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Athiest joke
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Dangling something in the water… of the Arabian Sea
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An atheist was walking through the woods. He said to himself.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot tall grizzly bear charging towards him. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
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Addicted to MacNN
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Location: The Annals of MacNN History
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Louisiana
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Never heard it. Laughed out loud.
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Senior User
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Lost in Thought
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Thanks for the laugh.
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Little children are savages. They are paleolithic creatures.
- E. O. Wilson
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Addicted to MacNN
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Originally Posted by Eug Wanker
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
Isn't that the actual Christian doctrine?
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Dec 1999
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Originally Posted by lpkmckenna
Isn't that the actual Christian doctrine?
Perhaps, but the athiest (even in the face of God) was willing to accept his shortcomings as a human being rather than blame it on the Devil.
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"…I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: planning a comeback !
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I love athiests that don't believe in anything, not even speling. (sic!)
-t
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Louisiana
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Originally Posted by olePigeon
Perhaps, but the athiest (even in the face of God) was willing to accept his shortcomings as a human being rather than blame it on the Devil.
This conservative Christian strongly opposes the "devil made me do it" defense. Satan gets more credit than he deserves. Human flesh is a much more capable adversary.
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Addicted to MacNN
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Location: New York City
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i expected the bear to pray for him
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
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This is absolutely the athiest thread I've ever seen. I thought that one last week was pretty athy, but I mean, damn.
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Chuck
___
"Instead of either 'multi-talented' or 'multitalented' use 'bisexual'."
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Dangling something in the water… of the Arabian Sea
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Athy
Seems like a nice place.
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Dec 1999
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Originally Posted by Eug Wanker
Athy
Seems like a nice place.
I'll make it to Ireland someday.
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"…I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Apr 2000
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Originally Posted by what_the_heck
I love athiests that don't believe in anything, not even speling. (sic!)
-t
I hope this was intended. If not I hope you se the irony of that comment.
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Addicted to MacNN
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Location: Madison, WI
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Hadn't heard it. Awesome joke though.
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One should never stop striving for clarity of thought and precision of expression.
I would prefer my humanity sullied with the tarnish of science rather than the gloss of religion.
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hamburg
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Originally Posted by villalobos
I hope this was intended. If not I hope you se the irony of that comment.
I hope this was intended as well. I am pretty sure though that yours was just as intended as turtle's!
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***
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Salt Lake City, UT USA
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Heard it, funny stuff.
BTW: It's frustrating for a person to say "Isn't that Christian doctrine?". The variability of Christian groups is so great that it's largely difficult for anyone to make any substantiated claims about Christianity as a whole.
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2008 iMac 3.06 Ghz, 2GB Memory, GeForce 8800, 500GB HD, SuperDrive
8gb iPhone on Tmobile
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: planning a comeback !
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Originally Posted by villalobos
I hope this was intended. If not I hope you se the irony of that comment.
Look closer: (sic!) !
-t
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Mar 2001
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I have one too!
Knock knock
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Addicted to MacNN
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Originally Posted by SirCastor
It's frustrating for a person to say "Isn't that Christian doctrine?". The variability of Christian groups is so great that it's largely difficult for anyone to make any substantiated claims about Christianity as a whole.
I agree in principle, but not in this case. I can't think of a single denomination that would disagree on this point of doctrine.
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Forum Regular
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: LV
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Originally Posted by lpkmckenna
I agree in principle, but not in this case. I can't think of a single denomination that would disagree on this point of doctrine.
Perhaps Calvinism or strict Presbyterianism a la Knox?
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Macbook 1.83 Ghz CD, 2 GB RAM, 320 GB HD, OS 10.6.2
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
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Originally Posted by lpkmckenna
I agree in principle, but not in this case. I can't think of a single denomination that would disagree on this point of doctrine.
Universalism. Any denomination that holds Paul in high regard.
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Chuck
___
"Instead of either 'multi-talented' or 'multitalented' use 'bisexual'."
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Baninated
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In yer threads
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Originally Posted by SirCastor
BTW: It's frustrating for a person to say "Isn't that Christian doctrine?". The variability of Christian groups is so great that it's largely difficult for anyone to make any substantiated claims about Christianity as a whole.
