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macvillage.net · Mar 20, 2003, 06:03 PM

I think we should all take a little time to learn some facts about a country that likes all dictators with funny facial hair and poison gas...

FOR SALE:
> Authentic French army rifles. Never fired, dropped
> once.
>
> Question: Why are the streets of Paris lined with
> trees?
> Answer: So the Germans could march in the shade.
>
> Question: How many gears does a French tank have?
> Answer: Five. Four reverse, and one forward, in case
> the enemy attacks
> from behind.
>
> Question: Why do we need the French against Iraq?
> Answer: To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
>
> Question: What's the difference between a Frenchman
> and an onion?
> Answer: Nobody cries when you cut up a Frenchman
>
> Question: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with
> their hands up?
> Answer: The Army.
>
> Question: Why did they make the folks at EuroDisney
> outside of Paris
> stop shooting off the nightly fireworks
> display?
> Answer: Because every night, hundreds of French
> would come up to the
> gates and surrender.
>
> Question: How many French troops does it take to
> defend Paris?
> Answer: No one knows. It's never been tried.
>
>
>
> "I would rather have a German division in front of
> me than a French
> one behind me." -- General George S. Patton
>
> "Going to war without France is like going deer
> hunting without your
> accordion." -- General Norman Schwartzkopf
>
> "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.
> Apart from these drawbacks
> it is a fine country. France has usually been
> governed by prostitutes." --
> Mark Twain
>
> "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
> -- French
> President Jacques Chirac.
> "As far as France is concerned, you're right." --
> Rush Limbaugh
>
> "The only time France wants us to go to war is when
> the German Army is
> sitting in Paris sipping coffee." -- Regis Philbin
>
> "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an
> aging actress of
> the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her
> looks but doesn't
> have the face for it." -- Senator John McCain
>
> "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it
> came marching
> into Paris under a German flag." -- David Letterman
>
> "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam
> Hussein? Because he hates
> America, he loves mistresses, and wears a beret. He
> _is_ French, people." --
> Conan O'Brien
>
> "I don't know why people are surprised that France
> won't help us get Saddam
> out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get
> the
> Germans out of _France_!" -- Jay Leno
>
> Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to
> keep France.
>
> An old saying "Raise your right hand if you like the
> French... Raise both
> hands if you _are_ French."

Mastrap · Mar 20, 2003, 06:05 PM

Enough already. Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle.

macvillage.net · Mar 20, 2003, 06:10 PM

Originally posted by Mastrap:
Enough already. Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle.

^ The entire french military is listed above.

wdlove · Mar 20, 2003, 06:12 PM

Question: How many French does it take to defend Paris? Answer: Don't know because it hasn't been tried yet.

Mastrap · Mar 20, 2003, 06:13 PM

Originally posted by macvillage.net:
^ The entire french military is listed above.

If you're trying to be funny, you're failing miserably. This sort of xenophobic rubbish has been re-hashed to death during the last couple of weeks.

The French military, fyi, were one of the few who took their duty in Kosowo seriously. Read a recent history book before posting such tripe.

Lerkfish · Mar 20, 2003, 06:14 PM

Originally posted by Mastrap:
Enough already. Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle.

Agreed....well, except for the "Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle" part.

Mastrap · Mar 20, 2003, 06:15 PM

Originally posted by Lerkfish:
Agreed....well, except for the "Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle" part.

Yeah, right. No offence intended, sorry.

Lerkfish · Mar 20, 2003, 06:19 PM

Originally posted by Mastrap:
Yeah, right. No offence intended, sorry.

dont' worry, none taken, hence the grinning smiley.
I'm reasonably sure he didn't ride a bicycle though...so its anachronistic.

davesimondotcom · Mar 20, 2003, 06:29 PM

Originally posted by Mastrap:
If you're trying to be funny, you're failing miserably. This sort of xenophobic rubbish has been re-hashed to death during the last couple of weeks.

Oh, come on, people are having some fun at the french expense.

Do you get upset and call European people xenophobic when they protest Americans?

Besides, it's hare do be xenophobic (fear of foreigners) if those foreigners are French... how can you fear the French?

IT'S A JOKE!!!!!!!!

undotwa · Mar 20, 2003, 07:09 PM

To a frenchman those jokes are very offensive. You are treading on dangerous turf there.

davesimondotcom · Mar 20, 2003, 07:13 PM

Originally posted by undotwa:
To a frenchman those jokes are very offensive. You are treading on dangerous turf there.

