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thinking about suicide -- down to my last straw
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MacGallant
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Nov 13, 2008, 03:25 PM
 
I've been thinking about suicide more and more now over the last few years. . .
esp. now. . .

I'll come clean, I'm manic depressive (aka bi-polar), with auditory hallucinations during manic stages and depressive stages (and I won't know it during the moment), like when I'm manic, I'll hear someone nearby say I'm hot, good looking, lovable and I would feel attractive and good about myself, and when I'm depressed I'll here someone say I'm ugly and that they hate me and I would feel ugly and like trash too; currently I'm stuck in the depressive stage for a long time. . .

Throughout my life I never had much close friends, just acquaintances. . . I have intimacy issues and very poor/awkward social skills to initiate and maintain friendships. . .
I'm an attention whore craving attention but my life is like a wallflower. . . I feel insignificant and invisible. . .

I wonder if I'm really alive sometimes but I know I am because I feel a lot of heartbreaking emotional pain and I puncture my fingers with push pins to feel physical pain and see my own blood. . .

I keep on relapsing due to a lack of a support network (no friends or caring relatives). . .

I never finished college and lack significant/relevant work skills/experience. . .

I was wallowing in pain and misery since age 14 and the pain and the burden to live keeps getting worse overtime. . .

I feel that no one loves me or cares about me and that I want to die. . .

What's the point of going on when I'm so empty, hopeless and without purpose. . .

It's all downhill from here. . .

I feel like I'm the last person alive on Earth. . . I feel so alone and hopeless. . .

I have nothing going for me, all my life people and family tell me that I'm stupid, ugly and useless. . . My father actively encourages me to commit suicide and I feel like giving in more and more as time goes by. . . yes I live with my parents, I'm a pathetic loser. . .

sorry for the rant but I have no other outlet to vent my sorrows. . .
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Laminar
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Nov 13, 2008, 03:32 PM
 
Seek help. There are places set up to help you out, find them.

Also find something worth living for - a cat, a hobby, etc. - something to enjoy, it will make life a more worth living.
     
MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 03:41 PM
 
I am in therapy. . . I have a pet dog. . .

But these things don't seem to help. . . I still feel sad, hopeless and morbidly alone. . .

I know having close friends would help but I don't have any. .

My life is really messed up . . . I come from a dysfunctional family. . .

I just have distant acquaintances that I rarely see or talk to. . .

I feel like I'm dead inside. . . just a matter of time before the body follows . . .
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moep
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Nov 13, 2008, 03:42 PM
 
Find a professional, definitely. It’s nothing to be ashamed about.

Also, how old are you? And what’s up with your father “actively encouraging you to commit suicide”?
If you feel like talking to someone via IM, shoot me a PM and I’ll give you my details.
I’m 22 and went through depressions before, although none were quite as severe as yours.
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Big Mac
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Nov 13, 2008, 03:44 PM
 
I'm so sorry, MacGallant. Don't harm yourself. There are people who care.

"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground." TJ
     
MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 03:54 PM
 
I was always on the verge of suicide since I was 15 and my younger brother would always bring me back. . but we separated now. . . He's in Cali and I moved to NYC. . .

My brother was the only support and real friend and companion I had. . .
and now I'm so alone. .

How old am I, you ask? I not a scrappy kid or teenager anymore, I feel old, let's just say that I'm older than 22. . . I'm embarrassed about my age. . . I feel like an invalid. . . esp. because I'm getting older and I'm not in college anymore and I don't have a job. . .

I'm actively looking for work in NYC and I keep getting turned down. I got a job interview at a NY Mac dealership and at an Applestore but I failed the job interviews. . . I applied for work at Macy's, Borders, Staples over the past few months and today I applied for work at Target and Burlington Coat factory and probably nothing will come of it. . .
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Nov 13, 2008, 04:06 PM
 
DON'T DO IT!!!!!


If you are in therapy see about getting a change in medication. You shouldn't be having such wild mood swings with a properly regulated medicine. These mood swings are definitely not good for you.

Go to a drop-in clinic, call a crisis hotline, go to a church or other house of worship, heck just take a walk around the reservoir in Central Park and look at the scenery. But do NOT do anything to end your life.

Be good to yourself and check back in here with us often to let us know you are still around. Peace!
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Nov 13, 2008, 04:06 PM
 
It can be very difficult to find a job when you're depressed. Mac places especially look for a certain kind of person; if you're down and depressed they'll be able to tell, and it'll hurt your chances of getting hired.

That being said, have you thought about looking into an inpatient facility? If you're to the point that therapy isn't helping (or you're hiding your true depression from your therapist, which is not uncommon), it might be worth considering getting yourself into a facility that can keep you from killing yourself.

