[mitchell_pgh]

So, I grew up in a very small town and have since gone to college and moved to a major city (been here 8+ years). The thing is, when I go home, I now must deal with inappropriate comments from family members. The three key comments are:
- Colored (referencing black people)
- The "N" word (ugh... I know)
- Jew (AKA, being cheap)

I've become particularly sensitive as I dated a Jewish girl and wouldn't think twice about dating an african american...

My question: How do I approach this situation without being a jerk? Has anyone else had to deal with this situation?

[Jawbone54]

I don't deal with it when it comes to family members; my grandfather would've kicked someone out of his house for saying any of the three things that you listed, and he passed that distaste for it down to his children.

However, being from the deep South, I do have to deal with it during other situations. With some friends, I can be perfectly honest with them and let them know something was uncalled for. Others I have to be a bit more cautious, making sure to keep it lighthearted enough, but still hinting that it makes them sound ridiculous. For instance, I might say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know we started the meeting already, let me put on my white robe and hood." It usually gets a laugh, but it subtly gets the point across as well.

With some people, it's so deeply-rooted in their lifestyle that it would do nothing but cause an unwanted and unnecessary scene. I don't know how your family interacts, but I know some families that might respond by drawing attention to you as the "big Washington boy," pulling out the big-city card and trying to make you look pretentious.

It all depends on the dynamics of your family. They might be receptive, and they might not. You just have to feel it out yourself. It's possible you might just have to grit your teeth through the awkward situations.

Or you could just purposefully look for a black girlfriend to bring home for the holidays. That wouldn't be as subtle, but I think they'd hold off on some of the comments, at least.

[Chuckit]

I'd just smile and nod. No reason to take things so seriously, if you ask me.

[OwlBoy]

I try and hope it passes fast. And if it is persistent, I normally say something to the effect of telling them to be polite. I don't ever want to get into a debate on the subject, just want them to respect others views, and not be so offensive.

-Owl

[red rocket]

You're being overly sensitive, in my opinion.

I've dated both Jewish and black girls, and I'm not offended by those ‘inappropriate’ (i.e. non‑PC) words.

Personally, I'd rather have some potentially offensive cultural diversity than trying to lecture everybody into adopting some arbitrary politically correct vocabulary.

[Cold Warrior]

I encounter the same stuff as you, and can sympathize. I ignore it — just sort of stare off into space or down at the table until it passes. They're old (80+), and while that doesn't excuse it, it helps no one during the holidays to pick a fight with old folks, when the entire family is just trying to enjoy the holidays. So the rest of the family just lets it pass in silence, without comment, then changes the subject.

[Mastrap]

I work with somebody who frequently refers to Jews as being a: shrewd, b: cheap and c: always out to pull you over the table. It really is very distasteful, but he's a partner so there's not all that much I can do without causing potentially huge problems.

[Chuckit]

I also used to work with somebody who frequently referred to Jews as being shrewd, cheap and always out to pull you over the table. But she was a Jew, so I wasn't really in a position to argue with her bragging.

[Tiresias]

You should say something, but in an off-hand way. Try and make a joke out of it, if you can.

[Dork.]

Originally Posted by Chuckit 

I also used to work with somebody who frequently referred to Jews as being shrewd, cheap and always out to pull you over the table. But she was a Jew, so I wasn't really in a position to argue with her bragging.

As far as I'm concerned, it's pointless to be offended on behalf of other people. For that matter, I think it's pointless to get offended over things that are about me also, unless I'm sure that the comment is mean-spirited. People are too easily offended these days.

I especially give deference to older relatives, since they simply grew up in a different time. But we do have the right to politely ignore them when they're going off the tracks.

I actually thought that we were going to have problems with some older relatives at my wedding, where among the wedding party was my best friend from grade school (who is not white like they're used to), and one of my best friends from high school (who is not quite heterosexual like they're used to). Luckily, these relatives were the type I am used to, where the open bar helped the situation.

[Eug]

I tell them off, if it's close family. If they get pissed off and want to leave, so be it. No skin off my back.

If it isn't close family though, I keep my mouth shut.

[pooka]

When I read the subject line, it really brought back some painful memories. I remember family gatherings where my uncles would hang around and make cat calls as I walked by...

"Whooo.. Mmmmummm, boy! You are looking goooooood tonight. Which one of us gets to tuck you in?"

Granted, I was 24 when this happened. Doesn't make it any easier.

[mitchell_pgh]

Interesting points... I think I'll simply comment about it in a subtle way. Some of these people aren't old... they are in their 20s-30s and should know better. I don't think they actually know what they are saying, as they never interact with african american or jewish people, but I'm noticing that they are passing it along to their kids, and that's just sad.

I don't think I'm being overly sensitive... it would be one thing if it was an off color joke or something, but what they are saying is flat out racist.

NOTE: I grew up thinking that saying "colored" was OK... I wasn't corrected until I went to college

[DeathToWindows]

Considering the indicated age, I'd personally go for reading them the riot act... but then again, I live in Boston, where any of the aforementioned terms would result in "interesting times" for the speaker.

