[Tiresias]

What do you do if someone is getting on your nerves at work? Hold your tongue for the sake of a harmonious workplace? There's something to be said for that. On the other hand, putting someone in their place—especially if they're showing you disrespect—may be a better way of achieving that.

Advise, opinions, personal experiences, and absurdly irrelevant pics welcome.

[Knof8]

Depends on what it is and what's your work relationship with the other person.

In general though a good ol' back handed pimp slap works well to get people back in order.

[pooka]

I used to be known for having the cleanest monitor in our office. I would inspect it each morning before starting my day. It became a bit of a joke in our dept and one guy thought it would be funny to smear his freshly licked finger across my screen. I warned him to never do it again. Later in the week, he came to my workstation and started asking me a question. Mid sentence, he licked his finger and smeared it across my screen then scooted back to his area. Quite a few people thought this was extremely funny. I did not. To end this, I set fire to a cologne soaked stack of papers and threw them in his cubicle.

We became really good friends after that. Oh, and I was promoted to dept head.

[Chuckit]

I tell them to cut it out. If they're a normal person, they'll take a hint and cut it out and then we can be bestest buddies again. If they're a fragile little flower who can't handle being asked to stop an obnoxious behavior, we probably weren't getting along very well anyway, so no loss.

[Tiresias]

The problem with not saying something is the problem doesn't go away. In fact, it's probably gonna get worse because the person thinks you're a pushover and they can get away with it again.

I would now like you to seriously consider the following question: If someone does something inappropriate on Friday, you should say something on Friday. But if you are too discombobulated to do so, is it too late to take it up with them quietly on Monday?

Kind of makes it seem like you were brooding over it all weekend, but maybe that's still better than saying nothing, given the above point about a shot across the bows circumventing an eventual broadside. (A apt mix of metaphors, if I don't say so myself ).

[paul w]

You gotta be specific. What's going on exactly?

[MacosNerd]

If you have your head more together a day later, or the following monday, I see no problem in addressing it then. If they are acting Inappropriately then doing nothing will only make matters worse.

as the saying goes, take the bull by the horns, that of course doesn't mean you can be rude, but you certainly can address your concerns/issues in a professional manner even if the other party doesn't.

Depending on the seriousness of the situation, you may want to have somebody else there for moral support or help explain the situation as well.

[Tiresias]

I won't explain in precise detail my employment situation. I'll use an analogy.

Let's say I teach, I don't know, French. I am finishing up a class. Coworker B comes in and sees that I have been doing something with my class on a Friday afternoon that no one has told me not to do and that seems perfectly reasonable, like playing a game of Scrabble in French. He talks down to me in front of my students, tells me, like someone speaking to a child, not to do it again. It is very embarrassing to be talked to like that front of the students. I roll my eyes and leave.

Being a newb, and concerned that I have done something I was not meant to do, I speak with the Head of Faculty. I do not mention coworker B.

"Of course you can do that," says said Head of Faculty.

It dawns on me, now, that coworker B was very rude and rather unprofessional; however, on my way out, I magnanimously bid him goodnight. Coworker B shows me a huge grin, like a roaring furnace, and waves goodbye. Clearly, he is very pleased with himself. I suddenly regret my magnanimity.

And on the slow, meditative, crestfallen walk home? Ah, esprit de l'escalier, where were you ten minutes ago!?

[MacosNerd]

I think the analogy confuses the discussion more . Teaching a class and doing scrabble in french -
What exactly is the point of the analogy, doing scrabble when you shouldn't or teaching a french class when you don't know french?

If someone is talking down to you because of your lack of experience, then talk with him. If you were doing something that no one told you to do and/or have no experience with, then maybe he was right, and he just failed to convey that message in a way that you liked.

I agree with Paul W, you'd get better advice if people knew the specifics. Dancing around the situation with obtuse anaologies that make no sense only adds to the confusion.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Originally Posted by Tiresias 

I won't explain in precise detail my employment situation. I'll use an analogy.

Let's say I teach, I don't know, French. I am finishing up a class. Coworker B comes in and sees that I have been doing something with my class on a Friday afternoon that no one has told me not to do and that seems perfectly reasonable, like playing a game of Scrabble in French. He talks down to me in front of my students, tells me, like someone speaking to a child, not to do it again. It is very embarrassing to be talked to like that front of the students. I roll my eyes and leave.