Are you on any antidepressants? If not, it's something you should seriously look into. There's nothing wrong with getting some medical help for what is essentially a chemical imbalance in your brain.
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MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 04:11 PM
 
I don't care for material possessions much aside from my Macs. . .

My goal in life is the pursuit of happiness, and I define happiness as having true friends-- close friends who would stick by me through thick and thin and would be there for me no matter what and that they'll care for me and love me as only true friends would. . .

In terms of jobs, I don't expect much -- just something that'll allow me to make enough to be independent and enough to get by. . .
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Nov 13, 2008, 04:12 PM
 
first things first: google for a suicide help line in your area. when you are thinking suicidal thoughts, that's the disease talking, not you. Call and they can help.

There are self-help groups where you can go to talk, listen, or just be with people.

If you are having trouble getting medical help, visit a church and ask for help there. They will know how to put you in touch with free services. If you are having trouble affording medications, most pharmaceutical companies have programs offering low cost drugs.
     
MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 04:42 PM
 
Thank you everyone for listening and taking interest in my well being . . .

My life was one of solitude and I never had anyone to talk to aside from my brother and my therapist. . . I just started group therapy 2 weeks ago to get a perspective on life. . .

Can you imagine what it feels like to go through most of your life without talking to anyone and not having any real close friendships?

Having close friends would really make a difference in my life . . . even my therapist agrees. . . she encourages my to go to church and be more social. . . and I'm trying. . .

I went back to church after a period of absence, and I met a few new acquaintances, and I joined a gym and met a few acquaintences as well. . .

I'm not on anti-depressants, I'm on a mood stabilizer (lithium) and zyprexa (for its mood stabilizing effects and reducing auditory hallucinations during mania or depressive stages)

I don't want to be a stranger so here is an picture of me taken 2 months ago. . .
the picture looks gloomy but it is a very recent picture of myself, I know I look terrible and sad as well. . .
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lpkmckenna
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Nov 13, 2008, 04:46 PM
 
Originally Posted by MacGallant View Post
My goal in life is the pursuit of happiness, and I define happiness as having true friends-- close friends who would stick by me through thick and thin and would be there for me no matter what and that they'll care for me and love me as only true friends would. . .
As a stepping stone to that, maybe start with some casual aquaintances. For instance, if you joined an easy house league sport like bowling or volleyball, you'd see that group of friends every week. If you were in group therapy, or joined a Mac club, or went to church, you'd see that group every week. It's not easy making friends but it can much easier to join groups just to be socially active. The best strategy is to have small and reasonable goals, so maybe give yourself a break on deep, meaningful friendships for now.
In terms of jobs, I don't expect much -- just something that'll allow me to make enough to be independent and enough to get by. . .
ok but don't lose heart because you live at home and don't earn much. I'm 36 and just moved out after going home twice because of depression. You need to focus on being well first and being independant second. I know that's a hard truth to face, but no one is gonna judge you if your back was broken, so don't judge yourself because your mind isn't well.
     
MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 04:58 PM
 
thank you all for your advice and kind words-- Laminar, moep, Big Mac, shifuimam and Ipkmckenna

I will take take your advice to heart and continue to strive for wellness thanks to the encouragement from you all. . .

I didn't think anyone would respond to this thread and I'm touched by the kindness from all you guys
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Nov 13, 2008, 05:18 PM
 
Glad to have helped! I too have experienced depression, so I know how much it sucks. A small amount of anti-depressants really went a long way for me, so I know medication can help. Life is precious, and there are a number of ways to combat the darkness many of us have felt at times. You're definitely not alone.

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Nov 13, 2008, 05:20 PM
 
Originally Posted by MacGallant View Post
I didn't think anyone would respond to this thread and I'm touched by the kindness from all you guys
As a fellow MDD user, I've got to chime in as well. I don't know what to add since everyone else already provided great advice. I find that just posting at MacNN and going through the profiles page helps me learn more about the people here.

Have you tried chatting at #macnn on IRC? I've had some interesting conversations on there and friendships in the virtual world are not as meaningless as some people would have you believe.

Keep a positive outlook and visit this thread as often as you need to for reassurance.
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MarkLT1
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Nov 13, 2008, 05:37 PM
 
I wont delve into what others have said about getting some good professional help, other than to stress that it is a great idea...

