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Rumor · Sep 30, 2009, 11:37 PM

What Captain said.

Also, getting some "face" time with new women may teach you a few things.

shifuimam · Oct 1, 2009, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious

So after spending most of your twenties in a relationship that yielded the exact opposite of what you expected you should use what's left of your youth thinking about what you want in a "potential lifetime partner"

I wouldn't say that I wasted what's left of my youth. I took a year off from committed relationships, and it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Some people take a year off before going to college in order to find out who they are. I don't think this is really any different.

It's really easy to get back into a relationship right after you've ended one, but it's generally not healthy or advisable. You never get a chance to figure out what you want out of life, because you're too busy trying to keep up your relationship with another person. The results can be catastrophic - you can end up like millions of other Americans and divorce in your 50s and find out you wasted your entire life with the wrong person because you were too desperate to get into a relationship over and over.

Frankly, I'd rather have used a year of my "youth" to figure out what mattered to me in a life partner (and work on my own personal flaws as well) than spend twenty-five years married to the wrong person because I didn't bother to be more discriminating in my dating choices.

wallinbl · Oct 1, 2009, 01:36 PM

What does the time off do for you? Are you not thinking about these things while the relationship is ongoing? I guess I'm somewhat confused on that part of it.

finboy · 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

Finboy: Kind of surprised to hear you say that. I do have a workout routine, but why push sex out of the equation? Why would dating/sex be a bad thing? Honestly, at this point, since I was married for the past 6 years and with her for 2 years prior, I feel inexperienced compared to most people my age in the realm of dating. Seems to me I should date and screw everything possible to gain some perspective... right?

Sure, do what you're comfortable with. But it sounded like you were worried about the sex getting in the way of relationships. Others here mentioned that, too, and it's always something to think about. If you're worried that someone will expect "more" if you sleep with them, then just don't make sleeping with them an option. Put it out of your mind. Find other things to do and build your relationships in other ways first.

If you're not worried about sex clouding the other issues, then don't sweat it. Game on.

Let me say this too: There is no such thing as bad sex. Sex can be different, and people can have different attitudes about it when you're with them, etc. But if everything else is clicking in a relationship, 99/100 times the sex is going to be good. Absent someone having some serious hangups that need some psychoanalysis of thier own, bonding issues, approval cravings, whatever -- all sex (with someone you share goals with) is good sex, to quote Dr. Ruth.

So... at this point you can try all types of partners if you want to, and get some saddle time, but it comes back to who you want to wake up with, not who you want to go to bed with. Imagine the deepest, darkest place in your life, or the darkest place you could be, and think about the person you would like to have next to you in that dark place. There will be plenty of really good lays that aren't worth a crap in a bind. There are some chicks that look great on your arm or in your car, or get you some envious looks at dinner time, who are still mentally 16 years old (guys too).

Anyhow, take it for what it's worth. Free advice is worth what you pay for it.

downinflames68 · Oct 1, 2009, 04:53 PM

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious

So after spending most of your twenties in a relationship that yielded the exact opposite of what you expected you should use what's left of your youth thinking about what you want in a "potential lifetime partner"

Brilliant idea!

Some of you people watch too much Dr. Phil.
Go out. Date whomever you want. Don't over think sex. Even if you sleep with one girl for every year you wasted with the last one you'll still be behind in numbers from most of your peers. Someday you'll want to be in a relationship again but there's no point in acting like you were neutered between now and then.

Thanks dude. We're on the same wavelength here. I'm not saying the purpose is to nail as many as possible, but I feel really underdeveloped in dating stuff compared to some people... on the other hand, I feel like I have a lot of knowledge of a serious relationship. I'd just like to avoid anything serious for a while, I guess.

downinflames68 · Oct 1, 2009, 05:47 PM

Originally Posted by shifuimam

You can date without getting into a relationship. It's really easy, after you've been in a long-term relationship, so get back into constantly seeing someone, which quickly turns into a committed relationship. Instead of seeing her three times a week, see her every ten days or so. Instead of talking to her constantly on the phone and IM, keep communication to a minimum between times when you see her. Use this time for yourself first - take this opportunity to improve who you are as a person, which will pay off in the end when the woman of your dreams comes along and you're not a total dipwad anymore.

I've been improving myself since April. And... honestly, I feel like I've been with the same person so long, that I have no idea who the "woman of my dreams" is. I feel that the only way I'm going to figure that out is by going out and meeting more, and gaining more perspective.

