Welcome to the MacNN Forums.

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

You are here: MacNN Forums > Community > MacNN Lounge > Girlfriend of 4 years suddenly wants a break.

Girlfriend of 4 years suddenly wants a break.
Thread Tools
sek929
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Cape Cod, MA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 07:15 PM
 
Yes this is my first real relationship so I am up sh!t creek with paddles made of concrete right now.

Here's the gist. We get along great, never fight, love the same music and movies etc etc. Perfect couple in the eyes of any of our friends. We are stable, she doesn't have any drama, it's been a wonderful 4 years.

Lately, for the last month or so, she has been kind of distant...not her old self and all that. Then yesterday she comes over, crying, and says that she thinks we need a break. Me being confused, yet always supportive, agreed with her and told her whatever she needs I'll do, we said we loved eachother and she went home.

She calls me this morning, crying, saying she feels terrible that she didn't let me know more clearly why she felt this way. She says she has been really depressed and stressed out from work and school and she just needs some time to herself. being the agreeable boyfriend I told her that anything she needed I was supportive of.

So I am sitting here, with a huge knot in my chest, absolutely dumbfounded by this decision. My mind keeps racing around, what if she cheated on me and can't bring herself to tell me, or what if she really just wants to break up with me? I have absolute trust in this girl, but I am kinda f**ked in the head right now.

Any advice, similar stories? I am going a mile a minute here and just had to get this off my chest, of course tonight has to be the night none of my guys friends are around.
     
The Final Dakar
Games Meister
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eternity
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 07:21 PM
 
No advice or thoughts at the moment, other than your initial reactions would be my own too.
     
Sealobo
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: The Intertube
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 07:25 PM
 
every case is unique. i wish you good luck.

but, she's crying doesn't mean she ain't cheating. that's a fact.
     
voodoo
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Salamanca, España
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 07:55 PM
 
I hope you find your way back to her, if that is what you want. I wish you the best of luck.
I could take Sean Connery in a fight... I could definitely take him.
     
Uncle Skeleton
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Rockville, MD
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 07:57 PM
 
Tell her you're pregnant
     
Andy8
Mac Elite
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hong Kong
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 08:06 PM
 
Originally Posted by Sealobo View Post
but, she's crying doesn't mean she ain't cheating. that's a fact.
Exactly.
     
DrTacoMD
Forum Regular
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Seattle
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 08:12 PM
 
Geez, that's shitty. I've been in a similar (more or less) situation once before, and I know exactly how you feel. Considering how poorly I handled it at the time (young, stupid, blah blah blah), I don't really have any advice for you. But maybe I'll get around to posting the full story later tonight. In the meantime, hang in there bro.
Trust me. I'm a Taco.
     
boy8cookie
Mac Elite
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: I'll let you know when I get there...
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 08:42 PM
 
not the one to ask. Sorry to hear it though.
     
Big Mac
Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 08:55 PM
 
Are you by chance anti-marriage and anti-kids, sek? Maybe she now wants those things and can't bring herself to tell you.

"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground." TJ
     
residentEvil
Professional Poster
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Detroit
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 08:56 PM
 
on a break eh? get some strange then. she is. [/being an ass]

i go nothing really and i've been on both sides of this one. in both cases; the breaks where final so it was an "end" not a "break".
     
SpaceMonkey
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Washington, DC
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 09:05 PM
 
Originally Posted by Uncle Skeleton View Post
Tell her you're pregnant
Damn it, that's my line!

"One ticket to Washington, please. I have a date with destiny."
     
residentEvil
Professional Poster
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Detroit
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 09:06 PM
 
Originally Posted by SpaceMonkey View Post
Damn it, that's my line!
you're always pregnant! hahaha
     
Kevin Bogues
Senior User
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 09:30 PM
 
sorry bro, definitely sucks.
I agree with all your initial reaction and you can't but help think there is something more than the "break" but that doesn't mean there is.

