[Ghoser777]

Yeah, so I dated the same girl for 5 and a third years up until late February of this year. I was in love with her and really thought I was going to propose to her in less than a year... and then she fell out of love with me

So, it's over five months since then, and it's still driving me nuts. Some days are good, and then others I feel like I'm going to get an ulcer. The problem is that I still love her - I almost wish I hated her (I don't really hate anyone) so I could try to move on... but I just can't. She wanted to be friends when we broke up, but it always seems akward for both of us... and now because we don't really talk much anymore I keep coming up with wild thoughts about what she's doing now.

I have trouble focusing on anything anymore, especially programming, which is a huge reason why Meteo development is so horribly stalled.

Does anyone who's gone through this before have any suggestions?

Thanks,
Matt Fahrenbacher

[Joost]

Originally posted by Ghoser777:
Does anyone who's gone through this before have any suggestions?

Thanks,
Matt Fahrenbacher

Too bad on the break-up. There's no easy fix, but here are a couple well-intentioned suggestions:

Give it more time and spend that time wisely. You were together for years, so you're entitled to an extended mourning period. But do something to break the routiine -- go on vacation, hook up with old friends, try something you've never done before. And get in the habit of scheduling stuff, so you always have something to look forward to.

Don't do the friends thing. Women I know are great at staying on good terms with ex-boyfriends. I admire their pragmatism. For me, though, the best way to train yourself to start living without that special someone is not to see her. However tough it is at the beginning, a complete shut-out may be the best way...

Take refuge in Gene's Let Me Move On -- the perfect post-break-up song. Free download:

http://www.artistdirect.com/music/ar...513758,00.html

Best of luck -- it does get easier...

[Superchicken]

Uhh... think about all the things that annoyed you about her, and then leave messages of you just breathing on her awnsering machine... that should make you feel better... or at least get you slapped with a restraining order

[shmerek]

Superchic[k]en: Go away.

Ghoser777: bad idea to be friends when you are still in love with her, cold turkey is the only thing that will get you through it. Aside form that it will just take time, try to focus on your work or whatever else you enjoy but whatever you do don't try and think about what she is doing you will drive yourself crazy.

I feel your pain brutha, been there and is sucks ass.

[misc]

I know its tough. My relationship ended in March, not quite as long as yours though. Best piece of advice my friends gave me is to just block them out of your life. Delete them from your phone and ban their screen name. Take all of their stuff and put it in a box. Tape it up, and shove it in a closet somewhere.

I sometimes read my old notes from her, and our old instant message conversations.. And it just reminds me of how much a lying asshole bitch she is now... Ah.. it's all good.

Oh, and a good Rum and Coke doesn't hurt.

[MikeM33]

It sounds to me like you're still holding a candle for this woman even though it's been clearly over since February. I want to say that I know your pain. I've been in the same shoes (or similar ones).

The thing here is, it's over. I realize that can be hard to swallow, but it's been over since February, and while you may need time to get over things, the situation is done.

No point in a "posthumous" break-up since she already broke things off months ago.

It might not be so easy to put it behind you, but you have to accept that it's over and just move on. Take some strength from the experience and try to learn something.

Remember, whatever hurts us, can only make us stronger.

MikeM

[austinjackson]

Originally posted by Ghoser777:
[BDoes anyone who's gone through this before have any suggestions?
[/B]

Hello Matt,

I am in the middle of the same thing. I was engaged to a wonderful woman who turned out not to be so wonderful (didn't turn out to love me either and showed it by cheating on me). Tickets for the NewZealand honeymoon were already purchased, wedding reservations were made, etc.

What makes matters worse is that I am on "vacation" for a few more weeks so the down time seems to be filled with thoughts of her. So, what to do?

I have found it helpful to "reset" my life as best I can. I have taken up activities such as meditation, prayer, and exercise to focus a little more on myself lately.

Like you two, we decided to talk at first as well. Bad idea. I am making more progress without her than I was when we were still talking. I still find it hard not to reply to her email or messages and beg her to come back, but I have found it better not to.

Best of luck to you. I have found this to be excruciating, but recently things have been better. Here's hoping they begin to improve for you as well.

