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downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 06:43 PM

So here's the scoop. My girlfriend was in a fairly serious car accident a few days ago. I was called and told that she was fine, and that I'd get another call later with details. So I went to work (I was in another city, and 1.5 hours from her). I worked all day, kept in touch, and went to see her that night. I showed up with flowers, a card, some candy, and a balloon. I spent the night at the hospital. She was released after 36 hours when the docs were sure her liver wasn't going to bleed internally into her abdomen. She's a bit beatup (cracked ribs, liver tear, minor cuts/bruises), but her dog was not so lucky. It has a broken spine, and is paralyzed. I got off work the next day, and also spent all night with her.

This weekend, however, I wanted to go to a car race at Elkhart lake. She got pissed when I said I wanted to go, but I was actually asking if she wanted to come with. She made such a big deal about it that I had to turn down free tickets. She said sitting at a seat would be too 'strenuous' for her. So, she said she basically watched TV all day today , and that she wants me to hang out with her tonight. And all day tomorrow. And tomorrow night. And Sunday.

I'm not trying to be an asshole... but it is actually nice outside. I want to work on my boat. I want to install my new ECU in my car. I want to mow the lawn. I want to go biking. I do NOT want to sit inside an entire ****ing weekend and watch TV on the couch.

When I mention that I'd like to do something for an afternoon, she gets furious, saying how if I was the one in an accident, she would be there to care for me. I say I am not a doctor, do not have medicine better than a doctor, and am unable to care for her better than they can.

Am I being a dick for feeling this way? Or am I being manipulated? Is there something wrong with me? I just feel like if I am sitting inside all weekend I'm going to ****ing shoot myself.

boy8cookie · Jul 16, 2010, 06:53 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

... Am I being a dick for feeling this way? ...

yes.

downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 06:54 PM

So am I just supposed to sit inside with her the entire weekend and watch TV? On a gorgeous weekend when I have a billion things to do?

CollinG3G4 · Jul 16, 2010, 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

\\
Am I being a dick for feeling this way? Or am I being manipulated? \

Maybe you're not a relationship kind of guy. Work on the boat after you dump her.

olePigeon · Jul 16, 2010, 07:01 PM

You could try to work out a compromise. Let her know it's a gorgeous weekend and the fresh air would do her some good. Get her a lawn chair or something, make her a margarita, and have her sit outside with you while you work on the boat. Take periodic breaks and pamper her a little bit.

downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 07:01 PM

Seriously? I am in the wrong here? I should be willing to sit and get fat for an entire weekend and do nothing productive whatsoever? Wow, I guess I am ****ed up, because it sure as hell seems completely unreasonable that she won't let me do something for a few hours without her.

downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by olePigeon

You could try to work out a compromise. Let her know it's a gorgeous weekend and the fresh air would do her some good. Get her a lawn chair or something, make her a margarita, and have her sit outside with you while you work on the boat. Take periodic breaks and pamper her a little bit.

I already suggested that and she got extremely pissed off. She was like no, this weekend is about me, not your boat, if you were in an accident bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bal bla bal bla

olePigeon · Jul 16, 2010, 07:09 PM

You could invite Mel Gibson over for a pep talk.

Doofy · Jul 16, 2010, 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

I am in the wrong here?

Yup. This weekend is about her. So suck it up, watch some TV, jiggle her boobies and be glad she puts up with your crap*.

(* Bloke crap, not yours in particular.)

Lint Police · Jul 16, 2010, 07:39 PM

if you ain't got the b*lls to do the p*ssy stuff, you don't deserve the p*ssy.

Big Mac · Jul 16, 2010, 07:46 PM

Sounds kind of heartless, Rob. How important is the car race in comparison to your girlfriend's well being, her feelings and your relationship together?

downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 07:46 PM

B*lls meaning the ability to do jack shit for an entire weekend when I live in a climate that is only nice out 3 months out of 12?

Yeah, guess I don't.

downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by Big Mac

Sounds kind of heartless, Rob. How important is the car race in comparison to your girlfriend's well being, her feelings and your relationship together?