You kinda know some of the story but since i got home from PSU i've been living with the girlfriend (of 3 years) and things are not so good, or anywhere near as good as they were. I know how your feelings and its never a good time. I'd say were on the "breaking" point and its absolutely terrible.

My only advice is handing her some of the space she wants, at least for a short time (its not easy), let her gather her thoughts and try to figure out whats going on in her head.
     
Ghoser777
Professional Poster
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 09:44 PM
 
See, I almost disagree with this whole space thing. At least in my limited experience, she's trying to ease out of the relationship instead of making one, clean break. If there's a problem between you two and you really are meant to be, then she should be able to confide in you exactly what she is feeling.
     
analogue SPRINKLES
Professional Poster
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: T •
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 09:49 PM
 
Sounds like she either likes some other guy or has already cheated. Just end it and move on.
     
shiff
Forum Regular
Join Date: Nov 2001
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 09:55 PM
 
I think you should ask her flat out what is going on. You do not spend 4 years with someone and then all of a sudden need a break unless something else happened. Not saying she cheated but something or someone brought this on.
     
imitchellg5
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Washington + Colorado
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 10:01 PM
 
I agree with shiff. I'm not one who immediately looks at the worst possible case, but I can't imagine after four years that she suddenly wants to drop it like it's hot without something like an affair going on outside of the relationship.
     
The Godfather
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Tampa, Florida
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 10:13 PM
 
Ask her if she wants a celibate break, or an open break. There should be no misunderstanding about this.
     
Kerrigan
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Apr 2005
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 11:00 PM
 
Like analogue said, just end it.

I've been in quite a few relationships, and this has happened to me twice. Both times, they came crawling back within a matter of weeks, and each time I took pleasure in rebuffing them. So it's not all that bad.
     
sek929  (op)
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Cape Cod, MA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 11:19 PM
 
Well sh!t, that doesn't sound very optimistic so far...

I'd expect her to leave me for a myriad of other reasons waaaaaay before ever cheating on me, it's just about the last thing I can imagine her doing.

Fun times
     
hyteckit
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: May 2001
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 11:20 PM
 
She's either cheating on you or she is bored with you.

She wants a bad boy or an upgrade.

She is bored with her iPhone 3G.

She wants the new and better one.
Bush Tax Cuts == Job Killer
June 2001: 132,047,000 employed
June 2003: 129,839,000 employed
2.21 million jobs were LOST after 2 years of Bush Tax Cuts.
     
MrsLarry
Senior User
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Naugatuck, CT
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 20, 2010, 11:27 PM
 
Believe it or not, I think people in relationships who "never fight" just aren't right for each other.

Apathy should never apply to your relationship. Obviously, I don't know the details of your scenario, but I know people who say this, and it always just seems weird to me. I feel like passion sometimes results in disagreements, and what's the fun in a passionless relationship?

My husband and I fight on occasion. We fought a lot in the beginning, it taught us things about each other, and most importantly, taught us to fight fair. And not just fight with no resolution. Now (9 years later) if something comes up between us, we can discuss, and resolve pretty quickly.

Again, just my observation.
     
Doofy
Clinically Insane
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Vacation.
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 02:22 AM
 
Sek, sorry man. She was a cutie.

One of two things is happening here:

1) She's cheated on you.
2) She's getting broody and you're not advancing things fast enough.

Probably the latter.
Phone her in a couple of days and tell her you've had a think about it and you ain't up for a break - i.e. "she's either with you or you're gone".

If it's #1, you're SOL. If it's #2, she'll come back.
And if it is #2, it's prolly time to lay off the weed and games, look for an upwardly mobile employment situation, think about shacking up, etc..
Been inclined to wander... off the beaten track.
That's where there's thunder... and the wind shouts back.
     
exca1ibur
Mac Elite
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Oakland, CA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 02:30 AM
 
I'm with everyone else, sounds like she cheated and guilt is kicking in. "Space" is a politically correct way to break up. It's like getting laid off from a job is a polite way to say your fired. Bottom line you have no job, in this case no chick, however you spin it. Find another job (chick) and move on.
     
lpkmckenna
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Toronto
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 02:38 AM
 
Don't listen to anyone here, and don't jump to conclusions. If you want to continue with the relationship, tell her that.
     
