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What is the worst joke you have ever heard?
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HamSandwich
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May 11, 2014, 08:23 AM
 
An eye and a foot are in deep conversation.

Says the eye: I'll have to walk.
Says the foot: Show me.
     
ebuddy
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May 11, 2014, 09:28 AM
 
Two guys walk into a bar, third one ducks.


it makes your bad joke much worse if you laugh after telling it.
ebuddy
     
subego
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May 11, 2014, 01:44 PM
 
What did the guru say to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."
     
subego
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May 11, 2014, 01:45 PM
 
What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.



Related: man with three balls cannot walk.
     
mattyb
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May 11, 2014, 02:09 PM
 
Originally Posted by subego View Post
What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.
That only works in basball friendly countries.
     
subego
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May 11, 2014, 02:15 PM
 
What do those people think about during sex?
     
HamSandwich
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May 12, 2014, 03:26 AM
 
Gosh, had been away for a while and trying to catch up with everything... Doing my best... Getting there at a point.
     
Doc HM
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May 12, 2014, 08:53 AM
 
Man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So the barman gave him one.
This space for Hire! Reasonable rates. Reach an audience of literally dozens!
     
Laminar
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May 12, 2014, 11:56 AM
 
Originally Posted by subego View Post
What did the guru say to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."
I feel like I just saw a video of someone trying to tell that joke to the Dalai Lama...who was it?
     
Shaddim
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May 12, 2014, 01:55 PM
 
That whole "dots, not feathers" thing for identifying "Indians", it always makes me groan a little.
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
- Thomas Paine
     
Chongo
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May 21, 2014, 09:48 AM
 
The Aristocrats
45/47
     
mooblie
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May 21, 2014, 01:27 PM
 
I feel like I just saw a video of someone trying to tell that joke to the Dalai Lama...who was it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GogjFO8GNEo
( Last edited by mooblie; May 21, 2014 at 01:48 PM. )
Martin in the Scottish Highlands
     
zro
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May 21, 2014, 03:51 PM
 
Originally Posted by Chongo View Post
The Aristocrats
Seriously. Might've been funny the first telling, but by now no. Not even worth it.
     
Ham Sandwich
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May 21, 2014, 08:10 PM
 
Alright not really a joke, but it's funny:

Apple Pulls Top Free iOS App 'Weed Firm' from App Store - Mac Rumors

The quote from the developer at Manitoba Games actually me bent over laughing:

We guess the problem was that the game was just too good and got to number one in All Categories, since there are certainly a great number of weed based apps still available, as well as games promoting other so-called 'illegal activities' such as shooting people, crashing cars and throwing birds at buildings.
     
Shaddim
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May 21, 2014, 11:37 PM
 
You can get GTA but not "Weed Firm", seriously?
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
- Thomas Paine
     
Ham Sandwich
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May 22, 2014, 01:16 PM
 
Apparently "throwing birds at buildings" is a crime of comparable injustice to crashing cars and shooting people :o
     
unicast reversepath
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May 31, 2014, 08:27 PM
 
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?



 
If you have Ghosts, you have Everything!
     
Spheric Harlot
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Jun 1, 2014, 04:45 AM
 
Two peanuts were walking down the street.

Then, one was assaulted.

Peanut.
     
subego
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Jun 1, 2014, 12:13 PM
 
Fly never fluck again!



That's just the punch line, the joke is too long, and also kinda racist.
     
subego
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Jun 1, 2014, 12:18 PM
 
A man seeks out a hermit who supposedly holds the secret of true happiness. He has to ford dangerous rivers, and climb many mountains to get there.

When he finally arrives he asks the hermit for his secret.

The hermit replies "the true secret to happiness is never to argue. Never to disagree."

The man says "it can't be that simple."

The hermit says "okay, it's not".
     
ort888
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Jun 1, 2014, 04:01 PM
 
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

 

My sig is 1 pixel too big.
     
besson3c
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Jun 1, 2014, 06:59 PM
 
Ort888: if a burglar or rapist tried to break into your home and there happened to be a porcupine around, I would throw the porcupine at that guy, using it is a handy weapon.
     
unicast reversepath
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Jun 1, 2014, 10:39 PM
 
3 porcupines and the Olsen twins walk into a bar...
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unicast reversepath
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Jun 1, 2014, 10:48 PM
 
Originally Posted by Spheric Harlot View Post
Two peanuts were walking down the street.

Then, one was assaulted.

Peanut.

my critique
If you have Ghosts, you have Everything!
     
zro
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Jun 2, 2014, 10:25 AM
 
Originally Posted by Spheric Harlot View Post
Two peanuts were walking down the street.

Then, one was assaulted.

Peanut.
Geek version:

Two passwords were walking down the street. One was a salted.
     
unicast reversepath
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Jun 2, 2014, 10:56 PM
 
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
If you have Ghosts, you have Everything!
     
unicast reversepath
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Jun 3, 2014, 03:55 PM
 
The only 3 survivors of a shipwreck manage to swim to a desert island. There's an American, a Dutch and a Chinese. The American says:

-Listen up Fellas, I took some survival courses, so just do what I say and everything will be fine. I will take care of the food, you - pointing at the Dutch - will take care of the wood, and you - pointing at the Chinese - will take care of the supplies.

As agreed, they meet at the same place one hour later. The American is carrying some fish and a few squirrels. The Dutch is balancing a big pile of firewood. The Chinese, however is nowhere to be seen. They look around, search the place, nothing.

"Poor soul" they think "He must have fallen victim to some wild animal.

Then one of the bushes starts to shake and the Chinese jumps out grinning:

"SUH-PLIIIIIEEEEZZ"
If you have Ghosts, you have Everything!
     
subego
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Jun 3, 2014, 04:23 PM
 
Here's another one where you only get the punch line, which are the names of streets in Chicago.

Paulina, Melvina, and Lunt.
     
Dork.
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Jun 3, 2014, 07:29 PM
 
What's brown and sticky?
     
Spheric Harlot
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Jun 4, 2014, 01:10 AM
 
A stick.

     
design219
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Jun 6, 2014, 01:35 PM
 
What did George Washington say to his men before crossing the Delaware?

 
__________________________________________________

My stupid iPhone game: Nesen Probe, it's rather old, annoying and pointless, but it's free.
Was free. Now it's gone. Never to be seen again.
Off to join its brother and sister apps that could not
keep up with the ever updating iOS. RIP Nesen Probe.
     
Laminar
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Jun 8, 2014, 09:31 PM
 
OH SHIT YOU'RE BACK. allcaps
     
   
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