To me, the French President's behavior has been very offensive. I don't go around worrying if I'm offending the French.

Besides, what are they going to do, send inspectors to my house?

wataru · Mar 20, 2003, 07:19 PM

Originally posted by davesimondotcom:
Oh, come on, people are having some fun at the french expense.

Uh, no they're not. It's going much further than that these days, and frankly it's disgusting.

PSA: Everyone calm down. There is no reason to rename everything "French" to "freedom."

davesimondotcom · Mar 20, 2003, 07:35 PM

Originally posted by wataru:
Uh, no they're not. It's going much further than that these days, and frankly it's disgusting.

PSA: Everyone calm down. There is no reason to rename everything "French" to "freedom."

That is people expressing their freedom. If you don't agree, fine. Just like I don't agree with anti-war protesters. Big deal.

Boycotting and protesting are staples of the left. But as soon as someone they disagree with starts doing it to them, it's discusting, vile, horrible stuff!

clod · Mar 20, 2003, 07:42 PM

Originally posted by davesimondotcom:
That is people expressing their freedom. If you don't agree, fine. Just like I don't agree with anti-war protesters. Big deal.

Boycotting and protesting are staples of the left. But as soon as someone they disagree with starts doing it to them, it's discusting, vile, horrible stuff!

They demand respect, but don't return it. Quite hypocritical really.

theolein · Mar 20, 2003, 07:52 PM

If I were to post some funny jokes, such as the following would you feel good about it?

"I want Europe out of Nato."

"I want the American military out of Europe."

"I want the American military to pay for it's own wars."

"I want a UN resolution condemning the USA for it's genocidal unilateral war on Iraq."

"I want Americans to be able to read and write, and above all, spell"

"I want Americans to be able to find Canada on an Atlas"

"I want G W Bush to be tried as war criminal"

You might do as if, of course, no one could ever do this to the US and who cares about your opinion anyway, but I would wager that many here would find a thread based on inflamatory jokes like this offensive...

but hey, who cares. It's only a joke, right?

tintub · Mar 20, 2003, 07:58 PM

Nice to see racism is back in vogue.

deedar · Mar 20, 2003, 08:00 PM

Originally posted by theolein:
If I were to post some funny jokes, such as the following would you feel good about it?

"I want Europe out of Nato."

"I want the American military out of Europe."

"I want the American military to pay for it's own wars."

"I want a UN resolution condemning the USA for it's genocidal unilateral war on Iraq."

"I want Americans to be able to read and write, and above all, spell"

"I want Americans to be able to find Canada on an Atlas"

"I want G W Bush to be tried as war criminal"

You might do as if, of course, no one could ever do this to the US and who cares about your opinion anyway, but I would wager that many here would find a thread based on inflamatory jokes like this offensive...

but hey, who cares. It's only a joke, right?

Not offensive at all. I want all those things too. NO joke.

talisker · Mar 20, 2003, 08:01 PM

Originally posted by wdlove:
Question: How many French does it take to defend Paris? Answer: Don't know because it hasn't been tried yet.

Question: How many Americans does it take to defend Pearl Harbor?
Answer: Don't know because it hasnt been tried yet.

Question: How many years before it's acceptable to make jokes about war or other disasters?
Answer: Almost straight away unless Americans were involved in which case it is always wrong.

macvillage.net · Mar 20, 2003, 08:15 PM

Originally posted by theolein:
If I were to post some funny jokes, such as the following would you feel good about it?

"I want Europe out of Nato."

"I want the American military out of Europe."

"I want the American military to pay for it's own wars."

"I want a UN resolution condemning the USA for it's genocidal unilateral war on Iraq."

"I want Americans to be able to read and write, and above all, spell"

"I want Americans to be able to find Canada on an Atlas"

"I want G W Bush to be tried as war criminal"

You might do as if, of course, no one could ever do this to the US and who cares about your opinion anyway, but I would wager that many here would find a thread based on inflamatory jokes like this offensive...

but hey, who cares. It's only a joke, right?

yes I would feel good about it!

Montezuma58 · Mar 20, 2003, 08:28 PM

Originally posted by talisker:
Question: How many Americans does it take to defend Pearl Harbor?
Answer: Don't know because it hasnt been tried yet.

Please tell me who at Pearl Harbor started dropping their weapons at the first sign of danger. There were many who fougt during that battle. It may have been a success from the Japanese perspective but that does not mean the sailors there were unwilling to defend Pearl Harbor.