Originally Posted by SSharon View Post
Have you tried chatting at #macnn on IRC? I've had some interesting conversations on there and friendships in the virtual world are not as meaningless as some people would have you believe.
I'll echo this sentiment. Having a social network online can definitely be easier if you tend to be socially awkward. Along with being easier, it can also boost your confidence, and teach you social skills in a very non-threatening setting. Taking the time to type out what you want to express gives you a moment to think before you express yourself. It gives you social "practice"- how to react to others, how to internalize what others express, etc.. at a speed you are comfortable with. And that practice can lead to being more comfortable and confident in "real world" settings- knowing how to express yourself to others, and take in what they are expressing. It may seem cheesy, but I have definitely found it to be true.

Hang in there MacGallant- Life can be tough at times, but there are so many things worth living for. You may not be able to see these things right now, but I can assure you, they are there, and you will find them (or maybe, they will find you! )
     
IceEnclosure
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Nov 13, 2008, 05:44 PM
 
A friend committed suicide two weeks ago. I admired this person, looked up to him, referred to him to others as someone who helped shape my youth and keep me out of trouble.

Only he didn't know this. I do a lot of living in my head and these feelings I had I never shared with him. Over the course of 20 years knowing him, I never let him know how cool I thought he was, because we were never that close. I feel terrible that he felt there were no more options and the pressure was too great. There's always more options. The pressure can be relieved.

Besides his family and close friends, he probably didn't bet on people like me, off in the distance, being heartbroken by what he did. I'm just glad that I saw him recently, a couple of months ago, with a huge smile on his face going on about something entertaining.

Your brother loves you. Your dog loves you! There are people that, whether you know it or not, admire and respect you, and would miss you and be heartbroken if you left.


Talk to counselors, call a hotline, get out of NYC, go see your brother. Stick around.
ice
     
sdilley14
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Nov 13, 2008, 06:27 PM
 
MacGallant:

Dude, you look like a normal, hip guy. We have the same glasses too. I know looks aren't everything, but just judging on that alone, you have no reason to be socially afraid. Get out there and socialize, get out of the house, chat it up with random people (that's something I'm working on. I'm currently studying a powerful self confidence methodology. Well, it covers self confidence and a lot more. PM me if you want more information on it).

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that you have nothing to be afraid of when it comes to making friends. It sounds like you're headed in the right direction (the gym is a great place to start). I don't know where you're from, but I'm sure you could go on the bodybuilding.com forums (don't let the name intimidate) and find lots of people in your area who are about your size, just getting started in working out, and would be more than happy to have a new partner to encourage them and share their struggles with. Working out is such a great way to make new friends and improve yourself in so many ways. And the people on that forum are nothing but kind and understanding.

That's just one suggestion. You see what I'm saying. You're gonna be fine man, just keep your head and take it one day at a time. You've got a good community of friends here you can turn to if you ever need someone to listen.
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Nov 13, 2008, 06:37 PM
 
As you've found out through the above replies, you are NOT alone. Maybe we can't give you a hug, or (directly) buy you a cup of coffee to sip while you vent, but that doesn't mean we aren't here. And we DO listen. This is a great group of people, in spite of the way we bicker at each other, and as you've seen, we provide a lot of support to each other.

In my experience (a bit more than "more than 22' years), one makes one's own meaning in life. And it can take a long, long time to actually find direction and purpose. I spent years and years doing a number of jobs that were "less than fulfilling" because I didn't see my direction. But through that time I gathered a huge amount of personal experience in dealing with people and situations, all of which will help me in my new profession. It took me a really long time to find that profession, but it looks very much like I would not be anywhere near as effective at it if I didn't have all that prior experience-which has nothing directly to do with that profession. Life is funny (odd AND amusing) that way.

One really important thing you can do NOW is to stop stressing over your life. It is what it is (I hate cliches, but this one fits). Instead of looking for a huge neon sign with flashing arrows that say "this is your purpose!!!", why not just relax and take stock of what you have and what you've done so far. Have a nice meal. Get a GOOD night's sleep. Find a good therapist and follow your medication regimen. The medication regimen is about the most important part of therapy, because it helps keep those manic periods from setting you up for really, REALLY stark depressive periods (like a roller coaster, the higher you go up, the farther you go down). And remember, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

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MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 06:43 PM
 
thanks for the kind words, everyone

It's a good feeling to know there are people that cares, esp. people in this forum. . .

I made a few acquaintances at the gym, mainly from yoga class. . .

sorry to hear your friend passing away via suicide, Iceenclosure. . .

suicide is final, and that's why I'm a coward. . .

thanks for the compliment sdilley14. . .

thanks for the encouragement Marklt1, ssharon, ghporter and big mac. . .

I'm trying to stay positive but it gets hard sometimes. . .

If you believe in God, could you please pray for me and that I'll find a light and a smile at the end of the tunnel

thanks everyone.