I invited her, and I checked beforehand to make sure they had wheelchairs so she wouldn't have to walk much. I thought it would be a fun, NON STRENUOUS thing to do together.

imitchellg5 · Jul 16, 2010, 07:47 PM

It was way too soon to go to a race. I would have gone the middle ground, offer to set her up a nice area outside so you can work on your boat and talk to her at the same time. Remember, after being in a somewhat serious wreck, nausea can last for a while. She probably doesn't want to get in a car and then sit somewhere away from the conveniences of home. And even if you think she's gone totally mental, go easy on her.

downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 07:51 PM

She won't let me work on the boat because it involves driving somewhere to get to the boat.

Captain Obvious · Jul 16, 2010, 07:58 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

Am I being a dick for feeling this way?
Or am I being manipulated?
Is there something wrong with me?

yes, but who cares.

yes, she is guilting you into doing what she wants

yes, you've developed a lower threshold for catering to the whims of women after that clusterf8ck of a marriage.

This chick is a rebound right? She'll be kicked to the curb at some point in the near future? While you probably should have to deal with some sacrifice during her convalescence mom should play nursemaid for things like this when you have things to do. If you really give a crap then give her sunday night and do something nice for her.
Since you can't really do anything to help her get better faster call her bestfriend and cover the costs of them doing something together while you are away.

I personally don't think you need to be tethered to her this whole time especially if you had existing plans that you were looking forward to before it all happened. In your situation I'd buy her a puppy to shut her up.

Captain Obvious · Jul 16, 2010, 08:01 PM

Originally Posted by Lint Police

if you ain't got the b*lls to do the p*ssy stuff, you don't deserve the p*ssy.

you've been brainwashed
Plus this girl is a cripple for a while, getting some won't be on the table for a while anyway.

downinflames68 · Jul 16, 2010, 08:03 PM

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious

yes, but who cares.

yes, she is guilting you into doing what she wants

yes, you've developed a lower threshold for catering to the whims of women after that clusterf8ck of a marriage.

This chick is a rebound right? She'll be kicked to the curb at some point in the near future? While you probably should have to deal with some sacrifice during her convalescence mom should play nursemaid for things like this when you have things to do. If you really give a crap then give her sunday night and do something nice for her.
Since you can't really do anything to help her get better faster call her bestfriend and cover the costs of them doing something together while you are away.

I personally don't think you need to be tethered to her this whole time especially if you had existing plans that you were looking forward. In your situation I'd buy her a puppy to shut her up.

Existing plans were going camping all weekend with her, and her dog. Obviously this is no longer happening. I think I'll hang out with her tonight, ditch tomorrow at noon, and go mow my lawn and work on stuff outside. Maybe I'll see her tomorrow night.

elyzabennet · Jul 16, 2010, 08:06 PM

Umm, are you talking about a car race where accidents can happen? I know next to nothing about car races, but I do know that pretty horrific accidents can happen at races. Maybe your girlfriend, who just went through a traumatic experience didn't want to 1) drive in a car to the race and 2) watch cars go really fast and potentially crash, which would bring up the horrible experience she just had.

As for being unwilling to even spend time outside. I can't speak for her, of course, but when I'm feeling crappy I don't want to spend it outside, even if it's gorgeous outside. She is injured and doesn't want to move too much, and watching tv is a good way to numb yourself in a way. She's probably having some difficulty reliving the accident over and over, and watching tv occupies her mind enough to not think about it. Being outside, she would only have a book and that is probably not enough to take her mind off things.

If you truly like this woman, swallow your frustrations and be a good, supportive boyfriend and give her what she needs right now - which is comfort. If you take care of her this weekend without bitching about all the things you could be doing, she will appreciate it (at least she should).

Mrjinglesusa · Jul 16, 2010, 08:23 PM

Yes. But I would add that not only are you an asshole, you are a selfish, self-indulgent asshole who is more worried about HIS things and HIS plans and how his girlfriend's car accident is going to affect HIM than he is about his girlfriend's needs.

Seriously, you need to NOT be a relationship with the opposite sex. Your boats, lawn, car, etc. sound like they will be enough to keep you occupied.

brassplayersrock² · Jul 16, 2010, 08:46 PM

Originally Posted by elyzabennet

Umm, are you talking about a car race where accidents can happen? I know next to nothing about car races, but I do know that pretty horrific accidents can happen at races. Maybe your girlfriend, who just went through a traumatic experience didn't want to 1) drive in a car to the race and 2) watch cars go really fast and potentially crash, which would bring up the horrible experience she just had.

