[11011001]

whatever

[hyteckit]

It takes two to tango.

You can't blame the guy and not blame your gf. You said the guy has no ethic or morals. Pretty much should be directed at your gf also.

[forkies]

if you have to come to a mac forum and ask that question

do her the favor

[powerbook867]

Similar thing happened to me in my first marriage. Bottom line is that you can't trust her again. Also, it will take a while till you trust anyone again, but it will happen.

Once someone cheats, that incident lingers in the back of your mind everytime you look at that person. At least it did for me. Say goodbye and move on.....

Just don't do what I did and drink yourself into a stupor for two years....

I know it sucks....

[effgee]

The problem is not whether or not you can forgive her - the point is whether or not you'll be able to trust her. So much for the rational part.

The fire in my belly would tell me that not only did she betray my trust, she also lied to me - which in my book is at least as despicable. I'd tell her to go to hell. Of course, all this also depends on what kind of relationship you guys had - ymmv.

[jersey]

see ya, bye. if she did it once .... whose to say she wont do it again, especially if she knows you will forgive her. i was once in her situation.... significant other gone... oops...i tripped, fell, and landed on another woman. i was forgiven, then......oops, look it accidently happen again. all in all, it happened 4 times. why did i do it? not because i'm evil (contrary to popular belief) but because i could. i knew i would be forgiven. don't get into that situation. doesn't matter how much you care for her, she betrayed your trust. if you dont have trust, you dont have anything.

oh....and currently, i am a 1 woman man, and it's great.

[Misanthrope]

Kill the bitch.

edit: but did you get head?

kidding

[faragbre967]

Dump her and find a new one. It's not that hard to find somebody else, there's someone out there for everyone. That does suck, though, I hope things turn out OK.

[Kilbey]

If you are a Christian, and someone who is also a Christian, comes to you and asks you, with sincerity, to forgive them, you are bound by Christianity's beliefs to forgive them.

If you are not married you don't need to stay with this person. However, if you are married, one of the only situations that allows for a divorce, is unrepentant infidelity.

But you may not be a Christian, and if you are not, then you basically do what ever you wantl. You certainly aren't bound by it's beliefs.

[thunderous_funker]

How long has it been "long distance"? Why is long distance? Is this a permanent situation?

Monogamy is not the natural order of things and being far away only makes it worse.

I might be a weirdo but I don't consider all "stepping out" to be equal. That is to say, consider the severity of the crime before you dish out punishment. Cheating on someone you live with is a helluva lot different (in terms of degree) than cheating on someone who lives far away.

Also consider that she told you and already demonstrated considerable remorse and regret. Hell, you could have died never knowing what she did when she was living elsewhere. The fact is, her conscience wouldn't let her do that. Not exactly what I'd call an unethical person.

If what you have together is of value to you, then maybe the issue is the distance and not the indiscretion. If you can't be in the same place, then maybe you should open the relationship up until the situation changes. You can both follow your bliss a bit and see where it leads you. If fortunes change and you can be in the same place again and you haven't found something better, you can always give it another shot.

Things happen. People make mistakes. Distance changes all equations. I don't think you should forget that when making your decision.

Just my .02

You should pretend to forgive her and then sleep with her sister or her best friend. If you succeed, then dump her. If there's no chance of that happening, dump her and don't look back.

[Patrick]

Originally posted by 11011001:
I feel so utterly betrayed. I don't get close to anyone.. not even my parents.. and the one person who I do get close to.. stabs me in the back. Hmm, at the same time I am so sad. I don't really want to loose her.. I am willing to give her a chance. But, how can I possibly trust her again?

Tell her this (minus that part about your parents, unless she's a psychologist). She does care about you too, right?

The long distance factor might make things complicated, but I've never tried that so I wouldn't know exactly how.

[Stradlater]

Dump her, if it was strong enough to work out, she wouldn't have slept with someone else. Maybe she'll mature someday, and you can go back to her, but in the meantime, lose the bitch.

[effgee]

Originally posted by 11011001:
I don't really want to loose her

Not knowing you or the specifics of the situation you're in, another relatively important question comes to mind: Do you really not want to loose her or is it possible that you are afraid of being alone?

[Stradlater]

Originally posted by Patrick:
Tell her this (minus that part about your parents, unless she's a psychologist). She does care about you too, right?

