[abe]

Ok, let's have some really funny jokes.

I'll start. You guys come up with the best ones you can, also.

Three Rednecks were working on a BellSouth cell phone tower.

Bubba, Bruce and Jed.

Bubba falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the
body
away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."


Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."


Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.


Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"


"Bubba's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.


"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave
you beer?"


Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her,
'You must be Bubba's widow'."


She said, "No, I'm not a widow."


And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

[abe]

The Confused Shopper

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FiCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a crock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he askes this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and fick it while I get my crock and spank it"

[abe]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[Rumor]

This came in an email to me this morning.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer

[abe]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your ****ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[abe]

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!


One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

[MM-o4]

i thought the title of this thread was 'funny' jokes

MM

[andreas_g4]

penis bonus pax in domus.

[abe]

Originally Posted by MM-o4

i thought the title of this thread was 'funny' jokes

MM

Oh, you must be a liberal.

Whine, whine, whine but no better ideas of your own to offer.

Got it!



Come up with YOUR idea of a funny joke or STFU.

[placebo1969]

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?









The taste!!!

[lothar56]

Originally Posted by abe

Oh, you must be a liberal.

Whine, whine, whine but no better ideas of your own to offer.

Funniest Joke Yet™

This was recently posted in the "make me laugh" thread but I think it deserves repeating:

A baby seal walked into a club.

[abe]

Originally Posted by lothar56

Funniest Joke Yet™

This was recently posted in the "make me laugh" thread but I think it deserves repeating:

A baby seal walked into a club.

Yeah.

That is Euchomai's (Sorry for any likely misspelling.) signature joke.

His sig IMG is Jesus on a hang glider over a green field.

[hickey]

whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?




you cant **** a rock

[MM-o4]

Originally Posted by placebo1969

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?









The taste!!!

... this one gave me a giggle

same as the baby seal.
The other jokes take to long to get the point and aren't as witty.

MM

[KeriVit]

whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?




you cant **** a rock

[Daveecee]

Dead baby jokes

[KeriVit]

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

[abe]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[philm]

Originally Posted by lothar56

A baby seal walked into a club.

On a related theme: a seal's least favourite drink? Canadian Club...on the rocks

[angelmb]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD
YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP
CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

[angelmb]

An English teacher was explaining the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[abe]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[TubaMuffins]

Originally Posted by abe

Oh, you must be a liberal.

Whine, whine, whine but no better ideas of your own to offer.

Got it!



Come up with YOUR idea of a funny joke or STFU.

HAHAHA, that's a good one, liberal. WTF?!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[abe]

Originally Posted by TubaMuffins

HAHAHA, that's a good one, liberal. WTF?!
[...]"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[subego]

Originally Posted by KeriVit

you cant **** a rock

Must... Resist...

Aww, who we crappin? I can't help myself.

You can **** a rock?

[abe]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[Rumor]

Originally Posted by TubaMuffins

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

15k for a facelift, but riding the bus?

[abe]

Originally Posted by Rumor

15k for a facelift, but riding the bus?

She's a people person?

[Rumor]

So she has no car, a pretty face and tits that drag on the floor?

[abe]

Originally Posted by Rumor

So she has no car, a pretty face and tits that drag on the floor?

OK, she lives in NYC and doesn't need a car. She has a pretty face. And where'd you get the idea her tits dragged the floor?

[Eriamjh]

A man's wife had been seeing a therapist because she wasn't feeling very good about her middle-aged body. Her husband didn't pay much attention to her anymore, and she needed some encouragement. After several sessions over several weeks, one night she was at home standing in front of the mirror, naked, admiring herself.

"My therapist says I have a beautiful body and that I should feel good about it." she said to her husband who sat in the adjacent room.

"Did he say anything about your fat ass?" the husband said as he changed channels on the TV.

"Why, no. Your name didn't come up at all."

[abe]

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through their showers the priests realized there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father Dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happened for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

[abe]

Ernie the Hamster


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

[abe]

The Very Special Parrot!


A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

"Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal" the salesman said.

"What makes him so special?" the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."

So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?"
"Well I don't know" answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

[abe]

3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

[abe]

A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out, I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I will be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way, I hate needles and I'm not having any shot!" So the
dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not...it makes me sick for a couple of days. I am not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here, take
this pill." "What is it?" asks the cowboy. The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" "No," replies
the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull
your tooth."

[wdlove]

Some comic relief is always important. Especially with the constant bad news lately. My only hope is in prayer.

