[memory-minus]

I've got a tough decision to make and I find that soliciting advice from strangers is often the best way to form an opinion. Here's the situation:

1) Friend of mine and her husband are coming into town. They want to go out to eat at a fairly expensive ($25 to $35 entrees) restaurant. This resturant is where they got engaged and since having moved away, any time they visit the area they want to go. So it's very meaningful for them.

2) The couple will be staying in our (my partner and I) guest bedroom for the length of their stay, three nights.

3) My birthday was on Friday, and while I got a very thoughtful gift from my friend, she mentioned going to the restaurant to "do your birthday right."

4) Because of recent significant expenses (yesterday I found out I need glasses, which were pricey, and in 2 weeks I'm having my wisdom teeth removed and my insurance only covers 50%, etc), we simply can't afford to go to this restaurant right now. The glasses were a surprise, and as of yesterday before my eye appointment I was planning to go to the restaurant and pay for my partner and I.

Do I:

a) Tell my friend I can't go, don't mention financial situation, and encourage them to go anyway.

b) Tell my friend I can't go, mention financial situation, and encourage them to go anyway.

c) Go assuming the dinner is a gift and if not, suck it up and put it on the credit card.

d) Ask if dinner is a gift and if not, attempt to bow out gracefully.

e) Your cynical, sarcastic response goes here.


What would be the most polite, proper way to handle this situation? We've been friends over 10 years but I've never been in a situation like this with her. I consider her to be a reasonable, level-headed person.

[RAILhead]

I'd go with C.

[Doofy]

B) It's the truth.

[Dakar]

I'd go with A.

[Kr0nos]

Go with c), unless there's a chance your CC won't cover it. Then a) is probably your best choice.

Chances are though that they'll pay for it anyway.

[OreoCookie]

Use (b). It's the truth and I'm sure that they'll understand your situation (unless they are heartless snobs). Then they still have the option to invite you along, but in the least, they can understand your reasons for not going.

If you use (a), you'd be impolite, because they know you are aware of the significance of this evening, they come and stay at your place (= I assume you are not just acquaintances), but you don't join them for this fairly important occasion.

[Mastrap]

If you don't want to put it on the card, B without a doubt. She's a friend, she'll understand. If it was meant to be a present she'll tell you there and then, if not you won't bankrupt yourself.

If you're happy putting it on the credit card, just go and see what happens.

I agree with Oreo, A is rude.

[memory-minus]

There's no issue with my CC covering it, I just hate putting things on the card and I won't be able to pay this off until next month unless I dip into savings, which I also hate.

[Dakar]

I don't like B because it can come off as a subtle request for them to pay for it all.

[memory-minus]

Originally Posted by Dakar

I don't like B because it can come off as a subtle request for them to pay for it all.

I totally agree with this. Currently I'm leaning towards C. The way she said "do your birthday right" and the fact that we are saving them probably hundreds on a hotel room make me think dinner will be a gift. But I also think I'm a jerk for assuming that.

[SirCastor]

If given genuinely, B, will not come off as a request for them to pay. B is the best choice.

[Rumor]

I'm torn between B & C. B because if you cannot afford it, it makes sense in telling the truth. C because if you can put it on a CC without killing yourself then do it since it sounds like these friends do not come into town often.

[ort888]

If they are close friends (which it doesn't sound like, simply because you felt the need to write this post) I'd go with b. If not, go with C.

[euchomai]

C is your only option. You only have one chance in this life, you might as well splurge from time to time. Even if you go out and spend $100 on your meal, if you were to pay it off the next month (I'm assuming past your grace period, you typically have about 28 days) you are only looking at about $110 total. Just don't splurge the next month.

[keekeeree]

Suck it up and go with option C, after all:

1) They're your close friends
2) You had a birthday...celebrate!
3) If it's not going to cause you to lose your home or car, it's just money.
4) In two weeks, leaving the dentist's office still groggy on novacaine and unaccustomed to your new prescription glasses, you slip of a curb and get hit by a bus. In which case, spending a few extra bucks over your budget isn't gonna mean a thing.

[cjrivera]

I'll be the first with e)

Say you'll go , but then fake a big fight with your significant other (with lots of yelling and screaming). Your friends will be more than happy to leave for an evening out, without having to be in the middle of a fight. When they come back, say you've made up, and are fine.

