[starman]

Another beautiful Saturday morning ruined by these people that try to explain to you how miserable your life is unless you join them.

Seriously, does ANYONE listen to these people? A guy and his 3 young kids all dressed up in suits wandering around my block pestering people that don't want to hear about this crap. We all go to church. Go away.

The thing is, there seems to be some miscommunication between sects because we've been getting a LOT of them lately.

Mike

[budster101]

When they come to your door:

- Be polite. Obnoxiously Polite. Eye them up and down and then.
- Invite them into your home. Say you were just to begin your worship in your basement chapel.
- Of the Lord of Darkness... you'd love for them to stay and whitness the 'offering' to the Devil.
- Ask if like lamb through-out your conversation, and then say, do you mind if it is very rare?
- Smile often, and show your teeth.
- If they havn't excused themselves by now, ask if they mind the site of blood.

More humor: (Meant for humor purposes only)

" DEALING WITH JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
by Major Matt Mason
Saturday morning, 10 AM. I'm quietly conducting a Q-scan on this very board
when the doorbell rings. Leaving the Mac, I go into the hall and look out.
There is a middle-aged black lady standing at the front door with a bible in
her hand.

Jehovah' Witlesses.

OBOY!

I leap into action. Quickly donning a camo jacket, black beret and dark
sunglasses, and grabbing my battery-powered MP5k water machine pistol, I run
to the front door. They're still there. Good. I fling open the door.

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
JW: Good morning, sir-
Me: I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WANT MY SOUL! WELL, IT'S TOO LATE, DO YOU HEAR?
I'VE ALREADY SOLD IT!!!!!(manaiacal laughter)
JW: But-

I slam the door, and pick up the mail. Looking up, I see that the STARK FIST
has obviously struck the poor woman; she's rooted to the spot. Laughing
maniacally once again, I spray the door with water. With a gasp, she
disappears.

With any luck whatsoever, I'll never be plagued by those idiots again.

I should mention the camo jacket was "Urban Camo" (various black, white and
grey splotches). Alas, the MP5K water pistol is in Water Pistol Heaven after it
dropped on the floor; however, I have a nice "Bullpup" model loosely based on a
Lazer Tag StarLyte which is picking up the slack, as it were. Oh, yes: The
above post originally apppeared on the Institute.


A few basic principles to remember here:

1) These are essentially decent (but woefully misguided and, in all
probability, none too bright) people out to Spread The Word Of The Lord.
Physical assault is right out of the question; even squirting water on them is
RIGHT OUT. You will note in the 1988 encounter, I sprayed the front door, NOT
the JW.

2) If you're feeling masochistic, you MAY wish to attempt to reason with them
and try to refute their arguments. This is easily as productive a use of time
as pissing up a rope. They have their faith; their faith is strong; therefore,
they are right and you are wrong. Don't bother.

3) As with other organisms, JWs react in a Pavlovian manner to external
stimuli. If you're polite to them (even to the extent of saying "Not
interested, thank you" and firmly shutting the door), they have experienced a
pleasant encounter with a fellow human being and, who knows, a future recruit.
If, on the other hand, you walk up to the front door stark naked and invite
them to a Black Mass in the basement, fondling your genitals all the while,
chances are they will react with disgust and not bother you any more.

4) A continuation of 1): As a rule, JWs tend not to be the Charismatic Saviour
type. Once you've scared them off once, they tend not to return. In a way,
this is disappointing, as I haven't had a chance to vent my spleen at a Jesoid
in public since that day in 1988.

With this in mind, here's a list of suggestions on dealing with JWs. With
imagination, you can come up with more, I'm sure...All of these gambits assume
you've been waken from a sound sleep on a Sunday morning, are somewhat unready
to deal with strangers on short notice, have some means of ascertaining that
you are in fact dealing with door-to-door religious fanatics and have prepared
to one extent or another.

