[finboy]

As of 12:48 PM today, no new terrorist attacks.

Just thought I'd keep everyone up-to-date.

[jholmes]

We've now been warned.


What do we do now?

[TNproud2b]

Originally posted by jholmes:
<STRONG>We've now been warned.


What do we do now?</STRONG>

blame somebody besides Dubya if something should happen.

[KellyHogan]

Apparently the great 'new' revelation is that tall buildings and landmarks are target for attack.

Amazing. That's how you get investigators off your back. Tell them what everyone already knows and spew it all over the news.

[xi_hyperon]

******XI REPORTING IN FROM MIDWEST********

ALL QUIET, NO SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY OBSERVED....CARRY ON WITH NORMAL ACTIVITIES.

*****REPORT ISSUED 12:47 PM CDT********

[::maroma::]

All is well on the West Coast at approx. 10:50am PST.

But don't think that you can just act normally! NOO! Not only do you have to look BOTH ways when crossing the street, now you gotta look both ways WHILE looking for terrorists! It's your fault if you don't catch em!

[philzilla]

well, i noticed chris_h is back, so who knows what could happen...

[digimage]

Oh Great. So If we get attacked, I gues the europeans will be posting MORE anti-american threads.

Lovely.

[chris_h]

***** CHRIS_H REPORTING IN: 5.22.02 14:04:05

I AM CURRENTLY AT GROUND ZERO FOR WHAT THE U.S. IS SAYING WILL BE THE NEXT ATTACK POINT: AN APARTMENT. SPECIFICALLY, I'M STAKED OUT IN MY OWN APARTMENT. I HAVE MADE A THOROUGH SEARCH FOR PIPEBOMBS, GUN POWDER, BROKEN OVEN TIMERS, ETC.

I'VE ONLY SEEN ONE SUSPICIOUS LOOKING ITEM, BUT I'M SURE THAT IT COULDN'T POSSIB##$@!#*@@

###

###

# NO CARRIER

[xi_hyperon]

Originally posted by chris_h:
<STRONG>***** CHRIS_H REPORTING IN: 5.22.02 14:04:05

I AM CURRENTLY AT GROUND ZERO FOR WHAT THE U.S. IS SAYING WILL BE THE NEXT ATTACK POINT: AN APARTMENT. SPECIFICALLY, I'M STAKED OUT IN MY OWN APARTMENT. I HAVE MADE A THOROUGH SEARCH FOR PIPEBOMBS, GUN POWDER, BROKEN OVEN TIMERS, ETC.

I'VE ONLY SEEN ONE SUSPICIOUS LOOKING ITEM, BUT I'M SURE THAT IT COULDN'T POSSIB##$@!#*@@

###

###

# NO CARRIER</STRONG>

Brilliant reporting chris_h! We are dispatching teams now to locate your remains.

[RAzaRazor]

****** THIS JUST IN ******

2002/5/22 13:20

Local authorities are reporting a suspicious looking cloud over the Salt Lake City Area. The cloud is low-flying and appears to be headed very slowly towards the downtown area. All large buldings in the area have been evacuated, and emergency crews are standing by patiently playing cards while the suspicious cloud continues to approach.

The suspect cloud is described as "Large, Grey, and Ominous. Most likely of Arab descent."

Radar reports that another large string of clouds is also approching the area at approximately 7 miles-per-hour.

Local authorities are reportedly working with the federal government for assistance. Senators and other Washington officials are being flown in as we speak. The hope is that all the officials will spew rhetoric at the same time. The dramatic increase in hot air will coax the cloud onto a different path. With luck the cloud will crash harmlessly into the nearby mountains.

Updates to follow.

****** END STORY ******

[osiris]

**** News Flash****
--NYC 15:53:
A rather odd-looking man walked down Fifth avenue today and he smelled kind of funny.
Also, suspicious looking pigeons appear to be amassing in the trees.
--END 15:54
****************

[maxelson]

Originally posted by TNproud2b:
<STRONG>

blame somebody besides Dubya if something should happen.</STRONG>

Well THAT's no fun. My day just ain't complete unless I am actively taking part in some leftist tree huggin' hippy commie pinko bastard conspiracy or another...

[ReggieX]

Way to go max, now everybody knows

[maxelson]

sh*t. blew it again, didn't I. Ooop.

[Lerkfish]

4:37 and nothing blowd up in the midwest, that I know of.