The long distance factor might make things complicated, but I've never tried that so I wouldn't know exactly how.

If she cared about him as much as she should have, it would have never gone so far. Long-distance is quite the test, usually not worth it, especially not when things like this happen.

[:XI:]

Originally posted by forkies:
if you have to come to a mac forum and ask that question

do her the favor

Welcome to the lounge.

[Sherwin]

Dump. Forget.

[Stradlater]

Originally posted by 11011001:
I don't get close to anyone.. not even my parents.. and the one person who I do get close to.. stabs me in the back. Hmm, at the same time I am so sad. I don't really want to loose her..

effgee: looks like he's more afraid of being alone, which is understandable, but being alone seems better than an alternative that involves an immature partner.

[kmkkid]

Depends on the circumstances. If she was drunk, thats no excuse, but I'd sort of understand. Been there done that.

Forgive her if she's truely sincere.



Chris

[Stradlater]

Originally posted by Sherwin:
Dump. Forget.

[effgee]

Originally posted by Stradlater:
being alone seems better than an alternative that involves an immature partner.

We have saying here - goes something like this: "Better an end with horror than horror without end."

[:XI:]

I believe everyone deserve a second chance. If she screws up again. then dump her.

On another note. s**t happens. relationships last because people work at them. sure you've only been together a year, not 10 with a couple of kids, but was that year all plain sailing? ever have an argument? not talk for a few days? hell, you two could take a break and see how it goes.

Sometimes, things aren't always black and white.

I hope you two can work it out.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Captain Obvious]

Originally posted by Kilbey:
If you are a Christian, and someone who is also a Christian, comes to you and asks you, with sincerity, to forgive them, you are bound by Christianity's beliefs to forgive them.

----------

But you may not be a Christian, and if you are not, then you basically do what ever you wantl. You certainly aren't bound by it's beliefs.

Pff, yeah that's how you should make up your mind

If you want to forgive her fine, if you can come to terms with that then good for you.

But either way dump her and then proceed to sleep with her best friend and her younger sister. You won't be able to trust her again anyway and long distance relationships that go this route are already doomed. She didn't even tell you the truth right away. She cheated and then lied about how she did. The difference between kissing someone out of drunkenness and sleeping with them is quite stark. I'd say that difference alone would be the determining factor for me.
She may feel remorse but the fact she chose to do this means she want's out, isn't happy with the relationship, or just doesn't respect her commitment to you. I'm not sure why you hesitated to kick her to the curb already.

[11011001]

deleted

[valeriam01]

Being a girl, and having been in a 2-year long distance relationship before...there were times when things were going really really badly, but I still have never cheated on anyone yet. I think that if someone cheated in a relationship, it's a sign that things are clearly not working and that it's time for the relationship to end. As it is, all relationships are different, and perhaps you'd learn to overlook the incident as time moved on, I just don't know if I could. My 2 cents.

[kmkkid]

Originally posted by 11011001:
I am 19. None of my friends have been cheated on yet.. so, I was looking for some people who have gone through this.. and for some people who would offer me some good advice. I already talked to my friends about this. They won't tell me what I should do, because they think the choice is mine. I agree with them, but, I still wouldn't mind some advice from people who have more experience than them or myself.

Kilby, I was educated in Catholic schools my whole life, but never baptized. This upbringing is where the whole forgiveness belief of mine comes from. However, I am a theist. She is not Christian.. she's Korean.. and her parents are Buddhist I believe.

I really appreciate all the wise posts. They are helping.

I am very much afraid that I can't trust her again. I think she is too naive. What did she think a 27 year old guy would want to do with her?

Hmm, I think I am most disappointed in her lack of will power. I thought she was a strong person, not easily susceptible to other peoples will.. or even to her own urges.. but well, she isn't the person I thought she was. I am feeling very disillusioned at the moment.

So, was she drunk? Some peoples inhibitions go straight out the window when drunk. I speak from experience It's no excuse, but it's better than nothing.


Chris

[thunderous_funker]

From reading these reactionary responses I'm guessing that many posters are either very young, very inexperienced with long term relationships, or have expressed their prudish and reactionary opinions often enough that their partners wouldn't tell them truth about an idescretion if it came right down to it.

Not all cheating is the same. Period.