As for being unwilling to even spend time outside. I can't speak for her, of course, but when I'm feeling crappy I don't want to spend it outside, even if it's gorgeous outside. She is injured and doesn't want to move too much, and watching tv is a good way to numb yourself in a way. She's probably having some difficulty reliving the accident over and over, and watching tv occupies her mind enough to not think about it. Being outside, she would only have a book and that is probably not enough to take her mind off things.

If you truly like this woman, swallow your frustrations and be a good, supportive boyfriend and give her what she needs right now - which is comfort. If you take care of her this weekend without bitching about all the things you could be doing, she will appreciate it (at least she should).

Originally Posted by Mrjinglesusa

Yes. But I would add that not only are you an asshole, you are a selfish, self-indulgent asshole who is more worried about HIS things and HIS plans and how his girlfriend's car accident is going to affect HIM than he is about his girlfriend's needs.

Seriously, you need to NOT be a relationship with the opposite sex. Your boats, lawn, car, etc. sound like they will be enough to keep you occupied.

These

design219 · Jul 16, 2010, 08:52 PM

Do her a favor and dump her.

Face Ache · Jul 16, 2010, 09:09 PM

Womenfolk often get mighty confused in stressful situations. Your girlfriend has been shaken up by a close call with death and her beloved pet being critically and permanently injured. She probably has all kinds of crazy female hormones doing weird things to her brain.

Here's my advice in order to simplify things for her: Give her a Get Well Soon card and slip a list of your "wants" inside it. When she opens the card your list will fall out and she'll realise they are two completely separate things. Or maybe she'll subconsciously link your wants with her getting better.

Either way, you're the man and therefore you should decide what your weekend plans are, regardless of her silly female needs. If she needs emotional support there are three billion other women on this planet she can turn to. Women who don't have boats to build.

Dale Sorel · Jul 16, 2010, 09:32 PM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

...but her dog was not so lucky. It has a broken spine, and is paralyzed.

Is the dog gonna make it?

The Final Dakar · Jul 16, 2010, 09:56 PM

Let me sum this up for you rob. If this relationship is "serious" the car didn't just hit her, it hit you too, metaphorically speaking. It'd be the same if say one of her parents died. You gotta treat it like it happened to you too.

richwig83 · Jul 16, 2010, 10:00 PM

So lets get this right... your girlfriend could be pushing up the daisies now and your worried about a stupid car race!

Get real!

Lint Police · Jul 16, 2010, 10:08 PM

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious

you've been brainwashed
Plus this girl is a cripple for a while, getting some won't be on the table for a while anyway.

bull. if the relationship means anything, you will be willing to give up a weekend of your time to cater to them, right or not.

if not, a relationship is not for you. period. if you are too selfish to care about someone other than what you want to do on a weekend, there is no reason you deserve all the benefits that come with it.

OldManMac · Jul 16, 2010, 11:11 PM

After all these years, you still don't get it, do you? Sometimes you have to compromise and realize the world doesn't spin around you. I keep wanting to think you can't be real, but sadly, people who think it's all about them do exist.

Phileas · Jul 17, 2010, 12:11 AM

Lemme look into my crystal ball here. Yep, you're going to die alone.

Sealobo · Jul 17, 2010, 12:15 AM

guess you just didn't care enough. but... she's just a gf, right? maybe you'd have handled it differently if it's your daughter.

OreoCookie · Jul 17, 2010, 04:22 AM

Rob, she wants to know if right now she's more important than your car or your boat. This is not a right/wrong issue, she has had a rattling experience, her dog is ill (perhaps he needs to be put down?) and she wants you at her side. Bear with it and she'll reciprocate eventually.

I don't think you need to spend 48 hours with her, though. Give yourself half a day or so, then come home and make dinner for her. Rub her feet. I think that's a good compromise.

iLikebeer · Jul 17, 2010, 04:44 AM

On a scale of 1 to 10, you score a -8 on empathy. I've enjoyed your antics over the last 10+ years, but come on. You've almost become a parody of yourself.

andi*pandi · Jul 17, 2010, 05:22 AM

I can see her not wanting to go anywhere, and it would be nice to spend the time. The whole weekend? If you handled it well, agreed that spending the afternoon on the boat or lawn and then making dinner would be a good compromise.

