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This MacWorld, Steve will step on stage and say...
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Metzen
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Jan 2, 2002, 12:03 AM
 
This is a simple forum based game. We start with the initial sentence:

This MacWorld, Steve will step on stage and...

and then each poster posts something (preferably fun) regarding this. I'll go first:

1) Say he hates jeans and turtlenecks and from now on will wear only expensive suits.
2) Bring on a Rev. A iMac with OpenGL support
3) Throw digital camera's at the audience
4) Realize he just wasted an hour of the keynote because he was jamming to music on his iPod.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
E. F. Schumacher
     
CollinG3G4
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Jan 2, 2002, 12:07 AM
 
Grab his bottal of water
Open it
Take a drink
Set the water down
Put his hands to geather and say
"We've got some really great stuff for you today!"
     
Dogma
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Jan 2, 2002, 12:30 AM
 
"We introduced our breakthrough new Digital Lifestyle product, the iPod, our fantastic new music player, in Novemeber, and I've got to say that demand for this thing has been great. It's been a real struggle trying to keep this thing in deman... sorry, in supply.

Have you seen, it's so cool, I love it... etc."

Snore.

Three hours later and nothing interesting later.

"Oh, I almost forgot to say that we've just completed the aquization of Motorola Inc, and we have taken over several of their technoligies and put the letter 'i' in front of them. This also means that we will be able to put even more people out of work than Motorola managed, because these are obviously idiots and we don't want them working for us, we just wanted the patent to the AltiVec system and all the other technolgies that they'd been sitting doing nothing with for the past 3 years."

"And one more thing, we have an exciting new product for you today. We looked at the blah dee blah, and thought blah dee blah months ago that, "this is great, but how are we gonna make it better", so we've been very hard at work for the last blah dee blah long, and I'd just like you to introduce you to the new i-blah dee blah."

i-blah dee blah floats in on the magical black podium.

"Isn't it beautiful? I just can't get over how beautiful this thing is. I promise you all want one of these, but just let me go through some of the stuff i-blah dee blah can do etc."
Hark, I hear a robin sig'ing in the trees!
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or am I wrog? Why can't I sig?
     
Raman
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Jan 2, 2002, 12:50 AM
 
Walk out on stage
Grab bottle of water
Take a drink
"We've got some great stuff for you today"

[Insert 2 hours of how cool the iPod is and this new thing called "MP3"]

"Oh and we have 1 more thing.. We have changed our name from Apple to the Microsoft Macintosh Business Unit"
     
darcybaston
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Jan 2, 2002, 01:36 AM
 
"and now, Apple something something, steve jobs"

Black turtle neck, crowd roaring, walks out into center stage without a water bottle. Brings hands in praying stance together and with head lightly leaned forward puts them under his nose, to his mouth and thinks for a second before he pushes them away towards the audience a little and begins to speak:

"Thank you for joining us here today. We have some exciting things to share with you.Not only was our last year very exciting as during an economic slump we did this and that, this and that, but this new year will be even better. Let me show you what we did that nobody else could."

Then walks over to stage left to get the water, drink, grab his slide changing thingy and looks at big projection screen to make sure it works flawlessly, then down at his monitor then aims the clicker and pushes a magical, "lets go" button, while thinking to himself, "if this f'n thing doesn't work, I'm going to fire that blond techie right there who's looking at me". Screen changes to view of digital lifestyle, and he begins reviewing where they are.

Once he gets to the iPod, it gets a demo, the information, pulls it out of his pocket 'aha, betchya didn't know I was carying this' and a commercial is demoed. Before or later depending on when he did the hands on demo, his voice is pausing here and there while the normal delays of iPod use (like when selecting a song before it plays loudly) force those pauses.

Something goes wrong with the iPod demo and the computer. He then faces the challenge of rebuilding hype. He'll say something amusing while thinking to himself, "yup, that blonde kid is McDonald's fodder for sure. I'll give him a side order of iPods right up his ***".

