[Laminar]

My sister and brother-in-law kindly informed me once I was engaged that I am expected to give a gift to just about everyone involved in the wedding - wedding party, personal attendants, ushers, parents, each other, etc.

We have gifts nailed down for bridesmaids and a couple of the groomsmen, we have a vague idea of what we're doing for parents, but I'm lost on what to get the ushers, a couple groomsmen, and the bride.

I've seen the typical "personalized merchandise" catalogs, but I'm not sold on that idea yet. Maybe if I'm desperate. Does anyone have suggestions of unique gifts to give to these people, and to the bride specifically? I'm no good at gift-giving, as I tend to lean toward "useful" over "thoughtful."

[turtle777]

How about a one year subscription to MacNN ?

Sorry, can't think of anything useful. All I ever got was useless trinkets and crap.

Personally, I think it's a stupid tradition. The groom and bride should get gifts, everyone's attendance and help should be a contribution, not a "service" expecting some cheap compensation (i.e. gift) in return.

What's the point of all this, other than keeping some businesses alive that produce useless crap, and getting the bride and groom into even more debt (or their parents).

-t

[andi*pandi]

bridesmaids: jewelry, hair things, wraps/shawls

groomsmen: cufflinks, leatherman, flask, gadgets

bride: something meaningful, jewelry, or just agree not to get each other anything until you get to the honeymoon, pick out something fun and memorable there. I got my husband a nice watch and since he didn't know about this "tradition" I got nada. Didn't mind though. I had a ring, a nice wedding, a nice honeymoon, and him. What more did I need?

We didn't get anything for parents. We paid for the wedding, so that changes things.

[Railroader]

We bought gifts for the wedding party, ushers, and musicians. The groomsmen got pocket knives, bridesmaids got necklaces, users got cross pens, and the musicians got some cash. We gave them out during the rehearsal dinner.

One wedding I was in recently I received a Holga camera and some medium format film to use with it.

[shifuimam]

You have got to be kidding me.

The few people who are going to be in our eventual wedding party better not expect any compensation for their services. Friends and family are supposed to be there for you because they care about you, not because they want some freebies out of the deal.

[Railroader]

Small tokens commemorating a life changing event are not "compensation".

Almost forgot, I also paid for all of the tuxedos, and hotel rooms for my wedding party and their guests.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by andi*pandi 

leatherman

That might be a winner.

[ghporter]

Originally Posted by Railroader 

Small tokens commemorating a life changing event are not "compensation".

Almost forgot, I also paid for all of the tuxedos, and hotel rooms for my wedding party and their guests.

I agree completely. The "real friends" that you'd invite to take part in your wedding won't care if your gifts are tiny, silly, home made, or whatever. They'll care that you thought about them. I've seen some really weird things given-aluminum "beer can tab lifters" (two different bridesmaids got those), a "pen and pencil set" made up of a Bic Stic and Bic clicker mechanical pencil, all sorts of interesting things. Here it really is "the thought that counts."

Laminar, make sure you keep it simple. Unless you intend to soak whomever is paying for these gifts. Keep the gifts focused on the person you're giving them to, and keep them small, and you'll do fine.

[Andy8]

200 toasters.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

You have got to be kidding me.

The few people who are going to be in our eventual wedding party better not expect any compensation for their services. Friends and family are supposed to be there for you because they care about you, not because they want some freebies out of the deal.

[Eug]

Meh. Methinks sometimes it's good to break with tradition...

[Rumor]

I was always under the impression that it was the groom and bride that received gifts.

[paul w]

I think it's silly as well. The couple weddings I've been a close part of had no gifts of this kind. We were all too happy to take part, wear a slick tux and have a great time.

But hey, gifts of that sort of inherently awkward so don't sweat it too hard. Thought that counts.

[turtle777]

So far, there's an even split between "silly" and "play along".

But what do you expect from a culture that will let young kids go into 5 digit debt just to have "the happiest day of their lives".

-t

[ghporter]

Originally Posted by turtle777 

So far, there's an even split between "silly" and "play along".

But what do you expect from a culture that will let young kids go into 5 digit debt just to have "the happiest day of their lives".

-t

It is seldom that "the kids" go into that much debt for a wedding. The parents (often both sets) are the ones that foot the bills for big weddings far more often. I've recently attended two very lovely weddings. Both were "large" and well attended, but both were also funded by the parents. And neither was, on its own, a "5-digit" affair. Maybe close, but not over $10k. Of course both brides were actually intelligent and thoughtful people before they became brides, and there was no "zilla" activity at all. THAT by itself can cost 5-digits...

