[starman]

This is something that's been bothering me for years. I've been meaning to post about it but I just never got around to it.

Anyone have friends that are totally f-----g unreliable? You know...promise they'll be there at 7, show up and 9:30 with some BS excuse, or promise something that never actually happens? I'm getting a little peeved by this. My wife even said to me "yeah, why is it that every friend you've had never shows up on time?". I do actually have one friend who shows up on time like clockwork. I'd think it's a female thing but I have another female friend who's just as unreliable as my male friends.

So how do you deal with this bullsh*t?

Mike

[MallyMal]

Naw, I don't have any unreliable friends because once someone proves to be unreliable I get them away from me.

[Eriamjh]

Just do it to them a few times.

Otherwise, stop being their friend.

[budster101]

MallyMal: Well said.


starman:

If your "friends" are not reliable, then they place someone or something ahead of your "friendship" and they are in fact, not your friends, but rather aquaintences, and aquaintences do not deserve the respect a person whom you call "friend". They should be demoted to aquaintence in my humble oppinion... move on, and do not waste your time with them.

Do you behave this way with your other friends? Are you unreliable as well? If not, then expect to have the same high standards with your other friends!

Keep those around you that are reliable and do care about you.
Distance yourself from the others. There are so many good people out there it's a shame some are taking you fro granted.

Oh, I think I just sounded like "Dear Abbey"...

[SimpleLife]

Originally Posted by starman

This is something that's been bothering me for years. I've been meaning to post about it but I just never got around to it.

Anyone have friends that are totally f-----g unreliable? You know...promise they'll be there at 7, show up and 9:30 with some BS excuse, or promise something that never actually happens? I'm getting a little peeved by this. My wife even said to me "yeah, why is it that every friend you've had never shows up on time?". I do actually have one friend who shows up on time like clockwork. I'd think it's a female thing but I have another female friend who's just as unreliable as my male friends.

So how do you deal with this bullsh*t?

Mike

I remember having had to deal with the very same type of situation. I used to be pretty pissed and angry then. Today is different.

About 10 years ago, I moved in the Arctic to work with the Inuit. It was a shock in many ways, but one was due to the relationships and expectations amongst people. You set up an appointment, and people show up 36 hrs later. In the beginning, that was extremely annoying; I was this White Guy from the South and was expected to perform; it was my first job and I finished school almost brankrupt. Anyway, one day, I asked to an Inuk about this type of situation where very friendly people as well as business relationship would not show up in time.

He explained that whatever I was looking for from these people, none would be important enough unless it was about hunting or fishing. Traditionnally, you leave people to their business. You never get involved unless you are asked, and you never make a scene, especially in front of other people, whatever the reason. So if someone is late, or do not show up, that is of no concern for those waiting, unless it is about hunting/fishing.

6 years later, I got out of there and frankly, that someone shows up to an appointment or not, I could not care less; none of my business etc. Well, almost; I will always be a bit concern and hope nothing wrong has happened. As for organizing activities with people, I barely do anything anymore,and I meet people where they are and if it is meant to continue, then it will until it is meant to be finished.

I have no anger anymore about people not showing up. Only some concerns. Life is too short to bother with anything else.

Cheers!

[Railroader]

Unreliable=not my friend.

Part of friendship is being reliable. I say: let the unreliable rely on each other.

[Eriamjh]

Did you ever ask why?

[Ω]

Surely it is not this black and white????

To me it depends on what the "appointment" is for. If it is just for a social occasion, like dinner they will soon learn that if they turn up 2 hours late that dinner has already been served and leftovers are in the fridge!

[starman]

Originally Posted by Eriamjh

Did you ever ask why?

With each friend it's happened to, it's always something different. I just don't get it - I'm never late for anything.

Mike

[starman]

Originally Posted by Ω

Surely it is not this black and white????

To me it depends on what the "appointment" is for. If it is just for a social occasion, like dinner they will soon learn that if they turn up 2 hours late that dinner has already been served and leftovers are in the fridge!

Why should it matter what it's for? When you're supposed to be somewhere at a certain time, you show up. Yes, it's black and white.

Mike

[Ω]

I guess my view of the world is different in that I am not governed by time.

I have not worn a watch in over 15 years. I arrive when I arrive.

[Doofy]

I agree with the sentiments so far.

But it could be worse - I have one friend who always turns up a half hour to an hour earlier than arranged. Like, "come over at 9 pm, we'll go out" - he'll arrive at 8:15 pm when I'm in the bathroom getting ready.