When the iPod prez is over, it's time to move to the digital camera, but quickly since he's shown this already on a few other expos. The camera works, and everybody in hard hats removes their battle gear, or should they?

Mac OS X time. The clock, the predictions, the vendor announcements, the demos, the skinny on 10.1 and new comitments and old comitments and demonstrations. Not of the new exciting products we've been dying for, but those other ones with the exception and including a demo of WC III from Blizzard.

Then its intro of all new OS X apps by Adobe et al.

Then it's hardware intro time. Bumped up G4s, maybe a portable bump or something but the hype is on the new 1Ghz+ towers with a bus and ram improvement I hope. Dual 1GHz chips, blowing away the 1.7 GHz or more competitors, but with more than photoshop. Maybe a Maya comparison (gotta show that heavy weight in there somewhere), and maybe ending with an Applescript performance demo that the Wintel...can't...even...begin or hope to do.

A review of iBooks and TiBooks, not necessarily for updates but what they are and what they're great for. We know that already, but it's nice to ride this one to build confidence in our past or future purchase.

Then, LCD iMac time. The water intake has slown down and he is pensively walking towards the front, with his hands in the clasp lotus position (you know what I mean) under his nose before the angle towards us again and his intro goes from slow, to a little staggard in big superlative words to fluid excitement. Insert hand gestures here and there for, "and this was designed, and this was the goal and this was achieved, and nobody this nobody that, all LCD company etc." The new iMac comes out, spins around on its sleek black pedestal, commercials, product hype movie and so on.

Their digital lifestyle goal is well underway, and they have to add one...last...thing. iPhoto. They demo it on the bumped up G4 tower, using OS X 10.1.2, or some internal build and the speed is so incredible, anybody with a dual 867 G4 is amazed. iPhoto rocks, and Apple reaffirms its relationship with Adobe showing that Apple's software can do this and that, but the real guns are with Adobe. But that this is the first OEM version of photo software that's free, uncrippled and the easiest to ues on the planet. With FX and layouts similar to iDVD where everything can be drag and drop. Want to add a drop shadow, drag and drop the drop shadow icon from the left onto the text etc. Borrowing from Photoshop Elements to some degree, but where the software controls the amateur in a comfortable level, and has customizing features.

Recap of Apple's comitment, sales success, hype this, hype that, go with us for the long haul, we're where we said we would be (shareholder confidence) (store lack of profits is omitted), last year was our best, and this year will be even better.

Ok, done. Kids/choir/chanting song with African drums play as he walks off and crowd is invited to exit the room.

Darcy

ps:accept all forms of negative exageration as humorous and entertaining because we accept people for who they are and especially when we have it all wrong. Ok, when *I* have it all wrong, no offence intended.

[ 01-02-2002: Message edited by: darcybaston ]
Macbook (white glossy) 2.16GHz | 4GB RAM | 7200RPM HD | 10.5.x
     
JoeG4
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Jan 2, 2002, 02:28 AM
 
The stage lights up, Steve jobbs comes out with two bottles of water.

"hello, everyone (gulp), I'm really glad you all came here today, we're going to show some new and exciting things"

"(sigh) I didn't get any sleep last night, but now, (talks about digital lifestyle, shows how apple has improved upon it)

(now he grabs a bottle of water and drinks it, and starts the slide show... As it starts, a big blue screen of death pops up, and everyone takes shock.

Steve Jobbs laughs and says something funny, Spilling the bottled water all over the floor as the bottle shakes in his hands.. the imac LCD comes speeding out at about 500mph, flying off the pedestal and smashing into a wall of the auditorium.

Steve jobbs thinks to himself: Damnit, why did they use the same pedestal from the old imac?

Amazingly, the imac was okay, someone returns it to him, and he presents how great it is with digital lifestyle, suddenly a G4 is dropped from the ceiling, landing on yet another pedestal, but missing by about 3 inches.

Jobbs grabs the bottle of water, and swallows it whole.