How much of an invalid is she now? Does she need help getting around?

Spheric Harlot · Jul 17, 2010, 05:40 AM

Love things and use people, or love people and use things.

It's your choice.

Spheric Harlot · Jul 17, 2010, 05:41 AM

BTW, cracked ribs are among the most painful injuries.

They make you Not. Want. To. Move.

At all.

Lateralus · Jul 17, 2010, 05:53 AM

^I thought my life was over when I had bruised ribs.

OreoCookie · Jul 17, 2010, 05:59 AM

I find broken/bruised ribs aren't that painful. The only thing that stinks is getting up and sitting/lying down. Or laughing

That's one of the weirdest memories involving pain: someone got me laughing which was painful, but it was tickling at the same time, making me laugh even more

But in any case, she'll need some help for the next few days.

Spheric Harlot · Jul 17, 2010, 06:02 AM

But I'm sure you would have LOVED being carted around in a wheelchair while your S.O. fixed up his boat and went to a race.

It *so* would have taken your mind off figuring out whether you can manage to ****ing BREATHE.

Well, at least that should keep her occupied and distract her from worrying about whether she should prolong the suffering of her paralyzed dog and foot the - probably considerable - future vet bills, or just kill him like a man.

residentEvil · Jul 17, 2010, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

I find broken/bruised ribs aren't that painful. The only thing that stinks is getting up and sitting/lying down. Or laughing

That's one of the weirdest memories involving pain: someone got me laughing which was painful, but it was tickling at the same time, making me laugh even more

But in any case, she'll need some help for the next few days.

sneezing would be the worse. oh man.

residentEvil · Jul 17, 2010, 08:06 AM

i read this yesterday and didn't want to post then. sorta sleep on it. but i still can't come up with something without also being an asshole.

rob, man...wtf? really? yes, you had plans but come on. if she is just a f ck toy, then you would have just done your own things and not have posted here. we would have heard a post a week or two later about how you don't get women and got dumped and blah blah blah. as you post more, it comes out you were spending a lot of time with your boat, car(s), racing and house work/lawn; and that she needed you and you had plans made and said no. sound familiar? (study, job, design projects, friends).

i know we only read half the story here but this is a pattern; and one not healthy for a relationship. trust me, i think many guys (and gals) have had similar situations. i've had several. from blowing off a funeral of one GF's grandpa to leaving a wedding of another GF's best friend from college to go to a bar to watch a playoff baseball game. why? i didn't care. and yup, it wasn't a healthy relationship. yup, i was in my late 20s...young and just wanted f ck toys. it was about me. and didn't care. i was an asshole/jerk/and many other things.

i'm sure glad i grew up. i'm in a relationship..a true one. we are engaged, we have a wonderful family life (she has a teenage son). and hell, i even do things with her family...immediate, extended and distant...something i never did with ANY past GF. i would do anything for her, and do. its give and take. she is there for me in the same way. we both know we need "our own time"; be it hanging out with friends at a bar or a guys/gals weekend up north, etc.

but you know what? trust, admiration and the love of one another makes those "me" times part of an honest and fulfilling relationship.

i hope you find that person who makes you realize those things. i finally did, and i've never been happier.

if i can change, you can change (/rocky IV).

OreoCookie · Jul 17, 2010, 09:12 AM

Originally Posted by residentEvil

sneezing would be the worse. oh man.

Hehe, oh yeah. Fortunately, I didn't have a cold back then.

I broke a rib or two during a bike accident. I also tore a ligament on my shoulder and initially, the doctors suspected I had also broken my wrist (on the opposite side). So both of my arms were out of order and I had broken ribs. First time in a long, long, long time I needed to stay at my parents place because I couldn't dress myself, etc.

ghporter · Jul 17, 2010, 09:46 AM

Not to dogpile here, Rob, but I think ILikebeer has a point. It's not so much that you're an asshole, it's that you don't go out of your way to NOT be one. You haven't had a lot of experience with empathy-maybe you didn't have a lot of examples of being empathic or sympathetic while you were growing up-and it shows in your behavior. It's something you can fix, and being curious about how you got into trouble with your girlfriend at this point shows that you're making progress.