Also the French are redesigning their flag. It will be a white cross on a white background.

Lerkfish · Mar 20, 2003, 08:40 PM

Originally posted by davesimondotcom:
To me, the French President's behavior has been very offensive. I don't go around worrying if I'm offending the French.

Besides, what are they going to do, send inspectors to my house?

The tone and content of this subsequent post shows that the original post was NOT meant in a humorous, but rather a derogatory vein.

I think if you were making good-natured jokes, our french members would probably laugh with you, as they have a good sense of humor. However, those were not good-natured jokes, and they are borne out of frustration and anger on your part for the actions of Chirac....which this post illustrates.

thunderous_funker · Mar 20, 2003, 08:53 PM

Originally posted by Montezuma58:
Please tell me who at Pearl Harbor started dropping their weapons at the first sign of danger. There were many who fougt during that battle. It may have been a success from the Japanese perspective but that does not mean the sailors there were unwilling to defend Pearl Harbor.

Also the French are redesigning their flag. It will be a white cross on a white background.

Thanks for confirming the double standard.

I'm sure plenty of Americans shyt their pants, dropped to their knees, cried like babies, and squealed like stuck little piggies when the bombs started falling.

Just like lots of French men and women fought and died opposing the Nazi occupation. Not to mention that the French were winning wars long before America was even on a map.

After months and months of this, It's clear that the insulting jokes about the French have gone well beyond the point of playfulness.

At this point, they should feel entitled to answer fire with fire. If they want to start joking about American teenagers rotting in the jungles of Vietnam or spontaneously bursting into flames at the WTC, everyone should just sit back and chuckle since it's "only in jest" after all.

rambo47 · Mar 20, 2003, 09:11 PM

Yikes, the FoSM (Friends of Surrender Monkeys) here are a bit touchy!

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He holds it up and the rest of Europe revolves around him.

Developer · Mar 20, 2003, 09:17 PM

Originally posted by rambo47:
How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He holds it up and the rest of Europe revolves around him.

voodoo · Mar 20, 2003, 09:20 PM

Originally posted by rambo47:

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He holds it up and the rest of Europe revolves around him.

lol, that was pretty good. hadn't heard it before.

thunderous_funker · Mar 20, 2003, 09:20 PM

Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair?
A: An import.

simonjames · Mar 20, 2003, 09:49 PM

Umm - I think you have misspelt your name. You've written macvillage.net but after this topic it should be macvillage.idiot

sorry - I have had enough of this French bashing. My grandmother is French and I have been to France over a dozen times (so I feel an affinity with the place) - you bash us - we'll bash back.

Lerkfish · Mar 20, 2003, 10:01 PM

Originally posted by simonjames:
sorry - I have had enough of this French bashing. My grandmother is French and I have been to France over a dozen times (so I feel an affinity with the place) - you bash us - we'll bash back.

yes, lets get back to US bashing. That's more acceptable, for some reason.

simonjames · Mar 20, 2003, 11:28 PM

Hey - its not my country leading an illegal attack on Iraq.

Yes - Australia is there but against the majority of Australians wishes.

Hugi · Mar 20, 2003, 11:41 PM

People:

Criticizing certain aspects of a country's foreign policy is not the same as attacking an entire nation with empty generalizations.

Most nations can be laughed at in some respects - especially the Canadians - but this France-thingy is getting ridiculous and it seems no longer to be 'in good fun'.

Why - can't we just all get along?[/jack_nicholson]

Spliffdaddy · 03:00 AM

puhleeze.

You're a good one to talk about attacking nations with empty generalizations.

We're having a great time making fun of France - and no it isn't getting tiresome.

white cross on a white background...that's hilarious

Hugi · Mar 21, 2003, 12:35 AM

Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
You're a good one to talk about attacking nations with empty generalizations.

Why?
But anyway, thank you, I'ts just what I thought myself

clod · Mar 21, 2003, 12:41 AM

Originally posted by simonjames:
I have had enough of this French bashing. My grandmother is French and I have been to France over a dozen times (so I feel an affinity with the place) - you bash us - we'll bash back.

Those who are easily offended should be. The French government deserves it for all of their stupid anti-Americanism.

I'm French and I am not offended by the French bashing at all. I hate the French government because of their complete stupidity. I'm glad my ancestors left in the 1600s.

benb · Mar 21, 2003, 01:07 AM

Originally posted by thunderous_funker:
Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair?
A: An import.