(another hour of how great OS X is, and how they've just discontinued all the quicksilvesrs, and they'll never be supported again)

As people exit, they are handed a book of free iMac LCD coupons to enjoy at the apple store.
I have quit MacNN effective at 5:00:00 PM, January 25, 2001.

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usedmac
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Jan 2, 2002, 03:17 AM
 
Walk out on stage
Grab bottle of water
Take a drink
"We've got some really great stuff for you today"

iTunes w/ iPod
OS X
iDVD

"almost 4 years ago, we revolutionized consumer computing with the iMac. I'm pleased to say that we have improved upon that and today marks the beginning of the new revolution." New iMac.

Faster PowerMacs.

One more thing....

"Thank you for coming. We invite you to come back and take a look at our amazing new products tomorrow. Thank you."
-THIS SPACE FOR RENT-
     
JoeG4
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Jan 2, 2002, 04:20 AM
 
One more thing.. free G5's for everyone!!!

(includes a 22" cinema LCD)
I have quit MacNN effective at 5:00:00 PM, January 25, 2001.

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suprz
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Jan 2, 2002, 08:11 AM
 
[QUOTE]Originally posted by JoeG4:
[QB]The stage lights up, Steve jobbs comes out with two bottles of water.

(now he grabs a bottle of water and drinks it, and starts the slide show... As it starts, a big blue screen of death pops up, and everyone takes shock.

must be using OSX..........
"The only time that man gets to actually leave a physical mark upon this earth is in death, and even then, it is only a gravestone proclaiming his demise"
     
JoeG4
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Jan 2, 2002, 08:14 AM
 
rofl. Imagine seeing a 2 foot tall version of the kernel panic

Kernel Panic.
We're hanging here.
I have quit MacNN effective at 5:00:00 PM, January 25, 2001.

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--Helen--
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Jan 2, 2002, 10:27 AM
 
-and start bashing watermelons, and other sorts of fruits with slegehammers like Galliger.
     
JoeG4
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Jan 2, 2002, 10:37 AM
 
*watches the hammer freeze in the air*

POLICE! EVERYONE PUT THEIR HANDS UP!
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FulcrumPilot
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Jan 2, 2002, 10:48 AM
 
"Phew! thank you everyone for being here! This is a historic event, in this show today we will wow everyone and change the way people do a few things in their lives"

<after a lot of sales pitch he unveils a computer that looks like the old iMac!!!!>

"Now this machine will truly change the way you will compute and do something else!!!!"

"Although it looks unchanged, let its appearance not fool you!"

"It has the most amazing lcd screen for amazingly clarity"!

<blah blah blah>

"What is also very unique about this machine is that you can slide the screen out, and stick your head inside the machine and get a haircut!!!!!"

<audience is enthralled!! roaring with applause!!>
_,.
a solitary firefly flies at nite
into the darkness an endless flight
a million flashes of delight.
     
JoeG4
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Jan 2, 2002, 10:51 AM
 
Steve jobbs steps onto the stage, but quickly falls off it..

Hello everyone. Boy am I f(censored)ing drunk, I had a ffew beers last night.

*presses abunch of buttons and all the new computers fall from the pedestals that rolled out way too fast*

*gulps down abottle of beer* now I'd like to tell ya'll to enjoy these, here's some free money
I have quit MacNN effective at 5:00:00 PM, January 25, 2001.

Goodbye. (nobody banned me)
     
m a d r a
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Jan 2, 2002, 12:36 PM
 
This MacWorld, Steve will step on stage and say...

"jeezus! my nobby stiles aren't half givin me some gyp today!'"

inserts finger in crack of arse and hokes around a bit.

"never mind turtlenecks. i think i've got the turtle's head here"

[sound FX] creaking

removes finger from arse and sniffs it

"phew! i knew i shouldn't have had that kebab and six pints of cider last night... anyway we got some great things for you today. first off a new colour for the imac... 'bum grape'... sh*t! there i go again!"