By the way, my name is Mike. . .
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Laminar
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Nov 13, 2008, 06:44 PM
 
How about some pictures of your dog?
     
MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 07:02 PM
 



My dog's name is Lisa, and she looks upset in this picture due to the flash from the camera.

My brother and I rescued her from the pound 3 years ago, if no one was going to take her that day, she was going to be put to sleep. . .
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Nov 13, 2008, 07:02 PM
 
Hey, Mike.

I echo the advice of several others who have already posted: seek counseling. My family put me into counseling when I was a teenager due to some writings they found of mine as well as other physical signs that things weren't "all right" with their quiet little son. I had been suffering from suicidal depression for over a year, but never could go through with it due to a faith I couldn't quite shake and a fear of making such a permanent decision that would greatly affect those around me.

I credit professional counseling, prayers, and a determination to fight through for my being alive (and very happy) today. Trust me from personal experience when I say that there IS a bright future ahead; don't give up on things right now!

You'll definitely be in my prayers. Feel free to private message me if you need anything like specific prayers, advice, or just needing to unload a bit.

You can make it through this. I promise.
     
IceEnclosure
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Nov 13, 2008, 07:07 PM
 
Originally Posted by MacGallant View Post
haha!

and as mentioned, you look like a cool dude. keep on truckin'.
ice
     
sdilley14
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Nov 13, 2008, 07:08 PM
 
Originally Posted by MacGallant View Post

My brother and I rescued her from the pound 3 years ago, if no one was going to take her that day, she was going to be put to sleep. . .
That's awesome. Cute dog too! I live on my own, but back home at my parent's house we have 13 beagles (crazy, I know). I make it back there once every couple of months. Nothing much makes me happier than rolling around with my 13 beagles.
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MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 07:24 PM
 
sdilley14,

I'm not normal, I'm really messed up, my life is messed up. . .

I hope to be normal and have a normal life one day . . . once the storm in my head and my problematic life gets resolved. . .

there are times when I get so sad, I cry uncontrollably in public on the train or when I sit alone in my room looking at old photos from yesteryears, weeping silent tears . . .
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Nov 13, 2008, 07:35 PM
 
I don't know the specfics for your friend, moonstar, but here are my reasons (which may be similar to your friend):
because life no longer seems worth living, when emotional pain turns physical (pain in the heart from long term sorrow becomes unbearable overtime),
hopelessness, feeling alone in the world and that no one understands you or cares, feeling left behind in life when everyone seems to be moving on to great things, feeling worthless, very low self esteem reinforced by negative self image, feeling like an invallid/loser
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sdilley14
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Nov 13, 2008, 07:49 PM
 
I always found certain music as a great means of help when I feel down. I call these CDs $15 therapy. Are you into any certain type of music?
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Jawbone54
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Nov 13, 2008, 08:09 PM
 
Originally Posted by sdilley14 View Post
I always found certain music as a great means of help when I feel down. I call these CDs $15 therapy. Are you into any certain type of music?
Seconded!

The type of music you're listening to can great affect your outlook, for better or worse.
     
MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 08:12 PM
 
yes, the genre varies. . .
some artists I like listening to are:

gigolo aunts, toad the wet sprocket, jesus and mary chain, radiohead (early stuff), matt wertz, U2, Takashi Sorimachi, Keane, coldplay, travis, bryan adams (early stuff), police, sting, all american rejects, ours, dashboard confessional (a few songs only), john mayer, smashing pumpkins (early stuff), Koji kikkawa (a few songs), Leslie Cheung, Alan Tam, Yutaka Ozaki, goo goo dolls, ella fitzgerald, green day, billie holiday (her greatest hits album), Takeshi Kaneshiro, Danny Chan, Rachael Yamagata. . .
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Nov 13, 2008, 08:15 PM
 
I came into this thread fully expecting an emo hate fest, but my expectations were not met.

MG, if you can win over the MacNN Lounge you can do anything!

Cheer up buddy, depression is hell (I've dealt with it, and I am dealing with friends who suffer from it), but it is temporary. Life is a rollercoaster, and just as sure as you are in the deepest dumps at the moment, you will bounce back up again! Go out there, get some confidence (perhaps find people with the same interests as you on the net) and talk to people.

