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Questions about sex/dating/stuff. Should be interesting.
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downinflames68
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Sep 29, 2009, 03:53 PM
 
So..... I'm officially single on Friday. Weird. This summer has been bizarre, so here's a bunch of things I'm wondering about.

Anyway... what are your thoughts on the following?

1. Sex without any relationship... I mean, seems kind of weird, right? What about what happens when you form a bond? Emotionally? Ever experience more sex, but less intimacy in a relationship? Why does that happen?

2. Sex on the first date. Now what? Does it make things awkward? Where do you really go from there? Good idea, bad idea? What if you want things to ... last? What if you already did? Then what?

All this **** is confusing and weird.
     
RAILhead
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:17 PM
 
Maybe grow up a little so that sex isn't the only thing you think about?
"Everything's so clear to me now: I'm the keeper of the cheese and you're the lemon merchant. Get it? And he knows it.
That's why he's gonna kill us. So we got to beat it. Yeah. Before he let's loose the marmosets on us."
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SpaceMonkey
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:17 PM
 
Oh no.

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design219
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:21 PM
 
Originally Posted by downinflames68 View Post
2. Sex on the first date. Now what? Does it make things awkward? Where do you really go from there?
It depends on the people. I had sex with my wife on our first date and we're happily married for 13 years now, plus 3 years in relationship before that. But we knew we were right for each other right from the start.

I guess I wouldn't recommend it if the idea of a long-term relationship seems at all questionable at the start.
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The Final Dakar
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:21 PM
 
...and we're off!
     
design219
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:23 PM
 
Two pages before 6 P.M. Eastern (U.S.) Time?
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My stupid iPhone game: Nesen Probe, it's rather old, annoying and pointless, but it's free.
Was free. Now it's gone. Never to be seen again.
Off to join its brother and sister apps that could not
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The Final Dakar
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:25 PM
 
Nah, this place doesn't do that anymore.
     
sek929
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:30 PM
 
Originally Posted by RAILhead View Post
Maybe grow up a little so that sex isn't the only thing you think about?
Hey now, that's just the amputated toe talking.
     
Oisín
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:36 PM
 
Originally Posted by sek929 View Post
Hey now, that's just the amputated toe talking.


Personally, I haven’t been on a date (an actual date) that didn’t end in sex on the first date (except one blind date that ended about five minutes after it started, with me vacating the premises as quickly as I could). But then again, I’m not much of a dater.
     
Spheric Harlot
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:46 PM
 
Originally Posted by The Final Dakar View Post
Nah, this place doesn't do it anymore.
Cor-rect!
     
design219
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Sep 29, 2009, 04:53 PM
 
I miss the good old days.
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My stupid iPhone game: Nesen Probe, it's rather old, annoying and pointless, but it's free.
Was free. Now it's gone. Never to be seen again.
Off to join its brother and sister apps that could not
keep up with the ever updating iOS. RIP Nesen Probe.
     
Captain Obvious
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Sep 29, 2009, 05:11 PM
 
Originally Posted by downinflames68 View Post
1. Sex without any relationship... I mean, seems kind of weird, right?
The idea that the two things are necessarily interdependent died about 50 years ago.

What about what happens when you form a bond? Emotionally?
If its not there at the start then the odds of that happening at all increase only after about two months of screwing the same person. Usually people get bored before then and walk away.

Ever experience more sex, but less intimacy in a relationship? Why does that happen?
A person tends to project onto others good qualities they don't have before they get to know them because they are attracted to them. It builds a whole series of baseless emotions. As you get to know them the reality of who they are usually wipes that away.
That doesn't mean that the girl doesn't have value though.
Not everyone on the planet was put here for the same purpose. Its possible, actually very likely, some girls are just here to be walking and talking vaginas. Accept this and everything you asked in Q.2 doesn't matter.

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pooka
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Sep 29, 2009, 05:12 PM
 
I've read (recently) that chicks dig champagne & quaaludes. And that they can get you laid by the second date. Scoring on the first seems a little aggressive.