[ 01-02-2002: Message edited by: m a d r a ]
     
JoeG4
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Jan 2, 2002, 12:50 PM
 
I thought I'd make a quick side step to tell you something about how rediculous I am, so don't take me seriously.

I got on Macnn at about 12 or 1 AM in the morning, it's now 8:40, and I stopped 'flooding' as some are calling it, about two hours ago.

That makes 240 responses. Amazing how boring we mortals can be eh?

Now, to the topic: (my mind's awake again!)

Steve jobbs runs from the back, and hops up onto the stage, with his big turtleneck of course.

"Hello everyone, welcome to Macworld SF, I'm Steve Jobs, and I am here to present some VERY exciting things to you! Sit back, and prepare yourself for some of the amazing things in the world, as we complete the digital lifestyle!"

*a screen drops down from the ceiling* (steve jobs grabs his clicker and hits some buttons), blah-blah, steve jobs did this, and we did that to make it better, and now we're here.

Steve jobs turns at the audience with a serious face "I would now like to say all G4 quicksilvers had self-destruct mechanisms in them and will now self destruct, then hang for a rediculously long time."

"No longer will we support any new g4's, but instead be assimilating all mac users into buying pathetic garbage, that we market the crap out of, and then hop on to something so much better, that everyone has to buy that, too"

"I would furthermore like to tell you about OS Y, the best version of Mac OS yet, we dumped the whole X idea and came out with even more goofy functions that even the supercomputers we sell can't take."

(a g5 rolls out, on a cart), Here, we have a G5, the newest revolution to render all quicksilvers pieces of junk, inside we have Rambus DRAM, a Pentium 4 processsor with Crapola technology, yes the stuff you PC nerds have been talking about so much, and, for once, instead of Microsoft imitating us, we will imitate them.

For now on, all versisons of current and new macs will Include forcefully used versions of Apple Internet Explorer, which has a very similar logo, but an apple logo, and the LUNA theme, which consists of green, and blue themes, and a lot of other pathetic fisher price crap.

I have also decided to give away Apple to Microsoft, who now owns IBM, Apple, SUN, Aol Timewarner, and Macworld.

Thank you for coming, you will now all be sued by Bill Gate's executive lawyer team.
I have quit MacNN effective at 5:00:00 PM, January 25, 2001.

Goodbye. (nobody banned me)
     
maxelson
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Jan 2, 2002, 12:53 PM
 
Steve will not step onstage. He will truck in on a Ginger. I have no other predictions at this time. Thank You. Good afternoon.

I'm going to pull your head off because I don't like your head.
     
marusin
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Jan 2, 2002, 01:05 PM
 
You know, I have a feeling that the Segway is going to make an appearance as well... (let's just hope it's just Steve riding in on one and not an "Apple Branded iSegWay")

Originally posted by maxelson:
<STRONG>Steve will not step onstage. He will truck in on a Ginger. I have no other predictions at this time. Thank You. Good afternoon.</STRONG>
     
MacGorilla
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Jan 2, 2002, 01:18 PM
 
I am tendering my resignation as CEO of Apple. I'm sick of dealing with you bunch of Mac babies! I mean, we release the greatest products on the planet and all you can do is bitch and moan.

Mac OS X is great but we want labels and spring loaded folders...waaaaaaah! I want a Ghz G4 never mind the current G4 is powerful enough to launch a nuclear strike against Mars, compute Pi to a billion digits and let you play F'in Quake 3, all the same time! Waaaah! I'm sick of it! iPod is Mac only waaaaaaah! Well course it's Mac only, what do you think we'd do, release it for Windows? get a life you freakin' Mac heads waaaaaaah! Port Mac OS X to crappy hardware? Great then we'd have to support a bizillion configurations and make cases from spare Space Shuttle heat tiles because the f'in dual Pentium 4s will generate enough heat to be detectable from Alpha Centauri waaaaaaah!

