[FulcrumPilot]

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

[Peter]

HAHA!

[G4ME]

that is pretty funny

[Oneota]

Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire


(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft


(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit


(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed


(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level


(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order


(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground


(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)


(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for


(P) Number three engine missing [As in, misfiring]
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search


(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious


(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[FulcrumPilot]

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.

Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked, they're all working.

[D'Espice]

Originally posted by Oneota:

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

LOVELY!

[busterhide]

Some colorful NVG commentary for your enjoyment

---------------------------------------
_Subject: C-130 Trash Hauler

There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting.

But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2003, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night
combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys. Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane. Who says you can't polish a turd? At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat's ass. But I've digressed...

The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I wouldn't bet my pink ass on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that's the real reason we fly it.

We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts. It's pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herk to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the
runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this maneuver the "Ninety/ Two-Seventy." Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing.

"Flaps Fifty!, Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!" I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat sh*tt*ng on a sheet of ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the NVGs, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at my steely-eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he's thinking the same thing I am - "Where do we find such fine young men?" "Flaps One Hundred!" I bark at the shaking cat.
Now it's all aimpoint and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there's no lights, I'm on NVGs, it's Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky.

Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the Goodyears on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air. The huge, one hundred thirty thousand pound, lumbering whisper pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let's see a Viper do that! We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued
Army grunts. It's time to download their beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam's home.

Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F, 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and thank God, not Allah, I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. Then I thank God I'm not in the Army.

Knowing once again I've cheated death, I ask myself, "What in the hell am I doing in this mess?" Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your ass. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal. There's probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model. It is however, time to get out of this sh*t-h*le.

"Hey copilot, clean yourself up! And how's 'bout the 'Before Starting
Engines Checklist'?"

God, I love this job!

anon

[Spheric Harlot]

That one caused a ruckus the first time it was posted.

[badidea]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[badidea]

Quotes:


1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
-----------------------------------------------------------
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
--------------------------------------------------------
1. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

2. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

3. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

[Nivag]

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

[DigitalEl]

Not my joke, but...

During a particularly rough flight, the Captain comes on the PA and announces that they've lost an engine and are diverting to the nearest suitable airport for repairs.

One nervous flyer turns to his seatmate and asks "How far can we get on only one engine?" The seatmate, a frequent flyer, looking to liven things up at the expense of a stranger, replies dryly "I reckon, all the way to the crash site."

[Nivag]

my favourite one::
--

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.


So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.


Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."


The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.


Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

[D'Espice]

Originally posted by DigitalEl:
Not my joke, but...

During a particularly rough flight, the Captain comes on the PA and announces that they've lost an engine and are diverting to the nearest suitable airport for repairs.

One nervous flyer turns to his seatmate and asks "How far can we get on only one engine?" The seatmate, a frequent flyer, looking to liven things up at the expense of a stranger, replies dryly "I reckon, all the way to the crash site."

I actually overheard something very similar on one of my flights to the States. The captain was like "and just to reassure you, in case of one or even two of our engines failing there is no need to worry, we will still make it to the next airport" and right behind me, a woman said something like "how on earth are we going to make it across the ocean on only one engine? How far will the plane actually get?" and her husband was like "relax honey, I'm sure we'll make it to the crash site". Even the flight attendants had to laugh just like everybody else around those two.

[Twilly Spree]

Originally posted by FulcrumPilot:
Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.

Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked, they're all working.

[Lancer409]

hilarious. thanks .. everyone should wake up to this =)

[BlueSky]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads though the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to looks as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Tony, one of these days they're gonna scream a moment too late, then we're all screwed."

[Peter]

Originally posted by Bluesky:
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads though the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to looks as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Tony, one of these days, they're gonna scream a moment too late, and we're all screwed."

[DeathToWindows]

snort^3

I was on a flight once where the flight attendants were making pilot jokes over the PA until the pilot came on and said:

"And remember folks, why do we have flight attendants on our flights?
"Because we can't fit a coke machine on the flight deck."

[iREZ]

this thread plane sucks........oh yeah .

[MountainMac]

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Yes, I know it's not a plane joke, but I found it funny and in the same vein. It's not true either (saw it on snopes), but it's funnier if you think it is.

[d4nth3m4n]

oh the mileage the light house joke has gotten in here the last few weeks.

still funny though.

this thread totally made my morning this morning. 100% with lancer on that one.