[shifuimam]

Originally Posted by turtle777 

So far, there's an even split between "silly" and "play along".

But what do you expect from a culture that will let young kids go into 5 digit debt just to have "the happiest day of their lives".

-t

Yeah, the whole idea of going into debt just to get married is insane. There's no rule that says the man must spend two months' income on an engagement ring, nor is there a requirement that the ring be set with a diamond, which are overpriced to begin with. I'd much rather have an affordable ring and an affordable wedding (no way either of our parents will be able to afford to pay for it) so that we have money for the honeymoon and our life together.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by ghporter 

It is seldom that "the kids" go into that much debt for a wedding. The parents (often both sets) are the ones that foot the bills for big weddings far more often. I've recently attended two very lovely weddings. Both were "large" and well attended, but both were also funded by the parents. And neither was, on its own, a "5-digit" affair. Maybe close, but not over $10k.

You know that for sure? Our ceremony guest list is about 250. Our reception is about 170. We're calling in all of the favors and discounts we can find, so the photographer is free, DJ and sound equipment is free, reception is at a local place where we have connections, we're serving hors d'oeuvres instead of a full sit-down meal, etc. etc. and we're not that far from $10,000. If you count what I've spent on rings and the honeymoon we're way over. If you have a "large" wedding of 350 people and feed them all a typical sit down dinner at $30/person (catering we looked at went up to $45/person), get a real photographer for $2500, DJ for $1000 or so, that's $14,000 right there, and that doesn't include decorations, dresses, tuxes, flowers, rehearsal dinner, and the million other little things that come up.

[ghporter]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

You know that for sure? Our ceremony guest list is about 250. Our reception is about 170. We're calling in all of the favors and discounts we can find, so the photographer is free, DJ and sound equipment is free, reception is at a local place where we have connections, we're serving hors d'oeuvres instead of a full sit-down meal, etc. etc. and we're not that far from $10,000. If you count what I've spent on rings and the honeymoon we're way over. If you have a "large" wedding of 350 people and feed them all a typical sit down dinner at $30/person (catering we looked at went up to $45/person), get a real photographer for $2500, DJ for $1000 or so, that's $14,000 right there, and that doesn't include decorations, dresses, tuxes, flowers, rehearsal dinner, and the million other little things that come up.

Less than 100 people at each ceremony, the same number at one reception, more at the other. VERY heavily discounted reception hall for the bigger one (Air Force officer club-the room and DJ came with the catering). The smaller wedding was held outdoors at a lovely spot on the San Antonio river, a former Ursuline convent, and the reception was in one of the buildings; I think this one was the more expensive of the two, and it probably pushed $9k pretty hard.

I didn't include the cost of rings or dresses, but I know both brides' dresses were "modestly" priced, since they sat next to me at lunch and discussed them. I also know that the bride's families paid for most of the setup, while the groom's families paid for the honeymoons. Rings were paid for by the grooms. Adding all of that up certainly does go over $10k, but the cost was spread over three families for each wedding, with the brides' families apparently paying the most. Caveats: both brides were in grad school and near graduation with a professional health care degree, one groom is an Air Force pilot the other a dental fellow (as in "currently doing a post-doctoral fellowship"). Also both brides were the first children in their families to marry and the first in their families to get a post baccalaureate degree.

I'm not saying that these are typical, but that the brides worked hard at helping to set things up to be less extravagant and thus less expensive, and everyone involved was "in on" keeping things from being more expensive than necessary. Nobody wants to graduate with a Masters degree owing both a sizable student loan and a big chunk on a wedding.

Me? My wife and I were married by a JP in his office with two witnesses. We went to a nice Chinese restaurant afterward, then saw a movie together. I don't think we spent more than $200 on the whole thing including our "temporary" rings.

[Dakar V]

And now look at you, unhappy, divorced, regretting the last few decades of you life...

That all could have been solved by an expensive wedding.

[SpaceMonkey]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

You know that for sure? Our ceremony guest list is about 250. Our reception is about 170. We're calling in all of the favors and discounts we can find, so the photographer is free, DJ and sound equipment is free, reception is at a local place where we have connections, we're serving hors d'oeuvres instead of a full sit-down meal, etc. etc. and we're not that far from $10,000. If you count what I've spent on rings and the honeymoon we're way over. If you have a "large" wedding of 350 people and feed them all a typical sit down dinner at $30/person (catering we looked at went up to $45/person), get a real photographer for $2500, DJ for $1000 or so, that's $14,000 right there, and that doesn't include decorations, dresses, tuxes, flowers, rehearsal dinner, and the million other little things that come up.

Don't forget the emotional costs, either.

