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Eug Wanker · Dec 12, 2006, 12:36 PM

An atheist was walking through the woods. He said to himself.

"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot tall grizzly bear charging towards him. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Dakar² · Dec 12, 2006, 12:39 PM

Heard it.

Jawbone54 · Dec 12, 2006, 12:53 PM

Never heard it. Laughed out loud.

Saetre · Dec 12, 2006, 01:14 PM

Thanks for the laugh.

lpkmckenna · Dec 12, 2006, 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by Eug Wanker

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

Isn't that the actual Christian doctrine?

olePigeon · Dec 12, 2006, 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by lpkmckenna

Isn't that the actual Christian doctrine?

Perhaps, but the athiest (even in the face of God) was willing to accept his shortcomings as a human being rather than blame it on the Devil.

turtle777 · Dec 12, 2006, 04:10 PM

I love athiests that don't believe in anything, not even speling. (sic!)

-t

Jawbone54 · Dec 12, 2006, 04:14 PM

Originally Posted by olePigeon

Perhaps, but the athiest (even in the face of God) was willing to accept his shortcomings as a human being rather than blame it on the Devil.

This conservative Christian strongly opposes the "devil made me do it" defense. Satan gets more credit than he deserves. Human flesh is a much more capable adversary.

ironknee · Dec 12, 2006, 04:31 PM

i expected the bear to pray for him

Chuckit · Dec 12, 2006, 04:39 PM

This is absolutely the athiest thread I've ever seen. I thought that one last week was pretty athy, but I mean, damn.

Eug Wanker · Dec 12, 2006, 04:42 PM

Athy

Seems like a nice place.

olePigeon · Dec 12, 2006, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by Eug Wanker

Athy

Seems like a nice place.

I'll make it to Ireland someday.

villalobos · Dec 12, 2006, 10:34 PM

Originally Posted by what_the_heck

I love athiests that don't believe in anything, not even speling. (sic!)

-t

I hope this was intended. If not I hope you se the irony of that comment.

dcmacdaddy · Dec 12, 2006, 11:55 PM

Hadn't heard it. Awesome joke though.

badidea · Dec 13, 2006, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by villalobos

I hope this was intended. If not I hope you se the irony of that comment.

I hope this was intended as well. I am pretty sure though that yours was just as intended as turtle's!

SirCastor · Dec 13, 2006, 01:02 PM

Heard it, funny stuff.

BTW: It's frustrating for a person to say "Isn't that Christian doctrine?". The variability of Christian groups is so great that it's largely difficult for anyone to make any substantiated claims about Christianity as a whole.

turtle777 · Dec 13, 2006, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by villalobos

I hope this was intended. If not I hope you se the irony of that comment.

Look closer: (sic!) !

-t

besson3c · Dec 13, 2006, 02:08 PM

I have one too!

Knock knock

lpkmckenna · Dec 14, 2006, 02:28 AM

Originally Posted by SirCastor

It's frustrating for a person to say "Isn't that Christian doctrine?". The variability of Christian groups is so great that it's largely difficult for anyone to make any substantiated claims about Christianity as a whole.

I agree in principle, but not in this case. I can't think of a single denomination that would disagree on this point of doctrine.

zacharydz · Dec 14, 2006, 02:34 AM

Originally Posted by lpkmckenna

I agree in principle, but not in this case. I can't think of a single denomination that would disagree on this point of doctrine.

Perhaps Calvinism or strict Presbyterianism a la Knox?

Chuckit · Dec 14, 2006, 04:48 AM

Originally Posted by lpkmckenna

I agree in principle, but not in this case. I can't think of a single denomination that would disagree on this point of doctrine.

Universalism. Any denomination that holds Paul in high regard.

Kevin · Dec 14, 2006, 07:11 AM

Originally Posted by SirCastor

BTW: It's frustrating for a person to say "Isn't that Christian doctrine?". The variability of Christian groups is so great that it's largely difficult for anyone to make any substantiated claims about Christianity as a whole.

The superficial stuff is anyhow. The main message is not.

- - e r i k - - · Dec 14, 2006, 08:49 AM

That joke was bearlarious

Loved it.

ebuddy · Dec 15, 2006, 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by besson3c

I have one too!

Knock knock

Who's there?

ironknee · Dec 15, 2006, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by besson3c

I have one too!

Knock knock

hoo there?