1) The Paramilitary method. As described above. A good variation would
have you coming to the front door munching on a large piece of meat
impaled on a "Rambo" style knife. For extra effect, offer them some. The
Paramilitary method can either be played screaming style or in a low, intense,
"I just flew back from the Ho Chi Minh Trail and BOY, are my ARMS TIRED!!" sort
of voice. Think Jack Nicholson.

2) Out-rant them. Have a copy of the Book of the Sub-Genius handy. Read
selected passages from the Economicon. Point out some of the more bizarre art
and claim to have witnessed the Fighting Jesus tear himself OFF the cross and
start beating the Romans over the HEAD with it.

3) Open the front door bearing a boom box on your shoulder. For best effect,
you should play Devo, "My Way" by Sid Vicious or "Go To Hell" by Alice Cooper.

4) Invite them to an orgy (variation on 3), above). Same wardrobe.

5) While physical assault is out, verbal abuse is perfectly acceptable. Dog
them down the block shouting that they support Nazi terror in the Vatican, that
a JW daycare center was shut down under suspicion of child abuse, that they're
in league with both Lyndon Larouche AND the Queen of England to flood
Kennebunkport, Newport AND Cape Cod with illicit heroin, Thorazine and
adrenochrome...use your imagination.

6) Using a pay phone and a false (but plausible) name (say, John R. Dobbs),
call 911 and tell the operator there are people ringing doorbells and trying
windows, doors and locked cars. The boys in blue will do the rest,
particularly if you sound desperate.

Like most other fanatics, JWs tend to regard adversity as spiritual exercise.
I say, let's help them exercise their spirituality to the fullest and BEYOND.

Major Matt "Hint for Hint 5): Think Radio Shack bullhorn. If you get one
which plays music, program it for the Nazi or Communist anthems..." Mason"

Source

SERIOUSLY THOUGH:

Five things not to do:

[ThinkInsane]

I haven't had a JW show up in a while, having forsaken living in houses and moving into veritable fortresses (seriously, my buildings are easily fortified), but the last time I had one show up, my buddy Billy and I were eating breakfast before we were heading out sailing. when I went to the door, for some reason Bill followed me. They, a nicely dressed middle-aged couple, started their spiel, I grabbed Bill, pulled him in to a big hug, kissed him and screeched "Finally darling, a religion that will accept us for who we are!". That was the end of that.

Or you could just make a chalk outline of a body in the front yard and toss a couple of Watchtower magazines around. That should do it.

EDIT: I was still half asleep

[effgee]

Originally Posted by ThinkInsane

... "Finally darling, a religion that will accept us for who we are!". ...

[awaspaas]

But in Latin, Jehova begins with an "I"

[wdlove]

Yes, be polite. I usually see them standing at my local MBTA station. Just stand off to the side quietly.

[Person Man]

One day when I was still in high school, my father and I were at home together when a couple of Witnesses showed up on our doorstep. They were a man and a woman, both well-dressed, and appeared to be in their 40s.

(Background: My father is Greek, and has only ever spoken Greek with me my whole life. At the time of this episode, he had been in the US for 18 years and could speak English fairly well).

I knew exactly who I was dealing with, so I decided to have some fun with them.

Me: (opening door) Ne? Ti thelete? (Yes? What do you want?)

Man: (big smile, salesman voice) Hi! We're Jehovah's Witnesses, and we'd like to share our faith with you.

Woman: May we come in?

Me: (confused look) Signomi, den sas katalaveno. (I'm sorry, I don't understand you).

The two give each other strange looks.

Man: Are either of your parents home?

Me: Den milao Anglika. (I don't speak English)

By this time, my father had come to the door and asked me what was going on. I told him (in Greek, right in front of the Witnesses) who they were and what they wanted, and what I was doing, and invited him to join me, which he did.

Dad: Pios isaste? (Who are you?)

Woman: (to man) I don't think they speak much English, Tom.

(WTF? We weren't speaking ANY English!)