Captain Obvious
Professional Poster
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Chicago
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 03:01 AM
 
First things first. How old is she?
This scenario is slightly different if it comes from a 20 y/o or a 30 y/o

Originally Posted by sek929 View Post
Then yesterday she comes over, crying, and says that she thinks we need a break. Me being confused, yet always supportive, agreed with her and told her whatever she needs I'll do, we said we loved each other and she went home.
In either case, the way you played that made you look like a chump

Barack Obama: Four more years of the Carter Presidency
     
OreoCookie
Moderator
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Hilbert space
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 06:28 AM
 
sek, I don't pretend to know the details, but if I were you, I'd suspect she has fallen in love with someone else. Forget about cheating (i. e. sex, kisses, etc.), that's not really the issue, whether or not something physical has happened at all is irrelevant. The key thing is whether she has developed feelings for someone else. If she has had sex with that person, the worst part (in my opinion) is the emotional significance of it, not the physical act. But even if nothing has happened, something has happened in her brain already.

I would probably wait a week or two weeks max and then ask her to meet and talk. If she evades or blocks, I would insist: you have the right to know what's going on. This break-up (which is temporary for now) has been initiated by her so she has to eventually explain the reasons why.

Being `nice' and let her spend more time by herself won't serve anyone if a reasonable amount of time has passed. Probably she already knows in her gut what she will do. Waiting will just prolong the agony of having a relationship that is in a state of flux somewhere between fixable and catastrophic failure. It'll take a toll on both of you. Plus, if there is someone else involved (at least emotionally), it will give you more of a fighting chance.

I've been in this situation already, so I know what it's like. And the thing I'd do differently today is to not wait as long as I did. My advice for the meantime (and you've already done some of it): go running/some other type of sports that gets you into a meditative state. Bury yourself in work. Talk to good friends about it.
Originally Posted by MrsLarry View Post
Believe it or not, I think people in relationships who "never fight" just aren't right for each other.
Exactly. If people tell me they never think, I immediately think `what's wrong?'
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
     
Paco500
Professional Poster
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Berkshire, UK
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 06:44 AM
 
I think you just got dumped and she was trying to be nice about it. The why is pretty irrelevant- she doesn't want to be with you any more. That may change in the future, but I certainly wouldn't count on it.
     
Oisín
Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Copenhagen
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 06:48 AM
 
Sorry to hear this, sek. I have to agree with Shiff—just saying she’s stressed out and depressed from work isn’t a reason to take time off from you. If anything, though it’s usually hard to see it at the time, that would be a time when she needs her boyfriend even more than normally. Being depressed and being on your own is a bad cocktail.

Unless you are the problem (and from what you write, that doesn’t seem to be the case), she’s going to need your help getting past this, and you can’t help her with that if you don’t know exactly what’s going on. You might not be able to help her very much even if you do know exactly what’s going on, but you’re in a much better position just to be supportive and make her feel like she’s got an ally, if it’s something that’s going ‘against’ her.

And if there is someone else … well, then you’ll need to know as well, of course, for better or for worse.




Originally Posted by OreoCookie View Post
Exactly. If people tell me they never think, I immediately think `what's wrong?'
I guess I’m less optimistic about the human race than you: I just generally assume that the majority of people never think.
     
Chongo
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 07:17 AM
 
Time to call Joey Greco.
45/47
     
mattyb
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Standing on the shoulders of giants
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 07:25 AM
 
This sort of thing has happened to me - twice. AFAIK neither of them cheated on me. I have a feeling that work + age + wondering if you're the guy that she should settle down with might be the real questions. Thats not meant as an insult by the way, its just the way things are.

