[budster101]

A teacher friend posted this on another forum and I'd thought I would share:

"These are real answers given by children:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight."

Funny.
Anyone have some more?

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by budster101

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Seconded.
When are they gonna start selling WHOLE cows in the grocery stores ?

-t

[Eriamjh]

Don't cows get majorly upset if they aren't milked?

[turtle777]

No. Not if you do it right. You shouldn't put the cow in the fridge though, they don't like it that cold...

-t

[paul w]

They're wearing leather, they can handle a little chilliness.

[boots]

There's a book of these somewhere. My favorite is one that says "Francis Drake circumcised the world with an 100 foot clipper." Ouch!

[tooki]

Non Campus Mentis is the book.

tooki

[Sarc]

Originally Posted by budster101

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

pure gold

[Sir Arthur Dent]

Wow, they really do say the darndest things.

[E's Lil Theorem]

I've posted these before in other threads, but they're worth it.


Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay:

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  Joseph Romm, Washington
  
• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
  
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  Russell Beland, Springfield
  
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
  Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
  
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  Roy Ashley, Washington
  
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
  
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  Russell Beland, Springfield
  
• Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets Tflw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
  Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
  
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  Unknown
  
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
  
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
  
• Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
  Russell Beland, Springfield
  
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  Jennifer Hart, Arlington
  
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.
  
• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
  Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.
  
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  Russell Beland, Springfield
  
• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
  
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
  Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
  
• The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  Unknown

From here.

One of my favorites from above:

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Russell Beland, Springfield

[Person Man]

Originally Posted by boots

There's a book of these somewhere. My favorite is one that says "Francis Drake circumcised the world with an 100 foot clipper." Ouch!

Anguished English, by Richard Lederer

[jasonsRX7]

Originally Posted by E's Lil Theorem

I've posted these before in other threads, but they're worth it.
Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay:
snipsnipsnip

Haha I lawled at several of those

[wdlove]

Originally Posted by Sir Arthur Dent

Wow, they really do say the darndest things.

Yes, it reminded me of Art Linkletter and his show with "Kids."

[legacyb4]

My son, out at the park:

"Why do flies sit on poop?"