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Macpilot · Nov 20, 2005, 05:17 AM

This really sucks.

I have been dating this girl for over 6 years, on and off. We have what you could call an explosive relationship and history. She knows I am not eager for marriage and kids, but has waited for me to change my mind. I have told her I would keep thinking about it, but deep down I really don't see that in my future.

She is 38 and me 35, so her clock is ticking. We are not currently living together but have been talking about getting a place soon.

We always come back to eachother.

Tonight we had an argument that led to a fight. I think it was due to the fact that I really don't respect her opinions because I believe she uses little or no logic. Also, she does not have a clue as to what is going on in the world, and I find that a bit defenseless.

It deteriorated tonight into me calling one of her opinions "idiotic", to which she responded "you are calling me an idiot". So that went over very badly.

She left. I must admit, I felt some relief from this event, because there are plenty of reasons for us not to be together, but on the other hand, she is a sweet girl with a good job and she has put up with a lot from me (and vice versa). I find it hard to let go of her.

She loves my family and they love her. I love her, but have major reservations about marriage. Partly because I am essentially an athiest and don't really believe strongly in the institution of marriage, and partly because the odds are not good for newlyweds these days. I feel that the only reason a man should get married is to have kids with a woman.

Anybody here have a situation like this, and if so, any thoughts on this? Advice? Thanks!

Mr Kino · Nov 20, 2005, 05:25 AM

go to www.enotalone.com they have all sorts of advice for this sort of stuff. =) good luck.

baw · Nov 20, 2005, 05:29 AM

Partly because I am essentially an athiest and don't really believe strongly in the institution of marriage...

That's one of your problems right there.

Peter · Nov 20, 2005, 08:07 AM

If I think my GF is an idiot, should I love/be with her?

No.

Hey look, cookies.

Mastrap · Nov 20, 2005, 09:43 AM

If you don't respect her, let her go. Respect is the cornerstone of any relationship.

It'll also give her the chance to find somebody else who can give her what she wants. To be perfectly blunt, it's you who sounds immature to me in this relationship. You appear to be unable, or unwilling, to make any kind of a commitment, yet at the same time you keep her dangling.

You want to keep your cake and eat it, and that's unfair.

voyageur · Nov 20, 2005, 09:51 AM

Mastrap is right. The best thing to do is call it off so that each of you has a chance to find someone they really love and respect. This is especially important for her, as she really wants marriage and children. Children will only accentuate any problems you have with each other, trust me. Don't fall into marriage just because your'e comfortable with each other and it's what she and her family expect you to do.

But be kind and respectful when you end it.

OreoCookie · Nov 20, 2005, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by Macpilot

She knows I am not eager for marriage and kids, but has waited for me to change my mind. I have told her I would keep thinking about it, but deep down I really don't see that in my future.

Answer that question for yourself and answer it now. This will be the key as to whether you'll have a chance to be with her again or not. I'm not sure why you are reluctant to have children, but if you are adamant not to have any, respect her decision to break up with her.

Originally Posted by Macpilot

She is 38 and me 35, so her clock is ticking. We are not currently living together but have been talking about getting a place soon.

Bingo. That's the thing. Apparently she wants children and her clock is ticking, you got that one right. From that point of view, everything she does has a logic of its own.

Originally Posted by Macpilot

Anybody here have a situation like this, and if so, any thoughts on this? Advice? Thanks!

Yes, very simple: from what you say, you kept on postponing your decision on whether you want to have a family with her or not. Now it's time to make that decision consciously, otherwise time will make a decision for you.

You seem pretty settled against children, but not 100 % decided. Ask yourself why you don't want children and a family (own family history?) and answer that question independently of her. If you come to a conclusion, then make a decision, but you have to accept all consequences of your decision. I. e. if you decide against having a family, then you have to accept her decision to break up with you.

If you decide to change your mind, explain your reasons to her. Explain why you were reluctant to make up your mind.