Aj

[soul searching]

I recently broke up with someone that I had been with for 4 years. Our break up was mutual. She moved to start Med school later this month and I don't think much of long distance relationships. She also knew that she would be busy and have no time for me. Thus, the end of something good.

We're staying friends but it's a bit easier on me since I know she's across the country. If we're talking on the phone I wont get that "I have to see you now" feeling. I suppose I might but I wont act on it.

Joost had some great advice: spend a lot of time with friends and make a schedule in order to keep yourself busy at all times.

Oh, and you've probably heard this before but I'll say it anyway: time heals all.

[gwehr]

I feel for you, man. I've never broken up with a girl before (and hope I never have to, but that might just be wishful thinking) so I don't know what it's like, so I can't say "I've been there," but I can imagine it hurts like hell. You just have to try your best to forget about her and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but constantly thinking about her won't do you any good at all. Good luck to you.

[AB^2=BCxAC]

Best solution for unrequited love is to find somebody else to focus your attention on. It's important to put yourself out there and take some risks, because someone new is the only antidote.

It's entirely possible to mourn the rest of your life, in a state of depression over your loss and hungering for things to come back together, as if that is the truest testimony for how much you adored this person. After half a year, this should look like a bad idea. If it doesn't, trust me, it is.

[Superchicken]

I thought I'd met the perfect girl for me, but then she decided that right now her life was really chaotic and junk, so she really didn't want to have to have another thing thrown into the mix... so I'm overly positively hopeful for the future, although there's that little part of me that knows the rest of me is simply unwilling to admit the obvious

At one point she told me that I must hate her and that she felt awful and I was like, if I ever loved you how could I hate you now? I honestly don't know if that made her feel better but it's how I felt... it never really hit me for the longest time. But she was like soo perfect for me... sigh... who knows about the future... I still find myself when I think of my future and the thought of a wife comes in she's the one who fills that spot... which honestly is kinda weird... infact since her I havn't even really considered any girls at all... and that was months ago...

[Superchicken]

Originally posted by AB^2=BCxAC:
Best solution for unrequited love is to find somebody else to focus your attention on. It's important to put yourself out there and take some risks, because someone new is the only antidote.

It's entirely possible to mourn the rest of your life, in a state of depression over your loss and hungering for things to come back together, as if that is the truest testimony for how much you adored this person. After half a year, this should look like a bad idea. If it doesn't, trust me, it is.

Telling someone they need to just get back on the horse rarely makes them feel better...

[simonjames]

I agree with AB^2=BCxAC - best to focus your attention completely on something else.

A new hobby or career - enrol in a course to do something you always wanted to do. Something that you can feel you've accomplished something at the end of the day.

Maybe even charity work - help out at a local hospital or become a coach for a local squad be it soccer, baseball - whatever interests you.

You may find that giving to others who are in a worse condition than you will help you be a stronger person.

Good luck - every success in what you decide.

[Cipher13]

Five years is a long time; the way I go about getting over this sort of stuff is basically realising that in the end, you will eventually get over it... right? So why not make that *now*? It's a bit of a mind job, I know, but it works for me.

I get straight back on the horse - find another girl to occupy yourself with, and you'll find yourself over your ex before you know it. Demonise her, if possible, in your mind, too. That always helps.

It's a viscious cycle. You go out with a girl, it's great, you get hurt, it sucks; you go out with another girl, it's great, you get hurt... and so forth. You know you'll eventually be over her, so why make it any more difficult on yourself? Easier said than done, I know.

Get back out there.

[Mr. Blur]

to quote Norm from Cheers:

"Women...you can't live with them..................................pass the beer nuts"

[MikeM33]

Towards the ending of my marriage I decided I'd had enough of manual labor and started attending cdollege on my G.I. bill. I decided to go for computer graphics since art was something I'd always been into.

I was working full time days and attending classes at night. I guess it was after I finished my first or second semester that I came home to my (then) wife and she announced that she no longer loved me and wanted out of the marriage.

It was hard. I couldn't deal with it. I'd spent a decade of my life dating and married on and off with this woman. A DECADE.

I finally accepted it. Part of me realized that it was probably going to end anyway.

