[abe]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence; we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one."

The first guy replies, "Wow, this is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and wanted to say to my wife 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'"

[KeyLimePi]

A guy wins $5k on a scratch-off and goes on a three-day bender. When he gets home is wife is irate. "I can't believe you would just disappear like that," she says. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?!" So he says, "I'd like it just fine."

So the next day he doesn't see her, and the day after that he doesn't see her. By the third day he could make out shapes, but they were still pretty blurry...

[abe]

Originally Posted by KeyLimePi

A guy wins $5k on a scratch-off and goes on a three-day bender. When he gets home is wife is irate. "I can't believe you would just disappear like that," she says. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?!" So he says, "I'd like it just fine."

So the next day he doesn't see her, and the day after that he doesn't see her. By the third day he could make out shapes, but they were still pretty blurry...

There's something about this story that I like.

[Jawbone54]

A fishing boat gets lost at sea during a horrible storm. The next morning, two American men and one Chinaman from the boat wake up to find themselves stranded on the beach of a deserted island. After the shock wears off, they introduce themselves.

One American man says, "Hi, I'm Tom"

The other American says, "I'm Roger."

The Chinamen says, "My name Chang."

The three men nod at each other grimly and Tom, being the natural leader of the three, takes a look around the island and begins formulating a plan. He says, "Roger, why don't you go that way along the beach, walk around the island, and see how big it is. While you're at it, I'm going to go into the jungle and see if I can find any fresh water." Roger nods in agreement, then starts walking along the beach.

Tom takes a good look at Chang. Realizing that Chang speaks very little English, Tom points to the jungle and says, "Chang. Can you find supplies?" Chang looks confused, so Tom repeats himself: "Supplies..."

Chang starts nodding furiously and smiling, shouting, "Ahhhh! Yes! Supplies! Yes!"

Tom says, "Very good, Chang! Very good! See ya in a little while, okay!"

Chang nods knowingly, repeating, "Yes. Supplies," before running into the jungle.

After a few hours, Tom and Roger, having met back up at their original place on the beach realize that something has evidently happened to Chang. Several weeks pass, and Chang never returns. The two men can find no trace of the Chinaman. One morning, Tom awakes to find a boat within a few hundred yards of the island.

"Roger!" he cries. "Look! A boat! HEYYYYY!!!"

Roger leaps to his feet and begins jumping excitedly with Tom. The boat starts coming closer, and the men leap in excitement as they realize that they are indeed being rescued. As the boat anchors nearby and they send a lifeboat to the two men, Tom looks back sadly at the jungle. He can't help himself, so he asks his rescuers, "Hey, there was a guy with us when we first got here and I just can't leave until I find some sign of his body or whatever happened to him. Is it okay if I take just a few minutes to look around in that jungle?" They nod in approval, so Tom starts walking into the jungle.

Suddenly Tom is frightened out of his mind as Chang, alive and well, jumps from behind a tree, waving his arms wildly and smiling like a mad man, screaming, "SUPPLIIIIIIES!!!"

[Macfreak7]

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his Wife.

"Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All 10 million dollars of it.... Woooohooo"



"That's great sweetie," she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just **** off!"

[abe]

Originally Posted by Jawbone54

A fishing boat gets lost at sea during a horrible storm. The next morning, two American men and one Chinaman from the boat wake up to find themselves stranded on the beach of a deserted island. After the shock wears off, they introduce themselves.

One American man says, "Hi, I'm Tom"

The other American says, "I'm Roger."

The Chinamen says, "My name Chang."

The three men nod at each other grimly and Tom, being the natural leader of the three, takes a look around the island and begins formulating a plan. He says, "Roger, why don't you go that way along the beach, walk around the island, and see how big it is. While you're at it, I'm going to go into the jungle and see if I can find any fresh water." Roger nods in agreement, then starts walking along the beach.