Otherwise my vote is for C.

[memory-minus]

Thanks everyone, I decided to go with C because yes, it won't kill me to put it on the card, my friends DON'T come to town very often and there's no uncomfortable conversation. Come dinner it'll either be "allow us" or "let's split the bill." Either way will work.

[RAILhead]

I Won!!!11!

[turtle777]

Another vote for B)

-t

[Dakar]

Originally Posted by RAILhead

I Won!!!11!

Alright, I shall abide by our agreed upon terms.

*commits seppuku*

[OreoCookie]

Originally Posted by Dakar

*commits seppuku*

Somebody knows his stuff!

[Big Mac]

If not C, then A.

[Dakar]

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

Somebody knew his stuff!

Updated

[Cody Dawg]

I know exactly how to handle this situation.

First of all, it sounds as though your friend only wants to bring you to dinner as her treat. And to be honest, it's the only thing that they can do because they are staying with you and that, my dear, is "proper etiquette." It is proper etiquette to bring your host(s) to dinner at a nice restaurant when you are staying with them.



However, to assuage your mind, while you're in a casual situation bring up your teeth and mention casually that you have financial concerns right now because of that situation and how much it will cost. Do not make it an uncomfortable situation by mentioning that you cannot afford to go to dinner or that you are worried about contributing to the tab.

Then, go to dinner with your friends. DO NOT OFFER TO PAY FOR DINNER WHEN THE CHEQUE IS BROUGHT TO THE TABLE.

Remember, they are guests of yours in your home and the least that they can do is pick up the tab for supper!

There you go.

[itai195]

Personally I'd go with (B) and have done so in the past. You do have to finesse it a bit so it wouldn't come across as an attempt to get them to pay. Admittedly I have gotten a reputation in some circles as a penny pincher, but that seems totally unfounded to me given my lifestyle. I'm only willing to take on any debt if there's an emergency or I'm acquiring an asset.

Not to rant or anything, but I think decisions like these are what land a lot of our fellow Americans in extreme debt. There are other great ways to celebrate your birthday than eating a meal you can't afford.

[RAILhead]

He already came to his conclusion.

I AM STILL TEH WINNAR!!11!

[itai195]

Yeah but I still wanted to post! I'm nothing if not opinionated

[mitchell_pgh]

My advice:

Use a new option: You could technically pay for the dinner with your Credit Card, but you are choosing to be responsible with your finances.

The mitchell_pgh Option: Say "I've had a number of large expenditures and are on a tight budget this month... but would still like the two of you to go."

If they don't offer to pay for you, that's their problem.

[wvx]

C all the way. Or slip taco bell in and just order soup and water! haha

B is a great option too. If they are good friends they'll say... "Heck! We got you!". If a friend said B to me I'd cover him in a heart beat and he would do the same for me. Of course I would order something reasonable if they were paying.

Good point Cody, it is good form to take your host/s to dinner.

[spacefreak]

I'd ask them if they wouldn't mind going to a less expensive restaurant. Tell them it's because you are currently tight on money.

Then the decision rests with them.

[turtle777]

I don't understand.

If they are REALLY good friends, B) or D) should definitely cut it.

-t

[Eug]

Heh. I would have gone with A.
C could lead to awkwardness when the cheque arrives. And yeah, B does sound like a subtle plea for a free meal, but it is reasonable if it is a close friend.

Tell us how it goes.

Originally Posted by Cody Dawg

I know exactly how to handle this situation.

First of all, it sounds as though your friend only wants to bring you to dinner as her treat. And to be honest, it's the only thing that they can do because they are staying with you and that, my dear, is "proper etiquette." It is proper etiquette to bring your host(s) to dinner at a nice restaurant when you are staying with them.



However, to assuage your mind, while you're in a casual situation bring up your teeth and mention casually that you have financial concerns right now because of that situation and how much it will cost. Do not make it an uncomfortable situation by mentioning that you cannot afford to go to dinner or that you are worried about contributing to the tab.

I guess it depends on the people. I often pay for dinner if people are staying with me a night. However, if they are staying a while (and they aren't broke), I'd expect them to pick up at least some of the meals (but not all of them).