It will be helpful to apologize for the impression you made in your suggestion about going to the races. Because by your explanation, you were offering to take her out for some fun, you can go through the whole thing-and a lot of people respond well to this sort of "admission." Frankly, if it's true, it can't hurt anyway. But this can be a lesson too: when you are dealing with someone else, it's always best to put things in terms of them first, particularly if they aren't feeling well.

So you do get points for thinking "hey, we could hit the track-that would be fun for both of us!" but lose points for saying "hey, I'd like to ..." to start.

Oh, and I hope your GF starts feeling better soon. That kind of injury is rough because you can't find some position that is comfortable simply because breathing is uncomfortable.

Wiskedjak · Jul 17, 2010, 09:51 AM

You aren't being an asshole. But it is painfully obvious that you care more about not being bored and getting fat in one weekend than about your girlfriend.

dcmacdaddy · Jul 17, 2010, 10:05 AM

Originally Posted by downinflames68

So am I just supposed to sit inside with her the entire weekend and watch TV? On a gorgeous weekend when I have a billion things to do?

Yes. Try thinking about her needs/wants.

Originally Posted by downinflames68

Seriously? I am in the wrong here? I should be willing to sit and get fat for an entire weekend and do nothing productive whatsoever? Wow, I guess I am ****ed up, because it sure as hell seems completely unreasonable that she won't let me do something for a few hours without her.

Yes. Try thinking about her needs/wants.

Originally Posted by downinflames68

I already suggested that and she got extremely pissed off. She was like no, this weekend is about me, not your boat, if you were in an accident bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bal bla bal bla

This weekend SHOULD be about her. She was the one in a serious accident, not you.

Originally Posted by downinflames68

I invited her, and I checked beforehand to make sure they had wheelchairs so she wouldn't have to walk much. I thought it would be a fun, NON STRENUOUS thing to do together.

It is still all about you, though. It is her accompanying you to something you want to do.

Originally Posted by downinflames68

She won't let me work on the boat because it involves driving somewhere to get to the boat.

Yeah, she wants you around to comfort and support her. Is that a bad thing?

Originally Posted by downinflames68

Existing plans were going camping all weekend with her, and her dog. Obviously this is no longer happening. I think I'll hang out with her tonight, ditch tomorrow at noon, and go mow my lawn and work on stuff outside. Maybe I'll see her tomorrow night.

If mowing your lawn and working on stuff outside is more important to you than spending time with her after her accident than go do those things. Don't be surprised if she dumps you for being a selfish, insensitive prick.

I think your fundamental problem is that you have NO capacity for empathetic thought/behavior. By all your questions you have made it clear than you can't understand why she would want you to spend time with her, that you can't put yourself inside of her head and understand the situation from her perspective. I hope, for your sake, you learn the same lessons as ResidentEvil. Otherwise, the prediction from Phileas is guaranteed to come true.

ajprice · Jul 17, 2010, 12:05 PM

Everythings already been said, she is recovering from a crash and wanted some quiet time with you, her boyfriend. Thats completely understandable for her to want that. You wanted to watch fast cars that might crash, or mow the lawn and fix your boat

Wiskedjak · Jul 17, 2010, 12:24 PM

I'd say dump her. She obviously doesn't care about your needs. It is completely insensitive of her to expect you to put off mowing you lawn just to keep her company, comfort and help her as she suffers from painful injuries.

finboy · Jul 17, 2010, 07:33 PM

Sorry, man, but I'm not sure you're ready for a relationship with anyone if you have to ask this question. You're being an asshole on so many levels it's staggering. I've been hoping the best for you, but obviously your journey is just beginning.

You need professional help. Really. Look up "borderline personality disorder.". Find someone with some experience with this type of self-image.

downinflames68 · Jul 17, 2010, 10:54 PM

Yeah, I was being an asshole. All is well in the world again, we found a compromise.

dcmacdaddy · Jul 17, 2010, 11:01 PM

Originally Posted by finboy

You're being an asshole on so many levels it's staggering.

QFT.

Salty · Jul 18, 2010, 03:41 AM

You're an ass... that said she sounds kinda selfish too. I get that you tried to be a nice guy for a while, the problem is you don't get to just be a nice guy briefly, you actually have to stay a nice guy for it to mean anything. But you're an ass. That said, it's kind of her fault for dating you in the first place.