[AB^2=BCxAC]

I've read in a few psychiatry books that people who show up late all the time are asserting their dominance, are self-centered, insensitive, emotionally stunted (caught at about age 13) and pathologically spiteful: everything you'd expect they'd be, but never knew there are case studies proving it!

[Hawkeye_a]

Yes, starman. i totally agree. ive noticed the same about some of my friends. it's friggon annoying. my roommate for example. My car broke down and i urgently needed to get some jobs done the following day, so i ask him, he agrees, the following day im up on time, and hes still asleep, so i try to wake him up, go into his room, and he just turns around and goes back to sleep.

The next day, i dont know if he was trying to spite me, but he goes to the area i needed to goto TWICE the same day, without telling me.

He never cleans up, leaves papers all over the place, never takes out the garbage and throws a fit anytime i dont do my dishes, which pisses the hell out of me.

As you might know, i got Resident Evil 4 a couple of months ago. but didnt have time to play it, so everytime id get home hed be playing it....EVERY friggon day, on my TV. no problem, i didnt have time, but id liked to have watched some TV shows/news. Then he finishes RE4,and starts playing it all over again !!!!!! and i specifically told him i didnt want to see parts of the game i hadnt reached yet.After that, he goes out and buys a PS2, and everytime i was watching TV he start pestering me "there's nothing good on TV, i want to play some PS2". ugh....i just lost it and blew up at him. All he does is play video games. This guy is just way too unreliable and shelfish.

Its time for me to find a new place....preferably by the beach.

P.S.>> sorry, but i took this opportunity to vent didnt mean to sound whiny.

[budster101]

Exactly. It's all about control. If they show up late. Don't answer the door....

[turtle777]

Eventuelly, cut them off.

I had a "friend" who was notoriously late, lied about the reasons, fabricated the weirdest excuses etc. I finally confronted him and said: "Unless you change, I won't have ANYTHING to do with you anymore. And the burden of proof, that you raally changed, is on you !"

-t

[Atomic Rooster]

Being late for a date to dinner or movie with your friends is minor to the friend who never pays back his debts to you when he promised or pays back a small amount AND then asks if he can borrow that.

I had a good friend who stayed overnite on the couch. When I cam down in the morning he was gone and so was a quarter pound of of sinsemilla bud from the kitchen cupboard.

[mitchell_pgh]

Originally Posted by turtle777

Eventuelly, cut them off.

I had a "friend" who was notoriously late, lied about the reasons, fabricated the weirdest excuses etc. I finally confronted him and said: "Unless you change, I won't have ANYTHING to do with you anymore. And the burden of proof, that you raally changed, is on you !"

-t

I'm assuming you worked up to something like that?

I would start off with PHASE ONE: "Please be on time... last time you were X minutes late"
PHASE 2: "I'm going to wait 15 minutes, and them I'm leaving (or... I'm not going)"

After phase two, you need to tell the person that you want to make plans with him/her, but aren't willing to wait around. I have friends that I can't count on regarding timeing... so I don't do things with them that are time critical... or when they do show up, make them wait for me to get ready (30+ minutes) or simply say "I'm busy now"...

If they don't get the point, it's their fault.

[Zenbone]

Certain friends used to wonder why I got pissed off when they were consistently late. Eventually I realized it wasn't just certain friends, it was bloody fookin' everybody.

Many years ago I made a new years resolution, the only one I ever kept: Be late, or at least never be early. *** 'em all.

Now I fit in just fine and no one notices I'm late, because they're late too, the bastards.

[kmkkid]

My friends always show up on time, cause I'm the one paying.

[historylme]

In most Latin American countries you set a date to give people an estimated time of arrival.
i.e. whatever starts at 8pm. People begin show up at 9pm.

I'm with Simplelife on this, although I try to be on time myself. If people show up later than usual, it's up to them. I don't expect them to be dependable, I don't rely on that. I only demand that of myself.

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by Railroader

Unreliable=not my friend.

Part of friendship is being reliable. I say: let the unreliable rely on each other.

If I applied that standard for friendship, I'd not have any friends. Human beings are inherently unreliable.

[starman]

Originally Posted by Chuckit

If I applied that standard for friendship, I'd not have any friends. Human beings are inherently unreliable.

EVERY time, several HOURS late ALL THE TIME?

That's pretty inexcusable.

Mike

[RAILhead]

I fire people for being late to work.