Atheist · Dec 15, 2006, 05:42 PM

I don't get it...

kc311v2 · Dec 15, 2006, 06:26 PM

Originally Posted by ebuddy

Who's there?

Shaw

ebuddy · Dec 15, 2006, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by kc311v2

Shaw

Shaw who?

IceBreaker · Dec 15, 2006, 07:38 PM

LOL very funny

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by ebuddy

Who's there?

banana!

knock knock...

ebuddy · Dec 15, 2006, 08:11 PM

Originally Posted by besson3c

banana!

knock knock...

That's weak.

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 08:22 PM

Originally Posted by ebuddy

That's weak.

My joke isn't done yet! It keeps going...

Again: knock knock!

IceBreaker · Dec 15, 2006, 08:25 PM

who's there?

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by IceBreaker

who's there?

banana!

Knock knock....

IceBreaker · Dec 15, 2006, 09:07 PM

hooz there?

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 09:08 PM

banana!

Knock knock....

IceBreaker · Dec 15, 2006, 09:11 PM

oy vey

banana who?

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 09:17 PM

You first have to give me another "who's there"?

Whopps... I guess I forgot to wait for you guys to say "who's there" during the last rounds. Oh well, the joke isn't ruined yet.

Knock knock!

IceBreaker · Dec 15, 2006, 09:31 PM

who's there?

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 09:32 PM

orange

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 09:45 PM

(somebody is supposed to say "orange who")

IceBreaker · Dec 15, 2006, 09:59 PM

orange who?

besson3c · Dec 15, 2006, 10:13 PM

orange you glad I didn't say banana??

IceBreaker · Dec 16, 2006, 12:08 AM

Originally Posted by besson3c

orange you glad I didn't say banana??

lol

besson3c · Dec 16, 2006, 12:10 AM

Originally Posted by kc311v2

Shaw

Shaw who?

ebuddy · Dec 16, 2006, 09:19 AM

As if Icebreaker hadn't heard the "banana/orange" knock-knock joke.

Yeah though, Shaw who? If it's a joke I certainly am not getting it.

besson3c · Dec 16, 2006, 12:59 PM

I wish I could tell my interrupting cow joke, it is even funnier, but you have to tell it in person.

SirCastor · Dec 16, 2006, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by besson3c

I wish I could tell my interrupting cow joke, it is even funnier, but you have to tell it in person.

I love that joke.

besson3c · Dec 16, 2006, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by SirCastor

I love that joke.

We could try to tell it SirCastor... I say go for it! What have we got to lose? You can tell the joke to me, and I'll play along not suspecting anything.

Jawbone54 · Dec 16, 2006, 02:08 PM

The interrupting cow joke is one of my all-time favorites.

Here's another funny one...
This is best with a small group of people.

---

One day I went with a friend of mine to a fortune teller. We stepped inside and there was (insert visual details here). Finally the woman called us behind a curtain into a darkened, candlelit room. She told me to show her my palm, so I did. I was kind of giggling because of how silly the whole thing felt. She never cracked a smile.

(I'm using my own personal details here. The joke teller has to use their own)

Then she said, "I see that you have two siblings; one brother and one sister." Lucky guess, I thought. Then she said, "Your father is a minister, I see. That confuses me, seeing you here. Your kind usually doesn't think too highly of people in my business."

My mouth dropped, and she continued, "You have had a surgery recently. Something in your abdomen, possibly your appendix?" I was mesmerized by this point. "You're grandfather was a soldier in World War II. He was shot 3 times, and finally was sent home, where he promptly married your grandmother."

(By this time, people are being sucked into your story. You just keep on putting in personal details until...)

"I see that you also were part of World War II in your past life..."

"Oh, no," I said. "I don't believe in reincarnation."

"It doesn't matter," she said. "It is true. Every previous life leaves a physical mark. You were a German Shepherd dog who belonged to a Nazi officer. You were run over by a tank. Your mark, I am seeing, is a deformation on your right shoulder. It was your shoulder that took most of the crushing weight of the tank..."

(then you feel your shoulder...)

"Oh my god! I couldn't believe it, but I really do have a deformation on my shoulder! Feel!"

When the person closest reaches to touch your shoulder, bark really loudly and act like you're going to bite their hand. They freak out and everyone gets a kick out of it, especially if you tell the story convincingly.

---

One time I accidentally bit the person who I played the joke on. That was probably the best that I've told the story.