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MacGallant  (op)
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Nov 13, 2008, 08:17 PM
 
thank you, erik
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Nov 13, 2008, 08:37 PM
 
Mike, just the fact that you decided to open up here means you don't really want to die. Take heart in the fact that all these people and myself feel concerned enough that we want you to get better. You need to get out of that house and away from emotional abuse as well, let's work on that. It's going to take a lot of baby steps, but it can be done. Start with the advice previously mentioned.
     
besson3c
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Nov 13, 2008, 09:51 PM
 
Hey MacGallant,

I went through a period of depression a while back, and pulled through too. It's kind of interesting that it seems like more people here have gone through depression of some form in their life than haven't, isn't it? Here are a few realizations of my own that hopefully will help you in some way:

- Don't bother comparing your depression or what you have gone through to anybody else. We all handle things differently at different times in our lives. For some people, something like a nasty breakup or divorce can bring them close to suicide, others are able to shake it off a little easier. We are all different, and there are simply too many variables to consider in worrying about how you're doing compared to others, so don't worry about if you're being tough enough or whatever, it's simply not worth the mental energy!

- People do care in general, but quite often the problem with humanity is that we get wrapped up with our own lives and become a little selfish with how we spend our time and to what extent we reach out, so don't take this sort of thing personally!

- Like others have said, clinical depression is a chemical imbalance. Don't listen to people who tell you to "man up", you can't help your chemistry any more than a short person can't help being short, or a tall person can't help being tall. My understanding is that some forms of depression can go away, some can't, but are usually treatable with the right balance of meds. This is going outside of my area of knowledge, but my point here is to not think think of yourself as weak or overly sensitive or something, there is not something that will go away with a little attitude adjustment or simplistic advice like "cheer up dude, put a smile on your face!" Then again, I'm sure I'm stating the obvious

- For me what really worked was a conscious decision that I was going to fight this, and that it was going to pass, and that I was going to overcome it. I figured what do I have to lose, I'm unhappy anyway? I realize there is no just-add-water solution and that this probably isn't all that helpful, but I thought I would share in case this has any value to you whatsoever.

It is quite evident here that people are really resonating with what you are saying, and really care for you. Keep fighting!
     
scaught
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Nov 13, 2008, 10:09 PM
 
Originally Posted by MacGallant View Post



My dog's name is Lisa, and she looks upset in this picture due to the flash from the camera.

My brother and I rescued her from the pound 3 years ago, if no one was going to take her that day, she was going to be put to sleep. . .
Mike - she's a great looking dog! Rescuing a dog from the pound is a noble thing and something I respect highly.

Besson3c and others have given some great advice. Be strong. You're obviously accepting that you need help. Now accept that you're going to beat this.
     
dcmacdaddy
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Nov 13, 2008, 11:31 PM
 
Mike,

I just wanted to follow up on what KeriVit said about needing to take baby steps to get yourself into a better place. You've obviously taken the first few steps on your own by getting into therapy, rescuing a dog, and reaching out to us here on the MacNN. I want to encourage you to keep taking those baby steps. It will not be easy nor will it be quick, but you will eventually beat it.

I beat almost a decade of severe chronic depression* (following one serious and one half-hearted suicide attempt) but it took me almost a decade to do so. You are on your way to beating this so don't stop. You will take a lot of little baby steps to get to where you exist in a better place. But you've got to remember that every day you don't kill yourself is another baby step closer to that better place. So be strong and take it day by day!


*The details are personal but suffice to say I know first-hand what occurred in the priest sex-abuse scandals of the 1980s.
One should never stop striving for clarity of thought and precision of expression.
I would prefer my humanity sullied with the tarnish of science rather than the gloss of religion.
     
ghporter
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Nov 13, 2008, 11:35 PM
 
Mike, Lisa is a doll! We have a rescue, named Silver. He's part Norwegian Elk Hound we think... And he is so wonderfully devoted to us. Having a rescue pet is a wonderful thing.

Some people have suggested music to help with the mood issues. One piece I really enjoy is "Pictures at an Exhibition" by Mussorgsky and orchestrated by Ravel (though the Emerson, Lake and Palmer version is also very good). It is majestic, soaring, and inspiring. I just sit and listen to it through a few times now and then. It's worth your time. Another is "Fanfare for the Common Man" by Copeland. Another soaring, inspiring piece. I find it hard to even be a little glum after listening to these tunes.

One more thing. Take a walk. A long walk. Go to an area that is familiar, that you feel comfortable in, and just walk. Day, night, it really doesn't matter. But the only thing you need to do while walking is to take in the world you're walking through. Notice the shops, the people, the traffic. That's the world, dude, and you're part of it. Paying a little attention to it can help you feel that more.

And as scaught has pointed out, give in to the fact that you will conquer this. We're here.