In either case, don't try to win her back on the premise `yeah, I'll think about it some more, honey.' It's not fair to her. Biology teaches us men can become fathers when they are 75, women cannot. She's 38 and if you care about her safety, then be a man and make up your mind. Accept the responsibility that comes with a decision.

jersey · Nov 20, 2005, 11:02 AM

man.... I was in that same situation a few years ago (however i am few years younger than you) and it was best just to get out.

you only sort of lover her, you think shes clueless, and you want different things. run.

luckily, i was on my way to grad school... and when she asked "when are we moving?" i was able to reply with "we're not, but I am."

at this pint it doesnt matter who did or said, just go. for your own sanity, if nothing else.

nredman · Nov 20, 2005, 11:05 AM

id' say don't marry her, you aren't mature enough.

andreas_g4 · Nov 20, 2005, 11:18 AM

Originally Posted by nredman

id' say don't marry her, you aren't mature enough.

Doofy · Nov 20, 2005, 11:45 AM

Do not marry someone who you think is an idiot (whether she actually is or not). It won't end well. Break it off with her (gently) and go find yourself a geek girl who shares your life/political/religious outlook.

Let her go and be happy with someone else. Seriously. You're only there because you're afraid of not finding another girl.

OldManMac · Nov 20, 2005, 12:05 PM

I hope this doesn't sound offensive, because I don't mean it to be, but it sounds as if you two are together just because you've been together for a while, and it's convenient to hold on to each other. It doesn't sound as if there is any real basis for a marriage or family. She may be a sweet girl who has put up with a lot from you, and vice versa, but that isn't a basis for a solid marriage. Trust, compatibility, and empathy are just some of the cornerstones of marriage, and it doesn't sound like these are present. Convenience is the last reason people should take the plunge.

Captain Obvious · Nov 20, 2005, 12:25 PM

Both of you are wasting each other's time. She is an idiot for thinking that waiting you out would result in you changing your mind about what you want out of the relationship.

You should dump her and find a girl in her 20s who shares your feelings about the type of relationship they want to have right now.

ShortcutToMoncton · Nov 20, 2005, 12:26 PM

Is she a demon in the sack?

I always hated to let those go, y'know? The prospect of getting stuck with a lovely girl who I respected and trusted and who just liked a good missionary position every night always scared the hell out of me.

greg

andreas_g4 · Nov 20, 2005, 12:29 PM

KarlG made probbably the most helpful statement. But you should take into consideration that the lounge may not the most appropriate place to get advice in that respect…

BTW: Everything, of course, is lost for you when she's a succubus.

Kevin Moon · Nov 20, 2005, 12:37 PM

If you think she is an idiot and don't respect her opinions you shouldn't be with her. It's like all is well as long as she is quiet. You both keep separating because you don't respect each other. This is a relationship of convenience not love. It seems like you feel some sort of obligation because she is nice and has put up with a lot from you. Don't form a relationship because you feel like you're obligated to. Many other aspects to a relationship/marriage exists then what you mentioned and one of those is respect. You would be happier finding someone that you respect.

Spliffdaddy · Nov 20, 2005, 12:40 PM

Macpilot, I was you for almost ten years. While you wouldn't be miserable in the relationship - you wouldn't be happy, either.

I wasted a good part of my life somewhere between miserable and happy. I'd give anything to get those years back.

Cut your losses and move on. You've still got another year *after* you remove yourself from the relationship before your life returns to normal.

That's three more years of happiness than I had.

PS, I still get Christmas cards from my ex-wife's parents...six years after the divorce. It's as if they knew their daughter was a nutcase.

Cody Dawg · 01:03 PM

Definitely do HER the favor: MOVE ON.

Seriously, this isn't even all about you, Macpilot, but also about HER. She is staying in that relationship thinking that you are going to eventually commit. You know, deep down, that you cannot.

You need to let her go, you know? Seriously, as a woman, I am telling you that you need to be honest with her and tell her that you love her, you'll always be there for her, but that you don't feel that you have enough in common to be together forever.

She deserves a chance to meet someone else, someone who WILL commit and who WILL want to have children.

Another 5 years or so and she'll be getting to the age where it will become more and more difficult to have children for her and also, the children she does have will have a mom in her 50s (even late 50s - like 58 - when the kid is 18 if she has a baby at 40).

Seriously, if you do love her, break up with her. Not only is it fair to yourself, but it's fair to her also. You can have children when you're Rod Stewart's age, you know? She can't.

Let her move on.