And if anyone used the last one in my hearing, my fangs would come out (I'm Jewish).

Then again, you could just find a black, Jewish girlfriend with a nasty temper...

[Cadaver]

Originally Posted by DeathToWindows 

Then again, you could just find a black, Jewish girlfriend with a nasty temper...

Perfect!

My wife's parents have mentioned their distaste for homosexuals severals times... until my brother-in-law decided to come out of the closet. They don't really bring it up any more.

They also said the same things about Jews... until their daughter married and became one

[driven]

I ignore it. You probably can't change family ignorance, so it just causes problems (and usually a scene)

[Eug]

Originally Posted by driven 

I ignore it. You probably can't change family ignorance, so it just causes problems (and usually a scene)

That's OK. Just because they're family, doesn't mean I have to tolerate them.

At least with non-family, I know I only have to tolerate them for a few hours. With family, they're a recurring event, so you may as well voice your displeasure early. Then maybe they'll STFU.

Actually, it works with non-family as well, but I tend to be more selective. My friend's wife made some pretty nasty remarks about gays, and I just said that my neighbours were a gay couple and I respect and trust them way more than most people I've met. She never mentioned it again.

Originally Posted by Cadaver 

My wife's parents have mentioned their distaste for homosexuals severals times... until my brother-in-law decided to come out of the closet. They don't really bring it up any more.

Aweseome. You mean their son? Perfect.

They also said the same things about Jews... until their daughter married and became one

Also perfect.

[Shaddim]

I learned to just walk away. Before long they got the hint that those types of comments irritated me.

[Eug]

I have family members that have made ignorant comments about Jews.
I have family members that have made ignorant comments about Japanese.
I have family members that have made ignorant comments about blacks.

I've dated a Jewish woman, and a Japanese woman. I always regret the fact I never had the chance on dating a black woman though.

[nonhuman]

Originally Posted by DeathToWindows 

Considering the indicated age, I'd personally go for reading them the riot act... but then again, I live in Boston, where any of the aforementioned terms would result in "interesting times" for the speaker.

You're not actually from Boston, are you? Just go to school here? Common wisdom, especially among blacks, is that Boston is not a very tolerant or diverse city. On and around the various campuses, things are different, but the actual Bostonians are often not the most accepting of those who are different. Historically, Boston has a reputation for being a racist city.

Personally, I blame the puritans, as with most of the problems of our fair commonwealth...

[mitchell_pgh]

Originally Posted by driven 

I ignore it. You probably can't change family ignorance, so it just causes problems (and usually a scene)

The thing is, I think I can bring it up without being obnoxious about it. I'm going to test the waters and report back in a few months. My brother is expecting a child, and I'm going to mention to him that everything he says will be mimicked by his child... and that he will pass along his inappropriate comments. I would be BBQed if I said ANYTHING like what I hear on a regular basis from my family. It's embarrassing at times.

[driven]

Funny this thread came up. My brother in law started with his usual racist crap at dinner tonight. All the usual stereotypical crap about "blacks can't bring themselves out of poverty" and "indians are taking over the country and can't even speak english". I guess it finally got to me (being in a mixed marriage myself) and I just blurted out .... "apparently ignorance among southern rednecks is on the rise too." Not sure if he heard me or understood me. He left a few minutes later though. Dinner was much more peaceful after that. Now if I can just get my sister to tone down her mouth ....

[The Godfather]

I take offense at the idea that all ignorant rednecks are southern. Millions of them in the north too.

[driven]

Originally Posted by The Godfather 

I take offense at the idea that all ignorant rednecks are southern. Millions of them in the north too.

Agreed 100%. But he was southern ...

[ort888]

You're being intolerant of their beliefs.

[wallinbl]

Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh 

So, I grew up in a very small town and have since gone to college and moved to a major city (been here 8+ years).

Aren't you essentially doing the same thing they are? You're stereotyping small town folks as bigoted and ignorant. In your statement, "very small town" becomes a pejorative.

Regardless, I think that you can simply let them know that you'd prefer that they not use those words. Don't say anything about them being offensive or inappropriate. Simply say that you would appreciate it if they not say them. They'll get the point without being offended or feeling ashamed. Most people will try to stop because they are courteous. Don't keep reminding them about it - it's hard to break habits, and my guess is that they'll notice themselves saying it and it will taper off.

[Mastrap]

Originally Posted by The Godfather 

I take offense at the idea that all ignorant rednecks are southern. Millions of them in the north too.

True enough. We even have them in Canada.

[Rumor]

I got spanked for playing with black kids by my grandmother. I grew up not to far from where Jawbone lives. I don't really keep in contact with a lot of my southern family for these types of reasons.

My family here in Cal. Well, we're offensive but not racist.

[Dakar the Fourth]

It might be amusing to call the redneck the 'n' word and see what ensues.

Obviously, I'm not very bright.