I don't get it.

benb · Mar 21, 2003, 01:09 AM

Originally posted by theolein:
If I were to post some funny jokes, such as the following would you feel good about it?

"I want Europe out of Nato."

"I want the American military out of Europe."

"I want the American military to pay for it's own wars."

"I want a UN resolution condemning the USA for it's genocidal unilateral war on Iraq."

"I want Americans to be able to read and write, and above all, spell"

"I want Americans to be able to find Canada on an Atlas"

"I want G W Bush to be tried as war criminal"

You might do as if, of course, no one could ever do this to the US and who cares about your opinion anyway, but I would wager that many here would find a thread based on inflamatory jokes like this offensive...

but hey, who cares. It's only a joke, right?

HAHA! I get jokes!

Were these supposed to be funny? I'll laugh at pretty much anything, but they were too serious to be jokes.

simonjames · Mar 21, 2003, 01:16 AM

clod you don't get the point - there are no French people here making degrading posts about America or American citizens. And yet there have been at least 6 threads bashing the French and they are bashing the French - not the French government or a certain minister in the government but the French people and their history.

Your opinion that the French government is anti-American is baseless - you have no facts to back you up because there aren't any. The French government were pursuing a non-violent means to Iraq's disarmament - that is all. Nothing anti-American about that.

Maybe Canada would be better off as part of the USA?.....

rjenkinson · Mar 21, 2003, 01:29 AM

Originally posted by theolein:
If I were to post some funny jokes, such as the following would you feel good about it?

"I want Americans to be able to find Canada on an Atlas"

heck, i'd be happy enough if they could find canada in an atlas.

-r.

benb · Mar 21, 2003, 01:32 AM

Oh, and this reminds me:

Its a good thing the French arn't fighting this time, because when they helped fight in the first Gulf War, the Mexicans didn't know what to do with them!

Mastrap · Mar 21, 2003, 01:55 AM

Originally posted by clod:
I'm glad my ancestors left in the 1600s.

In which case you're Canadian, not French. Sheeesh.

tintub · Mar 21, 2003, 01:57 AM

Originally posted by clod:
Those who are easily offended should be. The French government deserves it for all of their stupid anti-Americanism.

I'm French and I am not offended by the French bashing at all. I hate the French government because of their complete stupidity. I'm glad my ancestors left in the 1600s.

So you don't mind the fact that if you go to America right now all you are going to get is a barrage of abuse (if this board is anything to go by).

pooka · Mar 21, 2003, 02:03 AM

Originally posted by tintub:
So you don't mind the fact that if you go to America right now all you are going to get is a barrage of abuse (if this board is anything to go by).

Damn right. Me and meh bros kicked the **** out of 5 frenchies yesterday mornin'. They've been hiding down of the college campus (of course) trying to keep a low profile. BUt they're soooo damn easy to spot. We just watch to see who sits to pee in the men's bathroom. Then we burned all the French cars in the parking lot.

benb · Mar 21, 2003, 02:05 AM

Everybody needs to lighten up, really. How many jokes are there that don't single out a specific group of people? Or a single person? That's the nature of jokes. So there is an abundance of French jokes right now. The blonde population is breathing a sigh of relief. Along with Catholics, Jews, Midgets, Polish, and the rest. Man. Its not like Americans don't make fun of themselves either. Have you ever watched say, Mad TV or South Park?

Man, some people have to take everything so seriously, and get offended at everything.

benb · Mar 21, 2003, 02:07 AM

Originally posted by pooka:
Damn right. Me and meh bros kicked the **** out of 5 frenchies yesterday mornin'. They've been hiding down of the college campus (of course) trying to keep a low profile. BUt they're soooo damn easy to spot. We just watch to see who sits to pee in the men's bathroom. Then we burned all the French cars in the parking lot.

The fact that they were carrying picnic baskets filled with Brie and wine didn't give it away?

Ver de Terre · Mar 21, 2003, 02:16 AM

Originally posted by benb:
Everybody needs to lighten up, really. How many jokes are there that don't single out a specific group of people? Or a single person? That's the nature of jokes. So there is an abundance of French jokes right now. The blonde population is breathing a sigh of relief. Along with Catholics, Jews, Midgets, Polish, and the rest. Man. Its not like Americans don't make fun of themselves either. Have you ever watched say, Mad TV or South Park?

Man, some people have to take everything so seriously, and get offended at everything.