Tom takes a good look at Chang. Realizing that Chang speaks very little English, Tom points to the jungle and says, "Chang. Can you find supplies?" Chang looks confused, so Tom repeats himself: "Supplies..."

Chang starts nodding furiously and smiling, shouting, "Ahhhh! Yes! Supplies! Yes!"

Tom says, "Very good, Chang! Very good! See ya in a little while, okay!"

Chang nods knowingly, repeating, "Yes. Supplies," before running into the jungle.

After a few hours, Tom and Roger, having met back up at their original place on the beach realize that something has evidently happened to Chang. Several weeks pass, and Chang never returns. The two men can find no trace of the Chinaman. One morning, Tom awakes to find a boat within a few hundred yards of the island.

"Roger!" he cries. "Look! A boat! HEYYYYY!!!"

Roger leaps to his feet and begins jumping excitedly with Tom. The boat starts coming closer, and the men leap in excitement as they realize that they are indeed being rescued. As the boat anchors nearby and they send a lifeboat to the two men, Tom looks back sadly at the jungle. He can't help himself, so he asks his rescuers, "Hey, there was a guy with us when we first got here and I just can't leave until I find some sign of his body or whatever happened to him. Is it okay if I take just a few minutes to look around in that jungle?" They nod in approval, so Tom starts walking into the jungle.

Suddenly Tom is frightened out of his mind as Chang, alive and well, jumps from behind a tree, waving his arms wildly and smiling like a mad man, screaming, "SUPPLIIIIIIES!!!"

Very nice!

[Spliffdaddy]

Originally Posted by Macfreak7

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his Wife.

"Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All 10 million dollars of it.... Woooohooo"



"That's great sweetie," she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just **** off!"

^

[abe]

Originally Posted by Spliffdaddy

^

For about a year this was one of my favorite jokes. You know, the one you carry around in your brain when you NEED to tell a joke virtually guaranteed to get a laugh?? This was the one I carried.

[Cadaver]

A father walks in to his son's room and interrupts him masturbating furiously.
Shocked, he steps in further, turns and says, "Son, if you keep that up, you'll go blind."
His son says, "Dad, I'm over here!"

[mac1896]

I'd really like to claim this as my own, but I just can't bring myself to.........

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0001556.html

[mac1896]

This one's mine though:

3 religious leaders (a Baptist, a Rabbi, and a Televangelist) are talking together about how they divide up the money they've collected from their church members.

Baptist Minister: " Well, I draw a BIG circle on the ground and I stand in the middle of it. Then I throw all the money up in the air, and whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle belongs to God."

Rabbi: " Indeed. My method is very similar, as I draw a line on the ground and stand on one side or the other, and throw all the money up into the air. Whatever lands on the side opposite me goes to God."

Televangelist: " Oh, my way is much simpler than both of your ways. I throw all the money up in the air, and whatever God catches, He can keep."

[Teronzhul]

Newton Crosby says hi.

[abe]

Originally Posted by Teronzhul

Newton Crosby says hi.

Sorry, I will neither confirm nor deny knowledge of this person.

[abe]

Originally Posted by mac1896

This one's mine though:

3 religious leaders (a Baptist, a Rabbi, and a Televangelist) are talking together about how they divide up the money they've collected from their church members.

Baptist Minister: " Well, I draw a BIG circle on the ground and I stand in the middle of it. Then I throw all the money up in the air, and whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle belongs to God."

Rabbi: " Indeed. My method is very similar, as I draw a line on the ground and stand on one side or the other, and throw all the money up into the air. Whatever lands on the side opposite me goes to God."

Televangelist: " Oh, my way is much simpler than both of your ways. I throw all the money up in the air, and whatever God catches, He can keep."

Sorry. I heard that one when I was a grasshopper.

[abe]

Originally Posted by mac1896

I'd really like to claim this as my own, but I just can't bring myself to.........

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0001556.html

I find a flaw in the logic of this one. But the punch line is good.