Being a newb, and concerned that I have done something I was not meant to do, I speak with the Head of Faculty. I do not mention coworker B.

"Of course you can do that," says said Head of Faculty.

It dawns on me, now, that coworker B was very rude and rather unprofessional; however, on my way out, I magnanimously bid him goodnight. Coworker B shows me a huge grin, like a roaring furnace, and waves goodbye. Clearly, he is very pleased with himself. I suddenly regret my magnanimity.

And on the slow, meditative, crestfallen walk home? Ah, esprit de l'escalier, where were you ten minutes ago!?

Being evil, I'd set up a situation where he will stumble into you actually doing what he "reprimanded" you for. If he tries to crap again, you can shut him down, or he'll be sheepish since you've thrown your defiance in his face.

[Tiresias]

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

I think the analogy confuses the discussion more . Teaching a class and doing scrabble in french -
What exactly is the point of the analogy, doing scrabble when you shouldn't or teaching a french class when you don't know french?

If someone is talking down to you because of your lack of experience, then talk with him. If you were doing something that no one told you to do and/or have no experience with, then maybe he was right, and he just failed to convey that message in a way that you liked.

I agree with Paul W, you'd get better advice if people knew the specifics. Dancing around the situation with obtuse anaologies that make no sense only adds to the confusion.

Steady on. No need to use insulting words.

The reality is sooooo freaking close to the analogy it cannot possibly have the slightest effect were I to correct a few minor details. Why alter a few minor details? A probably unnecessary precaution. This is, after all, public domain. Paranoia? You bet.

Let me clarify.

Who said anything about not speaking French?! I said I was new. I meant to the university, not the language. I am the most qualified, experienced, and fluent in the language I teach; therefore, I am also the highest paid though I do the least work, and it is no secret. There's a bit of sour grapes about this. A coworker spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my students for playing a language-related game on a Friday afternoon. I spoke to Head of Faculty about playing games in class. He assured me that was okay; in fact, encouraged. Thus, my coworker was totally out of line: both in speaking to me the way he did when and where he did, and with respect to what he spoke to me about.

M'kay?

And because I'm the new guy, I decided to bite my tongue. I suspect that was a mistake, for reasons I have already described.

[Uncle Doof]

Originally Posted by Tiresias 

What do you do if someone is getting on your nerves at work?

I fire them.

[Tiresias]

But if they got on your nerves on Friday, would you fire them in French over Scrabble on a UFO with bats in your brassiere on Monday?

Why not, I say. This thread is going to hell anyway.

[Tiresias]

Originally Posted by Dakar the Fourth 

Being evil, I'd set up a situation where he will stumble into you actually doing what he "reprimanded" you for. If he tries to crap again, you can shut him down, or he'll be sheepish since you've thrown your defiance in his face.

Best advice so far. Why didn't I think of that?

I thank thee, O Dark Counselor.

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by Tiresias 

Steady on. No need to use insulting words.

The reality is sooooo freaking close to the analogy it cannot possibly have the slightest effect were I to correct a few minor details. Why alter a few minor details? A probably unnecessary precaution. This is, after all, public domain. Paranoia? You bet.

Let me clarify.

Who said anything about not speaking French?! I said I was new. I meant to the university, not the language. I am the most qualified, experienced, and fluent in the language I teach; therefore, I am also the highest paid though I do the least work, and it is no secret. There's a bit of sour grapes about this. A coworker spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my students for playing a language-related game on a Friday afternoon. I spoke to Head of Faculty about playing games in class. He assured me that was okay; in fact, encouraged. Thus, my coworker was totally out of line: both in speaking to me the way he did when and where he did, and with respect to what he spoke to me about.

M'kay?

And because I'm the new guy, I decided to bite my tongue. I suspect that was a mistake, for reasons I have already described.

Personally, I'd leave it be for now. I rarely find it's worth my time to dredge up one-off events. If he tries something again, show him the back of your hand.

[Tiresias]

Yes. Chuckit's right.

Always listen to the little white fellow with the harp on your left shoulder.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Originally Posted by Tiresias 

Best advice so far. Why didn't I think of that?

I thank thee, O Dark Counselor.