Most blonde jokes don't reflect an agenda of political maliciousness. Do you suppose the sudden overabundance of French jokes is just a coincidence?

benb · Mar 21, 2003, 02:26 AM

Originally posted by Ver de Terre:
Most blonde jokes don't reflect an agenda of political maliciousness. Do you suppose the sudden overabundance of French jokes is just a coincidence?

No, but were all the jokes about the Florida recount malicious? They were political. What about all the Bush jokes? Or the racial jokes on TV? You seem to be missing my point. These are, for the most part, jokes. The Frencd are on the recieving end right now. In a while it will be another group. After thah it will be a different group. Such is the natur of jokes. You cannot complain unless you complain at every joke, lest you be a hypocrite.

Sorry about the typing sxillz, i took my contacts out.

Atomic Rooster · Mar 21, 2003, 02:36 AM

hmmm? jest wunderin...what foreign country came to the colonies aid to save them from further english tyranny and a humiliating defeat?

Ver de Terre · Mar 21, 2003, 02:40 AM

Originally posted by benb:
No, but were all the jokes about the Florida recount malicious? They were political. What about all the Bush jokes? Or the racial jokes on TV? You seem to be missing my point. These are, for the most part, jokes. The Frencd are on the recieving end right now. In a while it will be another group. After thah it will be a different group. Such is the natur of jokes. You cannot complain unless you complain at every joke, lest you be a hypocrite.

First, I don't mind being a hypocrite, so no fear there.

Second, I personally find many of the jokes funny, so don't stop on my account.

Third, I don't miss such points.

I would say though, that there is a difference between political jokes and jokes designed to advance a political agenda, which in this case is for some an attempt to denigrate the French as a people. Heck, they deserve it, but if you haven't noticed the rancorous fervor of many Francophobes, I don't know what to say. Which is not to say that anyone who cracks one of these jokes is guilty of this extremism (and I've made more jokes about the Frogs than I care to count), but it certainly encourages those who have no comic intent. I would not suggest the jokes be dropped because some can't handle their emotions, but it might be wise to be aware that some of the people you believe you are laughing with are actually just raging.

BlackGriffen · Mar 21, 2003, 02:52 AM

I don't know if it's organized enough to be called an agenda, though it's definitely less than kosher.

A plane full of UN delegates was flying over the Alps. The pilot came over the intercom, and explained, "Uh, sorry, folks, but we've lost an engine and we're losing altitude. We need to lighten the load. Dump the luggage." The passengers dumped the luggage, but the plane kept losing altitude. So the captain said again, "We're still losing altitude. unbolt the seats and throw them out." The delegates worked together, and quickly dumped all the seats, but the plane was still going down. The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Things are looking bleak, folks, we need to find a way to lose more weight!" So, the British delegate went to the door, shouted, "God save the queen!" and leapt from the plane. The French delegate went to the door, and shouted, "Vive la France," and leapt from the plane. The American delegate then went to the door, and shouted, "Remember the Alamo!" and threw out the Mexican.

Three men died at the same time, and went to Hell. It just so happens that one was American, one was Russian, and one Polish. Satan informed them, "Sorry, but there was a bit of a mixup, you three should have gone to heaven. I'm not one to give up a soul easily, though, so I'll let you go on one condition. Follow me." Satan then led them to the Garden of Eden, explaining, "Here's the deal. If you can get 100 of any one fruit in your mouth in one try, I'll let you go to heaven." The American figured he'd go for something pretty small: blueberries. He managed to stuff 53 in to his mouth, but he wasn't able to breath any more, and he had to spit them out. The Russian was particularly clever, and went for the raspberries. He was about to easily pop the last one in to his mouth, when he burst out laughing, damning himself to Hell. The American asked, "What the Hell were you thinking? You were about to get a ticket out of here!" The Russian said, "I couldn't help it! I saw the Pole go for the watermelons!"

And finally, a coup de grace, a couple of Excerpts from "A Modest Proposal" by Johnathan Swift:

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge.

BlackGriffen

Ver de Terre · Mar 21, 2003, 03:17 AM

Nice ones, BG

No, I don't mean to suggest there's a coordinated campaign or anything. But I wouldn't be surprised if someone started a PAC for the issue soon enough.

Speckledstone · Mar 21, 2003, 03:59 AM

Originally posted by BlackGriffen:
"...Three men died at the same time, and went to Hell..."

I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read that one, otherwise I'd be -1 keyboard.