[nonhuman]

For those men in here who might be getting married and discovering these sorts of things, a word of advice: don't argue with your fiancée about it! She cares about this stuff way more than you do, and everyone will be much happier if you just concede basically everything to her for just this one day.

[Dakar V]

Originally Posted by nonhuman 

For those men in here who might be getting married and discovering these sorts of things, a word of advice: don't argue with your fiancée about it! She cares about this stuff way more than you do, and everyone will be much happier if you just concede basically everything to her for just this one day.

Slippery slope!!!

[Phileas]

We had no gifts of any kind for the wedding party, nor were they expected. We didn't pay for hotels, we didn't pay for travel. We did pay for an awesome party that was enjoyed by all. My wife had no matching bride's maid dresses and my best man was a woman. She's one of my oldest friends who is a mean organizer and knows how to speak in public, so just what I needed.

The one gift that was given was from my wife to me - a tradition she wanted to honour. She inherited her late father's 1960's Omega watch, which she had restored and cleaned before gifting it to me. Considering how close she was to her dad - she was the only girl, and the youngest, in a large family - that is probably the most precious gift I've ever received.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by ghporter 

The "real friends" that you'd invite to take part in your wedding won't care if your gifts are tiny, silly, home made, or whatever. They'll care that you thought about them.

I can't relate to that part at all.

Do they really need to receive these cheesy gifts to feel appreciated and cared for ?

Are you seriously implying that your "real" friends would be mad or disappointed at you if you didn't gift them some thoughtless, useless crap ?


-t

[SpaceMonkey]

If you gave them "thoughtless, useless crap" I'm sure they wouldn't care one way or the other. But since Glenn emphasized the "thought," I don't think that's what he meant.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by ghporter 

Less than 100 people at each ceremony, the same number at one reception, more at the other.

I guess I would consider 100 people a small wedding. Adding up our immediate family and our parents' immediate family would easily get us 100 people, and we have friends to add to that. Plus she has invited her whole church (her dad is the pastor) to just the ceremony, so that's a complete wildcard - we really have no idea how many people are coming.

[ghporter]

Originally Posted by turtle777 

I can't relate to that part at all.

Do they really need to receive these cheesy gifts to feel appreciated and cared for ?

Are you seriously implying that your "real" friends would be mad or disappointed at you if you didn't gift them some thoughtless, useless crap ?


-t

I'm implying that "real" friends aren't mercenary about participating in someone's wedding. My examples were indeed extreme, but my point wasn't: give a gift that says "thank you (you specifically, not some generic person who'll just stand there) for being part of this enormously important event." Since it's highly probable that you won't invite someone you don't know well to be part of your wedding party, give a SMALL, tasteful gift that expresses your gratitude. I'm not saying "be stupid" or "give people in your wedding party cheap crap." I'm saying "think about the person, not about the price."

[Phileas]

Slight tangent: Last year, all of our Christmas gifts to friends and family were home made. This year a number of friends have announced that they were so touched by the gesture that they too will make gifts, rather than buying something. You can't say "I thought about you" better than by actually making something that you think the recipient will love.

Now back to weddings.

[Railroader]

Weddings are not cheap.

Here's what I spent back in 1997 (not including wedding rings):
$700 - DJ
$2500 - bar tab (pretty cheap back then)
$250 - limo
$500 - tuxes
$300 - gifts for wedding party
$600 - hotel rooms
$900 - photographer
--------------------
$5750 - total not including the honeymoon

$3000 - honeymoon in Mexico

My wife's parents spent around $8000 for a gourmet meal for 200 people
My wife spent about $1200 on a dress, flowers, and a cake

Wedding total (not including honeymoon)
~$14,950

Mind you this was in '97 dollars, which would probably be around $18,000 today.

That may sound like a lot to some people, but to me it was pretty cheap. I paid cash for everything, and only saved about a year to pay my portion. My in-laws wanted to go more out and spend more, but we reigned them in. We had a great time and our guests said it was one of the most fun receptions they had ever been to. One very important component I think was vital was my choice of DJ. I went with a guy with a great personality who had very good equipment. He was loud enough for people to party/dance to, but you could still hold a conversation at the tables without yelling. He mostly played older guaranteed dance tunes.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by Railroader 

Wedding total (not including honeymoon)
~$14,950

Mind you this was in '97 dollars, which would probably be around $18,000 today.

Actually, it would be $ 20,000.

http://www.westegg.com/inflation/infl.cgi

-t

[nonhuman]

Originally Posted by turtle777 

Actually, it would be $ 20,000.

http://www.westegg.com/inflation/infl.cgi

-t

Yeah, that sounds a little more reasonable considering my '08 wedding. (Don't remember the exact figure anymore, but was definitely more than I wanted to spend...)