[abe]

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

[abe]

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea."


There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.

[jamil5454]

The short ones are the best:

-------------------------------------------
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, "You know, you have a steering wheel in your pants..."
The pirate replies, "Aarrrrrrghhh, it drives me nuts!"
-------------------------------------------


-------------------------------------------
A bear walked into a bar, approached the bartender and said,
"Give me one... ...beer, please."
The bartender responded, "Why the big pause?"
-------------------------------------------


-------------------------------------------
A dyslexic guy walked into a bra.
-------------------------------------------


-------------------------------------------
What did one candle say to the other?
"Wanna go out tonight?"
-------------------------------------------


Just a few off the top of my head

[ism]

Originally Posted by Macfreak7

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his Wife.

"Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All 10 million dollars of it.... Woooohooo"



"That's great sweetie," she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just **** off!"

Being married (1st anniversary tomorrow), I love these kind of jokes. That was pure class. In fact I might save that for tomorrow.

[zmcgill]

Originally Posted by abe

You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he swam into the cement wall? Dam.

[Jawbone54]

A big mushroom walks into a bar, and spots the hottest woman in the place immediately. He walks up and takes a seat on the stool next to her. After trying to make small talk and getting shut down by the woman, the mushroom finally snaps and questions, "Hey, what's the deal? Why are you ignoring me?"

The woman sneers and says, "You're not really my type."

The mushroom shrugs his shoulders and asks, "Why not? I'm really a fungi."

[abe]

Originally Posted by ism

Being married (1st anniversary tomorrow), I love these kind of jokes. That was pure class. In fact I might save that for tomorrow.

Uh, I would be careful using that on the wife. Trust me, that's NOT what she wants you to be thinking about on the first anniversary. (Or at ALL...) Yes, it's a woman thing. But ignore it at your own peril!

[abe]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well - she says, responding very carefully - I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

[abe]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[ism]

Originally Posted by abe

Uh, I would be careful using that on the wife. Trust me, that's NOT what she wants you to be thinking about on the first anniversary. (Or at ALL...) Yes, it's a woman thing. But ignore it at your own peril!

I was thinking it'd spice things up a bit.

[mac1896]

Originally Posted by abe

Sorry. I heard that one when I was a grasshopper.

Well, I'm old enough to be a grasshoppers daddy, so we probably heard it around the same time.......

[mac1896]

In the Executive Wing of a large office building, a brunette and a blonde are together on an elevator. On one of the floors, a handsome Executive gets on, and immediately strikes up a conversation with both girls.

Both of the girls notice that the Exec has a rather bad case of dandruff, but neither girl says anything to the man.

After he gets to his floor and departs, the girls immediately begin discussing the Exec, and how tall and handsome he is, and of course, his dandruff problem.

Brunette: That poor man ! We should give him Head and Shoulders !

Blonde: Ummmmmm, how do you give a guy shoulders?



< shields self from flying rotten tomatoes >

[mac1896]

Originally Posted by Teronzhul

Newton Crosby says hi.

Newton Crosby scrambled = Cowboy Stern

[Jawbone54]

Originally Posted by abe

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[abe]

Originally Posted by ism

I was thinking it'd spice things up a bit.

Heh, heh...that might do it.

[abe]

Originally Posted by mac1896

In the Executive Wing of a large office building, a brunette and a blonde are together on an elevator. On one of the floors, a handsome Executive gets on, and immediately strikes up a conversation with both girls.

Both of the girls notice that the Exec has a rather bad case of dandruff, but neither girl says anything to the man.

After he gets to his floor and departs, the girls immediately begin discussing the Exec, and how tall and handsome he is, and of course, his dandruff problem.

Brunette: That poor man ! We should give him Head and Shoulders !

Blonde: Ummmmmm, how do you give a guy shoulders?



< shields self from flying rotten tomatoes >

[abe]

Originally Posted by mac1896

Well, I'm old enough to be a grasshoppers daddy, so we probably heard it around the same time.......