[KeriVit]

I think paying for dinner for someone taking you in for a few days is only right.

However, my big brother wants me to visit him so bad, he insists I just get there (Savannah to New Orleans) and he'll take care of everything while I'm there. So, I think that is nice too. But my brother loves his little sis.

Let us know how dinner goes.

[olePigeon]

e) Go to the restaurant, get plastered, fall of your chair drunk, then swagger to the nearest exit laughing and kissing people you don't know. Your friends will put it on their credit card, apologize, and make a quick exit. You get free food, free alcohol, and probably a free taxi. Best of all, the next morning, you won't remember a thing!

[- - e r i k - -]

C is your only option. Stop living life sensible goddammit. What if you got hit by a stingray tomorrow?

[Monique]

Since money does not grow on trees like some of you think. Tell them the truth, you have to pass this time because of unfortunate financial difficulties. If they are good friends and since they are staying to your place for free and eat your food for free; they might say forget about it; we would like to thank you for your kindness and it is your birthday.

If they are not your friends, do not go to any restaurant where you will have to pay the bill or pay for the other 2. You do not have the money and do not take the chance.

Anyway what did you have planned for your birthday??

[Cody Dawg]

I say this:

Let's all chip in $5 so that memory-minus can buy a good meal at a restaurant and not have to freeload on his friends!

[memory-minus]

Originally Posted by Cody Dawg

I say this:

Let's all chip in $5 so that memory-minus can buy a good meal at a restaurant and not have to freeload on his friends!

PM me for my PayPal addy.

[Cody Dawg]

I will...anyone else in?

[alligator]

So what happened? Did they pay?

[memory-minus]

OK. Here's how it went down.

I discussed with my partner what I felt we should do (which was C) and he suggested we go with B. Being naturally nervous about putting ANYTHING on a credit card I can't pay off the same month, it was an easy compromise.

So when I picked my friends up at the airport last night, as I was driving them to my home, I say "Well, I hate to do this but I talked it over with [partner] and we decided that due our current financial situation, we're just not able to go to [restaurant] tomorrow night. But you guys should go, absolutely -- I hope they are able to change the reservation without much trouble."

The response: "Oh, that's too bad."

So they are still out at the restaurant as of right now, and I'm chilling at home after going to a DELICIOUS but run down hole-in-the-wall mongolian BBQ place and getting some homemade cheesecake from a local dessert cafe for less than $30 total for both of us.

Who wants to eat at a stuffy restaurant for that much cash anyway?

[KeriVit]

Wow. Wouldn't have expected exactly
that response. Good for u!

[Eriamjh]

I was hoping for "E": make up a lame excuse about a relative dying, pretending to visit them, then being stuck trying to make up answers for the questions they ask you afterwards.

Like every effing sitcome hollywood makes.

Glad your evening and situation went well. Let us know if they rub it in.

[Eug]

Now I'm hungry.

[memory-minus]

Here's the latest. They went to dinner at 7 PM. It's now 11:30 PM. I just now got a call from them saying they are on their way back.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem but since I picked them up from the airport at midnight last night and subsequently didn't get to bed until 1 AM, then got up at my usual 6 AM for work, I'm pretty tired and irked they stayed out so late. I'll be sure to give them a key so they can just come and go whenever they please.

[KeriVit]

You do this for them and they can't buy you a meal? Nice.

[Nodnarb]

...They went to dinner wihtout you?


Or was this a different dinner?

[euchomai]

This drama ended up all wrong. Now it seems there is resentment on your side and they have moved on without you. I wish we could have thought about telling you to split a plate with your partner, get two glasses of water and eat all their free bread. Oh well...

[Nodnarb]

Originally Posted by Nodnarb

...They went to dinner wihtout you?


Or was this a different dinner?

Sorry, somehow missed your earlier post explaining how you told them you couldn't go. That surprises me they wouldn't tell you to come along anyways, especially since they are staying at your house.

However, you are a nicer friend than I; I would not have picked them up after they had a night of partying without me. That's what cabs are for.

[SirCastor]

Wow, I'm really surprised that they did that. Oh well, at least you still have your friends.