/just sayin'

[PacHead]

"Unreliable" friends is sort of an oxymoron.

If somebody is constantly unreliable, they're not a true friend.

[Cadaver]

I have a close friend, practically a brother, who can't show up on time for something to save his life. Aside from that one thing, he's completely trustworthy. Weird. I'm amazed he made it to his own wedding on time.

[tooki]

Originally Posted by AB^2=BCxAC

asserting their dominance, are self-centered, insensitive, emotionally stunted (caught at about age 13) and pathologically spiteful: everything you'd expect they'd be, but never knew there are case studies proving it!

Wow. You just described to a T the "friend" that I cut off 2 weeks ago. I've had tons of trouble with unreliable people, and have decided that they have no place in my life. I realized that the stress they put on me has made me unreliable sometimes, which I don't want to be.

So yeah, my vote is to cut off such "friends". You deserve better.

tooki

[SimpleLife]

Originally Posted by AB^2=BCxAC

I've read in a few psychiatry books that people who show up late all the time are asserting their dominance, are self-centered, insensitive, emotionally stunted (caught at about age 13) and pathologically spiteful: everything you'd expect they'd be, but never knew there are case studies proving it!

And so are the people expecting to be at the appointment on time all the time. This interpretation is a gross evaluation; people being late can be for various reasons, even when it is chronic.

[SimpleLife]

Originally Posted by tooki

Wow. You just described to a T the "friend" that I cut off 2 weeks ago. I've had tons of trouble with unreliable people, and have decided that they have no place in my life. I realized that the stress they put on me has made me unreliable sometimes, which I don't want to be.

So yeah, my vote is to cut off such "friends". You deserve better.

tooki

If I may ask, how was it stressful for you?

[von Wrangell]

Originally Posted by MallyMal

Naw, I don't have any unreliable friends because once someone proves to be unreliable I get them away from me.

OK, I give them a chance or two to prove that I was wrong but if they continue to fail I stop having contact with them.

[von Wrangell]

Originally Posted by Doofy

I agree with the sentiments so far.

But it could be worse - I have one friend who always turns up a half hour to an hour earlier than arranged. Like, "come over at 9 pm, we'll go out" - he'll arrive at 8:15 pm when I'm in the bathroom getting ready.

This reminds me of how it was when I lived in Sweden. If my parents were arranging a dinner party and would invite both Swedes and Icelanders they would tell the Swedes 18:00 and the Icelanders 17:00. That way they all showed up at the same time. 18:15.

[von Wrangell]

Originally Posted by RAILhead

I fire people for being late to work.

/just sayin'

[simonjames]

Being punctual is important - especially if you're going to see a movie or if the person is more than 30 minutes late all the time

I have what I call the baseball rule - 3 strikes and they're out

You don't have to tell them - just be non-committal to any plans and don't phone them. They'll drift off in their own little world and you can get on with your life

good luck

[OreoCookie]

It's also a cultural thing. Japanese are painfully early, usually time -15 minutes. As Germans, Scandinavians and other countries, punctuality is important and time is absolute. Latin Americans on the other hand tend to have a more relative perception of time. Being late seems to be no biggie for them.

Personally, I think +20 minutes is acceptable (it's one S train by public transportation, say you miss one or so). Women get a little extra for make-up and all.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

(it's one S train by public transportation, say you miss one or so).

Ja ja, immer eine S-Bahn zu spaet, das erinnert so an frueher...

-t

[SimpleLife]

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

Women get a little extra for make-up and all.

That should be encouraged actually.

[Atomic Rooster]

Originally Posted by SimpleLife

If I may ask, how was it stressful for you?

My take on this:

Friendship like marriage requires work. When you're always working to make a friendship go smoothly it isn't fun anymore like friendship should be and it's depressing to watch a friendship go down the drain after many years.

= stressfull.

[Spliff]

Originally Posted by Cadaver

I have a close friend, practically a brother, who can't show up on time for something to save his life. Aside from that one thing, he's completely trustworthy. Weird. I'm amazed he made it to his own wedding on time.

That's like me. I'm always late by 15-30 minutes. I'm a chronic lollygagger. However, I'm absolutely reliable in everything else. Punctuality is for fascists

[Salty]

I have a wide variety of friends. Keeps thing interesting.