After I ended my longest relationship to date (two and a half years), I got right back into monogamous dating - I'd go out with a guy four or five times, think I was in love with him, and be crushed when he didn't want to see me anymore. Once I got it through my head that I should be dating and not relationship-ing, things were a hell of a lot easier. I met someone who I thought was wonderful, but I only saw him once every two or three weeks and talked to him rarely in between those times (we both worked at the same company, so we could communicate over company IM). When things didn't work out, it was a lot easier to move on, because I wasn't so emotionally involved in the relationship. There was a sex component to our non-committal relationship, but it wasn't the focus of things (that's also an important one if you decide to look to a monogamous, committed relationship), and if it didn't happen, it wasn't a big deal.

Sounds like you had a rebound. I didn't do that. I had some flings, but thats it. I didnt' feel the need to jump on the next penis immediately, unlike my whore of an ex wife.

Sex isn't everything, but sex also isn't nothing, either. You shouldn't "date and screw everything possible to gain some perspective" - you're more likely to get a broken heart and two or three STDs than any perspective you might gain from such behavior. You need to figure out what you want out of life, and more importantly, what you want out of a potential lifetime partner. If you go around just dating "everything possible" and don't have any discrimination in who you choose to spend your time with (and your money on), you're ultimately going to feel pretty dissatisfied with the direction you're going.

I still have high standards... it's not like I'm gunning for fatties or weirdos. But if a girl is attractive, intelligent, has a sense of humor, and we share some interests, why should I avoid sex/dating and instead focus on me? Seems like life will pass you by with that attitude.

Things didn't work out with your wife - it's time to figure out why. Go to therapy, find a friend to confide in, read a self-help book, do something that lets you look at your situation objectively so that you can find out where you went wrong. I highly doubt that your relationship and marriage failed in a way that put you in the position of Innocent Victim, so figure out where you went wrong - not where your ex-wife went wrong and you didn't do anything about it, but where you went wrong. Take this opportunity to do some repair work on your character and personality.

I have been. But ultimately, I don't think it was my fault, or hers. She changed a lot. Me? Not as much. By the end, she was worshipping the moon and doing homepathic stuff all the time, and I was still basically the same (but calmer).

Laminar · Oct 1, 2009, 06:03 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

I've been improving myself since April. And... honestly, I feel like I've been with the same person so long, that I have no idea who the "woman of my dreams" is. I feel that the only way I'm going to figure that out is by going out and meeting more, and gaining more perspective.

Anyone else getting a serious Salty vibe from this post?

turtle777 · Oct 1, 2009, 06:38 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

I didnt' feel the need to jump on the next penis immediately, unlike my whore of an ex wife.

*chuckle*

I'm really getting a Salty vibe here

-t

Demonhood · Oct 1, 2009, 07:11 PM

Originally Posted by Laminar

Anyone else getting a serious salty vibe from this post?

you should stop licking the screen. it's unsanitary.

downinflames68 · Oct 2, 2009, 02:09 AM

So I'm divorced now. Today. Officially. Weird.

c*nt.

hyteckit · Oct 2, 2009, 05:10 AM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

So I'm divorced now. Today. Officially. Weird.

c*nt.

So you went down in flames I guess.

Rumor · Oct 2, 2009, 05:35 AM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

I've been improving myself since April. And... honestly, I feel like I've been with the same person so long, that I have no idea who the "woman of my dreams" is. I feel that the only way I'm going to figure that out is by going out and meeting more, and gaining more perspective.

Sounds like you had a rebound. I didn't do that. I had some flings, but thats it. I didnt' feel the need to jump on the next penis immediately, unlike my whore of an ex wife.

I still have high standards... it's not like I'm gunning for fatties or weirdos. But if a girl is attractive, intelligent, has a sense of humor, and we share some interests, why should I avoid sex/dating and instead focus on me? Seems like life will pass you by with that attitude.

I have been. But ultimately, I don't think it was my fault, or hers. She changed a lot. Me? Not as much. By the end, she was worshipping the moon and doing homepathic stuff all the time, and I was still basically the same (but calmer).

How long were you two together?

Laminar · Oct 2, 2009, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by Rumor

How long were you two together?

Seven years married plus two dating.

osiris · Oct 2, 2009, 09:25 AM

geezus, I've been married 7 months and I already have the itch.

I wish polygamy was legal.

The Final Dakar · Oct 2, 2009, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by Laminar

Seven years married plus two dating.

I wonder how long he has been on MacNN, comparatively.

downinflames68 · Oct 2, 2009, 09:54 AM

Originally Posted by Laminar

Seven years married plus two dating.

six

Laminar · Oct 2, 2009, 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by The Final Dakar

I wonder how long he has been on MacNN, comparatively.