The problem you're having isn't a question of morals or even ethics. Its a question of practical necessity.

You either need to change the fact that you live far apart, change the rules of the game for the time that you're apart or simply call it off until circumstances are more favorable for monogamy.

I'm guessing that after a year together you've got something that is certainly worth taking some time to think about before simply throwing it away over this.

P.S. In college I found out my fiancee was sleeping with my best friend. How did I find out? He told me cuz he couldn't live with himself. He is still my best friend. She and I never spoke again.

People make mistakes. By now you probably know her well enough to decide whether she's someone who would intentionally hurt you or be careless with your feelings. Don't throw away a good thing if you don't need to.

But don't be afraid to throw away a not-so-good thing.

[11011001]

deleted

[:XI:]

Originally posted by thunderous_funker:
From reading these reactionary responses I'm guessing that many posters are either very young, very inexperienced with long term relationships, or have expressed their prudish and reactionary opinions often enough that their partners wouldn't tell them truth about an idescretion if it came right down to it.

Not all cheating is the same. Period.

The problem you're having isn't a question of morals or even ethics. Its a question of practicle necessity.

You either need to change the fact that you live far apart, change the rules of the game for the time that you're apart or simply call it off until circumstances are more favorable for monogamy.

I'm guessing that after a year together you've got something that is certainly worth take some time to think about before simply throwing it away over this.

{edit: READ MY SIG! }

[Rain]

Originally posted by 11011001:
Obviously he lacks any sort of ethics or morality. Such people, no matter who they are, are utterly despicable.

Not just he. SHE's just as despicable as him.

Why would you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone as vile as that?

Don't waste your time and energy with her. Go find a better girl!

[ghost_flash]

and embrace the pain.

Married men unite! Oh god how the pain just forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

and ever.

Date her, then dump her, then date some other bimbo. Live, love, and enjoy life!

[Stradlater]

Originally posted by thunderous_funker:
From reading these reactionary responses I'm guessing that many posters are either very young, very inexperienced with long term relationships, or have expressed their prudish and reactionary opinions often enough that their partners wouldn't tell them truth about an idescretion if it came right down to it.

Not all cheating is the same. Period.

The problem you're having isn't a question of morals or even ethics. Its a question of practical necessity.

You either need to change the fact that you live far apart, change the rules of the game for the time that you're apart or simply call it off until circumstances are more favorable for monogamy.

I'm guessing that after a year together you've got something that is certainly worth taking some time to think about before simply throwing it away over this.

P.S. In college I found out my fiancee was sleeping with my best friend. How did I find out? He told me cuz he couldn't live with himself. He is still my best friend. She and I never spoke again.

People make mistakes. By now you probably know her well enough to decide whether she's someone who would intentionally hurt you or be careless with your feelings. Don't throw away a good thing if you don't need to.

But don't be afraid to throw away a not-so-good thing.

I disagree. One year is hardly the foundation of a relationship. If she's cheating, and isn't addicted to sex, then she's probably not mature enough to be in a long-distance relationship. Stop dating her if you can't be in the same place at this time, and if you absolutely must, see about dating her again later once you can be together and once she's matured.

[dtriska]

If it was a kiss, then you should forgive.

It wasn't, so you shouldn't.

There's lots of psycho-babble one could post about this, but I'll keep it short...

Originally posted by Sherwin:
Dump. Forget.

[brapper]

yes.

[Bluebomber21XX]

Originally posted by hayesk:
You should pretend to forgive her and then sleep with her sister or her best friend. If you succeed, then dump her. If there's no chance of that happening, dump her and don't look back.

I like this one.

Okay several things.

1) It's long distance. Not her fault (or maybe it is, but..). Strike one.

2) She lied to you about sleeping with the guy at first. She came clean, but she did lie to you after you forgave her. Strike two.

3) She slept with someone else. Strike three.

You said it yourself, you can still forgive her and dump her. And to make Strike four, she wanted to break up with you first. If she came to you with this, do her a favor and give her what she wanted.

I am only trying to be real. I wasted 2 years trying to get with a beyotch that was playing me. DON'T GO BACK. Find someone local, and move on!

Trust me, you will thank yourself later.