On the Grade A Dick Move scale, you could create a false pretense that you need his help for a class, only for him to show up to your Scrabble game, at which point you make a big show of having changed your mind and dismiss him as unneeded.

But I think chances are you'll have an enemy after that scenario. It's overkill.

[Uncle Doof]

If you're not in a position to fire anyone, then this...

Originally Posted by Chuckit 

Personally, I'd leave it be for now. I rarely find it's worth my time to dredge up one-off events. If he tries something again, show him the back of your hand.

...is the best way to go about it.

Unless you have a really sharp sword and some skillz.

[Atheist]

I'm not quite sure I see what the big deal is. So what some idiot "talked down" to you? It's all about perspective. How important is this person to you? Can their words actually hurt or affect you? (Is your ego that easily bruised?) If this person directly influences how you are judged by your superiors then you should go directly to him and discuss it in an adult manner. Otherwise, ignore him.

[Tiresias]

Originally Posted by Dakar the Fourth 

On the Grade A Dick Move scale, you could create a false pretense that you need his help for a class, only for him to show up to your Scrabble game, at which point you make a big show of having changed your mind and dismiss him as unneeded.

[Tiresias]

Originally Posted by Atheist 

How important is this person to you?

He is an insect on my lapel.

Originally Posted by Atheist 

Can their words actually hurt or affect you?

Yes. I am hypersensitive.

Originally Posted by Atheist 

(Is your ego that easily bruised?)

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

(See above )

Originally Posted by Atheist 

If this person directly influences how you are judged by your superiors...

He does not.

Originally Posted by Atheist 

Otherwise, ignore him.

I will. Thanks.

I guess I just needed a little, what's the word, abreaction.

This has been a most instructive and profitable exercise. I'm serious.

Thanks MacNN.

[Gankdawg]

I would set the building on fire (after I rescue my Swingline stapler of course).

[MacosNerd]

Originally Posted by Tiresias 

Steady on. No need to use insulting words.

Insulting words, I just said that the analogy confused the thread, and detracted from it

I am the most qualified, experienced, and fluent in the language I teach; therefore, I am also the highest paid though I do the least work,

that would be a viable reason for your co-workers to have sour grapes. If I got the biggest check and did the least amount of work, I wouldn't be too popular either.

I spoke to Head of Faculty about playing games in class. He assured me that was okay; in fact, encouraged. Thus, my coworker was totally out of line: both in speaking to me the way he did when and where he did, and with respect to what he spoke to me about.

Does your coworker know of this conversation, is there a policy allowing people to play games or is this a special allowance extended to you?

Because of your self-described situation, most paid least hard working, tact may be your best option and being quiet on this subject may be more beneficial then creating a larger issue.

[Tiresias]

Because one quotestack begets another...

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

Insulting words, I just said that the analogy confused the thread, and detracted from it

No one likes the word "obtuse" to be used in connection with them. But then, as well as "dim witted", the word has the second though much less common meaning, "difficult to understand." Perhaps that's what you meant. Bygones.

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

Does your coworker know of this conversation, is there a policy allowing people to play games or is this a special allowance extended to you?

No to the first question. There's absolutely no policy against language-based games on Friday afternoon, or any other day, which is what makes the whole episode so freaking weird.

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

Because of your self-described situation, most paid least hard working, tact may be your best option and being quiet on this subject may be more beneficial then creating a larger issue.

I think you're right. Too often I get caught up in the moment and neglect the bigger picture.

I appreciate your and everyone else's thoughtful advice.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

Insulting words, I just said that the analogy confused me

That's better.

[Face Ache]

Play Scrabble next Friday. If your co-worker says anything, challenge him to a duel.

[Ghoser777]

Specifically this kind of duel:

[zro]

**** the chick he's got his eye on.

Or just shrug it off until he steps in it again at which point let him know in no uncertain terms his "advice" was neither solicited nor warranted and invite him to get himself back to his own work.

Or steal his stapler. Whichever.

[OreoCookie]

I'd have to say that the answer depends on whether he is senior or not. If he is not, I would talk to him directly, but not in front of others. If he is senior to you (e. g. more qualified, a lot more experience), then you might just have to accept it.