Try and have a good talk, ask her to explain whats happening. Don't be pushy.

Hope it works out mate.

Matt
     
Doofy
Clinically Insane
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Vacation.
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 07:27 AM
 
All you guys saying he's been dumped - I reckon there's a chance you're wrong.
Four years. That's not dump territory - that's "put a ring on my finger or lose me, I ain't getting any younger and my hormones are screaming for babies" territory.
Been inclined to wander... off the beaten track.
That's where there's thunder... and the wind shouts back.
     
Lateralus
Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Arizona
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:11 AM
 
Originally Posted by Doofy View Post
All you guys saying he's been dumped - I reckon there's a chance you're wrong.
Four years. That's not dump territory - that's "put a ring on my finger or lose me, I ain't getting any younger and my hormones are screaming for babies" territory.
Agreed.
I like chicken
I like liver
Meow Mix, Meow Mix
Please de-liv-er
     
Kevin Bogues
Senior User
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:20 AM
 
Originally Posted by Doofy View Post
. That's not dump territory - that's "put a ring on my finger or lose me, I ain't getting any younger and my hormones are screaming for babies" territory.
I kinda agree with that, but i just wonder (without past experience) if saying she is stressed and needs a break is the way she should/would/did word that she wants the commitment from you.

having babies
Practice making babies
     
nonhuman
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Baltimore, MD
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:25 AM
 
It seems to be the minority opinion, but I'm with Doof on this. The first thing I thought when I read the subject, before even clicking on the link, was that after four years she's entered get married and/or pregnant or get out mode.
     
Big Mac
Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:34 AM
 
I was the first one to say it, for the record.

"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground." TJ
     
nonhuman
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Baltimore, MD
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:42 AM
 
Originally Posted by Big Mac View Post
I was the first one to say it, for the record.
So you were! Also for the record: I agree with Big Mac as well as Doofy!
     
Atheist
Mac Elite
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Back in the Good Ole US of A
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:49 AM
 
It could be that she's just bored in the relationship. It happens sometimes. Sure you may get along well but maybe she's coming to the conclusion that after four years you're not the one.
     
Hawkeye_a
Addicted to MacNN
Join Date: Apr 2000
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:51 AM
 
1. Drama is like a magic ingredient. Women tend to need it, men need to hate it.

2. She hasn't necessarily cheated on you.... she could have found someone else, and be choosing the other guy. (She could have cheated on you, dont assume one or the other). I saw it happen recently to a close friend.... she became 'distant' while 'shopping around'..keeping options open.

3. You constantly agreeing and being supportive could be part of the problem. (lack of drama , what-have-you)

4. I am not someone with reliable longterm relationship information.

5. 4 Years ? break out the champagne.... you're Freeee. Don't hit the sauce too hard tho
     
voodoo
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Salamanca, España
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:55 AM
 
Originally Posted by lpkmckenna View Post
Don't listen to anyone here
Well that goes without saying. Getting advice from the internet is slightly less reliable than getting drunk and try to make a sound decision.
I could take Sean Connery in a fight... I could definitely take him.
     
Paco500
Professional Poster
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Berkshire, UK
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 08:58 AM
 
Originally Posted by Paco500 View Post
I think you just got dumped and she was trying to be nice about it. The why is pretty irrelevant- she doesn't want to be with you any more. That may change in the future, but I certainly wouldn't count on it.
I'm not saying she isn't getting broody- as I said above- they why isn't important. The reality is, there is no such thing as "taking a break". It's just a lame attempt at putting a nice spin on a good old-fashoned dumping. Not trying to be harsh, just realistic.

If she dumped him because she's getting broody- it's either because she doesn't want to breed with him or he has made it clear it's not in his plans.

My point was he shouldn't sit around thinking this "break" will just come to an end and everything will go back to the way it was. She dumped him for a reason- if he finds out the reason and it's something he can or wants to live with maybe things can change and she will come back. But she doesn't want the status-quo so she ended it.
     
sek929  (op)
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Cape Cod, MA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 09:31 AM
 
Alot of good advice here, glad to know so many of you guys care.

