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I Love Good Bear Jokes.
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wolfen
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Feb 3, 2006, 11:59 AM
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7
foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as
he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw
that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was
pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to
take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.
I t was then that a bright light shone upon the man and
a voice came out of the sky saying:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light.

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to
treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and
the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and
spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and
for which I am truly thankful, Amen.
Do you want forgiveness or respect?
     
JohnM15141
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:02 PM
 
too contrived to be funny
----------------------------------------------------------
"He who is tired of Weird Al, is tired of life"
Homer J. Simpson, the 90's
----------------------------------------------------------
     
residentEvil
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:04 PM
 
just stick with punchlines...

Bear turns to the rabbit and askes, "Do you have trouble with s hit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit says "Nope."
     
wolfen  (op)
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:05 PM
 
Originally Posted by JohnM15141
too contrived to be funny
Says the guy whose nick is "John."
Do you want forgiveness or respect?
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:13 PM
 
Hmm, that joke SO deserves the timeline...
     
BlueSky
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:17 PM
 
**** you and your timeline.

Good joke, I lawled.
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:18 PM
 
Originally Posted by BlueSky
**** you and your timeline.
Are you telling me you haven't heard this joke before ?

And btw, resident is right: it takes far to long to get to the punchline...
     
wolfen  (op)
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:23 PM
 
20+ Pages (1000+ posts)of "Let's see how far we can push this thread!" -- and you think this joke takes too long to get to the punchline?

C'mon.
Do you want forgiveness or respect?
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:26 PM
 
This is still better than half the sh!t posted in these forums.
     
Stradlater
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:33 PM
 
Isn't humor a sin?
"You rise," he said, "like Aurora."
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:42 PM
 
Originally Posted by wolfen
20+ Pages (1000+ posts)of "Let's see how far we can push this thread!" -- and you think this joke takes too long to get to the punchline? C'mon.
Ok, point taken
     
aberdeenwriter
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:46 PM
 
It's really eye-opening to discern posters' reactions to various stimulii. I lawlled, too.

wolfen, it's okay. Don't concern yourself with the critics. Just those of us who enjoyed it.

Something else that gets me is that no one yet has volunteered a bear joke of their own. These are intraweb spectators rather than participants in life.

I'll contribute a joke before I leave here and tend to chores.


An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods,
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear,
and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
replied the doctor.
Consider these posts as my way of introducing you to yourself.

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BlueSky
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:53 PM
 
Originally Posted by what_the_heck
Are you telling me you haven't heard this joke before ?
Actually, what I'm telling you is **** you and your timeline. The fact that I haven't heard the joke is irrelevant.

I'm not the smartest whip in the bunch, but I'm smart enough to not insist that everyone come up to speed with what I personally know or what I've heard or what I like. Seems to me that would be the minimum requirement for living on the planet without creating a lot of unnecessary smelly fumes.
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:54 PM
 
Seriously, almost all jokes are 'old' or have been heard before.
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:55 PM
 
Originally Posted by Dakar
Seriously, almost all jokes are 'old' or have been heard before.
Seriously, that's why it's really hard to decide what to post.

Seriously, just imagine, EVRYONE here posts EVERY joke they hear.
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 12:57 PM
 
Originally Posted by what_the_heck
Seriously, that's why it's really hard to decide what to post.

Seriously, just imagine, EVRYONE here posts EVERY joke they hear.
Just shut-up. Do you write angry letters to magazines if you've read a joke they print before?
Do you yell 'OLD!' to friend in real life if they retell one you've heard before?
     
Tomchu
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:22 PM
 
Anyone who thinks a joke with something like 250 words "takes too long to get to the punchline" has an attention span problem. How do people like this sit through a college/university lecture, or manage to read a book?

It boggles the mind, especially seeing as how it takes about 20-25 seconds to read the joke.
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:25 PM
 
Originally Posted by Dakar
Do you write angry letters to magazines if you've read a joke they print before?
Yes.
Originally Posted by Dakar
Do you yell 'OLD!' to friend in real life if they retell one you've heard before?
Yes.

What's your point ?
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:30 PM
 
Originally Posted by what_the_heck
Yes.

Yes.

What's your point ?
That you're an ass apparently.
     
residentEvil
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:34 PM
 
Originally Posted by aberdeenwriter
...