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hyteckit
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Sep 29, 2009, 05:17 PM
 
Originally Posted by sek929 View Post
Hey now, that's just the amputated toe talking.
Which toe was amputated?
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Shaddim
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Sep 29, 2009, 05:30 PM
 
I've done both; sex without dating and dating without sex. I've always preferred the former.

In all seriousness, it depends on the people. I knew Kim for years before we had sex, and we lived with Sarra for a month before she and I were intimate. In contrast, my ex-wife and I went at it like wild rabbits after only an hour. My vote is to study their personalities for a while first, if you're looking for more than just entertainment.
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Sep 29, 2009, 05:30 PM
 
My thoughts?

Stop thinking so much about it. Just let things progress naturally. Relationships/sex aren't intellectual pursuits.
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hyteckit
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Sep 29, 2009, 05:36 PM
 
Which is better:

1. Sex while sober

2. Sex while under the influence - alcohol or drugs
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June 2003: 129,839,000 employed
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Atheist
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Sep 29, 2009, 06:16 PM
 
Originally Posted by smacintush View Post
Stop thinking so much about it. Just let things progress naturally. Relationships/sex aren't intellectual pursuits.
Agreed!

Rule #1: There are no rules when it comes to relationships/dating.
     
sek929
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Sep 29, 2009, 06:25 PM
 
Originally Posted by hyteckit View Post
Which is better:

1. Sex while sober

2. Sex while under the influence - alcohol or drugs
Both please.
     
Oisín
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Sep 29, 2009, 06:29 PM
 
Originally Posted by sek929 View Post
Both please.
Simultaneously?

(Can’t answer—only ever tried 1)
     
Salty
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Sep 29, 2009, 06:39 PM
 
I think with very few exceptions sex is almost always better when you at least care about the person.
     
sek929
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Sep 29, 2009, 06:44 PM
 
I've done all variations. Me sober, her drunk. Me drunk her sober. Me high her drunk. Both of us high as kites.

Best sex is both parties freshly stoned, or both parties dead sober. Drunk sex is unfulfilling.
     
Oisín
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Sep 29, 2009, 06:50 PM
 
Originally Posted by sek929
I've done all variations. Me sober, her drunk. Me drunk her sober. Me high her drunk. Both of us high as kites.
Oh yeah. Failed to take into consideration in my previous joke-post that both simultaneously is actually fully possible.

Duh.
     
ShortcutToMoncton
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Sep 29, 2009, 07:21 PM
 
Originally Posted by Salty View Post
I think with very few exceptions sex is almost always better when you at least care about the person.
Not a hard and fast rule.

little dirty joke there

I've had some of the best sex of my life when I had no intention of dating a girl, and/or wasn't even really about to become "friends."

(Although I can't say the same about their/her feelings of course.)

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Andy8
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Sep 29, 2009, 07:31 PM
 
Originally Posted by ShortcutToMoncton View Post
I've had some of the best sex of my life when I had no intention of dating a girl, and/or wasn't even really about to become "friends."
Exactly.
     
Oisín
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Sep 29, 2009, 07:42 PM
 
Originally Posted by ShortcutToMoncton View Post
Not hard and fast as a rule.
*childish snigger*
     
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Sep 29, 2009, 08:00 PM
 
Originally Posted by Oisín View Post


Personally, I haven’t been on a date (an actual date) that didn’t end in sex on the first date (except one blind date that ended about five minutes after it started, with me vacating the premises as quickly as I could). But then again, I’m not much of a dater.
Not much of a dater or just a hussy?
I am going to pick hussy.
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Oisín
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Sep 29, 2009, 08:29 PM
 
Originally Posted by Rumor View Post
Not much of a dater or just a hussy?
I am going to pick hussy.
Erm … both, probably.
     
wallinbl
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Sep 29, 2009, 08:34 PM
 
Originally Posted by Oisín View Post
Personally, I haven’t been on a date (an actual date) that didn’t end in sex on the first date
Don't you date men? Seems like that would make sex much more likely, since men don't make it emotional or require being in the right mood.
     