[abe]

Originally Posted by mac1896

Newton Crosby scrambled = Cowboy Stern

Very Clever!

[abe]

Originally Posted by Jawbone54

Yeah, I cried with laughter when I read it!

[Jawbone54]

I saved the monkey/cue ball joke and sent it to my family members and a few friends. Right up my family's alley...no pun intended.

[Teronzhul]

Originally Posted by mac1896

Newton Crosby scrambled = Cowboy Stern

Newton Crosby told that joke to Number 5 in the 1986 movie 'Short Circuit.' I've seen it a few too many times I suppose. It was the first thing I thought of when I read it.

[zmcgill]

Originally Posted by Jawbone54

I saved the monkey/cue ball joke and sent it to my family members and a few friends. Right up my family's alley...no pun intended.

I don't get it. Your family has an ally?

[abe]

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quiet."

Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

Curious, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

[abe]

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."

The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.

To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a *&%$@# , but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

...

[mac1896]

Originally Posted by abe

Very Clever!

D'oh !!

Not clever enough, I just realized that I forgot the 2nd "N".

I guess it'll have to be Crownboy Nest (my god............that sounds gay !)

D'oh ! D'oh !

[abe]

Originally Posted by mac1896

D'oh !!

Not clever enough, I just realized that I forgot the 2nd "N".

I guess it'll have to be Crownboy Nest (my god............that sounds gay !)

D'oh ! D'oh !

[abe]

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

[ism]

A farmer is kneeling down in the field mending a gate. As he is working on it, out of the corner of his eye he spies one of his sheep walking behind him, but something doesn't look quite right. He turns round to get a better look, but the sheep has skipped off.

A bit puzzled, but not thinking too much of it he gets back to mending the gate. A bit later he notices another sheep. This time he is quick enough and turns round to see a sheep with a pint of bitter balanced perfectly on it's back.

"Eh laddie where on earth d'ya get that pint a bitter?" says the suprised farmer to the sheep

"Baaaaa"

[ism]

Originally Posted by abe

Heh, heh...that might do it.

I chickened out of putting in her card - well I just couldn't be that cruel. I did tell it to her though and she did find it funny (she must have a sense of humour after all )

[abe]

Originally Posted by ism

I chickened out of putting in her card - well I just couldn't be that cruel. I did tell it to her though and she did find it funny (she must have a sense of humour after all )

I'm glad she laughed and I'm glad you were able to feel comfortable enough with her to share this little joke.

Don't say anything about it but over the next few days or weeks just keep a sharp eye for any subtle changes in her attitude.

One way or another.

And the sheep with the pint of bitter on it's back saying baaaa...I don't get the joke. Maybe it's a regional thing.

[zmcgill]

Originally Posted by abe

And the sheep with the pint of bitter on it's back saying baaaa...I don't get the joke. Maybe it's a regional thing.

Yeah, I read through it a couple times and didn't get it...

[analogika]

Where do you people get your beer?

[abe]

Originally Posted by analogika

Where do you people get your beer?

Seven Eleven. Safeway. Liquor store. AM PM mini mart.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaar...

Thanks. I wouldn't a got it without your question, laddie!

Reminds me of the New Englander who was talking about a friend of his who'd collapsed. He said something about 'hot' and I thought it was from heat stroke. Turns out he was saying the fella had a heart attack.

Hot = Heart (accent corrected)

Baaaaaa = Tavern.

[grayware]

Originally Posted by philm

On a related theme: a seal's least favourite drink? Canadian Club...on the rocks

A baby seal walks into Heather McCartney's leg.

[abe]

Originally Posted by grayware

A baby seal walks into Heather McCartney's leg.

"And here's another clue for you all, the walrus was Paul."*


* Lyric from the Beatles' song, Glass Onion

** Paul McCartney (Heather's soon to be ex) used to be in this band called, The Beatles.