Man: (very slowly) HI. WE'RE J-E-H-O-V-A-H-S W-I-T-N-E-S-S-E-S!

Woman: WE WANT TO SHARE OUR FAITH WITH YOU!

My father and I just looked at each other and talked between ourselves and kept giving them confused looks.

Man: (to woman) I think they're speaking Spanish. Let's see if we can find Jose.

(Jose? This was getting better and better)

Woman: (to man) I think you're right. (to us) WE'LL BE BACK.

They leave, but not before handing us a few issues of The Watchtower and Awake, which we both took and looked at, but upside-down. I looked at my father and said, "This ought to be fun." My father agreed. About a half hour later, they came back, and Jose was with them. My father and I both answered the door.

Woman: (to us) THIS IS JOSE. HE SPEAKS SPANISH.

(No sh*t)

Jose: Hola. Somos Testigos de Jehová, y queremos compartir nuestra fe con ustedes.

Dad: (to me, laughing) Kapios prepei na ton pei oti imaste Ellines. (Someone should tell him we're Greeks).

Jose: (scratches his head, and turns to the other two) That's not Spanish.

Man: Well, what language is it?

Jose: I don't know. I think it's Hindu (sic) or something.

(HINDU??? or "Hindi" as is the correct term)

Man: SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. BUT WE KNOW OUR FAITH IS THE TRUE WAY.

They left, after handing us more magazines. My father and I never laughed so hard in our lives.

[JustAnOl'Broad]

Great stories!

Now, how do I handle them when I'm trying to take their order
in a crowded restaurant - and they're busy trying to save me?

...and No, tattoos of Satan on my arms or forehead would not
be an option.

[DeathMan]

Just try to be polite, and tell them you're not interested. If they still want to talk, after you've made it clear you're not intersted, be more assertive, but remember, they're just people who are trying to do what they think is right.

[MilkmanDan]

Just looked stoned. I woke up one morning to their door bell ringing and was highly groggy. I bet they seriously thought I was on something because they handed me some pamphlets and left.

[budster101]

Offer them a rolled up newspaper and say it's a dube.... then offer to light it for them.

[scaught]

Originally Posted by awaspaas

But in Latin, Jehova begins with an "I"

[budster101]

"A penatent man, is humble before God, a penantent man.... KNEELS before God..."

[Commodus]

Isn't it true that Jehovah's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people will get into heaven (based on some figure relating to the 12 tribes of Israel)? If so, it would be funny to think that so many people would be caught up in a religion where even strong devotion isn't a guarantee of salvation.

Of course, I wonder how many 'moderate' JW members there are...

[Super Mario]

When JW comes to the door they always remind me of



CONEHEADS!

[Cody Dawg]

budster101: Your post was one of the funniest I've seen in a LONG time - I read it aloud to my family and we were all rolling!



They come here to my house also.

I told them that my house is haunted by a ghost and that it has "bad energy." I told them about all the weird things that have happened in this house (we bought it from a dying lady and it's true that weird things HAVE happened) such as ant infestations, snakes that mysteriously come in through our chimney and writhe across the floor, rats that crawled into one exterior wall (6 of them) and died in there en masse which prompted having the wall taken down completely and no, we don't live in a dump or the slums, the tree that smashed our house and two cars last year during hurricane Frances, and other oddities.

Do you know, they haven't come back?

I had a good time showing them my eMac and PowerBook setup (complete with wireless printing) and telling them all about our haunted house - while in my lingerie (they showed up bright and early.)

[budster101]

144,000...

"Jehovah's Witness Computer Viruses

* Jehovah's Witness Virus: Deletes all but 144000 select files.
* Jehovah's Witness-Unitarian Virus: Opens up a lot of windows, but for no apparent reason.
* Jehovah's Witness Virus: Keeps banging the head in your hard drive!