You see, we'd dated for years before getting married. Many, many years. We'd kicked around the notion of marriage and I knew she wanted it.

I did a few years in the US Navy and got out and my mom died and I had to move out on my own. When that happenned I decided to invite her back into my life and finally ask her to marry me. It was a cheap civil ceremony, but we were married.

We lived happily together for a few years, but living on my own was a new thing to me and to her. Eventually I guess it just got to us both.

You see, I wanted to give her a life of splendor, wealth, etc. I wanted to shower her with gold and jewels. She, and making her happy, was my reason for existence. I was totally co-dependent on her. When I found my purpose in life it was near the end and she decided to leave me.

Some stories don't have happy endings, but she and I are still friends. Which is probably what we were meant to be in the first place. I'm glad we are still friends also. Part of me still loves her. Why? She made me laugh at myself a bit and not take myself so damn seriously all the time.

I've learned alot about myself and what I want from life also. Tough way to learn? I wouldn't take it back for a second.

Sometimes a little humility is a good thing and sometimes when one door closes another opens.

MikeM

[WinsOBoogi]

Okay, here come Psych Major Brad.

First off, sorry what you'e going through. We've all felt that pain, but I don't know if we can top yours.

There's my concern: if it's been 3 months, and you're still depressed, you actually are clinically depressed. As in, you should seek treatment. Or talk to a counselor, or something.

I don't want to say, "hey, there's medicine that can help you," but, hey, if it's been 3 months, then you really need someoen or somethign to help you alogn with this grief.

- Brad

[Superchicken]

wow Mike... hmm makes me think of you in a new light... weird seeing people on MacNN as people for once... normally all you ever see is someone's opinions.

Wish you luck in the future.

[Face Ache]

Originally posted by Cipher13:
Five years is a long time; the way I go about getting over this sort of stuff is basically realising that in the end, you will eventually get over it... right? So why not make that *now*? It's a bit of a mind job, I know, but it works for me.

Yeah you think like me.

Scared?

I think it was the great western philosopher Doris Day that said "Que sera sera".

[Cipher13]

Originally posted by Face Ache:
Yeah you think like me.

Scared?

I think it was the great western philosopher Doris Day that said "Que sera sera".

Scared? Maybe just a little...

Que sera sera... my entire life philosophy. Seriously.

[Severed Hand of Skywalker]

Simple. Go shag every other byatch you have had a peek at in the past 5 years. You will be over her in a real hurry.

[Avenir]

Drink heavily... I find it disturbing that you haven't really started yet....

yes, I'm kidding...

Every person, myself included, ultimately has their own way to deal with it, it really does suck that you can't just pick some over-the-counter drug for it... my advice, distract yourself, and soon enough you'll wonder what life was like with her, and not worry about life without her. That, and seriouly, sit down and think of all the reasons it ended and why the end was a good thing. The reasons were there, sometime you just gotta review them. Good luck.

[Face Ache]

Yeah look on the bright side. You could have married her and then broke up.

[Superchicken]

Originally posted by Severed Hand of Skywalker:
Simple. Go shag every other byatch you have had a peek at in the past 5 years. You will be over her in a real hurry.

Sage advice as always star wars guy.

[scaught]

Originally posted by Face Ache:
Yeah you think like me.

Scared?

I think it was the great western philosopher Doris Day that said "Que sera sera".

here i am thinking i gave him that advice on AIM at some point. heh heh.

[Face Ache]

Originally posted by scaught:
here i am thinking i gave him that advice on AIM at some point. heh heh.

I've never spoken to you on AIM... Oh you mean Ciph...

It's the same way I quit cigarettes. I figured I was going to do it at some point so it might as well be now. And I kept telling myself that until I was "cured".

[pimephalis]

I'm a little surprised no one has mentioned the approach I adopted:

Move.

Get the f**k outta Dodge, man!

You see, I had been dating this girl for three years, from the end of undergrad through the first year of my Master's (she was in her first year of Med school). Things went to shite and it just died shortly into the summer. I was in a bad way, and got in to an ill advised relationship even though I promised myself that I would remain alone for a while. In fact, I made it fewer than five months before I was with another person.