[maxelson]

Dateline: 5/22/02:16:40 Lexington, MA.
I just farted. Authorities were not alerted. The MPs were not roused from their appointed rounds. No sirens. The guy in the cubicle next to me is a little cheesed, though.

[jholmes]

If they contaminate the waste water treatment plants does that mean that those places will actually smell worse?

&gt;PS 3:43 CDT HERE IN FORT WORTH
LOOKS CALM - BUT WITH ALL THE *&^%$* ROAD CONSTRUCTION
WE COULD BE UNDER ATTACK AND NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO TELL&gt;

[Lerkfish]

SOMEBODY CALL THE (COUGH, COUGH) AUTHORITIES!!!!

----the guy in the next cubicle

[xi_hyperon]

******XI REPORTING IN FROM MIDWEST********

VERY ODD CHUBBY BALD GUY SPOTTED ON PROPERTY, SHUFFLING FEET AND LOOKING PRE-OCCUPIED...

OOPS, JUST THE BOSS. AUTHORITIES ALERTED ANYWAY.

*****REPORT ISSUED 3:55 PM CDT********

[Mac The Fork]

Canadian Invasion Force spotted traveling via high speed ferry to Bar Harbor, Me. Armed with what appear to be grenades, marked "Molson Canadian", what appear to be long guns marked "CCM", "Koho" and "Sher-Wood"... also small black land mines(?). Wearing strange uniforms and helmets. Will keep you posted...

[tullamore]

******TULLAMORE REPORTING IN FROM IOWA********

THE GRASS IS STILL GREEN AND THERE IS NOT A SINGLE ARAB HARRASING THE COWS.

THE TALLEST STRUCTURE IN IOWA, THE 1.5 STORY TALL FLAG POLE IN FRONT OF THE STATE OF IOWA'S TWO INMATE PRISON IS STILL STANDING, ALTHOUGH SEVERAL GRASSHOPPERS HAVE RECENTLY LANDED ON IT.

I THINK ALL 3,000 OF US IOWANS HAVE BANDED TOGETHER TONIGHT PROTECT OUR FIELDS FROM THE TERRORIST BOLE WEAVEL ATTACK WE HAVE BEEN FEARING EVER SINCE THE SNOW MELTED.

*****REPORT ISSUED 4:10 PM CDT********

[CRASH HARDDRIVE]

Okay let's try this again...

Flashback: Morning of Sept. 11th... bags packed, ready to fly to east coast for a 3 week trip. All aircraft in the entire country grounded due to unforseen *ahem* incidents. Trip scrapped.

Currently:
Bags again packed. Ready to fly to Europe for 4 week trip. Scheduled departure: PM 5/23/02.


-------------------------------- OFFICIAL REQUEST---------------------------------
Hereby requesting that all terrorist organizations keep it in their shorts for at least a period of the next 36- preferably 48 hours. Al-Qaida, Islamic Jihad, Hisbulla, Chubby Bald guys etc.. please delay all planned doomsday operations that will effect national and international air travel until at the very least PM 5/24/02 after my plane safely touches down in Helsinki. Stand down- repeat- Stand down.

Also, kindly requesting that unstable knuckleheads of the type who have a tendancy to cause huge airport security delays- please REMAIN indoors -AWAY from all airports- and continue taking your medication for the next 48 hours as well. Find something on TV to watch... maybe the Osbornes or something is on... just please refrain from going near anything air traffic related.

Thank you.


----------------------------END OFFICIAL REQUEST------------------------------


Over and out.

[ 05-22-2002: Message edited by: CRASH HARDDRIVE ]

[jholmes]

I hear you Crash.
I still have my tickets for my Delta flight into Reagan National on 9/14.

I will NEVER get to see the Smithsonian. The first time I went was one of those stupid days when Congress and the President "shut down the government" due to budget battles. .

I'm just gonna quit trying to go. Every time I plan the trip, it winds up on the nightly news.

----------------------------BEGIN REPORT------------------------------------

5:30 CDT AND ALL'S WELL.


-----------------------------END REPORT------------------------------------

[Demonhood]

__________
May 22, 2002 �|� Land of the Easily Amused (DH) --

Shorts wearing, birkenstock hoarding, bleached blonde barbarians continued their peaceful lifestyle in the Land of the Easily Amused on Wednesday. Although there were several reports of "rowdy college students" and suspected marijuana smoking, no terrorist activity could be detected in this small coastal hamlet.