Drum Roll .. Ba Da Boom

* While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them. - Gene Spafford

* My Avon lady just became a Jehovah's Witness. That may not mean much to you, but it saves me one more trip to the door. - George Carlin

* I'm a Jehovah's Bystander. We's like the Witnesses, only we don't wanna get involved. - Flip Wilson

* Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses get killed during an earthquake? They're always in your doorway. - Johnny Carson

* I'm in the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go around knocking on people's doors and telling them I'm somebody else. - Steven Wright

* What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic? Someone who goes door to door for no apparent reason.

* What do you get when you cross Jehovah's Witness with a Mafia hitman ? Lots of converts.

* Why do mobsters hate Jehovah's Witnesses? They hate all witnesses!

* These Jehovah's Witnesses are sick of the 'turn the other cheek' way of spreading the word. Answer the door or else!

* What does Hannibal Lector call a Jehovah's Witness? Free delivery! - Jay Leno (that one is a little over the top)

* I could never be a Jehovah's Witness... I didn't see the accident. As far as I know, Jehovah didn't hit anybody. - Greg Taylor

* The Jehovah's Witnesses sex scandal started its first day in court today. When they knocked on the door of the courthouse, nobody answered the door. - David Letterman

* I saw justice in action today for the first time ever. I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah's Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell. - Lou Eisen

* Ask a Jehovah's Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?

* I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. - Bruce Clark

* Do you know what it's like to have one already in the house? - Julie Barr (comedian) about her sister, a JW"

===

[B]How to Get an "X" Marked over Your House on the "Territory Map"[b/]

* Every time they say "God," or the ever-popular "Jehovah-God" say "..or Goddess."

* Go to the Sunday "Public Meeting" at your local Kingdom Hall to share the good news of your religion with them.

* Ask them if they think Jesus' feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner.

* Attend the yearly "Memorial" of the Last Supper and actually drink the wine.

* Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a God "of love and forgiveness."

* Wear the national flag and start talking about how you're "proud to be an American" (or whichever country).

* Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is at once the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star.

* Ask them how the "fruits of the spirit" are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting pedophiles, exJWs who go postal after being disfellowshipped and shunned, JW murderers and rapists, etc. Check the JW News page for the latest.)

* Ask them how proud they are that some ultra-right political Christians now share their views on Halloween.

* Ask them who Cain married.

* Remark that the rapid blinking of the "new light" might be a health hazard to epileptics.

* Ask them why the Watchtower Society is based in New York rather than in any holy city of the bible.

* Ask them about the recent "corporate restructuring" of the Watchtower Society.

* Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall.

* Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing.

* Ask them if independent thinking is still "against their religion." That is actually a prohibition of the group? "Awake!" indeed!

* When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"

* Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.

* For males only: While you're talking with them, start putting on lipstick... and remark that you have a hot date.

* Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?"

* Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country."

* Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.

* Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their loving-kindness and patience last.

* Say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."

* Pick an oft-repeated word in the "approved lexicon" and giggle or say "beep" whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones."


More JW humor here:

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by Commodus

Isn't it true that Jehovah's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people will get into heaven (based on some figure relating to the 12 tribes of Israel)? If so, it would be funny to think that so many people would be caught up in a religion where even strong devotion isn't a guarantee of salvation.

Hey, if you believe it's true, that still gives you better odds than not being part of the religion.

[Millennium]

Originally Posted by Commodus

Isn't it true that Jehovah's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people will get into heaven (based on some figure relating to the 12 tribes of Israel)?

They do believe this, but they don't believe in a hell, per se. The others (who are generally believed to include the Witnesses themselves, anyone who never heard what they said, and -depending on the congregation- most other people as well), they believe, will be resurrected on an Earth restored to Eden-like conditions, where they will then live eternally. They don't believe in Heaven as any kind of special reward, per se; it's a different condition. See Revelation 7 for where they get the number from.

I am not a member of their organization, but I study with them.

Of course, I wonder how many 'moderate' JW members there are...