[analogika]

When I worked at a warehouse, we got a new temp worker who was assigned to package stuff in my section got pretty explicitly racist.

I called him on it in front of the crew.

A little later, over in my section, he asked me about it, and blablabla. I told him I'd lived abroad for long enough not to have to listen to his crap, at which point he asked me, somewhat incredulously, whether I was one of them foreigner-friends?

I was a little flabbergasted. I took a good look at him and said, "Say - those eyebrows, and the dark hair, and those eyes...I think you look kind of Slavic, you know?"


He was so flustered that he couldn't think of anything smarter than to splutter about a bit and then draw himself up to full height and proclaim that we'd just have to look at the Führer to see what a German should look like!

Nailed him.

After I stopped laughing, I went straight to the chief to give him a brief summary of the situation, and quoted our exchange.

After *he* stopped laughing, he called in the foreman and told him as well.

The guy was gone the next day, and was blacklisted at the temp firm.


One of very few occasions where I felt I responded with *exactly* the quip the situation called for.

[AngelaBaby]

You cannot change your family. Your uneasiness is created BY YOU, NOT them. So it's your problem, now deal with it.

[Eug]

Originally Posted by AngelaBaby 

You cannot change your family. Your uneasiness is created BY YOU, NOT them. So it's your problem, now deal with it.

You cannot change your family, but you can tell them to STFU.

[Faust]

If it bothers you (and it'd certainly bother me if I were in your situation), then I'd tell them why some of the things they say bother you. Not in an offensive way but in a clear, logical, non-confrontational manner. I'd not even start a discussion but rather make it clear that I take offense in remarks that are discriminating against people who just happen to be different genetically.

[Cadaver]

Originally Posted by Eug 

You cannot change your family, but you can tell them to STFU.

[Cipher13]

Honestly, I don't think you should worry about being rude when your family is acting like that.

[davedecay]

We are all "colored" to some extent, even albinos.

I find the sensitivity to that word to be silly.
The NAACP still has "colored" as part of its title - you can't have it both ways.

As for those other words, you can try to handle them in a way that doesn't cause family rifts and embarrassing blowups.
There is a time & place for them (see: Chris Rock & Sarah Silverman), but how they are used is another matter.

Words only have as much power as you grant them. Seriously.

[Faust]

Originally Posted by davedecay 

We are all "colored" to some extent, even albinos.

I find the sensitivity to that word to be silly.

I know I was once verbally beaten up to a jelly for having used the word "coloured" in a US centric music forum.
The funny thing is, the terminus here is not an insult (this may vary here too, depending on where you live). To refer to someone who is black or a mulatte as "coloured" is a perfectly ordinary word used in a perfectly proper context in my opinion. At least this holds true in my environment. Mind you, I am a mulatte (half white, half black and have a Jewish background).

Hmmm ... Now that I think of it, I'd be the perfect girlfriend for a guy with a sexist, racist and anti-semite family, eh? The only thing missing is homsexuality. Ah well. You can't have everything.

I always refer to myself either as a mulatte or coloured or - when I'm in a fluffy kind of mood - cafe melange. I see no issue with it but understand that the etiquette varies within different cultures, obviously, so I try to remember where I can use a set of words without having my spine broken in five different places and where it is ethically fine to use them.

[glideslope]

Never discuss Religion or Politics at family gatherings. Period. Things will be said that can alter the future of man kind.

[♥]

Write a letter that details your feelings and hang it in the refrigerator.

That will get their attention and they'll be sure to read it.

End of the problem? I hope.

Good luck.

[Cipher13]

A letter? To the family? Are you kidding?

[AngelaBaby]

Originally Posted by Eug 

You cannot change your family, but you can tell them to STFU.

They'll still act the same

[besson3c]

Originally Posted by AngelaBaby 

They'll still act the same

How would you know that?

[driven]

Originally Posted by besson3c 

How would you know that?

I would agree with him .... from experience.

[Eug]

Originally Posted by AngelaBaby 

They'll still act the same

Actually, some will actually keep their mouths shut.

[osiris]

Originally Posted by davedecay 

I find the sensitivity to that word to be silly.
The NAACP still has "colored" as part of its title - you can't have it both ways.

Hmmm, "National Association for the Advancement of Colored People"

Isn't that interesting.
You really can't have it both ways, same goes for the 'n' word as well imo - at least judging from comedians, and kids on the subway whilst referring to each other. (though I use neither and never had the need to, but always wanted to for the fun of it .)

[MallyMal]

Originally Posted by osiris 

Hmmm, "National Association for the Advancement of Colored People"

Isn't that interesting.
You really can't have it both ways, same goes for the 'n' word as well imo - at least judging from comedians, and kids on the subway whilst referring to each other. (though I use neither and never had the need to, but always wanted to for the fun of it .)

My opinion is you can say whatever you want. However, don't complain if your ass gets kicked for doing so.

[osiris]

Originally Posted by MallyMal 

My opinion is you can say whatever you want. However, don't complain if your ass gets kicked for doing so.

My ass kicked? I think not.