[SpaceMonkey]

When I get married it's going to require stadium seating.

[Laminar]

Last night I picked up a few of these for the guys that would appreciate them:


I got them at Amazon for $31 each.

That leaves one usher and the bride. The bride is allergic to a lot of jewelry and doesn't wear it often, so I'm shying away from that. I'm thinking of some kind of "quality time" theme, so I picked up a couple seasons of Burn Notice (she just started getting into the show), and now I'm trying to come up with other things that would lead to us spending time together. in b4 sex toys

[nonhuman]

Originally Posted by SpaceMonkey 

When I get married it's going to require stadium seating.

I'm sure it's cheap to rent out Nationals Park. Probably fill more seats than most games.

[shifuimam]

One thing I don't get at all is why women insist on spending scads of money on the dress. It's a dress you will wear exactly once, and you don't even wear it all day! I mean, I get that it's a special day and a unique day in your life (assuming you don't get remarried later down the line), but I'd rather have some hard cash than some frilly number that sits in a box under my bed for the rest of my marriage.

I plan on springing for nice stuff on food and the photographer. Pictures last much longer than flowers or overpriced bridesmaids' dresses, and if I'm going to be stuffing my face, it'd better taste good.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

One thing I don't get at all is why women insist on spending scads of money on the dress. It's a dress you will wear exactly once, and you don't even wear it all day! I mean, I get that it's a special day and a unique day in your life (assuming you don't get remarried later down the line), but I'd rather have some hard cash than some frilly number that sits in a box under my bed for the rest of my marriage.

Four days after we were engaged a friend of hers was in town. They went shopping, and after an hour picked out the perfect dress, it fit perfectly without alterations and it was cheap.

I plan on springing for nice stuff on food and the photographer. Pictures last much longer than flowers or overpriced bridesmaids' dresses, and if I'm going to be stuffing my face, it'd better taste good.

She's allergic to flowers so we're only getting a few calla lilies, as they're supposed to be fairly hypoallergenic.


My mom is making all of the bridesmaids' dresses, so those will be cheap for us. I'm not happy about renting tuxes, though, since for the price of a single tux rental you could buy a suit.

[Railroader]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

One thing I don't get at all is why women insist on spending scads of money on the dress. It's a dress you will wear exactly once, and you don't even wear it all day! I mean, I get that it's a special day and a unique day in your life (assuming you don't get remarried later down the line), but I'd rather have some hard cash than some frilly number that sits in a box under my bed for the rest of my marriage.

I plan on springing for nice stuff on food and the photographer. Pictures last much longer than flowers or overpriced bridesmaids' dresses, and if I'm going to be stuffing my face, it'd better taste good.

My wife found one for ~$100. She had it hermetically sealed in case our daughter chooses to wear it.

Being a photographer myself, I actually wouldn't spend too much on photography. All I wanted was a ton of proofs and one nice enlargement shot of the two of us to hang on the wall. I am not terribly good at sales when it comes to photography.

[Railroader]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Last night I picked up a few of these...

Sweet. The guys will love them.

[ghporter]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Last night I picked up a few of these

Originally Posted by Railroader 

Sweet. The guys will love them.

That's what I mean-unless you know the groomsmen aren't going to like something like this, it's a great, inexpensive gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful.

[Railroader]

Originally Posted by ghporter 

That's what I mean-unless you know the groomsmen aren't going to like something like this, it's a great, inexpensive gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful.

And if they're anything like me, every time they pull it out to use it they will remember the day. I have received so many gifts like this.

[shifuimam]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

...now I'm trying to come up with other things that would lead to us spending time together. in b4 sex toys

I'm pretty sure dropping your pants will do the trick.

[shifuimam]

Oh, and the honeymoon. I'm planning on dropping a shitload on that. The place we want to go in Mexico is $300 a night.

But it'll be damn worth it.

[Laminar]

We're hitting an all-inclusive five star resort in Cancun. Between drug violence, swine flu, and hurricane season, I think we got a pretty good deal on it. We have a pool-access room for six nights. It's not cheap, but it's within the budget we set.

[Monique]

You do not have to give gifts to anyone. It is an English tradition to go into debt because you want to get married.

It is the other way around. It is not because your sister and brother in law did it one way that you have to do it the same way.

Your parents will not care.

Now, my niece just got married in Jamaica and we were 24 people and she gave us all a beach towel just because she was thankful we attended her wedding. But, you are staying in town, from what you said not many people are traveling far to get to your wedding. It is supposed to be about joining 2 people that love each other not profit.