And, also? Though I really never agree with anything Captain Obvious says, he did say something brilliant: Date a girl in her 20s who is on the same page with expectations. Early 20s would be better. Though I think that you'll fiind that most of them are dingbats, at least they won't have expectations of marriage and a biological clock issue.

We've all been in the same situation, including me. I was with a guy who was older and we had different expectations. He wanted to sail around the Bahamas all the time, fly up to Manhattan for dinner once a week, but didn't really envision family as the center of his life. I did. I cut my losses (and it hurt like hell) and broke up with him. It was hard, but necessary. Now he does what he wants and I have the life that was better for me and my son (I'm previously divorced and was a single mom for 7 years.)

Then I met my husband, he's younger than me, and we really had similar expectations and man, I have THE BEST relationship - ever - of my life. He's funny, smart, a great father, and I'm always hot for him - he's the bomb. He was previously married to a dentist who made him stop riding motorcycles, skydiving, and didn't want him to leave her sight. With me he still acts like a crazy man with his motorcycles and skydiving, goes out with his friends without worrying about me, and I have a wonderful relationship. See? Everyone is happy.

MOVE ON.

Good luck.

Sealobo · Nov 20, 2005, 01:06 PM

*yawn*

she should have left you 6 years ago.

Philip J. Fry · Nov 20, 2005, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by ShortcutToMoncton

Is she a demon in the sack?

I always hated to let those go, y'know? The prospect of getting stuck with a lovely girl who I respected and trusted and who just liked a good missionary position every night always scared the hell out of me.

greg

So very true!

KeriVit · Nov 20, 2005, 04:24 PM

If she was right for you, you might feel more desire to commit regardless of your personal philosophy. The heart rules in matters like this and the brain is merely along for the ride. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone more for you. Move On.

SuvsareRetarded · Nov 20, 2005, 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by Macpilot

She left. I must admit, I felt some relief from this event, because there are plenty of reasons for us not to be together, but on the other hand, she is a sweet girl with a good job and she has put up with a lot from me (and vice versa).

Move on. Just because someone is nice and has a good job doesn't mean you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Find someone who's opinion's aren't idiotic. Seriously.

JoshuaZ · Nov 20, 2005, 08:12 PM

Life is too short to be unhappy. Move on before its too late.

besson3c · Nov 20, 2005, 08:44 PM

I have a good idea as to how you could break it off with her. Let me know if you want to hear my advice.

Captain Obvious · Nov 20, 2005, 09:03 PM

Originally Posted by besson3c

I have a good idea as to how you could break it off with her. Let me know if you want to hear my advice.

Just because it worked for you does not mean turning gay is good advice.

besson3c · Nov 20, 2005, 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious

Just because it worked for you does not mean turning gay is good advice.

well, I'm happy, and gay means happy, so....

hahahahhahahahehahaehehaha!!

That was awesome! I got you bad!

P.S. that isn't my advice, young rapscallion.

Doofy · Nov 20, 2005, 09:33 PM

Poop in her handbag.

Don't poop in her kitchen, as we all know that this is actually an attractant, so she'll just get the hots for you even more if you do that.

(there ya go, saved Besson from having to type anything)

Macpilot · Nov 20, 2005, 10:28 PM

Thanks to all of you with the thoughtful and genuine comments.

I tried to let her go a year ago. I did tell her that if she really wants kids, then to find someone who could give that to her. That lasted a few months, then we missed eachother too much, and got back together.

It is great to hear all of these opinions here. Really opens my eyes.

Thanks again.

Tesseract · Nov 20, 2005, 10:44 PM

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/sting/132083.html

besson3c · Nov 20, 2005, 10:48 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Poop in her handbag.

Don't poop in her kitchen, as we all know that this is actually an attractant, so she'll just get the hots for you even more if you do that.

(there ya go, saved Besson from having to type anything)

THat is the first and last time I'll be fooled by you, doofball..

You did get me though.

DeathMan · Nov 21, 2005, 03:56 AM

If you decide to end it again, one or both of you need to move.

wdlove · Nov 21, 2005, 08:19 PM

Just be careful. It's better to be safe than sorry. Take the opportunity to review all your options.