Longtime resident Stuart Samuelson described the atmosphere as "Chill...". He went on to take a long drag off his cigarrete, sit in a frayed whicker chair, and scratch himself before he continued: "...dude".

Local authorities were quickly placed on and off of ORANGE alert Wednesday morning when it was reported that a student remarked to a classmate after a difficult final that the professor was "a ****ing terrorist for giving us these questions man!" Thomas Whitney, the brave student who reported this incident, was congratulated for his efforts by local authorities, and may even be given a medal of valor. Mr.Whitney says he was "just doing his duty as an american." and refused to grant us an 18th interview. He did, howerver, have a parting remark for all those who wish to "aspire to greatness" : "Narc. Narc till you're blue in the face. Like a smurf. Like a smurf holding its breath covered in blueberries. Yeah, like that. Oh, and if you're a single female within 10 miles of the Land of the Easily Amused, and you like long walks on the beach, parties, and cheap beer, gimme a call. I'm in the book".

More information as the (non)story develops.
__________

[ 05-22-2002: Message edited by: Demonhood ]

[finboy]

Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:
<STRONG>


-------------------------------- OFFICIAL REQUEST---------------------------------
Hereby requesting that all terrorist organizations keep it in their shorts for at least a period of the next 36- preferably 48 hours.
</STRONG>

Too funny. Back to bidness.


****************ALERT****************

As of 7:41 EST, no suspicious activity of any kind in Northwestern VA.

*************************************

Thankfully, no activity of the MAXELSON kind, at least!

[ 05-22-2002: Message edited by: finboy ]

[xi_hyperon]

Originally posted by finboy:
<STRONG>

Too funny. Back to bidness.


****************ALERT****************

As of 7:41 EST, no suspicious activity of any kind in Northwestern VA.

*************************************

Thankfully, no activity of the MAXELSON kind, at least!

[ 05-22-2002: Message edited by: finboy ]</STRONG>

There were rumors on the wire this morning that Maxelson's fart was seen leaving the east coast for international waters. No confirmation has been forthcoming, so it was probably just a bit of hysterical speculation.

[daimoni]

.

[Lerkfish]

Originally posted by daimoni:
<STRONG>So bring extra underwear. </STRONG>

extra clean underwear during a terrorist attack seems prudent, for a variety of reasons.

[finboy]

Mine would only be clean for a moment or two.

Huzzah! My 800th post. Don't I get a cookie or something?

[ 05-23-2002: Message edited by: finboy ]

[maxelson]

PRIVATE MAXEL reporting in, thir!

This just in:
Odd route into work this morning.
Crashed at a friends due to a late rehearsal in Rhode Island.
Said friend lives near Providence which means this: a morning commute up 95/ 128. (insert the scariest of all possible music here)
Got up earlier than usual. Car prepped. Not even any coffee in the cup. Left at 0615 hrs, thir.

Commute progressed.
Arrived at desk at 0655hrs, thir.

DOES NO ONE SEE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS?!?!
128, fer chrissakes? On a weekday? Providence to Lexington in LESS than 45 minutes? On a weekday?!?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!?!?!
There's SOMETHING amiss, I tell you...
It's quiet here... TOO quiet.
Hey... what's that little green cloud?

[ 05-24-2002: Message edited by: maxelson ]

[jholmes]

It's the four day long three day weekend!
Everybody I need to talk to today has hauled butt. I have a piece at the printer but all the pressmen took off.

I'm going downtown to watch stray dogs roam the empty streets as newspapers blow through the concrete caverns.


"WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!"

What if there was a terroist attack and nobody came?

[ 05-24-2002: Message edited by: jholmes ]

[Timo]

Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:

-------------------------------- OFFICIAL REQUEST---------------------------------
Hereby requesting that all terrorist organizations keep it in their shorts for at least a period of the next 36- preferably 48 hours. Al-Qaida, Islamic Jihad, Hisbulla, Chubby Bald guys etc.. please delay all planned doomsday operations that will effect national and international air travel until at the very least PM 5/24/02 after my plane safely touches down in Helsinki. Stand down- repeat- Stand down.

Bah. Chubby Bald guys, etc; but are you ready for the price of your taxi ride from Helsinki-Vantaa to "KESKUSTA / CENTRUM"?

[Timo]

Originally posted by jholmes:

"WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!"

What if there was a terroist attack and nobody came?

LOL. Dude you're on a roll.