[quandarry]

always run down the center of the street to avoid any possible obstacles or escape routes on either side of the road that may cause this car to **** up and therefore have your life saved!

i learned this tonite...thank gawd!... so i will have this knowledge when it happens to me like it did to the guy in the movie i saw...remember, follow the white line and run like hell!!!

[Jansar]

Which movie? Like Jacob's Ladder where the demonic people try to run him over in an alleyway or like Maximum Overdrive where large trucks possessed by an evil comet hit a bunch of people that try to outrun them?

[m a d r a]

also remember when being chased by another car while you're driving, continually look over your shoulder in panic, instead of concentrating on the road ahead. this will enable you to crash and die when a corner comes up suddenly.

[suprz's ghost]

and ALWAYS walk through a dark house saying "who's there?" when you believe there is someone in the house stalking you and trying to kill you....
NEVER get out of the house, or try to hide somewhere with your back against a solid wall and wait for daylight.

[m a d r a]

... and if by some quirk of good fortune you manage to 'kill' the intruder, why not leave the body in the hallway while you sit with your back to it, on the phone to the police. safe in the knowledge that he's definitely dead and not going to suddenly appear creeping up behind you, covered in blood, in an extreme close-up shot.

[suprz's ghost]

Originally posted by m a d r a:
... and if by some quirk of good fortune you manage to 'kill' the intruder, why not leave the body in the hallway while you sit with your back to it, on the phone to the police. safe in the knowledge that he's definitely dead and not going to suddenly appear creeping up behind you, covered in blood, in an extreme close-up shot.

[residentEvil]

i believe the movie would be 'christine'.

at least that was teh run down the middle scene i thought of.

[m a d r a]

if you've taken out hefty fire insurance on your barn, why not take an oil-lantern into it? every oil lantern that has ever been inside a barn in a movie has at some stage been smashed and caused a raging inferno. oil lamps serve no other purpose than being hay-bale ignition systems.

[suprz's ghost]

and let's not forget to actually swerve and hit the brakes and let the chasing car go right by you....

it always amazed how they never do that

[m a d r a]

... and while on the subject of technology. those of you who are currently working in the aerospace or advanced computer industry, should immediately begin to re-design your electrical systems so that they don't use fuses.

this will ensure that, if in the future your technology is being used for nefarious purposes by an evil genius, some hunky hero will be able to save the world for 'dee-maaahh-cracy' by simply smashing a chair into an instrument panel within said villain's underground complex or space station, thus setting off a chain reaction of spectacular electrical flashes and fires which will eventually cause the entire structure to explode in a gigantic fireball of doom [after the hero has made good his escape of course!]

[willed]

If, of course, you were lucky enough to get said possessed car to crash into an obstacle, it would naturally create a massive fireball-explosion-inferno, as we all know that petrol is a highly unstable and volatile chemical which ignites at the slightest knock.

[m a d r a]

Originally posted by willed:
......as we all know that petrol is a highly unstable and volatile chemical which ignites at the slightest knock.....

petrol?! - i thought they used nitro-glycerine as fuel in movieland.

[wulf]

It really doesn't matter. After your car goes over a cliff, rolls over half a dozen times and explodes, you'll be able to walk away from the burning wreck with nary a scratch.

As long as you're a "good guy" anyway.

[philzilla]

...and if a vampire/werewolf/madra is running after your car as you speed away, NEVER slam on the brakes, so that they go hurting over the roof. always make sure they can catch up to the fackin' motor

(same applies for motorbikes following you)

[m a d r a]

..... and women. whenever a nasty intruder grabs you by the hair or throat, remember to tell him shakily, "you're h-h-hurting me!" in case it was a misplaced attempt at tickling.

[Timo]

I find it essential to remember that when there's something out in the woods that needs investigating, people should go out by themselves, starting a five minute intervals. Alternatively, they should have sex while others stagger their investigation in the aforementioned five minute intervals.

[m a d r a]

adolf hitler - when trying to conquer the world remember to people your army with soldiers who can't tell the difference between a native german and a daring undercover american or british commando, dressed in nazi uniform saying "jah-vole hair oh-berst. ikk been derr foo-rerr. lessen me owss berlin gey-yen"

[oh. and while you're at it, why not just use completely deaf officers? then when the very same commandos who, after tricking their way past the guards, have just blown up half of one of your bases with TNT and machine-gunned their way through hundreds of your men suddenly burst into the kommandant's office, they can find him in a quasi-comical position with his trousers down fondling some stereo-type buxom german fraulein, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there is a major battle going on outside.]

[m a d r a]

wait! there's more...

actors. when playing a foreign character, remember to speak perfect english [albeit with a ham accent] apart from the words for "yes" & "no" and the words for "sir" & "madam" which you should always say in the native language of the character you are playing. this will add an incredible degree of authenticity to your performance.

[m a d r a]

hey! i'm firing now...

actors playing native americans in westerns. lend authenticity to your character's 'savage' origins by formulating complex and often deeply philosphical sentences in english but substituting the word "um" for "the" and "heap" for "very".

people dying of hunger or thirst. when meeting a potential rescuer conserve your body's precious remaining store of energy by not using the personal pronoun. instead utilise the less taxing "must.. have.. food..." or "need.. water..."

[Timo]

wow. that's a lot of m a d r a for one page.

[m a d r a]

Originally posted by Timo:
wow. that's a lot of m a d r a for one page. ]

one of my own personal bugbears. just wind me up and i'll rant all day.