She is 23, still has a year left in college. We have discussed kids and marriage, the talking point seeming to be that we are to young to marry and/or have kids, but I'm not opposed to either idea. She's also just recently gone off her birth control, like cold turkey, not sure if that could contribute.

So anyway I'm lying in my bed at 12:00 last night and I finally decide I've had enough guessing, so I gave her a call. Woke her up and told her that I cannot sleep and I need to know the real reason she decided to do this. I said the only reason I can come up with is that you've found another guy. She said "There is no other guy, Sean" I then said that the only other option I see is you are about to break up with me, she said "I promise you that is not going to happen, i still really love you and in fact this little fit I've had made me realize it even more."

I know that's all on her word, but I'll take her word over soooo many other people in my life, so for now, I believe her.

Her reason was that she saw our relationship going stale, which I completely understand, and that I tend to be a little lazy, also understand. She is going down to RI for a few days to hang with her girl friends and we are meeting up on Saturday for a dinner. So it won't even be a full week break, and I hope she has fun with her friends.

Bottom line is that I am annoying her in some way, or ways, and it came to a head with her. Of course I would rather a direct method of dealing with these things, but who's to say we won't be more passionate with eachother when this is over.

I was totally taking her for granted, I haven't felt a need to please my girl this much since the beginning of the relationship, I assume that was the desired result.

Of course it could all be BS, but the tone in her voice last night told me she was telling the truth....of course I'm not a member of the Soprano family so maybe subtlety isn't my forté.

Again, thanks for the thoughts, and if it turns our she cheated on me then, well, I might just turn green and rampage around the city.
     
sek929  (op)
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Cape Cod, MA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 09:40 AM
 
Originally Posted by Doofy View Post
Sek, sorry man. She was a cutie.

One of two things is happening here:

1) She's cheated on you.
2) She's getting broody and you're not advancing things fast enough.

Probably the latter.
Phone her in a couple of days and tell her you've had a think about it and you ain't up for a break - i.e. "she's either with you or you're gone".

If it's #1, you're SOL. If it's #2, she'll come back.
And if it is #2, it's prolly time to lay off the weed and games, look for an upwardly mobile employment situation, think about shacking up, etc..
All good advice Doofster, in fact, in the last 4 months she has increased in hotness 10-fold, which adds to my dismay.

I work really hard, but I'll admit i've been slacking when it comes to getting my own business up and running. I've already signed up for Construction Supervisor License training course, which is something I told her I would do, like, last year. It means more money and I will now have the ability to run jobs by myself.

I think we were seeing eachother way to frequently without anything to talk about, or without anything new in my life. She has a lazy carpenter stepdad that never made anything with his life, she might have seen parallels with me.

I might be a pussy here, but I don't care, I love this girl and I want her to be with me, end of story. If she needs a week to blow off steam and get drunk with her best friends then so be it.
     
Big Mac
Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 09:42 AM
 
It must be devastating that it came so unexpectedly out of left field for you. I feel for you, bro. Four years is a long time to be in a relationship only to see it unexpectedly end. But if it isn't meant to be, don't try too hard to push it. You don't want to force the relationship on her if it's truly over - you don't want her to harbor hostility toward you secretly for the two of you staying together. I'd say it's a good idea to leave her alone for a week or so, gather your thoughts and then meet with her to have a frank, no-nonsense conversation about the state of your relationship. Perhaps the two of you should take an hour to separately draw up a list of pros and cons of staying together. Figure out where she's at, whether your love for her is requited, and whether it makes rational sense to continue. Easier said than done in some respects, I know, but I think that's the healthy approach to it.

