes, but I thought War of the Worlds was better

Needs a sequel though.

Shhhhh! Don't give hollywood any ideas!

Hawkeye_a · Jul 7, 2005, 12:17 AM

Why did Michael jackson call Boyz-2-Men ?

Cause he thought tey were a delivery service

.

budster101 · Jul 7, 2005, 12:21 AM

Why does Michael Jackson like 26 year olds?

Because there are 20 of them...

loki74 · Jul 7, 2005, 12:21 AM

So this guy walks into a bar... damn, thats gotta hurt.

Not sure where I heard that but I thought it was funny. In a lame sort of way... but funny all the same.

Albert Pujols · Jul 7, 2005, 12:23 AM

Hmm..time for some LaffyTaffy jokes!

What did one math book say to the other math book?
I have a lot of problems.

Which brand of underwear does King Tut like best?
Fruit of the tomb.

Ghoser777 · Jul 7, 2005, 12:24 AM

Originally Posted by loki74

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

Fixed.™

loki74 · Jul 7, 2005, 12:33 AM

aha!

Stogieman · Jul 7, 2005, 12:57 AM

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Dr. Awesome · Jul 7, 2005, 01:00 AM

What did one candle say to the other?

"Wanna go out tonight?"

Stogieman · Jul 7, 2005, 01:07 AM

What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

"Hey ya' all... watch this!"

budster101 · Jul 7, 2005, 01:13 AM

Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator?

A: An epileptic.
---

Q: What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinochio as she was sitting on his face?

A: “Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!”
---

Q: What’s the black stuff between an elephant’s toes?

A: Slow natives.

These were the clean ones.

Dr. Awesome · Jul 7, 2005, 01:24 AM

You must be a redneck if...

...the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

...you see a sign that says "Say No to Crack." and it reminds you to pull your pants up.

Posters, take it from here.

storer · Jul 7, 2005, 01:40 AM

What did the mother say to michael Jackson when they were at the beach?

Get out of my sun.

___

A husband really wants to boost his sex life with his wife. So he makes the house pitch dark. He waits for his wife to get home. When someone enters the house, the man grabs a woman, and runs through the dark house til they reach their bedroom. They get jiggy with it in the bed while it is still dark. He then takes a break to let the woman sleep and goes into the bathroom. He sees his wife combing her hair fully dressed in her work outfit. The husband yells, "What the hell are you doing in here when you are supposed to be in the bed?!" The wife says quietly, "Sush! Or you are going to wake your mother."

FulcrumPilot · Jul 7, 2005, 04:30 PM

Two Irish Pilots, as they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower was listening to this:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat roonway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, Oi'll do dat!!
PILOT - An den ya put dem flaps doon!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, Oi'll do dat, too!!
PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brake as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining somecomposure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus,"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is??

suvsr4terrorists · Jul 7, 2005, 04:32 PM

Originally Posted by FulcrumPilot

Two Irish Pilots, as they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower was listening to this:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat roonway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, Oi'll do dat!!
PILOT - An den ya put dem flaps doon!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, Oi'll do dat, too!!
PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brake as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining somecomposure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus,"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is??

Stogieman · Jul 7, 2005, 06:06 PM

Winner!

Zimphire · Jul 7, 2005, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by Stogieman

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

OwlBoy · Jul 7, 2005, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by FulcrumPilot

Two Irish Pilots, as they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower was listening to this:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat roonway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, Oi'll do dat!!
PILOT - An den ya put dem flaps doon!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, Oi'll do dat, too!!
PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brake as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining somecomposure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus,"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is??

-Owl

jamil5454 · Jul 7, 2005, 08:02 PM

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

olePigeon · Jul 7, 2005, 09:22 PM

A baby seal walks into a club.

ghporter · Jul 7, 2005, 09:46 PM

Originally Posted by FulcrumPilot

Two Irish Pilots, as they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower was listening to this:

The first time I heard this one, the aircrew were graduates of Texas A&M (I heard it in Austin-which will make a lot of sense to some people out there, and none at all to most!).

On the other hand (ticking things off with the other fingers), The Aggies managed to hand a good one to UT itself. UT built a new building right next to an historical brick building, and wanted a way to "age" the brick in the new building to match the old one. An engineer from A&M bid on a method and UT bought it. A spray was applied to the new brick and shortly it began to look older. When asked how he did it, the Aggie engineer called the technique "fecal patination." "Huh?" said the UT representative. "Yes, we have a lot of uses for longhorn crap at A&M!" (True story except for the dialog-they really did use fecal patination!)

Agasthya · Jul 7, 2005, 10:09 PM

Found this one on a golf forum that I frequent:

A man and his wife are out playing a round when the husband shanks a drive right into the window of a multi-million dollar house. The guy just feels awful about it, so he and his wife knock on the back door to offer to pay for the window. A man answers the door and proclaims that he is a genie that has been kept in a bottle on this rich guys mantle for years.

