[lpkmckenna]

Oh god, that's awful. I don't want to sound like Pollyanna, but people often say things they don't mean when they're stressed, and holidays can be very stressful.

BTW, here's an excellent resource page for you: http://www.health.gov.bc.ca/mhd/publications.html#Mood

We're all thinking of you and your sister. Don't let the "depression-demon" win.

[k2director]

My advice to you is to rely less on therapy and more on building a life where you help others. I'm not talking about volunteer work, I'm talking about looking at careers that give you a chance to seriously help other people in need, full-time, year after year. Build houses in the third world. Become a teacher somewhere, a social worker, etc. etc. When you start helping other people, you will start to realize how important a role you fill in their lives and therefore the world. And I think that will give you the sense of purpose and legitimacy and meaning that you're looking for...

Good luck, and keep going! If you keep doing the work, you *will* find what you're looking for...

[besson3c]

Wow...

I know that there is a lot of pressure to be with family during the holidays, but it's hard to see what good could come out of spending time with people like your parents, no offense or disrespect intended. Even without the bleach incident, all of the angry words and tension sounds like something that ought to be avoided - even if that means not spending Thanksgiving together.

How are you doing? I hope you understand that when people cannot control their anger that this is *their* problem, and not yours? I know this is very hard to remember when you feel like a victim, but when somebody cannot express themselves without all of the emotional shrapnel, this is their own failing. It sounds to me like your parents have deeply rooted insecurities of their own.

The good and uplifting news is that you can choose not to spend time with them, to not have these same problems, and to do things with your life so that you are not left so frustrated and emotional that you have no choice but to yell and say horrible things to other people. It sounds like you were doing fairly well before all of this. I might suggest simply acknowledging these events, and letting them go as best as you can. There is no point in clinging to these unpleasant memories and (understandably) ill feelings towards people which you have no control over. This will just tear you down, and for what? If you are angry with these people you probably don't want to give them the satisfaction of them taking something from you - big or small.

I'm sure that events as traumatic as this will take their toll on you, they would anybody - definitely me, so it is understandable that they will take something from you, but try not to let them consume too much of you. You don't deserve these negative memories/experiences, you don't need them, and if you were Spock from Star Trek and had no emotions you would probably think that there is no rational reason to dwell on them anyway! Like I said, we unfortunately do not have the luxury of being Spock, but I'm just giving you as many good reasons as are valid to not let these events drag you down - that's the take home message!

[besson3c]

The living in another country idea is actually kind of neat. In many countries your American dollar will go a long way, and while you have the luxury of being single and young it can provide you with a real life lasting, profound personal experience. It would also be an escape from your existence in New York.

Mind you, there are downsides such as the loneliness of not being able to speak the native language of the country you are in (if not an English speaking country), but if this kind of thing wouldn't bother you, even doing 6 months or something like that would really be quite the experience, and really recharge the ol' batteries...

[Mithras]

MacGallant, I'm sorry things were so hard this Thanksgiving.

I want to pipe in to say: I've been severely suicidal several times in the past. I made one gesture/attempt that had me hanging from a belt in my closet, on the edge of consciousness. Which is to say: I know what it is to feel that there is no path forward, and that only death will offer an escape from the pain.

I've crawled back from that precipice, and can report that it really is possible to see a future that's worth living. Not a rosy idyllic future, but a real one, and one that I'd rather be here for than not. It's taken medication, some very intensive therapy (3+ times a week), some very uncomfortable and unhappy talks with my loved ones, and some substantial changes in my life circumstances (my job, my school, and how I go about them) to get here. So it can be done, but it won't be easy. But it will be worth it.

In the meantime, if you'd like to talk things over, or just get together for some low-key hangout, I'm here in the city and would be happy to chill with you. PM me.

[brassplayersrock²]

For what your dad said to your sister, (this is not my field, so if I'm wrong, some correct me please) can't you or someone in the family, get a police report against him for attempted murder (second hand?). he was encouraging her to kill herself, there has to be somewhere in the books that says he was an accomplice, and should be eligible for prison time.

good luck with everything MacGallant.

[MOTHERWELL]

Originally Posted by MacGallant 

Kerrigan, I noticed you said you were dating a male model,
so do you know, by any chance, what a guy needs and how to be a male model?

First step is to have some professional photos taken of yourself in order to build up your Book. I forget the proper term for the 'card' but it is basically your headshot on one side and on the other is several photos of you in different 'looks.' You can then send this card to modeling agencies.