Something else that gets me is that no one yet has volunteered a bear joke of their own. These are intraweb spectators rather than participants in life.

...

Yes, I did. The punchline; as it too is a very old joke and there was no sense posting the entire thing. The OP could have just put the punch line, and it would have brought back the memory and LOLs if required. Same as mine.

As for yours, a rehashing of a similar joke. Your's too could have just been a punchline only with same effect. The parts leading up to them are old and tired and have been told several dozens of ways for decades.

Same goes for pr0n. I can't find anything I haven't seen before Nothing is new.
     
aberdeenwriter
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:42 PM
 
Originally Posted by residentEvil
Yes, I did. The punchline; as it too is a very old joke and there was no sense posting the entire thing. The OP could have just put the punch line, and it would have brought back the memory and LOLs if required. Same as mine.

As for yours, a rehashing of a similar joke. Your's too could have just been a punchline only with same effect. The parts leading up to them are old and tired and have been told several dozens of ways for decades.

Same goes for pr0n. I can't find anything I haven't seen before Nothing is new.
Well, I never heard either of them before. So, what can I say but try and top them.

If you can.
Consider these posts as my way of introducing you to yourself.

Proud "SMACKDOWN!!" and "Golden Troll" Award Winner.
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:47 PM
 
It's funny how posting this
Originally Posted by JohnM15141
too contrived to be funny
is ok, but saying that the joke is OLD is so not ok.

WTF ?

*** you guys with your PC. Should I laugh at everything just to make ya'll happy and nobody feel awkward ? Whatever...
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:53 PM
 
Originally Posted by what_the_heck
It's funny how posting this

is ok, but saying that the joke is OLD is so not ok.
Wow, I didn't say that was cool now did I?


Originally Posted by what_the_heck
*** you guys with your PC. Should I laugh at everything just to make ya'll happy and nobody feel awkward ? Whatever...
Yeah, I guess for a postwhore its too difficult not to say anything at all, huh?
     
JoshuaZ
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Feb 3, 2006, 01:56 PM
 
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bar tender says "Wow, where did you get that thing?" The frog replies "Brookland. They're all over down there."
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:02 PM
 
Originally Posted by Dakar
Yeah, I guess for a postwhore its too difficult not to say anything at all, huh?

Well, I'm proud of you. Your contribution in this thread will make the world a better place.
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:03 PM
 
Originally Posted by what_the_heck

Well, I'm proud of you. Your contribution in this thread will make the world a better place.
Don't hate me because I'm right.
     
turtle777
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:05 PM
 
Originally Posted by Dakar
Don't hate me because I'm right.
Ok, you're right.
You can get on with it
     
aberdeenwriter
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:08 PM
 
Originally Posted by JoshuaZ
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bar tender says "Wow, where did you get that thing?" The frog replies "Brookland. They're all over down there."
Sorry, but it went over my head.
Consider these posts as my way of introducing you to yourself.

Proud "SMACKDOWN!!" and "Golden Troll" Award Winner.
     
wolfen  (op)
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:08 PM
 
OK, here's one from an old The Far Side...

"Hey, Jeb, think there are any bears in this old cave?"

"I dunno, let's go in and find out!"



[The bear is performing this dialogue with a human skull on each paw]
Do you want forgiveness or respect?
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:08 PM
 
Originally Posted by what_the_heck
Ok, you're right.
You can get on with it
Blow if off all you want, I don't see ya proving me wrong.
     
Dakar
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:09 PM
 
"When I was a kid we had an uncle we called Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and occasionally, he'd eat on of us. Later on we found out he was a bear."
     
JoshuaZ
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:11 PM
 
Originally Posted by aberdeenwriter
Sorry, but it went over my head.
We all can't be cool. Don't worry. It will come to you in time. Sleep on it.
     
aberdeenwriter
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:12 PM
 
Originally Posted by JoshuaZ
We all can't be cool. Don't worry. It will come to you in time. Sleep on it.
Say goodnite, aber.

Goodnite, aber...
Consider these posts as my way of introducing you to yourself.

Proud "SMACKDOWN!!" and "Golden Troll" Award Winner.
     
JoshuaZ
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:13 PM
 
Originally Posted by aberdeenwriter
Say goodnite, aber.

Goodnite, aber...
I still love you.
     