The genie tells the guy that in reality genies don't just grant wishes, but he could be bribed into granting a wish. The golfer says "if you can make me play golf better than tiger woods, I'll give you anything I've got."

The genie thinks about it and says "Well I have been bottled up for a while, if you let me have a go with your wife, I'll grant you that wish, but you still need to pay for the broken window."

The man eagerly agrees, writes the genie a check, and convinces his wife to go upstairs. The genie ravishes the woman for hours. The wife has a wonderful time, but when she is done she asks the genie why her husband still had to pay for the window.

The genie replies, any guy dumb enough to believe in genies is probably dumb enough to let me bang his wife and still pay for the window.

CreepingDeth · 10:34 PM

Ulroit.

[FONT=Times New Roman]Father: Make Sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
First Guard: Not…to leave the room…even if you come and get him.
Father: No. Until I come and get him.
Second Guard: *Hic*
First Guard: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Father: No…You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
First Guard: …and you'll come and get him.
Second Guard: *Hic*
Father: That's right.
First Guard: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
Father: Leaving the room.
First Guard: Leaving the room…yes.
Father: Got it?
Second Guard: *Hic*
_________FATHER makes to leave.
First Guard: Er…if…we…er…
Father: Yes?
First Guard: If we…er…_________(Trying to remember what he was going to say.)
Father: Look, it's simple. Just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room.
Second Guard: *Hic*
Father: Right?
First Guard: Oh, I remember…can he…er…can he leave the room with us?
Father: (Carefully): No…keep him in here…and make sure he doesn't…
First Guard: Oh yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave…and if we were with him.
Father: No…just keep him in here.
First Guard: Until you, or anyone else…
Father: No. Not anyone else—just me..
First Guard: Just you…
Second Guard: *Hic*
First Guard: Get back.
Father: Right.
First Guard: Okay. Fine. We'll remain here until you get back.
Father: And makes sure he doesn't leave.
First Guard: What?
Father: Make sure he doesn't leave.
First Guard: The Prince…?
Father: Yes…make sure…
First Guard: Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him!
_________(He points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself.)…you know it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he's a guard…
Father: Is that clear?
Second Guard: *Hic*
First Guard: Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problem.
_________FATHER pulls open the door and make to leave the room.
_________The GUARDS follow.
Father (to the GUARDS): Where are you going?
First Guard: We're coming with you.
Father: No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room until I get back.
First Guard: Oh, I see, right.
_________They take up positions on either side of the door.
Prince: But, Father.
Father: Shut your noise, you, and get that suit on!
_________He points to a wedding suit on the table or chair. Father
_________throws one last look at the BOY and turns, goes out and
_________slams the door.
____________The PRINCE slumps on to window seat, looking forlornly
_________out of the window. Music intro to song…
____________The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes
_________his head in.
Father: And NO SINGING!
Second Guard: *Hic*
Father (as he goes out): Go and have a drink of water.

[/FONT]

budster101 · Jul 7, 2005, 11:41 PM

Ah, Monte Python... very funny.

mojo2 · Jul 7, 2005, 11:54 PM

Originally Posted by CreepingDeth

Ulroit.

[FONT=Times New Roman]Father: Make Sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
First Guard: Not…to leave the room…even if you come and get him.
Father: No. Until I come and get him.
Second Guard: *Hic*
First Guard: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Father: No…You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
First Guard: …and you'll come and get him.
Second Guard: *Hic*
Father: That's right.
First Guard: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
Father: Leaving the room.
First Guard: Leaving the room…yes.
Father: Got it?
Second Guard: *Hic*
_________FATHER makes to leave.
First Guard: Er…if…we…er…
Father: Yes?
First Guard: If we…er…_________(Trying to remember what he was going to say.)
Father: Look, it's simple. Just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room.
Second Guard: *Hic*
Father: Right?
First Guard: Oh, I remember…can he…er…can he leave the room with us?
Father: (Carefully): No…keep him in here…and make sure he doesn't…
First Guard: Oh yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave…and if we were with him.
Father: No…just keep him in here.
First Guard: Until you, or anyone else…
Father: No. Not anyone else—just me..
First Guard: Just you…
Second Guard: *Hic*
First Guard: Get back.
Father: Right.
First Guard: Okay. Fine. We'll remain here until you get back.
Father: And makes sure he doesn't leave.
First Guard: What?
Father: Make sure he doesn't leave.
First Guard: The Prince…?
Father: Yes…make sure…
First Guard: Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him!
_________(He points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself.)…you know it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he's a guard…
Father: Is that clear?
Second Guard: *Hic*
First Guard: Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problem.
_________FATHER pulls open the door and make to leave the room.
_________The GUARDS follow.
Father (to the GUARDS): Where are you going?
First Guard: We're coming with you.
Father: No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room until I get back.
First Guard: Oh, I see, right.
_________They take up positions on either side of the door.
Prince: But, Father.
Father: Shut your noise, you, and get that suit on!
_________He points to a wedding suit on the table or chair. Father
_________throws one last look at the BOY and turns, goes out and
_________slams the door.
____________The PRINCE slumps on to window seat, looking forlornly
_________out of the window. Music intro to song…
____________The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes
_________his head in.
Father: And NO SINGING!
Second Guard: *Hic*
Father (as he goes out): Go and have a drink of water.