[Nai no Kami]

***Aroused***
A man comes home and shouts to his wife:
-Flora!. Prepare to make love five times!!!
-Wow, my love!. Are you that aroused?
-No. I came with four friends.

***Evidence***
-Do you know which is the difference between toilet paper and bathtub curtains?
-No
-Son of a biatch!. Then it was you!!!.


***Good advise***
A young man enters a pharmacy and desperately asks:
-Please sell me rapidly 200 condoms!!!
-Hey. Why don't you have it plastic wrapped?


***The photograph***
After a long and pleasing encounter at hers apartment, this man turns around, draws a cigarette from his jeans and looks for a lighter. As he can't find it, he asks her if he has one at hand.
-There should be some matches in that drawer.
He opens the drawer and he finds a box of matches and the photograph of a man. Naturally, he worries and asks her:
-Is this your husband?
-No, honey, she answers gently biting his ear.
-Your lover, then?
-Not at all, she replies continuing the ear engagement.
-Well... who is he then?, asks the puzzled man
- She replies calmly: It's me before the surgery.

***Saint Peter's doubt***
(in Argentina we neither have a significant amount of colored people, nor heavy racism problems. This one may affect the political correctness glands of some people)
A colored man goes to Heaven frightened of being forbidden to enter due to racism issues.
-Name? - Saint Peter asks
- Leonardo Di Caprio - answers the man
Saint Peter looks incredulously at him and asks for his name again
- Leonardo Di Caprio - replies the man, who now can't withdraw his sayings
Saint Peter grabs the phone and calls to God.
-Hey, Chief -he says with all due respect- Please address me this doubt: The Titanic sunk or was burned?

***Tattoo***
A guy goes to a tattoo house and asks the tattooer to make a 100 dollar bill on the head of his d¡ck.
The tattooer advises him to choose another place, since there it would be extremely painful.
The guy, in all his stubbornness, says he wants the tattoo made there for three reasons.
The tattooer, curious enough, asks what three reasons are those, and the guy replies:
1) I'm a business man and I like seeing my money to grow.
2) My wife is an accountant and likes to feel the money come and go.
3) Last, to remember that my mistress sucks all the money out of me!!!!

***Shredder***
An Andersen managing partner is in front the document shredder wit a pile of papers.
He looks puzzled and glances to both sides while an employee passes by and kindly asks.
-May I help you?
The managing partner thankfully replies:
- I think that technology is far beyond me...
The employee proactively grabs the pile of documents and begins to feed those to the machine, at the time which the noise of their destruction is heard. The employee says
-See?. It's easy...
So the managing partner asks
Now... where are the copies coming through???!!!
Moral of this tale: don't do things of you are not asked to!!!!. Sincerely, an unemployed.

[abe]

Bad day for Max Factor

Cosmetics heir and fugitive rapist Andrew Luster, great-grandson of makeup legend Max Factor, was captured in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico yesterday by a bounty hunter. Luster had jumped a $1 million bail and fled the US during his trial for drugging and then raping three women. He was sentenced to 124 years in prison, a sentence he began serving today.

The rest of the Factor family was said to be in hiding, avoiding all contact with the press, deeply embarrassed by having such a bad heir day.

[abe]

(Best if you imagine Connery's voice as 007 here.)

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,

..
.......
...............
...........................
.............................................

and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast!

[olePigeon]

Originally Posted by abe

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak English very well.

Fixed.

[abe]

Originally Posted by olePigeon

Fixed.

Thank you. Please poofread all my psots.

[olePigeon]

Two muffins are in the oven.
One muffin says to the other, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
The other replies, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!!!"

[lothar56]

What's brown and sticky?

...


A STICK!

[abe]

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

[Mithras]

Originally Posted by abe

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

The Gileadites?

[abe]

Originally Posted by Mithras

The Gileadites?

Ok. I give up. What do the Gileadites have to do with lisps or the "cruel" decision to include the letter "S" in the word?

[abe]

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by abe

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

-t

[abe]

Mr. Smith goes to doctor's office to collect his wifes test results.

"I'm sorry, there's been a mix up and we have a problem" the doctor says.

"When we sent your wife's sample to the lab the samples from another Mrs. Smith was sent as well and we are uncertain which one is which and frankly that's either bad or terrible" Says the Doctor.

"Whattya mean?" Mr. Smith asks.

"Well one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimers disease and the other for AIDS. We cant tell which test is your wife's." says the Doctor.

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asks Mr. Smith.

The doctor says, "I recommend you drop your wife in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't **** her."