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Sep 29, 2009, 09:36 PM
 
Go listen to 30 or 40 of Dan Savage’s podcast. Sorry, “Lovecast”. If still confused, you’ll at least be entertained.
     
ghporter
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Sep 29, 2009, 10:51 PM
 
Originally Posted by RAILhead View Post
Maybe grow up a little so that sex isn't the only thing you think about?
It was my impression that "withholding" on the part of the about-to-be ex is part of the issue leading to the "exness." Which probably means our friend is far less familiar with the subject of this thread than he feels he should be. Like he's been conditioned to think this way.

Downinflames, on a similar thought to Maury's, I'd suggest leaving sex OUT of any and all expectations. Look for relationships, both friendly and "more than friendly," and let things that might happen happen. Expectations tend to lead us astray in very ugly ways...

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LegendaryPinkOx
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Sep 30, 2009, 01:47 AM
 
Originally Posted by hyteckit View Post
Which is better:

1. Sex while sober

2. Sex while under the influence - alcohol or drugs
A particularly virile concoction of lsd and mdma has resulted in a 5 hour orgasm.

Not that I myself would condone such activities...
are you lightfooted?
     
LegendaryPinkOx
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Sep 30, 2009, 01:50 AM
 
Also you'll have to be aroused at the thought of hair being alive.
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mattyb
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Sep 30, 2009, 07:25 AM
 
Originally Posted by LegendaryPinkOx View Post
A particularly virile concoction of lsd and mdma has resulted in a 5 hour orgasm. Not that I myself would condone such activities...
I've done lsd and mdma, but not together. Funny that with either one, I never even thought about sex.

Never found having sex when drunk that fulfilling.
     
downinflames68  (op)
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Sep 30, 2009, 11:07 AM
 
Originally Posted by ghporter View Post
It was my impression that "withholding" on the part of the about-to-be ex is part of the issue leading to the "exness." Which probably means our friend is far less familiar with the subject of this thread than he feels he should be. Like he's been conditioned to think this way.

Downinflames, on a similar thought to Maury's, I'd suggest leaving sex OUT of any and all expectations. Look for relationships, both friendly and "more than friendly," and let things that might happen happen. Expectations tend to lead us astray in very ugly ways...
More like I've been with the same girl for 7.5 years, til this summer. Now this is a totally different ballgame (zing!). I feel out of the loop, and I'm not sure what I think about what. Been trying new things, but still not sure what I feel about what. Oh, and I never have expectations.
     
downinflames68  (op)
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Sep 30, 2009, 11:09 AM
 
Originally Posted by LegendaryPinkOx View Post
Also you'll have to be aroused at the thought of hair being alive.
Heh.
     
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Sep 30, 2009, 11:51 AM
 
Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a woman who would bone on the first date. I don't want to have sex with a stranger. I'm also not keen on getting any diseases. I require complete STD tests for both of us before the fun begins.

The majority of women I have dated were very happy that I thought this way. YMMV.
     
shifuimam
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Sep 30, 2009, 12:20 PM
 
Sex without any relationship or dating can be fun, but for the love of God Almighty make absolutely certain the girl you're boning is fine with casual sex.

Girls take sex on a whole different level than guys do, and you can end up really fscking with a girl's head by doing her without any desire whatsoever for any level of commitment or monogamy. I know this from personal experience. If the girl you want to bone shows any indication of being emotionally attached to you or interested in a relationship, don't bother doing her. It's just going to mess with your head and could result in you being a relationship you don't want to be in.