PS: Oh, and if she comes back, sleep with her and never speak to her again. You know, for old times sake

[11011001]

deleted

[Superchicken]

Originally posted by 11011001:
Hmm, I think I am most disappointed in her lack of will power. I thought she was a strong person, not easily susceptible to other peoples will.. or even to her own urges.. but well, she isn't the person I thought she was. I am feeling very disillusioned at the moment.

You've answered your own question. What you need to do now is not necessarily what everyone else is suggesting but perhaps what your heart needs. I suggest taking some time off of any relationship.

You said you thought she was stronger than she is, thus you've said in other words, "I thought she was someone she isn't." It seems you have a high value on trust, which is a very good quality to have, your girl friend now is not trustworthy, I'm not suggesting not forgiving her, but forgiveness does not inherently mean you have to trust them again. In fact generally the opposite.

I suggest taking some time off to work on yourself, and find out what you really desire in a woman. And then not settle for anyone who is not that type of person. Look at the girls you have liked in the past, and the friends you get along with best. You're going to be investing alot of your heart in someone you date, you might as well make it so that you at least have a chance of not having to go through heart break again.

But yes break up with her, not because she cheated, but because she is not who you thought she was. And you need to figure out who you need.

[Rain]

Originally posted by ghost_flash:
Date her, then dump her, then date some other bimbo. Live, love, and enjoy life!

Why another "bimbo"? Wouldn't it be better to find someone intelligent and have the same values/ethics/morals (ie. you don't cheat on your SO) as him?

[Stradlater]

Yes, after you told us that she's still hanging out with this person, then yes, it's unacceptable. You can rationalize it anyway you want to, but the fact she didn't tell you right away is bad, not good. I don't care if she was avoiding an immediate break-up, lying in any relationship is

[Kilbey]

Originally posted by Captain Obvious:
Pff, yeah that's how you should make up your mind

SNIP

Are you being critical of my religious beliefs?

How intolerant of you.

I guess you seem to have missed the obvious.

[OldManMac]

You can rationalize this any way you want, but she slept with him; that means she can't be trusted, and she didn't feel the same level of committment that you did. Dump her. There are other fish in the sea, and you will feel pain for a while, but you need to move on.

[york28]

I have been there. It has now been a year since it all went down for me (almost exact same situation), and while I have "forgiven" her, I have realized that there is no way I can trust her again any time soon.

You need time away to think for yourself. Together for a year before she moved away? So in about two you can think about talking to her again. Seriously, it takes a long time.

Yes, people make mistakes. But you know this person pretty well, and you already know what you have to do. Those voices in your head that say "maybe it'll be ok" and "it could still work out"- ignore them. Listen only to the one deep down, the one that most likely has bad news.

I wish you the best. For me the worst possible thing in the world is finding out that someone that meant so much to you didn't feel the same way in return. The sooner you put it behind you the sooner it will get better.

[11011001]

deleted

[Apple Pro Underwear]

You're young.

Lesson learned, pain experienced, life enriched, move on.

[crazyjohnson]

Exactly. You are YOUNG! I dont doubt that she could be "special", but seriously, I am sure there are a lot of other great people out there. Is she THAT special to go through one of these college long distance things? I doubt it. You might think she might be, but I doubt that you have been out there for long enough . I am sure you can find someone better - it just might not be the easiest thing. But then again a long distance thing with the girl sleeping with 27 year olds is not easy either , so no big deal.

Originally posted by Apple Pro Underwear:
Lesson learned, pain experienced, life enriched, move on.

[Apple Pro Underwear]

Originally posted by crazyjohnson:
Exactly. You are YOUNG! I dont doubt that she could be "special", but seriously, I am sure there are a lot of other great people out there.

word

is there anything crazyjohnson can say that is wrong?

[crazyjohnson]

Wait . . . what? Is there deeper meaning to that, or am I reading into things.

Originally posted by Apple Pro Underwear:
is there anything crazyjohnson can say that is wrong?

[leffo]

Can't you just, like, send your eternal love into the future?

[Face Ache]

Originally posted by york28:
Yes, people make mistakes.

No they don't. They know damned well what they're doing. They just regret the consequences.

And alcohol provides people with an excuse to behave badly.

In any case it's well documented that women are mentally unstable until around the age of twenty six. Don't get sucked into their dramas.

[Stogieman]

Is she hot? I can't vote without seeing a picture of her.