Glenn -----OTR/L, MOT, Tx
     
besson3c
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Nov 13, 2008, 11:55 PM
 
Yeah, ghporter's idea about walking is good. I was thinking of suggesting meditation, but I know that was hard for me when I wasn't feeling good about myself, but if you are able to just sort of turn off the world while you are walking so that it is a sort of walking meditation, that might be good. If an unpleasant thought comes up, just acknowledge it and let it go. Don't think about anything, just try to be aware of everything around you. The sound of traffic, birds, car horns, whatever... It can be really refreshing.
     
design219
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Nov 14, 2008, 12:03 AM
 
MacGallant, I'll pile on here and ask that you not harm yourself.

My dad committed suicide almost 20 years ago, a reaction to a permanent disability. He was a scientist, and today I think about the things he has missed that he would have loved. He missed out on what the Internet has done to change society. He didn't get to hear about all the planets recently discovered around other stars. He never got to know that his ulcers were caused by bacteria. He never got to see a black man win the presidency of the United States.

This is the thing that would keep me from ever wanting to leave... not knowing what happens next... what wonderful things will happen tomorrow... even what the next generation Mac will be like.
__________________________________________________

My stupid iPhone game: Nesen Probe, it's rather old, annoying and pointless, but it's free.
Was free. Now it's gone. Never to be seen again.
Off to join its brother and sister apps that could not
keep up with the ever updating iOS. RIP Nesen Probe.
     
Face Ache
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Nov 14, 2008, 12:36 AM
 
Originally Posted by dcmacdaddy View Post
The details are personal but suffice to say I know first-hand what occurred in the priest sex-abuse scandals of the 1980s.
You used to be a priest?!
     
zro
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Nov 14, 2008, 12:48 AM
 
Join a MUG.

If your therapy isn't group based, join one of those.

Read yourself to sleep.

Leave negative outside influences behind. If even just long enough to say, "**** that ****!"

Don't waste time wishing. I sure wish I hadn't.

And keep talking to anyone who will listen.
     
- - e r i k - -
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Nov 14, 2008, 12:53 AM
 
Originally Posted by Face Ache View Post
You used to be a priest?!
I was going to ask this, but decided against it

[ fb ] [ flickr ] [] [scl] [ last ] [ plaxo ]
     
olePigeon
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Nov 14, 2008, 12:57 AM
 
Having attempted suicide myself, you'll feel silly about it later on. I guarantee it. Everyone goes through crap when they're growing up.

I was a fat kid, a nerd, AND I played Dungeons & Dragons. Seriously, dude. People can be horrible and relentless, they're quick to point out things that are "wrong" with you. I had a triple play going for me and I'll tell you it wasn't easy until I got to college (which I didn't finish.) Suddenly I'm not so fat, chicks actually dig nerds, and Dungeons & Dragons demands respect from fearful old ladies on buses. Just accidently drop your 1979 copy of the Dungeon Master's Guide on the floor (you know, the one with the huge demon on the front) and watch people tremble in fear. Does he have a sword?! Will he use a Satanic ritual on me?! I don't know!

Guess what. I haven't finished college either, and don't plan to. Despite my dad telling me I need to finish college or I'll never have a great job and make lots money, I found a job I love. I work at an all Mac school district, helping to manage all the computers at a school. No college or anything, I just showed them that I knew a lot about Macs.

THAT, by the way, is a great tip. If you like working with Macs (or computers in general) schools are a great place to get a job. No College necessary. Classified jobs are almost always skill based. Plus, once you get your foot in the door, you're all set. Schools are very supportive of their staff, if you want switch directions in your career, they'll help you out big time (often by getting you a job you want without even worrying about an interview.) Plus, while you're working within the district, you don't even have to be qualified for higher step job; you just have to show that you're willing to learn the skills needed (they'll train you) and do it satisfactorily. So if you start off as a computer tech, you can take training courses and advance to a full on Network administrator or even Technology Coordinator for a whole district. A buddy of mine did that and he'd never even been to college. Went into the Marines right out of high school, started off as a tech, worked his way up to Technology Coordinator in only a few years.

I have an 8" scar on my left arm and it reminds me how lucky I am. You'll do fine.

P.S. Dungeons & Dragons is another good tip. If anything, you'll feel better about yourself just by looking at some of the people that play D&D. I mean, I'm not stereotyping or anything. OK, I am, but the game attracts a lot of fringe people, people who're probably having similar problems that you have. D&D players are generally accepting of anyone... and I mean anyone... like people you'd swear never heard of deodorant. So you might avoid some of those characters. However, you'll quickly find out that playing D&D with a bunch of geeks soon just becomes a time to just goof off with your new friends, it's not so much about D&D. It's just having fun, eating crap that's not good for you, and making endless movie quotes.