"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground." TJ
     
sek929  (op)
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Cape Cod, MA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 10:34 AM
 
Agreed, I'll take this week to dig into my work and get some chores done.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen regardless of me worrying about it....I do feel an evening of beers is in order one of these nights.
     
lexapro
Baninated
Join Date: Mar 2008
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 10:44 AM
 
4 years? Time to buy her a ring and propose. That will snap her out of this funk immediately.
     
OreoCookie
Moderator
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Hilbert space
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 10:51 AM
 
I'm glad to hear I was wrong.
I agree with BigMac that you should leave her alone until you meet again. Take the chance to reflect as well. Don't think that everything is your fault, though.

I hope you guys work it all out!
( Last edited by OreoCookie; Apr 21, 2010 at 11:59 AM. )
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
     
andi*pandi
Moderator
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: inside 128, north of 90
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 11:19 AM
 
Originally Posted by sek929 View Post
She's also just recently gone off her birth control, like cold turkey, not sure if that could contribute....she said "I promise you that is not going to happen, i still really love you and in fact this little fit I've had made me realize it even more."
Birth control can mess you up. Hormonal inbalance whatnot. I'm glad she realized she overreacted.

Sounds like instead of that ominous "break" word, what she needed was girlfriend vacation time. You can be together 4 years and still need alone time, friend time, etc. Then you come back and have a reunion.

Hope you and she work it out!
     
sek929  (op)
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Cape Cod, MA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 11:45 AM
 
I was looking forward to your take, andi, thanks.
     
finboy
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Garden of Paradise Motel, Suite 3D
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Apr 21, 2010, 01:20 PM
 
Originally Posted by Doofy View Post
And if it is #2, it's prolly time to lay off the weed and games, look for an upwardly mobile employment situation, think about shacking up, etc..
Yep, probably the latter. If it's #1 and it was a girl she cheated with, then either A) she needs to let you in on it, or 2) you can't really compete with that.

But if it's NESTING that's the deal, and maybe she's confronting the inevitable in a reluctant way too (we forget to consider that), then you gotta get serious. Ask her what you can do to help. If you really care about this person, you won't let her flounder around in pain like this, but you'll try to help her understand her feelings if you can.

I've seen these things go both ways -- she's got to "find herself" which means she's been watching too many movies on the Hallmark Channel. Or she's stagnant in her own life, and sees you as just one part of it.

If you guys truly never fight, like all the same things, etc. then she's liable to attach any self-hatred or doubt to you, b/c you're a reflection of her. Most folks don't really want someone to reflect them, they want someone to compliment them, and they want someone with their own goals, tastes, values, etc. She may have discovered that your similarity isn't the ideal she may have thought it was early on.

I have a suggestion: Work on a personal mission statement. Identify what you want to do with your life, what roles you play (son, boyfriend, employee) and how those are going to play out over time. Identify your own strengths and weaknesses. It will help you plan for the next stage of your life, to be sure. Regardless of what happens, you'll have this as an inventory.

Also, write down how you feel about her, your relationship, and how you see the future playing out. Write down everything you can think of, so you have it to look back on when things fade, if things fade. Even if you end up together, you'll want to have a record of all the strong emotions you have now, so you can remember to never get complacent, and so you can remember why your relationship worked as well as you think it did. Share it with her regardless of whether you think it will "bring her back." That's not the goal.

Also, these things give you something to do that help you have patience for her. If you don't feel that it's right to press her with an offer of help, then bury your head in this stuff for a few days. You'll be really glad you did.

Good luck. 9/10 that it isn't about you, but you never know. BE HER FRIEND NOW, more than anything else. No matter what happens you'll have THAT to help your heart.

EDIT: just saw your last big post. Sounds like she's coming to grips with everything. Don't leave this alone, it may be a test to see if you "really care" (conscious or unconscious on her part). Good luck.
     
 
Thread Tools
 
Forum Links
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Top
Privacy Policy
All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:16 PM.
All contents of these forums © 1995-2017 MacNN. All rights reserved.
Branding + Design: www.gesamtbild.com
vBulletin v.3.8.8 © 2000-2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.,