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Beligerent · 07:04 PM

Dear Ex Girlfriend,

I dumped you six months ago for the reasons listed herein. Since then I have been having a great time and not giving a **** about you till a couple weeks ago when I decided to log into your Hotmail account (yup I know your password) and I was astonished to find you have moved on and found a new boyfriend. I read the letters you wrote him and I must say I felt a twinge on jealousy and betrayal. The tender words were almost exactly the same type of stuff you wrote to me. I have since changed my mind and have begun thinking that I might want you back but you have told me No and that you are in love with someone else. To avoid unbearable heartbreak and pathetic begging I have needed to remind myself of the reasons I dumped you in the first place:

1) I hate your ****in kids.
There I said it. God that feels like a weight off. I hate how they walk all over you like a treadmill at fat camp. Don't get me wrong their father is too. You two are classic examples of who shouldn't have kids. Or pets. You probably never spanked your dogs either. I hated how the kids always seemed to know the precise moment I was putting my salami in your bread basket and would knock on the bedroom door talking some **** about needing a drink of water (kids only need water once a week. proven scientific fact!). I hate the way your 4 year old gave me stink eye as she gobbled down the Happy Meal I bought for her. Remember the time she told me "My daddy says youre a bad guy" Oh yeah kid? Well your daddy should have used a prophylactic so he wouldn't have spawned you! "What's a pro--profilmatic?" See! You can't even educated your kids about the realities of sex. I hate the way they threw tantrums at the mall. It was embarrassing. I resent you for getting pregnant at 16 by a 109 year old guy. Where the **** were your parents? Because a guy that old would have needed the paramedics there with a crash cart. Just in case.

2) Your teeth
Come on...Go to the ****in dentist. Brush the teeth all the way in the back of your mouth. Thats where the funk is. And floss. Your gums will explode in purple juice the first few times you do it. Don't worry, that's normal. Be sure to send me video of you flossing. I love that ****.

3) Take out your ****ing trash
Why is it that every time I went over there your trash was overflowing. Dang! And clean that ****in house. If you and I ever got married I'd ****in go threw that house with a shovel, a hoe, and garden sheers. Anything you or the kids left on the floor would be gone. That includes their friends. What do you think the sheers are for.

4) Your new boyfriend
So I did a little research and found out your new boyfriend is 21, separated from his wife, has no job, no car, and no sense of rhythm (dancing video on youtube). Wow. Excellent choice Einstein. You two ****ers are made for each other. Perhaps he will put up with your tacky Wal-Mart lifestyle and your constant moaning about being a broke single mother. By the way, I got into his email too. You might want to tell him to choose a better password than your first name. My buddy and I are thinking of posing as a woman and getting him to send us pictures of his junk which we will then forward to you. But mostly my buddy and I really want to pose as women. I've got the wig and everything.

4) Your mother
I never told you this because I loved you and didnt want you to be humiliated- Your toothless, wild-haired mother hit on me- Twice! If it werent for my good christian values I'd **** her ******** in the ******* after I ******** her dog upside her **** with the blender in the on position for ***** minutes and polish her off with a nice wood polish. I'd make her shine so good you could see yourself in her forehead. While I'm on the subject...your brother Donald is a ****in 80's poser. No one wears jean jackets with Dokken patches on them anymore...No one. Your brother Scott is also a ****in genius. Tell him to pay his child support.

5) Your intelligence
How is it that your earned a high school diploma and an associates degree? Honestly? I smile fondly when I remember that time at the Discovery Channel store you intently studied a map of the western hemisphere trying to locate Iraq. Everyone knows that it's right next to Antarctica. How is it you dont know where on your body your uvula is located? That was my favorite body part of yours. I dream about it nightly. You have no conversational wit and know absolutely nothing about the world. Unless I took you, you have never been anywhere or done anything. You think the Olive Garden is officially part of Italy. Like it's a satellite of the Italian embassy or something. You fail to see subtle humor and irony in things which is why you think "Fear Factor" is a stupid show and everyone else thinks it's brilliant television. You don't like stand up comedy cause you don't get the jokes. And you hate standing.