That said. When we're going out I make sure to call around and see who's available and if they're not that's fine. I try and set things up some times but... lately I just ask em when they think they'd be able to do something and hope they're still available on that day.
That said, as far as people doing things for me. I don't ask. At least for the most part. Most of the things I need to have done I can do myself. I learned a long time ago, most people don't care what you have going on, and they don't want to help you with your stuff unless they have a real reason to.
This Saturday I was helping a couple from my church with their basement because I love them to death, and they feed me when I'm over . They can ask me for just about any manual labour that I know how to do and I'm entirely fine with it, I'll spend the whole day running around with em to do stuff and that's OK. That said, to be quite frank if most people asked me to do that I'd figure out a reason why I couldn't go. Why? Because most people aren't as warm, kind, and just fun to be around as this couple.
But for the most part, anything that I decide to take on, I make sure that if everyone who is supposed to help me ditches me I'm still OK. If I take on anything bigger I make sure that I have people that care about me and will want to help me around.
But one thing that I've learned to really dislike is an attitude of "Everyone should help me when I decide to take on a task" both my mother and sister have this mentality. Mom'll decide to do something that she knows she will need help with, and treat me as if I have some sort of obligation to help her. Now that sounds reasonable right? Help your mom sure... but when it's 24 hours a day 7 days a week and the only time she bothers to talk to you is when she wants you to clean something, or drive somewhere with her to pick something up or set up chairs at her church (the one which you left because the leadership are a bunch of ******** and which apparently doesn't have members of it's own to set up it's own bloody chairs!) it gets really frustrating. Especially when you have your day already planned out.
My sister's even worse, because she doesn't have the fact that she's my mom as leverage. So most of the time I simply ignore the lists of tasks that she gives me, she gets pissed and I walk away.

As for people not showing up when they're supposed to. Lots of people will say yes because they don't have the balls to say no to your face. Or because they'd like to but they honestly don't care.
Working with teenagers really drives this home. I have one kid who isn't even a Christian coming out to my Bible study every week and he WANTS to be there, partly because he loves hanging around with me (big funny fat guy with a pool, what's not to love?). As well his soon to be step sister also comes because in her words I'm, "The coolest youth sponsor EVER!" However I have some other kids that come out when they can, or sometimes they won't because they don't feel like it. I don't get offended, I've earned the trust, respect, and loyalty of some of my kids, and others I haven't as much.
Though in some cases people just forget and no matter how much they care about you they'll still forget.

My big thing is not so much with people not showing up on time (I'm almost always 10 minutes late because things pop up that I didn't plan for) my big thing is with friends who just don't realize how you will feel when they say or do something. Those are the ones that actually really end up frustrating and making me feel hurt.

[OreoCookie]

Originally Posted by turtle777

Ja ja, immer eine S-Bahn zu spaet, das erinnert so an frueher...

-t

Man kann's meist auf den MVV schieben. Wirklich

[Kevin]

Too many people are inconsiderate and self centered.

They aren't hard to spot. I tend to make a point not to rely on these people.

[moonmonkey]

The way I see it is if you are meeting someone who is on their own, don't be late at all.

If you are meeting a group of friends, then its not a big deal if you are 30 mins late, but you should SMS them to let them know.

Never ever ever be late for anything related to work for any reason, or you deserve to be fired.

[starman]

Cutting people off isn't easy, though.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by starman

Cutting people off isn't easy, though.

True! Especially if you like the person, but hate their habits.

-t

[bkelly]

I don't have any unreliable friends. Come to think of it, I don't have any reliable friends either.

[Salty]

Originally Posted by starman

Cutting people off isn't easy, though.

Depends on who you are

After I move out my family will be largely cut out of my life. I guess I'll let my parents see the grand kids when they're born (assuming they're both not dead by then, they're not in that great of health largely because they don't really take care of themselves.) but other than that. There's a decent chance I'll move away from home and won't see them that often, and I'm not gona bother trying to keep in touch.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by bkelly

I don't have any unreliable friends.

Maybe YOU are the unreliable friend to them... :hmm
If you find everyone else reliable, it's probably because you are always the last to come

-t

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by Salty

After I move out my family will be largely cut out of my life.... and I'm not gona bother trying to keep in touch.

Wow, you must have great parents. [/sarcasm]

-t

[Kevin]

That is messed up Salty.

[bkelly]

Maybe YOU are the unreliable friend to them... :hmm
If you find everyone else reliable, it's probably because you are always the last to come

I guess my humor was too dry. There is no "them". No unreliable, or reliable friends equals NO friends.