[/FONT]

It lost me in the translation. Sorry.

budster101 · Jul 7, 2005, 11:57 PM

It Is From Monte Python.

qnxde · Jul 8, 2005, 12:50 AM

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

...
...
...

A quarter pounder with cheese.

Krusty · Jul 8, 2005, 03:35 AM

What did one hamster say to the other while walking past a Gay bar ?

"Hey, wanna go get sh!tfaced ?"

ajprice · Jul 8, 2005, 02:51 PM

ironknee · Jul 8, 2005, 03:12 PM

2 cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

FulcrumPilot · Jul 8, 2005, 03:28 PM

This soldier is in training to become paratrooper, he goes up for his first jump, airplane is all set to allow for jumps, jump call comes and he is finally ready for his first jump. But he freezes at the door just as he is ready to jump. The huge fugly SOB instructor says "either you fsckin jump, or I'll take you in the back of the plane and drive up your rear gate until your eyeballs roll back in your head and you pass out!".
After all that is over he is narrating to friend about this terrifying ordeal.
"Did you jump or not?", asks his friend impatiently. "A bit, at first then it was cool", he replies.

KeyLimePi · Jul 8, 2005, 03:39 PM

Okay, FulcrumPilot wins, but it kind of reminded me of this one.

The passengers are all seated on their widebody jet when the flight attendant announces 'we apologize for the delay but our pilots are just arriving. We'll be taking off shortly.' Just then, from the rear entrance, the pilot and co-pilot begin making their way up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses and tapping white canes as they go. The passengers giggle at the joke as the two grope and fumble their way into the cockpit. In moments the plane begins to taxi, quickly picking up speed and heading down the runway, which is adjacent to large above-ground garage.The engines roar, but the plane remains firmly on the ground, barrelling toward the huge garage as the wide-eyed passengers look on. Finally, just as a crash seems inevitable, the passengers scream in terror and the plane noses straight up... lurching into the air and narrowly missing the layers of concrete and cars below.

Inside the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "you know, one of these days they're gonna scream just a second too late...."

badidea · Jul 8, 2005, 03:54 PM

Originally Posted by Krusty

What did one hamster say to the other while walking past a Gay bar ?

"Hey, wanna go get sh!tfaced ?"

MountainMac · Jul 8, 2005, 04:29 PM

What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand...

Spliff · Jul 8, 2005, 08:21 PM

Another Michael Jackson joke, courtesy of Triumph the Comic Insult Dog:

One a scale of 1 to 10, how old is Michael Jackson's boyfriend?

CreepingDeth · Jul 8, 2005, 10:45 PM

Triumph owns!

Remember when he interviewed some dude wearing Darth Vader ****? He asked "Where's the button that calls your mom to pick you up?"

KeriVit · Jul 11, 2005, 10:10 PM

That's all we have for short funny jokes. cmon, I need more to send to my friend in Iraq.

Ghoser777 · Jul 11, 2005, 10:18 PM

Iraq jokes, eh?

"Today, President Bush announced he's been mispronouncing the name of Iraq all along. He said it's actually pronounced Syria." —Jay Leno

budster101 · Jul 11, 2005, 10:37 PM

Roflmao.

ASIMO · Jul 11, 2005, 11:48 PM

Some of these jokes fail the parenthetic test: relatively short.

Paraphrased from some magazine I read not long ago:

Q. What do you call a black guy with a license to fly a plane?

A. A pilot, you farking racist.

budster101 · Jul 12, 2005, 12:08 AM

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?

The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.
-----

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile." The men cheered and rattled their chains. "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
----

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

---
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

suvsr4terrorists · Jul 12, 2005, 12:35 AM

Originally Posted by budster101

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

as2 · Jul 12, 2005, 03:50 AM

Three men in a tub were feeling happy...

.... so Happy got out.

xi_hyperon · Jul 13, 2005, 11:56 AM

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted
a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip
through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any old truck, but everything she
seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home next Monday. Due to the
condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

ghporter · Jul 13, 2005, 11:58 AM

Xi, THANK YOU!!! That was GREAT!!!

I'm sending flowers...you can't take chances with this sort of thing.

suvsr4terrorists · Jul 13, 2005, 12:32 PM

So there's two priests and a little boy in a boat. The boat starts sinking, but there are only two life preservers. The two priests immeadiatly grab them, and they're about the jump off the side, when one of them says, "What about the little boy?" "Ah, **** him" the other priest responds.

The first one says, "Do you think we have time?"