She was wonderful, yet totally wrong for me (in general, and particluar at that time). The whole thing was a mistake, so when I broke it off I solemnly swore that I needed to reground myself and deal with my grief and confusion. To do so, I moved to Montreal.

I knew no one. I moved to a francophone neighbourhood, speaking little french myself. I had no money and fewer friends. In some ways, what followed were the best and worst four months of my life.

They were the worst in that I dealt with some serious loneliness and difficult realisations as I searched my soul and personality for answers to questions I didn't even understand at the time. They were some of the best because I was able to get some distance from my friends (they were all "our" friends) and from my life (ie. the person that I was) with her.

Funny enough, I met this wonderful women a month after I had finished my adjustment to Montreal. I married her and we have two children together now. So you see, moving to Montreal is good for all that ails ya!

[Superchicken]

Originally posted by pimephalis:
I'm a little surprised no one has mentioned the approach I adopted:

Move.

Get the f**k outta Dodge, man!

You see, I had been dating this girl for three years, from the end of undergrad through the first year of my Master's (she was in her first year of Med school). Things went to shite and it just died shortly into the summer. I was in a bad way, and got in to an ill advised relationship even though I promised myself that I would remain alone for a while. In fact, I made it fewer than five months before I was with another person.

She was wonderful, yet totally wrong for me (in general, and particluar at that time). The whole thing was a mistake, so when I broke it off I solemnly swore that I needed to reground myself and deal with my grief and confusion. To do so, I moved to Montreal.

I knew no one. I moved to a francophone neighbourhood, speaking little french myself. I had no money and fewer friends. In some ways, what followed were the best and worst four months of my life.

They were the worst in that I dealt with some serious loneliness and difficult realisations as I searched my soul and personality for answers to questions I didn't even understand at the time. They were some of the best because I was able to get some distance from my friends (they were all "our" friends) and from my life (ie. the person that I was) with her.

Funny enough, I met this wonderful women a month after I had finished my adjustment to Montreal. I married her and we have two children together now. So you see, moving to Montreal is good for all that ails ya!

But then you have to deal with people from qubec....

[version]

Originally posted by soul searching:
I recently broke up with someone that I had been with for 4 years. Our break up was mutual. She moved to start Med school later this month and I don't think much of long distance relationships. She also knew that she would be busy and have no time for me. Thus, the end of something good.

We're staying friends but it's a bit easier on me since I know she's across the country. If we're talking on the phone I wont get that "I have to see you now" feeling. I suppose I might but I wont act on it.

Joost had some great advice: spend a lot of time with friends and make a schedule in order to keep yourself busy at all times.

Oh, and you've probably heard this before but I'll say it anyway: time heals all.

That's really the best advice you can give. I did the opposite when I ended a long-term relationship, and then regretted it. I went into a deep sadness, not really depression, but just couldn't face anything, or anyone. I ignored my friends, didn't go out, and just sank more into my own thoughts, which just revolved around her. I ended up on prosac, which didn't help, but came off it myself, I was in that state for around 6 months. I did the wrong thing by not goign out, seeing new horizons, and being around people, it really does help.

Hope you get past this point.

[sniffer]

Yeah, breakups really sucks. I've wasted just to much time and energy being down because of this girl ones. It was my first serious relationship. You bet she had a good grip on my balls, my feelings and my wallet. But I am over it now thought. It took a while, but I am over it.
Take your time is my advice. Time heals.

[wdlove]

I'm sorry to hear about your problem Ghoser777. Hope that it will all work out for the best in the end.

I had something simliar. It was her phone call almost everyday. Made is very difficult to concentrate on my college studies. So I decided to get angry at her, ask her not to call anymore. I was honest with her.

She is now my wife of almost 31 years!

[Ghoser777]

Originally posted by wdlove:
I'm sorry to hear about your problem Ghoser777. Hope that it will all work out for the best in the end.

I had something simliar. It was her phone call almost everyday. Made is very difficult to concentrate on my college studies. So I decided to get angry at her, ask her not to call anymore. I was honest with her.

She is now my wife of almost 31 years!