Since '99.

Originally Posted by downinflames68

six

So close.

Rumor · Oct 2, 2009, 12:35 PM

Go get a call girl, get your jollys off, then go out and date. You will no longer have that ackward first sex after breakup moment.

andi*pandi · Oct 2, 2009, 12:58 PM

Originally Posted by Oisín

Personally, I haven’t been on a date (an actual date) that didn’t end in sex on the first date (except one blind date that ended about five minutes after it started, with me vacating the premises as quickly as I could). But then again, I’m not much of a dater.

When do we start printing the "Oisin is Easy" tshirts?

Oisín · Oct 2, 2009, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by andi*pandi

When do we start printing the "Oisin is Easy" tshirts?

(They’d fit right in)

downinflames68 · Oct 5, 2009, 01:48 AM

So... hypothetically... if I meet a crazy awesome girl... and we have a lot in common.. and she's gorgeous... and all is ****ing fantastic for a week or two... and then I find out her ex husband is the guy who I've seen on facebook hanging onto my ex wife...

what the hell am I supposed to think? Seriously life. WHAT THE ****.

shifuimam · Oct 5, 2009, 02:13 AM

DRAMA ALERT!

No, really. She may be awesome, but the drama that will come from the above will be the epic fail of the millennium. I'd run like hell, but that's just me.

- - e r i k - - · Oct 5, 2009, 02:51 AM

Eh. Those kinds of swaps have been known to happen. Just roll with it.

Captain Obvious · Oct 5, 2009, 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

So... then I find out her ex husband is the guy who I've seen.. hanging onto my ex wife...

what the hell am I supposed to think?

1) don't look a gift horse in the mouth
2) next on your list should be one of the ex's younger sister's friends
3) i was correct and MWK is not in fact a city but a large town that should be named North Racine.

mattyb · Oct 5, 2009, 08:23 AM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

So... hypothetically... if I meet a crazy awesome girl... and we have a lot in common.. and she's gorgeous... and all is ****ing fantastic for a week or two... and then I find out her ex husband is the guy who I've seen on facebook hanging onto my ex wife...

what the hell am I supposed to think? Seriously life. WHAT THE ****.

Did you ever think of moving? Like FAR AWAY type moving?

ShortcutToMoncton · Oct 5, 2009, 08:36 AM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

So... hypothetically... if I meet a crazy awesome girl... and we have a lot in common.. and she's gorgeous... and all is ****ing fantastic for a week or two... and then I find out her ex husband is the guy who I've seen on facebook hanging onto my ex wife...

what the hell am I supposed to think? Seriously life. WHAT THE ****.

1. Ahhhhhhhhhhhahahahahaha.
2. Clear sign that you're on a rebound
3. Make sure you post your own pictures on facebook
4. I hope she's hotter than your ex

greg

downinflames68 · Oct 5, 2009, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by ShortcutToMoncton

1. Ahhhhhhhhhhhahahahahaha.
2. Clear sign that you're on a rebound
3. Make sure you post your own pictures on facebook
4. I hope she's hotter than your ex

greg

1. No ****. ****ing epic Karma. Way to go Kristin, you picked an abusive bipolar asshole who is also a habitual liar, and cheats on his wife after calling her fat and ugly. Oh, and he'll spend whatever you have in your savings account.
2. Meh, had the rebound already. I'm just enjoying life.
3. What kind?
4. Definitely.

turtle777 · Oct 5, 2009, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

So... hypothetically... if I meet a crazy awesome girl... and we have a lot in common.. and she's gorgeous... and all is ****ing fantastic for a week or two... and then I find out her ex husband is the guy who I've seen on facebook hanging onto my ex wife...

what the hell am I supposed to think? Seriously life. WHAT THE ****.

Uhm, hypothetically, wouldn't her view be exactly the same, just with the roles reversed ?

-t

downinflames68 · Oct 5, 2009, 07:46 PM

No, because the girl I'm with isn't a liar/cheater/abusive person. Also, I didn't start ****ing someone as soon as I left the house. Not that Kristin would either, considering how ****ed up she is in the head about sex. Yay christianity.

colourfastt · Oct 6, 2009, 12:20 PM

Originally Posted by Salty

I think with very few exceptions sex is almost always better when you at least care about the person.

"We're a monogamous couple. How sweet! I just wanna .... VOMIT!!"

besson3c · Oct 6, 2009, 12:38 PM

Rob: have you thought about making your own sex tape and anonymously mailing it to your ex?