P.P.S. Doesn't have to be D&D, it can be any hobby. Whatever you like doing for fun there will be a group of people who meet up and do it. Like I said, you'll quickly discover that while the hobby is fun, it's more about being around people who share similar interests. You'll end up doing other stuff like bowling, seeing movies, dressing up as furry animals.

P.P.P.S. Forgot to mention I also play with model rockets. So chalk one more up on the Dork list for me.
( Last edited by olePigeon; Nov 14, 2008 at 01:11 AM. )
"…I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts
     
zro
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Nov 14, 2008, 01:02 AM
 
Originally Posted by olePigeon View Post
Peopel can be horrible and relentless, they're quick to point out things that are "wrong" with you.
Your spelling needs improvement. Probably your keyboard skills, too.
     
Visnaut
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Nov 14, 2008, 01:10 AM
 
Mike,

Lots of wonderful advice has already been mentioned above, by people who have been much closer to your situation than I have ever been. All I can do is affirm that people do care about you and the situation that you're in, and that you should follow that advice.

One thing I want to touch on is in response to what you said about you being a "coward": nothing could be further from the truth. You've openly admitted your problem in a public forum, you've posted a picture of yourself and let us into your life and feelings, and you're reaching out for help, both through therapy, and through this open call to help. All of that takes an incredible amount of courage; the kind that, honestly, a lot of the people you might consider "normal", don't even have, myself included. I admire the fact that you're letting us try to help you, and not bottling it all up inside. Remember what lpkmckenna, said: That's the disease talking, not any perceived weakness you may think you have, especially not cowardice.

You're on the right track, dude. Steer towards the positive things in life, those are going to help you take those baby steps. And for what it's worth, you're a handsome young man, you will have no problem attracting and keeping friends. First you need to reach out to those who will help you overcome your problem and begin the healing process. Everything else will follow naturally, I assure you.

Keep it up, buddy, and keep in touch with us, through the good times and the bad. We want you to get better and to stay a part of this community. I know you won't let us down.
     
Cipher13
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Nov 14, 2008, 01:10 AM
 
Originally Posted by MacGallant View Post
I've been thinking about suicide more and more now over the last few years. . .
esp. now. . .

I'll come clean, I'm manic depressive (aka bi-polar), with auditory hallucinations during manic stages and depressive stages (and I won't know it during the moment), like when I'm manic, I'll hear someone nearby say I'm hot, good looking, lovable and I would feel attractive and good about myself, and when I'm depressed I'll here someone say I'm ugly and that they hate me and I would feel ugly and like trash too; currently I'm stuck in the depressive stage for a long time. . .

Throughout my life I never had much close friends, just acquaintances. . . I have intimacy issues and very poor/awkward social skills to initiate and maintain friendships. . .
I'm an attention whore craving attention but my life is like a wallflower. . . I feel insignificant and invisible. . .

I wonder if I'm really alive sometimes but I know I am because I feel a lot of heartbreaking emotional pain and I puncture my fingers with push pins to feel physical pain and see my own blood. . .

I keep on relapsing due to a lack of a support network (no friends or caring relatives). . .

I never finished college and lack significant/relevant work skills/experience. . .

I was wallowing in pain and misery since age 14 and the pain and the burden to live keeps getting worse overtime. . .

I feel that no one loves me or cares about me and that I want to die. . .

What's the point of going on when I'm so empty, hopeless and without purpose. . .

It's all downhill from here. . .

I feel like I'm the last person alive on Earth. . . I feel so alone and hopeless. . .

I have nothing going for me, all my life people and family tell me that I'm stupid, ugly and useless. . . My father actively encourages me to commit suicide and I feel like giving in more and more as time goes by. . . yes I live with my parents, I'm a pathetic loser. . .

sorry for the rant but I have no other outlet to vent my sorrows. . .
Mate, you only get one chance, and you should make the most of it. You know you're bi-polar, so that's a start; when you're down, remind yourself why, and that it'll pass. There's medication that can do a remarkable job in alleviating bi-polar disorder - talk to a doctor about it. I've no experience with it myself but know people that do, and the difference when they're on their meds and off them is like night and day. I know it's not that easy but perhaps it's a start.

As for friends, well, some people aren't lucky enough to grow up with people they get along with. You've just gotta find a group you fit in with - whether on the 'net or elsewhere.

My suggestion is this: change your life up. Get a job, earn some money, and move out. You shouldn't be living with negative influences like your father seems to be.

You'll only get so far here though - seek professional help and just hang in there.
     
MarkLT1
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Nov 14, 2008, 10:55 AM
 
Hey MG-

Just checkin' in to see how you're doing today.