Oh WOW! Haha. Well, I can always be optimistic.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. The best that's working for me so long is really committing back to Church and God, writing Poetry ( ) http://homepage.mac.com/fahrenba/poetry/, and trying to develop a social life. Part of the problem with the last part is that I didn't really have a social life before I met here, outside of a school social life. Now that I'm graduated and waiting for my teaching career to start in early September, I'm kind of isolated. I was much better when I was student teaching several months back, mainly I think because I was too busy to think too much about her... not that I still didn't manage some time. Now that I have all this time, my thoughts keep wandering. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the summer can't end soon enough for me.

I'll just keep on keeping on and hope for the best. My birthday is tomorrow (August 11th), and I'm a little fearful some of my friends are considering encouraging me into the "other women" suggestions people have been making

Thanks again,
Matt Fahrenbacher

[wdlove]

May I be among the first wo wish you happy B-Day Matt Fahrenbacher, hope that you will have many more. I didn't and don't have much of a social life. I concur with your that Church and God are very important!

[mixin visuals]

[Spheric Harlot]

Happy Birthday, Matt.

I have finally started talking again with the woman I was dating for three years up until december '01. We tried the "Let's still be friends"-route for six months or so, but it really didn't help me get over her.

The transitional relationship I was in for a year up until last February did, though.

When that ended, it was time.

One point though - seeing all the Americans posting on church and God, and prayers: Spirituality is good, but realize that God won't do the work for you.

Getting over a long-term and important relationship is, more than anything else, just a lot of hard and painful work. God or whatever entity or community can give you comfort, but the hard work is yours, and yours alone.

That's coming from a guy who's tended to lose ground contact over things like this in the past.

Make absolutely, positively sure, however, to stop every once in a while and smell the roses.



-s*

[scaught]

Originally posted by Face Ache:
I've never spoken to you on AIM... Oh you mean Ciph...

It's the same way I quit cigarettes. I figured I was going to do it at some point so it might as well be now. And I kept telling myself that until I was "cured".

weird.

i quit smoking pretty much the same way. i was halfway through a cigarette. decided "this is ****ing it". threw it out the window.

i didnt talk about it. i didnt count days. none of that mattered. it didnt even matter that i smoked in the past, because it wasnt part of me anymore. mind over matter.

[Ken Masters]

I actually did this one...

Put you hand on her shoulder and say
Sorry but you are the weakest link, goodbye.

[Cipher13]

Originally posted by Ken Masters:
I actually did this one...

Put you hand on her shoulder and say
Sorry but you are the weakest link, goodbye.

On a similar note...

The surname of my most recent ex is pronounced "Houston", as in the city, though not spelled that way.

I just had to use the line, the day we broke up...

"Houston... we have a problem."

How often do you get to go out with a girl named that?? I couldn't help myself.

[philzilla]

just pretend like she didn't exist. takes time, but it works. forget the friends thing, that never works. total break.

then arrange to fly to Superchic[k]en's house and punch the living piss outta him

[Face Ache]

Originally posted by scaught:
weird.

i quit smoking pretty much the same way. i was halfway through a cigarette. decided "this is ****ing it". threw it out the window.

i didnt talk about it. i didnt count days. none of that mattered. it didnt even matter that i smoked in the past, because it wasnt part of me anymore. mind over matter.

Same here.

I had half a pack on top of the fridge for about 4 months before I threw them out.

I just decided I was a non-smoker and that was it.

[gadster]

Originally posted by Ghoser777:
Oh WOW! Haha. Well, I can always be optimistic.

Bzzzzt! Negatory, Matt.

Take control of your life back off her. Consider it your birthday present to yourself.

[daimoni]

.

[Mastrap]

Stopped smoking 8 years back. From 20/40 to 0 in one day. Same thing, just made the decision and stuck with it.

[daimoni]

.

[KeyLimePi]

Cusack: "If you're so cool, what are you doing sitting here on the curb of the Gas-n-Sip on a Saturday night?"

Guys on Curb: "By choice, man."