Few religions believe more strongly in the separation of Church and State, if that's what you mean. There's a reason they don't vote, and they don't take place in uprisings either. It's also why they were thrown into concentration camps in World War II (they refused to fight) but were often used by the guards as personal servants and barbers: they believed they wouldn't hurt them. There aren't any known instances of a Witness hurting a guard, actually, but they did convert a few of them, who were promptly stripped of their command and thrown into the camps themselves.

[Cody Dawg]

Next time a JW comes to my house I'm going to hand them my own "literature:"

A copy of this thread printed out.

[budster101]

Ask them inside for some raw calve's brains and yogurt... then sit at your kitchen table and commense eating some yogurt with fruit in it... say it's the brains. See how long they last.

Or some Chocolate pudding, but tell them it's Liver Puree.. fresh.

Don't forget to have some crosses upside down on your walls.

[G Barnett]

Still only theoretical at this point -- feel free to try:

Required props: long sleeved shirt, red licorice laces.

Answer the door with one end of the lace stuck right up under sleeve, on inside of elbow joint. Be sucking on the other end. Pause after they ask their first question then hold the end of the lace you've been sucking on out towards them and say, "Oh, are either of you thirsty?"

[Zimphire]

I got two JW gals stoned one day quite a few years back.

Me and my best friend was at his place smoking up and they very cute JWs showed up.

I don't think they were really that religious, and was just doing it because their parents made them.

They were "PKs" or "Preachers Kids" and if anyone has ever known most PK, they like to get into trouble to shed the PK image.

I feel bad about it now, but it was something worth bragging about then.

I think I may still have a pic of them I took then.

I'll see if I can find it, and scan it in.

And it obviously wasn't the first time those two has gotten high.

I liked South Park's episode about the JWs.

Fitting.

[ironknee]

well i live in the HEART of the JW world. Brooklyn heights. they all look very proper as they go in and out of all the buildings they own. I think they've stopped witnessing the the neighborhood so they live in their world among us.

thing is, i'd rather have them as neighbors then say, moonies

[Millennium]

A word of warning about these pranks: Witnesses tend to find them about as funny as you do, once they've gotten over the initial shock (assuming you actually manage to shock them, which I've found to be surprisingly difficult). Don't do anything that you wouldn't want a group of people you don't know talking and laughing about for years to come.

[dlefebvre]

On a saturday morning, while I was still enjoying the confort of my bed, I hear the doorbell. it"s 8:15 AM. I get up and get to the door in a zombie fashion. On the way there my brains wakes up and realize that a doorbell this early on a saturday can only mean one thing. JW! I open the door but I just look down, below their knees. I can see 3 pairs of shoes (2 adults, one kid), dressed pants and a briefcase. Still looking down, never brigning my eyes above their knees, I pick up the newspaper and I close the door like they weren't even there. I would have like to see their faces.

[JoshKurtz]

I just moved to Mississippi a few months ago and I'm happy to say that they haven't spammed me yet.

[Kilbey]

I used to live within a couple blocks of a Mormon Church, JW Church, 7th Day Adventist Church, a Pentecostal Church, a Catholic church, and a Baptist Church.

Our door would get knocked on a few times a day on some Saturdays.

The only reliable way to get any of them to stop coming back was to invite them into pray with me, but only if I was allowed to lead the prayer. NOONE ever took me up on it. I am a basic conservative Christian, and I never had any intention of any thing bad, but they simply seemed frightened that I would lead them in an act of worship.

[OwlBoy]

Originally Posted by ThinkInsane

…and screeched "Finally darling, a religion that will accept us for who we are!".…

-Owl

[ThinkInsane]

Originally Posted by OwlBoy

-Owl

The best part was after they left, Bill got weird look on his face and got all "Dude, I don't think I want to go sailing anymore". My girlfriend came down stairs and asked what was going on, and before Bill could reply, I said "Willy just kissed me" which left him stammering "No I didn't, he kissed me!".