6) You're a dirty dirty girl
When we first met you thought mud was dirty. You only played in it with missionaries and never blew me kisses when I asked for them. Do you know how much that hurt me?! And you never made a peep. I taught you all there is to know about mud and yelling. But I get no respect. Make sure to tell your new boyfriend that the only reason you can even make a mud castle is cause I taught you. Make sure when you put the finishing touches on that mud moat, that you use the methods we discussed.

7) Stop wearing capri pants
Just...stop... you dont have the ankles for it. Work on some diet and exercise. Stop eating Fruity Vampires for breakfast, you know they go right to your ankles. Control yourself woman!

All in all I miss you though. If you were to call right now and want me back I'd be pretty tempted cause I have convinced myself I cant do any better. Oh and by the way...the dirty pictures I took of you-I put them on the internet...no one's impressed with your mud castles. The turrets are sloppily done.

Love,
the guy that used to mean the world to you.

Dakar² · Oct 20, 2006, 03:13 PM

Yeah, uh, what the f*ck?

starman · Oct 20, 2006, 03:15 PM

/looks under the post

No spam? WTF?

olePigeon · Oct 20, 2006, 03:16 PM

Maybe you should take a hint from your "good christian values" and just let things be. Insulting your ex-girlfriend anonymously on the internet is childish.

...

I've just been informed that the internet was invented for porn and insulting people anonymously. So, nevermind.

zerroeffect · Oct 20, 2006, 03:19 PM

Doesn't this belong in the political/war lounge?

Rumor · Oct 20, 2006, 03:21 PM

I foresee this thread being deleted due to inappropriate material.

Mastrap · Oct 20, 2006, 03:24 PM

It's just not funny.

Dark Helmet · Oct 20, 2006, 03:25 PM

Originally Posted by Beligerent

"If it werent for my good christian values.....

When we first met you thought sex was dirty. You only did missionary and never blew me and would NEVER let me go down on you. I could **** you all I wanted and you never made a ****in peep. I taught you all there is to know about sex. Make sure to tell your new boyfriend that the only reason you can even achieve an orgasm is cause I taught you. Make sure when you suck his dick you use the variation methods we discussed.

I wanna learn more of these values.

davesimondotcom · Oct 20, 2006, 03:29 PM

Someone is bitter.

Kerrigan · Oct 20, 2006, 03:37 PM

That's a bit creepy that you read her emails after breaking up. You obviously can't get over it.

Spliffdaddy · Oct 20, 2006, 03:40 PM

Hilarious.

Regardless of what these other guys think.

Zeeb · Oct 20, 2006, 03:41 PM

I love how the letter is organized. Your intelligence, your teeth, your mother are all available for quick reference.

Dark Helmet · Oct 20, 2006, 03:46 PM

If he just posted that after breaking up with her.. fine.

By why after 6 months of not missing her and STILL wanting her back?

::maroma:: · Oct 20, 2006, 03:47 PM

Wow. I think she'll be happy you're out of her life now. Especially after she reads this.

This letter makes you looks so pathetic its funny. You contradict yourself about 10 times. You make yourself out to be a petty, shallow piece of crap. You need to move on dude. Get a life.

BlueSky · Oct 20, 2006, 03:49 PM

Needs more cowb...ah **** it.

Chuckit · Oct 20, 2006, 03:54 PM

I…have no idea.

Rumor · Oct 20, 2006, 03:56 PM

Spliffdaddy · Oct 20, 2006, 03:59 PM

I'm fairly certain that I used to date that girl, too.

Her kids really are as bad as he claims.

Any way to find out if the OP is from North Carolina?

Beligerent · Oct 20, 2006, 04:01 PM

Hey Snapperheads, its meant to be a goof. Jesus you guys!

Rumor · Oct 20, 2006, 04:10 PM

You do realize that there are children that post here?

BlueSky · Oct 20, 2006, 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by Beligerent

Hey Snapperheads, its meant to be a goof. Jesus you guys!

Ah, well in that case it does need more cowbell.

Beligerent · Oct 20, 2006, 04:12 PM

Yes I do. and thats why all the bad word are greyed out. I wrote that as a goof and to get out a little frustration. Calm down guy....JEEEEEZUS! I love you guys but damn... some of you need to see the humor that lies within the 4am rambling of a guy that suffered a heartbreak.