[waxcrash]

Ghoser777

The typical grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance which was documented by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D is probably what you are going through. I'm sure you are pass denial, anger, and bargaining. To get pass the depression, be aware of your feelings and talk about them with someone you trust like a friend or relative. If you bottle up your feelings, they could manifest to negative behaviors. It's amazing how much better you can feel by just telling someone how you feel. I wouldn't get involved in another relationship for at least a couple of months. Jumping into a new relationship usually brings too much extra baggage. Make an extra effort to get involved socially and meet new people or pursue any hobbies you may have. Over time you will feel better. Try to take the positive things you have learned from the relationship to make yourself a better person.

[york28]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Ghoser777.

I am going through a similar sort of thing. I met a girl at college and fell in love with her, and things were great. That was one of the most beautiful times in my life.

Then she went out west for the summer to work in a national park. She messed around with two guys there. One of these even while I was there visiting her. I found out later and brushed it off, thinking that it wasn't a big deal.
But then she went to school for a semester abroad, and I saw her every couple months. We talked on the phone a lot at first. But then it became a chore (to this day I really dislike length phone conversations.) I went to visit her a couple times, still trying to convince myself that it would work out and be ok in the end.

Finally I couldn't stand being around her because I could only think about she abused my trust and feelings, not just in those few cases, but pretty much ever since I really started to care for her. I let way to many little things slide.
Today marks over a year since she left to go out west. I haven't talked with her in over a month, and it is a good thing. The hardest part f this whole process for me was convincing myself that she didn't care about me at all, despite my feelings for her. It's hard to overpower emotions with reason, but after a while it becomes impossible to ignore obvious facts.

I'm still working on getting over her, but I'm making good progress. I had some trouble with depression, but nothing too severe. Based on this experience and a few from my past, I suggest you follow the advice that's been posted here. Personally, I find that anytime that I start to feel disconnected and down, I go run for a mile or two. Exercise is an amazing outlet for all kinds of emotional energy. I'm also working on furthering my computer skills by trying to learn Illustrator better, and taking some classes this fall in topics I am really interested in.

My lesson: You can wait around for someone forever. But eventually you realize that that person isn't coming, and you either move on or waste away forever. I chose the former.

Good luck to you.

[misc]

Originally posted by york28:
I'm still working on getting over her, but I'm making good progress. I had some trouble with depression, but nothing too severe. Based on this experience and a few from my past, I suggest you follow the advice that's been posted here. Personally, I find that anytime that I start to feel disconnected and down, I go run for a mile or two. Exercise is an amazing outlet for all kinds of emotional energy. I'm also working on furthering my computer skills by trying to learn Illustrator better, and taking some classes this fall in topics I am really interested in.

My lesson: You can wait around for someone forever. But eventually you realize that that person isn't coming, and you either move on or waste away forever. I chose the former.

My ex broke up with me because she said I needed help, and the only way I would get it is if we took some time off. I don't think it was very smart to take a vacation with her and a few friends two days after. She spent every oppertunity flirting with every straight guy there, and when I called her on it she lied and said she wasn't flirting. Heh.

Half the time I miss her terribly. I think of all the good times that we had together, and I want them back. But on the other hand, the other half of the time I know that I'm too good for her . She's since moved on and started not exactly seeing another guy, just making him happy.... If you catch my drift. It's tough. I havn't seen her in a month or so. She's starting to not get along with our group of friends either. I dunno.. It's going to be weird going back to school and seeing her and my/her friend. Whatever, **** happens. And if it were true love, then it would have worked out. So i'd rather it happen now then in 10 years when we were married. She's a slut now anyways..

If you are feeling depressed, and I'm sure you are - Talk to a friend, you can IM me if you want, i'll be happy to talk.

Women - Can't live with them, can't live without them.

Oh right! I was going to say that after this happened I liked to go out for a walk, and just get my mind off of things. I went to the gym also, and it was good to go with a friend and just talk with him about life and stuff. Girl related and not.

[qnxde]

One of the hardest parts for me if I were to break up with my partner is not so much the loss of them, it's the loss of everything associated with them. (their family mostly, who I have become very close to over the past years) That to me is more scary, it's not the loss of one person, it's the sudden loss of several.

[Sven G]

Remain friends - one never knows what might happen in the future...