*However*:

You've been in a relationship for a long time. I have no idea how old you are, but I think it's critical that you take some time off for yourself. Don't get into another relationship. Keep things casual with anyone you meet (which means that sex is probably a bad idea unless you want to have a fsckbuddy on the side, but that can also dick around with the minds of the girls you want to date). Stay out of commitment and figure out what you want out of yourself, your life, your career, and a potential mate/partner. It's really easy to get into another relationship, because that's been your modus operandi for so long. Avoid the urge to jump into commitment right away.

I stayed single for more than a year after I ended a two-and-a-half year relationship. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself, because it allowed me to take a good hard look at what I wanted out of a man, which enabled me to make much better choices about who I spent my time with.
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downinflames68  (op)
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Sep 30, 2009, 12:45 PM
 
Yeah. I've been dating quite a few this summer... with varied success. Seems like a lot of girls are complete flakes and confused, have daddy issues, all sorts of fun things. I did just meet a pretty amazing girl... like... jeez. I'm not looking for a relationship, AT ALL. But she's ****ing brilliant. Loves top gear, stickshift, cars, rally racing, has a job, owns her own house, recently divorced but been dating for 10 months, no kids, and totally gorgeous and a complete wildcat in the sack. So.

Yeah. Don't want a relationship... hopefully she feels the same way.
     
Oisín
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Sep 30, 2009, 12:48 PM
 
Originally Posted by wallinbl View Post
Don't you date men? Seems like that would make sex much more likely, since men don't make it emotional or require being in the right mood.
True. But I’ve also never been on more than, I think, four dates in my life (apart from the messed-up blind date alluded to above)—and I didn’t expect sex on any of them. It just sort of happened. One of them turned into a relationship, the others didn’t.
     
zerostar
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Sep 30, 2009, 12:57 PM
 
Originally Posted by downinflames68 View Post
Yeah. I've been dating quite a few this summer... with varied success. Seems like a lot of girls are complete flakes and confused, have daddy issues, all sorts of fun things. I did just meet a pretty amazing girl... like... jeez. I'm not looking for a relationship, AT ALL. But she's ****ing brilliant. Loves top gear, stickshift, cars, rally racing, has a job, owns her own house, recently divorced but been dating for 10 months, no kids, and totally gorgeous and a complete wildcat in the sack. So.

Yeah. Don't want a relationship... hopefully she feels the same way.
DON'T HOPE. Talk to her about it and things will progress much better for you.
     
downinflames68  (op)
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Sep 30, 2009, 01:03 PM
 
True.
     
finboy
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Sep 30, 2009, 03:38 PM
 
Originally Posted by shifuimam View Post
Don't get into another relationship.
This is really, really good advice for you, Ca$h. Think of this, too, as a kharmic enema -- you get to start over any way you want to. If you don't want to have casual sex (and the questions that you're bringing up, which are always there, lurking) then don't have casual sex and you won't have questions. Save yourself, this time, for the real thing. Start over. You said earlier you were trying to renew yourself -- do it for real. Push sex out of your mind (get a harsh workout routine, that might help).

Use this as a unique opportunity to make some decisions with the BIG head and not the LITTLE one (to cite "Used Cars").
     
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Sep 30, 2009, 06:08 PM
 
Don't believe anything anyone says. Including this.
     
downinflames68  (op)
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Sep 30, 2009, 06:52 PM
 
Finboy: Kind of surprised to hear you say that. I do have a workout routine, but why push sex out of the equation? Why would dating/sex be a bad thing? Honestly, at this point, since I was married for the past 6 years and with her for 2 years prior, I feel inexperienced compared to most people my age in the realm of dating. Seems to me I should date and screw everything possible to gain some perspective... right?
     
turtle777
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Sep 30, 2009, 07:53 PM
 
Originally Posted by downinflames68 View Post
Finboy: Kind of surprised to hear you say that. I do have a workout routine, but why push sex out of the equation? Why would dating/sex be a bad thing? Honestly, at this point, since I was married for the past 6 years and with her for 2 years prior, I feel inexperienced compared to most people my age in the realm of dating. Seems to me I should date and screw everything possible to gain some perspective... right?
I think what Finboy is saying: Dating - yes, Sex - wait.