Kevin
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:32 PM
 
AAHahahahaha
     
MrsLarry
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:53 PM
 
Originally Posted by JoshuaZ
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bar tender says "Wow, where did you get that thing?" The frog replies "Brookland. They're all over down there."
HAHA

Ok, so a priest a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar... Bartender says "What's this some kind of joke??"
     
wdlove
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:56 PM
 
Laughter is good medicine.

"Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense." Winston Churchill
     
andi*pandi
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Feb 3, 2006, 02:59 PM
 
love that one!
     
KeyLimePi
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Feb 3, 2006, 03:54 PM
 
Favorite bear joke:

Two lifelong friends were hiking through Europe when they came to Black Bear Mountain. A villager warned them not to cross because a vicious bear lived on the mountain, but they assured the village that they had traveled the world together and there was nothing they couldn't handle, so they climbed the mountain. As they were making their way down, one friend noticed a giant black bear running down straight at them. "Run" he shouted to his friend. His friend saw the bear, stopped and started kicking off his hiking boots and pulling his running shoes from his backpack. "Are you crazy?" his friend said. "Running shoes aren't going to help you outrun that bear."

"I don't have to outrun that bear," he said. "I just have to outrun you."

[Note: Upon reflection, this joke seems like a metaphor for the partnership between Apple and IBM... and Intel is the bear]
     
olePigeon
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Feb 3, 2006, 04:16 PM
 
I don't have a good bear joke, but I have a good baby seal joke:

A baby seal walks into a club.
"…I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts
     
aberdeenwriter
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Feb 3, 2006, 11:16 PM
 
Originally Posted by olePigeon
I don't have a good bear joke, but I have a good baby seal joke:

A baby seal walks into a club.
That prompted a smile! Which warrants a
Consider these posts as my way of introducing you to yourself.

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aberdeenwriter
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Feb 3, 2006, 11:19 PM
 
Originally Posted by MrsLarry
HAHA

Ok, so a priest a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar... Bartender says "What's this some kind of joke??"
Oh, that's funny!
Consider these posts as my way of introducing you to yourself.

Proud "SMACKDOWN!!" and "Golden Troll" Award Winner.
     
Mastrap
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Feb 3, 2006, 11:28 PM
 
Originally Posted by aberdeenwriter
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"

This, of course, is funny in more ways than one.
     
aberdeenwriter
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Feb 3, 2006, 11:39 PM
 
Originally Posted by Mastrap
This, of course, is funny in more ways than one.
But, of course. And you must know I'm having fun with what may be the prevailing (false) perception.
Consider these posts as my way of introducing you to yourself.

Proud "SMACKDOWN!!" and "Golden Troll" Award Winner.
     
Miniryu
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Feb 4, 2006, 04:31 AM
 
Originally Posted by Dakar
occasionally, he'd eat on of us.
Wait what? Check your grammar/spelling.

"Sing it again, rookie beyach."
My website
     
bewebste
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Feb 4, 2006, 06:22 PM
 
A bear walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the bear, "What'll you have?"

The bear replies, "I think I'l have............................................ a beer."

The bartender replies, "Why the big pause?"
     
Eriamjh
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Feb 4, 2006, 07:32 PM
 
A Panda bear walks into a bar and grille. He orders a hamburger, eats it at the bar, then shoots the bartender and walks out.

A patron says, "What the hell was that?"
The bartender, only wounded, opens up a dictionary and shows it to the patron. Under panda it says, "Eats shoots and leaves".

I'm a bird. I am the 1% (of pets).
     
ShortcutToMoncton
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Feb 4, 2006, 08:18 PM
 
Originally Posted by residentEvil
just stick with punchlines...

Bear turns to the rabbit and askes, "Do you have trouble with s hit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit says "Nope."
That isn't the punchline.

"So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit."

Done.

greg
Mankind's only chance is to harness the power of stupid.
     
residentEvil
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Feb 4, 2006, 08:28 PM
 
Originally Posted by ShortcutToMoncton
That isn't the punchline.

"So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit."

Done.

greg
That is an implied ending used for idiots who don't get the joke.
     
buggsuperstar
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Feb 4, 2006, 09:01 PM
 
Originally Posted by bewebste
A bear walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the bear, "What'll you have?"

The bear replies, "I think I'l have............................................ a beer."

The bartender replies, "Why the big pause?"

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH!!!!

     
 
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