-Norm

imitchellg5 · Oct 20, 2006, 04:22 PM

Can't believe it hasn't been:

slugslugslug · Oct 20, 2006, 04:27 PM

um, dude.. http://yourcity.craigslist.org/rnr, 'kay?

Rumor · Oct 20, 2006, 04:31 PM

Originally Posted by Beligerent

Yes I do. and thats why all the bad word are greyed out. I wrote that as a goof and to get out a little frustration. Calm down guy....JEEEEEZUS! I love you guys but damn... some of you need to see the humor that lies within the 4am rambling of a guy that suffered a heartbreak.

-Norm

Context

ort888 · Oct 20, 2006, 04:37 PM

Fake and not funny,

Beligerent · Oct 20, 2006, 04:41 PM

Fake? are you serious man? That was 100% penned by me on wednesday morning after a horrible tuesday night missing her. That is NOT fake.

Spliff · Oct 20, 2006, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by Spliffdaddy

Hilarious.

Regardless of what these other guys think.

Wow, I actually agree with Spliffdaddy.

BlueSky · Oct 20, 2006, 04:48 PM

It's chock full o' hate for yourself and presumes that she's to blame for it.

Oisín · Oct 20, 2006, 04:50 PM

Judging by the descriptions of ‘the girlfriend’, her family, her new boyfriend, her children, and the general way that all these characters seem to interact with each other, Beligerent seems like a truly upstanding member of society.

Gossamer · Oct 20, 2006, 04:56 PM

Originally Posted by Beligerent

Hey Snapperheads, its meant to be a goof. Jesus you guys!

Originally Posted by Beligerent

Fake? are you serious man? That was 100% penned by me on wednesday morning after a horrible tuesday night missing her. That is NOT fake.

What?

(P.S. Multi-quote is quite handy!)

ort888 · Oct 20, 2006, 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by Beligerent

Fake? are you serious man? That was 100% penned by me on wednesday morning after a horrible tuesday night missing her. That is NOT fake.

You must be a robit.

kick52 · Oct 20, 2006, 05:23 PM

yeah! insult that girl!

voodoo · Oct 20, 2006, 05:28 PM

Originally Posted by Spliffdaddy

Hilarious.

Regardless of what these other guys think.

Agreed

Very funny stuff!

V

rickey939 · Oct 20, 2006, 05:54 PM

Well done. Seriously.

Chuckit · Oct 20, 2006, 05:54 PM

Can somebody explain the humor?

Spliffdaddy · Oct 20, 2006, 05:55 PM

Just because you use a Mac it doesn't mean you have to give up your sense of humor.

I swear. Getting a laugh out of some of you folks is like...well it ain't easy.

Jawbone54 · Oct 20, 2006, 05:57 PM

I just want to know if you REALLY read her Emails.

Chuckit · Oct 20, 2006, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by Spliffdaddy

Just because you use a Mac it doesn't mean you have to give up your sense of humor.

I swear. Getting a laugh out of some of you folks is like...well it ain't easy.

I laugh plenty. But usually it requires something to be funny first. For instance: Schindler's List? I didn't laugh much. That crappy sitcom with Ted Danson? Didn't laugh much. Battlefield Earth? I was rolling on the floor the whole time.

Jawbone54 · Oct 20, 2006, 06:01 PM

Originally Posted by Chuckit

I laugh plenty. But usually it requires something to be funny first. For instance: Schindler's List? I didn't laugh much. That crappy sitcom with Ted Danson? Didn't laugh much. Battlefield Earth? I was rolling on the floor the whole time.

I've still never seen Battlefield Earth. It's never in at Hollywood Video either.

Rumor · Oct 20, 2006, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by Jawbone54

I've still never seen Battlefield Earth. It's never in at Hollywood Video either.

Netflix

voodoo · Oct 20, 2006, 06:19 PM

Originally Posted by Jawbone54

I just want to know if you REALLY read her Emails.

Heyyyyyy another Arsenal fan!!

That's my team in the English Premier. Totally the best. Have you noticed how Arsene Wenger looks like a bird of prey?

Great team!

V

Demonhood · Oct 20, 2006, 08:29 PM