Ask yourself: when looking back at your marriage, what are you missing the most ?
Sex, or the relationship ?

In the long run, sex is far less important than a healthy, great relationship. That's why a relationship should be the focus, even if it would mean to cut back in the beginning on the sex.

-t
     
shifuimam
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Sep 30, 2009, 08:11 PM
 
You can date without getting into a relationship. It's really easy, after you've been in a long-term relationship, so get back into constantly seeing someone, which quickly turns into a committed relationship. Instead of seeing her three times a week, see her every ten days or so. Instead of talking to her constantly on the phone and IM, keep communication to a minimum between times when you see her. Use this time for yourself first - take this opportunity to improve who you are as a person, which will pay off in the end when the woman of your dreams comes along and you're not a total dipwad anymore.

After I ended my longest relationship to date (two and a half years), I got right back into monogamous dating - I'd go out with a guy four or five times, think I was in love with him, and be crushed when he didn't want to see me anymore. Once I got it through my head that I should be dating and not relationship-ing, things were a hell of a lot easier. I met someone who I thought was wonderful, but I only saw him once every two or three weeks and talked to him rarely in between those times (we both worked at the same company, so we could communicate over company IM). When things didn't work out, it was a lot easier to move on, because I wasn't so emotionally involved in the relationship. There was a sex component to our non-committal relationship, but it wasn't the focus of things (that's also an important one if you decide to look to a monogamous, committed relationship), and if it didn't happen, it wasn't a big deal.

Sex isn't everything, but sex also isn't nothing, either. You shouldn't "date and screw everything possible to gain some perspective" - you're more likely to get a broken heart and two or three STDs than any perspective you might gain from such behavior. You need to figure out what you want out of life, and more importantly, what you want out of a potential lifetime partner. If you go around just dating "everything possible" and don't have any discrimination in who you choose to spend your time with (and your money on), you're ultimately going to feel pretty dissatisfied with the direction you're going.

Things didn't work out with your wife - it's time to figure out why. Go to therapy, find a friend to confide in, read a self-help book, do something that lets you look at your situation objectively so that you can find out where you went wrong. I highly doubt that your relationship and marriage failed in a way that put you in the position of Innocent Victim, so figure out where you went wrong - not where your ex-wife went wrong and you didn't do anything about it, but where you went wrong. Take this opportunity to do some repair work on your character and personality.

And, like I said before - make certain that you are crystal-freaking-clear with the women you are spending time with. Women interpret things much, much differently than men, and any woman you're taking out on dates needs and deserves to know your intentions. If you're going out with someone just to test the waters and get back in the playing field, she deserves to know that; otherwise you're just stringing her along. If you want to have sex with a woman without any commitment, she needs to be damn clear that the sex isn't going to lead to anything except, possibly, more sex. Just make sure she and you both know what's what in whatever you're doing together.
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wallinbl
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Sep 30, 2009, 08:37 PM
 
It's mind boggling to me that people date people they don't know. It seems far better to get to know people in a friendship first rather than trying to get to know someone while at the same time intertwining some level of romance and/or sex. You can think more clearly when you're not hoping to get some or trying to woo. But, I only dated people I was already friends with. Somewhat counter to my argument here is that I only knew my wife for three months before we started dating.
     
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Sep 30, 2009, 10:19 PM
 
**** everyone.

[/end thread]

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Sep 30, 2009, 10:49 PM
 


So after spending most of your twenties in a relationship that yielded the exact opposite of what you expected you should use what's left of your youth thinking about what you want in a "potential lifetime partner"

Brilliant idea!

Some of you people watch too much Dr. Phil.
Go out. Date whomever you want. Don't over think sex. Even if you sleep with one girl for every year you wasted with the last one you'll still be behind in numbers from most of your peers. Someday you'll want to be in a relationship again but there's no point in acting like you were neutered between now and then.

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