Just a warning though that your image is absolutely everything in modeling (duh). They are looking for an exact type usually, so don't get down on yourself if an agency decides to pass. There are tons of different types of modeling, from high fashion runway to standard print. Since you are 6'1" you have the option of trying everything.

Also, about 4 years ago I moved to Los Angeles after college. I knew no one and became very depressed because I felt so alone. I would be watching TV and within one minute I would go from feeling ok to crying and feeling like I wanted to die. Suicidal thoughts became constant. I told my doctor this and he gave me Cymbalta for depression. Fast forward to today and I haven't had suicidal thoughts in many years. I am actually tapering off of the cymbalta because I think I no longer need to take them. I am conscious of keeping a positive frame of mind. Also, working out seems to help my mood - I read that you are doing the same. There is no better confidence builder than to see results from the gym. I am glad you were able to open up in this thread and share your feelings. Good luck to you!

P.S. Hearing stories about your father really upsets me. Anger, rage, etc.

[ThinkInsane]

MacGalant, I mean no disrespect towards your family, I know that there is always an obligation to love them no mater what, but your old man is a tool. Seriously. Anyone that would encourage his own child to commit suicide, or anyone else to do so for that matter, has their own issues to deal with. I don't say this to be harsh, only because I recently realized that I was on my way to being just like him. For the last 9 years I've worked as a guard in a psychiatric hospital, and I realized that my compassion was gone, that I was working a job I didn't even need for all the wrong reasons (honestly, the daily physical altercations were a huge stress reliever for me). I was to the point where I would get a call for a suicide watch, see the same person I've seen 20 times before with the same superficial wrist lacerations, and my first thought would be "Seriously, you don't know where there's a bridge jump off? Quit messing around and do it already". Lately I'd find myself thinking "should I just provoke this guy so I can put him in restraints and get him medicated so he'll shut up?". That's when I knew it was time to move on, because it didn't used to be that way. I used to take the time to talk to people, or just listen. I don't know how many times I had people come back in to thank me for listening to them when they were at their worst. Or took the time to talk them down instead of tackling them and putting them in 4-point restraints. I once even received a PM from a member here thanking me because I had done a suicide watch on his brother, and if I remember correctly had the kid laughing by the time my shift was over for devising the most asinine suicide plan ever. But these days I probably would have told him to shut the **** up. I was becoming your dad, and I didn't like it.

I'm glad to hear you are taking steps to improve your situation, but as Thanksgiving proved there will be setbacks. It's not an easy process, and it takes time, but there is always hope bro. Just be prepared for that and don't let it foster a feeling of hopelessness, you have had your share of that already. There's help out there if you need it. Being in NYC, there are plenty of places you can get "emergency" psychiatric care. There are probably a dozen hospitals in the city that have a CPEP (Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program) where you can be evaluated by a psychiatrist, and either be referred to outpatient treatment, held voluntarily (9.15 under Mental Hygiene Law) or involuntarily (9.40) for up to 72 hours for continued observation and stabilization, or inpatient care, again either voluntary or involuntary (9.27, where two physicians sign a certificate agreeing that the patient is a threat to themselves or others). I know none of that seems particularly appealing, but this is your life we are talking about, and the CPEP program was established for people when they are at their worst. If it gets bad, you just have to walk in the door and say "I'm suicidal", and they'll take it from there. You don't even have to walk in, just pick up the phone, dial 911 and say "I'm suicidal" and a patrol car will come pick you up and give you a ride to the closest unit.

Here's list I found of the CPEP units in NYC, although this is actually the numbers for the mobile crisis outreach, it has the names and addresses of the participating facilities. I will tell you, because I can't count how many times this has been an issue that ended up in physical altercations with patients that didn't read the sign on the door, these are secured psychiatric units, and once you come in you legally can not leave until a psychiatrist has evaluated you and discharged you. It's just the nature of emergent psychiatric care so don't let that intimidate you.

It sounds like you are taking good steps to better your situation, and I hope you keep it up and don't let things drag you down. From what I've read here, it sounds like you don't really want to off yourself, even if it's on your mind. Remember though, the minute those thoughts start to get worse, they get darker or just start seeming like a good idea, it's time to kick your treatment up to the next level so you get the help you need to get them under control.

And don't forget, you saved that pup. You're her ****ing hero man. She depends on you to be there for her because you are the most important thing in her life. Even if the rest of the world hates you, the unconditional love of a dog is all you need.