JoshuaZ · Nov 21, 2005, 09:11 PM

Move. Meet new new people. Get a new hobby. Sure, you are going to miss her because it seems like every time you get a bit lonely the two of you get back together. Break the cycle.

Salty · Nov 22, 2005, 12:08 AM

Why would you stick with a girl you knew wanted something you didn't even wanna try and give her? That's just bloody selfish. And she deserves a cold glass of water in the face to wake her up. She shouldn't be wasting her time with someone who decides a person's worth on the sorts of things you seem to. And you don't deserve someone who actually lets you treat them that way.

Macpilot · Nov 22, 2005, 12:26 AM

Originally Posted by Salty

Why would you stick with a girl you knew wanted something you didn't even wanna try and give her? That's just bloody selfish. And she deserves a cold glass of water in the face to wake her up. She shouldn't be wasting her time with someone who decides a person's worth on the sorts of things you seem to. And you don't deserve someone who actually lets you treat them that way.

I have been honest with her. I always told her that I would consider kids when our finances allowed it. Also, with her current career, which was my former career, she is gone 4 days in a row every week. Neither one of us want child care to raise a kid. It is selfish and foolish to bring kids into this world if you are not prepared, not to mention child abuse. I never "decided her worth" on those things. You went too far on that one pal. And I did not get into all the crap that we have gone through in our past, which has included some pretty bad stuff on both our parts.

Sorry if I am fallible and human, and fell in love with somebody that did not fill in all the requirements. Sometimes you have little control of things like this.

Macpilot · Nov 22, 2005, 12:30 AM

Originally Posted by nredman

id' say don't marry her, you aren't mature enough.

Yeah, because getting married is the measure of one's maturity? OK. Keep believing that.

Did you suddenly feel much more mature the day you decided/forced marriage?

besson3c · Nov 22, 2005, 12:31 AM

Originally Posted by Salty

Why would you stick with a girl you knew wanted something you didn't even wanna try and give her? That's just bloody selfish. And she deserves a cold glass of water in the face to wake her up. She shouldn't be wasting her time with someone who decides a person's worth on the sorts of things you seem to. And you don't deserve someone who actually lets you treat them that way.

This is what turns me off with Christianity. It would be great if you were a Christian that didn't cast such harsh judgment upon people and make them feel beneath you, but instead you lecture us with this typical self-righteous tone.

It's a real turn off, and I hope you realize the hypocrisy of your frequent God and Jesus evangelism when you spout off crap like this that definitely does not represent your faith.

It's unfair of me to judge all Christians by these sorts of actions, but so many Christians I've come into contact with, with a couple of very pleasant exceptions, have had this self-righteous tone about them. Where do I sign up?

Merry Christmas Salty, I hope you feel better now that you have attempted to knock this person down a notch or two.

OreoCookie · Nov 22, 2005, 07:36 AM

Originally Posted by Macpilot

I have been honest with her. I always told her that I would consider kids when our finances allowed it. Also, with her current career, which was my former career, she is gone 4 days in a row every week. Neither one of us want child care to raise a kid. It is selfish and foolish to bring kids into this world if you are not prepared, not to mention child abuse. I never "decided her worth" on those things. You went too far on that one pal. And I did not get into all the crap that we have gone through in our past, which has included some pretty bad stuff on both our parts.

Sorry if I am fallible and human, and fell in love with somebody that did not fill in all the requirements. Sometimes you have little control of things like this.

Well, that's an entirely different premise. From your original post I concluded you just don't like having kids. However, I still think if there's a will, there's usually a way. Becoming a parent means having different priorities.

What you seem to say is that the two of you have different priorities. Unlike Salty or some others, I will not judge you either way as it is irrelevant for the decision you are facing. But you seem settled on your priorities, same for her. Again, either you change your mind or face the consequences of your decision.

Doofy · Nov 22, 2005, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by Salty

Why would you stick with a girl you knew wanted something you didn't even wanna try and give her? That's just bloody selfish. And she deserves a cold glass of water in the face to wake her up. She shouldn't be wasting her time with someone who decides a person's worth on the sorts of things you seem to. And you don't deserve someone who actually lets you treat them that way.

Dude, come back and give advice in this thread when you've actually had a girlfriend and can thus give said advice based on real world experience rather than the lyrics of some Emo song or other.

Seriously.