You ever thought about giving yourself a little "Mantra"? Something you can say to yourself (either quietly in your head, or shout it out loud if you need to) when you need a little boost? Sure, it sounds cheezy, but I've found having a little self-mantra, or self-motivator can snap me out of it sometimes. Just taking a moment to stop, take a deep breath, and say something like "Keep on Truckin!" Or "Something good is happening around me today- I just need to look for it".. something like that.

The other thing I noticed is that you have a church/religion. I have found that prayer helps to center me, and let me get a lot of the weight off my shoulders. Just lifting all of those issues up can help sometimes.

Hope you find something that puts a smile on your face today! And as you asked, I'll keep you in my prayers.
     
linger
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Nov 14, 2008, 11:39 AM
 
Originally Posted by dcmacdaddy View Post
*The details are personal but suffice to say I know first-hand what occurred in the priest sex-abuse scandals of the 1980s.
One of the reasons I am not too keen on organized religion. ESPECIALLY Catholic dogma. Not that these things caused those men to do these things. They are human too. They just keep forgetting that.
     
tooki
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Nov 14, 2008, 11:47 AM
 
Mike,

A few things to keep in mind, in the random order in which they spew from my brain:
1. DO NOT take an Apple Store rejection personally. As they tell new hires, it's harder to get into Apple retail than it is to get into an ivy league school. They're trying to have a certain kind of team, and if they don't have a role that you'd fill best, they look at someone else. It took me three attempts to get into Apple, and I was overqualified!
2. Forget retail, it's too hard for what you get compensated. Go to a temp agency and have them place you in a 9-to-5. I regret having stayed in retail as long as I did. It ruined my habits due to the stress and irregular schedules, so I got out of my swing of doing hobbies. A regular job with regular hours can give some structure to your life.
3. You have an adorable dog. Remember that she needs you, and loves you unconditionally. That's what makes dogs special, and IMHO so important to have around.
4. Maybe this would help you, too: when I was younger and often depressed (much the same feelings of isolation that you describe), I quasi-meditated listening to music. In other words, don't just listen to music as background music. Turn off everything else, sit in a dark room, cover the displays on the stereo if they don't turn off, and just focus on the music.
5. I've heard that volunteering can really help you feel useful. Since you like dogs, maybe you could volunteer at an animal shelter? Or at a retirement home if you prefer. Maybe even combine the two and do the animal therapy where you bring your dog to cheer up bedridden folks.
6. Share your knowledge, and share learning. Meet up with people who have shared interests, and teach them what you know, and learn from -- and with -- them. You like Macs? Join a MUG. Photography? Join a camera club.
7. Don't worry about when you finish college. Your education does not dictate your self-worth. Look at Steve Jobs and Bill Gates -- they're both dropouts who never completed college. Depending on what you want to do, a degree may or may not be important, but when you get it doesn't matter. I didn't get my bachelor's till I was 26, and when I was doing mine, I had classmates who were graduating in their 50's, with their first degree. I admire that tremendously. I also recall a great line from Dear Abby, her response to a woman who wanted to return to school, but was concerned about the fact that she'd be 54 when she finished. Abby asked "And how old will you be then if you don't go to school?"
8. I agree that you may want to leave NY. I don't think it's the best environment for someone in your situation.
9. I don't have any clue whether this is relevant to your situation or not, but if you have issues with your sexuality, don't hide it. It's incredibly stressful and isolating to keep it secret, and truly relieving to let it out and let people know you for who you really are. It definitely made a difference for me when I came out.
10. Make a clear distinction in your mind between your friends and your acquaintances. And then treat them as such. Don't expect much from acquaintances. Give them a chance to become friends, but don't worry about it if they flake out, and just downgrade them. And then you can focus your energies on the people who really do care about you.
11. Take care of yourself every day. Dress nicely, even if you're not going anywhere. Sweat over the little things -- does your hair look good? Did you accessorize? It may sound shallow, but I've found that I feel better about myself when I do those things.

And with that, I'm off to meet a friend at Starbucks, because he asked me to start joining him and a couple of other unemployed folks who meet up there daily. Maybe you could do the same.

And remember, you're not alone. I'm actually fairly depressed right now, too, for various reasons, and I plan to see a therapist once I've completed my upcoming move.

Hugs, and hang in there.
     
tooki
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Nov 14, 2008, 11:53 AM
 
P.S. I'm almost 29 and I'm about to move back in with my mom for a bit. It's no big deal either way. If you think you'd do better off living alone, do it.

P.P.S. Get away from anyone who puts you down. You do NOT need to put up with that!!!!
     
 
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