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capuchin
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Jan 2, 2002, 01:58 PM
 
1) Walks on stage in Turtleneck/jeans combo™
2) Bottle of water
3) Blah blah iPod
4) Bottle of water
5) Blah blah OS X
6) Blah blah existing portables
7) Even more water
8) Becomes so excited halfway through photoshop bake-off that he drinks even more water and ends up peeing himself
9) Introduces new iMac red-faced, from behind podium
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chris v
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Jan 2, 2002, 02:21 PM
 
I just flew in from Cupertino, and boy are my arms tired!

*ba-dump, crash!*

No, seriously... Take the iPod..... Please!

*ba-dump, crash!*


Sorry, couldn't help myself.

CV

When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. -- Jonathan Swift.
     
Lerkfish
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Jan 2, 2002, 03:00 PM
 
...steps onto stage, and morphs into Quasmo-lipid, king of the reptilian battle-caste enforcers from the planet Zirmorluken.

"Muwahahahahahahahah! er...who took my little 3 by 5 cards?" swishes his 12 foot serrated tail to and fro searching.
"well, no matter. Listen up, carbon based consumption modules! Here's the latest:" lifts up a seven-fingered limb with a wrist watch on it.
"Simply think about what you want...be sure to think different!"
the audience gasps as a 50-foot cubic holographic colloid appears above the sauropod's crown. Within the image can be seen the secret to the mystery of life, as well as genetic codes for creating subserviant berwillian sex-slaves and the formula for eternal youth.

The audience collapses in a frenzy of mouth-slobbering stupefaction.
Steve Jobs steps over the front row and begins to feed on the carcasses.

....well....they said beyond the rumor mills, right?

     
ajprice
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Jan 2, 2002, 03:12 PM
 
This MacWorld, Steve will step on stage and...

introduce his successor, Mr Michael Dell!

It'll be much easier if you just comply.
     
Millennium
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Jan 2, 2002, 04:43 PM
 
Originally posted by Metzen:
<STRONG>This is a simple forum based game. We start with the initial sentence:

This MacWorld, Steve will step on stage and...</STRONG>
...he'll say "Zeeky Boogy Doog!" and the place will blow up, including all the plans and prototypes for the $400, 1.5-GHz, six-slot, flatscreen G5 machines running OSX 10.2 that were going to be introduced at the show. And so we'll be stuck where we are for yet another two years.
You are in Soviet Russia. It is dark. Grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!
     
MacGorilla
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Jan 2, 2002, 06:07 PM
 
Steps on a stage and says, "I love this company YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
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JoeG4
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Jan 3, 2002, 08:38 PM
 
1.Steve will step on stage (this time there's a water dispenser full of water)
2.Steve sets that refilled bottle of water (the one with the torn up label) on the podium
3.Ipod this that, digital lifestyle, Steve Jobs this that, OS X will do this and that blah blah
4. Long drink from bottle of water, refill time.
5. Another sip
6. More blah blah about OS X and Digital Lifestyle
7. More blah blah, the machines we all proudly bought and paid over $4000 for are now worth jack shit, more blah blah about a revolutionary machine that's 200mhz faster and costs half the price
8. More blah blah about a faster iMac with yet again a CRT
9. More blah blah about the quicksilvers at 933mhz
10. Comparing a 933mhz to a 2.0ghz P4, and how it's 86% faster than the P4 at redrawing a picture in Photoshop (though they prepped the machine and it's only a movie they made up)
11. How mac OS X is getting so much better but it's still so new that it's destined to be a living hell of either get the old programs that go slow as hell on your DP, or live with OS X and no support for anything else.
12. We now give you a 3 day warranty and chain you to your quicksilver
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Stogieman
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Jan 3, 2002, 09:48 PM
 
Steve runs up and down on stage like a rabid monkey, wearing a blue long sleeve shirt with large pit stains while dancing to the song "Get on Your Feet" by Miami Sound Machine. He nearly looses his bald cap while clapping and leading the crowd into the chant, "Developers...developers...developers!"

Slick shoes?! Are you crazy?!
     
   
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