The superficial stuff is anyhow. The main message is not.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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That joke was bearlarious
Loved it.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: midwest
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Originally Posted by besson3c
I have one too!
Knock knock
Who's there?
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ebuddy
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Addicted to MacNN
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Location: New York City
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Originally Posted by besson3c
I have one too!
Knock knock
hoo there?
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Back in the Good Ole US of A
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Forum Regular
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Location: Vanilla Sands
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Originally Posted by ebuddy
Who's there?
Shaw
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Aug 2003
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Originally Posted by kc311v2
Shaw
Shaw who?
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ebuddy
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Mac Enthusiast
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LOL very funny
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Clinically Insane
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Originally Posted by ebuddy
Who's there?
banana!
knock knock...
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Aug 2003
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Originally Posted by besson3c
banana!
knock knock...
That's weak.
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ebuddy
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Mar 2001
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Originally Posted by ebuddy
That's weak.
My joke isn't done yet! It keeps going...
Again: knock knock!
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Mac Enthusiast
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Clinically Insane
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Originally Posted by IceBreaker
who's there?
banana!
Knock knock....
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Mac Enthusiast
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Clinically Insane
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You first have to give me another "who's there"?
Whopps... I guess I forgot to wait for you guys to say "who's there" during the last rounds. Oh well, the joke isn't ruined yet.
Knock knock!
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Mac Enthusiast
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Clinically Insane
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Clinically Insane
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(somebody is supposed to say "orange who")
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Mac Enthusiast
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Clinically Insane
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Mac Enthusiast
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Originally Posted by besson3c
lol
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Mar 2001
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Originally Posted by kc311v2
Shaw
Shaw who?
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Aug 2003
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As if Icebreaker hadn't heard the "banana/orange" knock-knock joke.
Yeah though, Shaw who? If it's a joke I certainly am not getting it.
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ebuddy
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Mar 2001
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I wish I could tell my interrupting cow joke, it is even funnier, but you have to tell it in person.
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Salt Lake City, UT USA
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Originally Posted by besson3c
I wish I could tell my interrupting cow joke, it is even funnier, but you have to tell it in person.
I love that joke.
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2008 iMac 3.06 Ghz, 2GB Memory, GeForce 8800, 500GB HD, SuperDrive
8gb iPhone on Tmobile
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Clinically Insane
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Originally Posted by SirCastor
I love that joke.
We could try to tell it SirCastor... I say go for it! What have we got to lose? You can tell the joke to me, and I'll play along not suspecting anything.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Louisiana
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The interrupting cow joke is one of my all-time favorites.
Here's another funny one...
This is best with a small group of people.
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One day I went with a friend of mine to a fortune teller. We stepped inside and there was (insert visual details here). Finally the woman called us behind a curtain into a darkened, candlelit room. She told me to show her my palm, so I did. I was kind of giggling because of how silly the whole thing felt. She never cracked a smile.
(I'm using my own personal details here. The joke teller has to use their own)
Then she said, "I see that you have two siblings; one brother and one sister." Lucky guess, I thought. Then she said, "Your father is a minister, I see. That confuses me, seeing you here. Your kind usually doesn't think too highly of people in my business."
My mouth dropped, and she continued, "You have had a surgery recently. Something in your abdomen, possibly your appendix?" I was mesmerized by this point. "You're grandfather was a soldier in World War II. He was shot 3 times, and finally was sent home, where he promptly married your grandmother."
(By this time, people are being sucked into your story. You just keep on putting in personal details until...)
"I see that you also were part of World War II in your past life..."
"Oh, no," I said. "I don't believe in reincarnation."
"It doesn't matter," she said. "It is true. Every previous life leaves a physical mark. You were a German Shepherd dog who belonged to a Nazi officer. You were run over by a tank. Your mark, I am seeing, is a deformation on your right shoulder. It was your shoulder that took most of the crushing weight of the tank..."
(then you feel your shoulder...)
"Oh my god! I couldn't believe it, but I really do have a deformation on my shoulder! Feel!"
When the person closest reaches to touch your shoulder, bark really loudly and act like you're going to bite their hand. They freak out and everyone gets a kick out of it, especially if you tell the story convincingly.
---
One time I accidentally bit the person who I played the joke on. That was probably the best that I've told the story.
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