I don't want to get into detail, but last year, I had a problem with a co-worker. He is more senior, but initially we agreed to split certain tasks of a project and on a non-interference principle (both, because of convenience and skill set). But he would continually meddle in my responsibilities, because I didn't do it `his way.' Very often, he wouldn't talk to me though, but communicate indirectly via the head of department. The big boss tried to negotiate and asked us to split tasks. Yet that didn't work out and instead of talking to me the other guy continued complaining and eventually cced all e-mails to the department head to pressure me into submission. Because I'm young, stubborn and inexperienced in these matters, I tried to solve it by talking to him directly. Eventually the other guy asked our boss to continue the project on his own (again, not directly, but via our boss).

Later on, that guy asked me for help and basically threatened me in front of the others to `shut up this time.' I agreed (I couldn't refuse) and I let it slide. I guess that guy was pretty proud of himself

[UnixMac]

Originally Posted by Tiresias 

What do you do if someone is getting on your nerves at work? Hold your tongue for the sake of a harmonious workplace? There's something to be said for that. On the other hand, putting someone in their place—especially if they're showing you disrespect—may be a better way of achieving that.

Advise, opinions, personal experiences, and absurdly irrelevant pics welcome.

Well, allow me to discuss it in terms of my profession which isn't necessarily a good example of the office work place.

In my line of work, it's a bit odd in that by law, the boss is actually legally a sort of "god" in the "office".. we're pilots, and in a cockpit, our office with sometimes 3 or 4 pilots, and as many as 12 flight attendants, he has full and final authority, period as per the Federal Air Regulations (FARS)...

(shouldn't start a sentence with this) BUT, if he's an arse, or unnecessarily harsh in his ways, it's not out of line to tell him to chill, and to take it to his superior after you're back on the ground where he's no longer your boss (at least until you fly again). On rare occasions there has been out right fist fights after a flight as a result of a over baring captain and an FO who will not put up with his BS.. I've been both a captain and a first officer/other crew, and I've found that my best conflict resolutions have been where I bite my tongue and try to turn the tone of the conversation/debate more positive.. I've had both captains and FO's who are difficult to get on with and it's worked with both, a superior and a subordinate..

One other odd thing about my profession that I don't imagine is typical of your work place is that it's not what you know but how long you've been there that usually makes you the "boss"... Sometimes you can have a captain with literally 1500 hours of flight time in one type of jet (say a small regional jet) with a first officer who's flown 30 years, 20,000 hours in everything form military fighters to 747's.. as is the case right now with the failure of ATA and some of their pilots having to take any job they can find, including one at a "regional" airline like Compass. I know of this case specifically and it's an example of what's wrong with my profession!

[Tiresias]

Interesting, UnixMac. It must be tough on the long-hauls if your cabin-mate is a jerk. There's nowhere to go. But you could always vent on your passengers: He he he.

[UnixMac]

good one Tiresias.. youtube is amazing these days.

[Tiresias]

Pretty incredible about the fist fight. Were the two laid off?

It comes as quite a surprise to me. Being a pilot seems an awesome job, and I tend to imagine pilots as highly contented. The rush of flying planes, the travel, good pay, hanky-panky with sexy stewardesses, UFO spotting.

I guess the world is so rife with jerks that one will turn up no matter what your line of work.

[mattyb]

I didn't read every reply, but I'd organise another Scrabble game and invite him with something along the lines of :

That advice you gave me to not play Scrabble, I decided to ignore it. The students would like to see how you'd fare. Fancy a game?

[freudling]

Tiresias:

Aside from everything already said, my advice with workplace conflicts: you can't let it fester. You have to swiftly deal with it. Solve it at the lowest level, then, if you still have problems, take it up a notch. That means, talk to him first, and tell him exactly what your problem is. Put it in very simple, Steve Jobness terms. Then, sort of politely but quickly withdraw from the discussion and walk away like you really don't care about him, because you really don't.

If tension persists, talk to him again and be very personable, like, "We both have to work here... blah blah." If things still don't get worked out, go over his head and tell whoever exactly what happened. He should be spoken to about this acting like an attention starved child pointing his "perceived" faults in your teaching tactics.

Remember though, no matter what, if what you say is really what happened, then none of these problems are your fault... Don't let him or anyone else try and convince you that something is wrong with you for bringing up the issue.