[Ratspittle]

Early this summer my good friend was drugged, brutally beaten, and raped while at an asscociate's house. I'm wouldn't be suprised if he has done this before as he was smart enough not to mark face or lower arms/hands. He has recently started calling her several times an hour, and showing up at her workplace ( a resturant ). I have his phone #, name, and as of this morning....received his address..(very remote, no neighbors) . She will not go to the polic because apparently this guy is a psychotic and because she refused the DNA test when she went to the hospital, a conviction is almost certainly out of the question. Restraining orders are a joke. She is dealing with it fairly well, but gets absolutely terrified when he calls or shows up at work. Any suggestions? Anyone have experience with this sort of thing? it's only a matter of time until he finds where she lives (she moved recently), or follows her home.

[zerostar]

She should definitely get a restraining order, there is nothing the police can do without one. If she has one and he is stalking her at least they can pick him up, or question him, etc. etc. Why did she decline the DNA test? Unfortunately that would have sealed his fate.

This dude sounds dangerous and she should not be left alone until something can be done, perhaps offer her to stay with you or she could get a hotel near a busy part of town for a while?

If I was her I would be packing, seriously. I don't know what to tell you, but a person like that should be put down swiftly. I am sorry for your friend and hope it works out!

p.s. If your contemplating 'very bad things' I wouldn't post it online, thats for sure.

[Doofy]

Have the two or three largest guys you know go have a word with him. No violence, but something along the lines of "you know that girl? Well, she ain't interested. Leave her be or else".
Should work unless he's completely mental.

(disclaimer: your mileage may vary)

[crazyjohnson]

Yeah, dont post like this stuff online - especially if you are going to do something. Really there is nothing you can do in this situation. If you call the cops they can do **** (according to your description) and then he is going to get pissed and go after her. If you rough him up he is going get pissed and go after her. The best thing that I would think to do is let things alone. I were the chick I would consider legal action and then a cross country move.

You really have to think and make sure that anything you do won't provoke him. Even if you threaten him that threat might set him off - he hurts her - group hurts him - now we are worse off, yes?

[deej5871]

I say go over to his house and threaten him with a huge group of guys to stay away from her if he doesn't want any trouble. The problem here is if he decides he does want trouble it will be too late to do anything about it.

Edit: Doofy beat me to it.

[Ratspittle]

If they pick him up or only question her...she's toast...I'm sure of it. And I am sure they will let him know an order has been taken out against him...very bad.

[ambush]

Show up with one of them fake DE.

And some bad boys.

[Lateralus]

Why did she refuse the DNA test? Out of fear?

[zerostar]

Perhaps pay him a visit. Thinking what I would do were my wife/daughter/sister, Id probably be in jail for beating him to death when he answered the door.

That might not be the road you want to take.

[iMOTOR]

Originally Posted by Doofy

Have the two or three largest guys you know go have a word with him. No violence, but something along the lines of "you know that girl? Well, she ain't interested. Leave her be or else".
Should work unless he's completely mental.

(disclaimer: your mileage may vary)

Good advice, but it could backfire unless they're professionals, if you know what I mean.

[hickey]

I sadly have no good suggestions, I just hope your poor friend can someday get back to having a normal life, you know with no stalkers and no worrying about whose near you. Best of luck to the both you.

[zerostar]

Originally Posted by Lateralus

Why did she refuse the DNA test? Out of fear?

This is what I would REALLY like to know as well.

[Tyre MacAdmin]

Give her a stungun.... he comes around... hit him up! It can be carried w/o a permit... anywhere. A coule of hits and he'll be looking for somebody else to stalk. (Obvioulsy not a total solution, but it services the immediate threat.)

[Ratspittle]

Originally Posted by zerostar

This is what I would REALLY like to know as well.

I have no idea...she went to the hospital...she told them what happened, but she did not have the test done. I don't think anyone would be in their right mind after an experience like that....

[crazyjohnson]

All joking aside I think we need to think of ways that she can make herself safe. I think that you and your friends going after him is only going to get her hurt - which is what you are trying to prevent.

Originally Posted by Tyler McAdams

Give her a stungun.... he comes around... hit him up! It can be carried w/o a permit... anywhere. A coule of hits and he'll be looking for somebody else to stalk. (Obvioulsy not a total solution, but it services the immediate threat.)

[ThinkInsane]

Call the cops. Thinking there is nothing that can be done because there was no DNA test is just plain wrong. She needs to call the cops, she needs to get an order of protection, she needs to call the cops each and every time he contacts her and have him arrested for violating the order. Most DA offices have a sex crimes unit that specializes in this sort of thing, and not only will they be able to handle it legally, the will have a wealth of resources available to assist her with her ordeal. Don't believe the "She’s dealing with it well enough" stuff, because even if that's true, she will crack eventually, and it won't be pretty for her when that happens.

[crazyjohnson]

Good call. They deal with this stuff all of the time. I am sure they know how to handle this best. Ask them for suggestions.

Originally Posted by ThinkInsane

Call the cops. Thinking there is nothing that can be done because there was no DNA test is just plain wrong. She needs to call the cops, she needs to get an order of protection, she needs to call the cops each and every time he contacts her and have him arrested for violating the order. Most DA offices have a sex crimes unit that specializes in this sort of thing, and not only will they be able to handle it legally, the will have a wealth of resources available to assist her with her ordeal. Don't believe the "She’s dealing with it well enough" stuff, because even if that's true, she will crack eventually, and it won't be pretty for her when that happens.

[macroy]

I think until she decides that she want's to do something about it (goto the authority etc.)... there's not much you can do. And from what you've disclosed, I'm not sure she's actually dealing with it.. more like trying to simply live with it. Just my .02.

[Ratspittle]

I have called the cops, and they told me #1 only she can make the complaint & #2 the window of opportunity for a conviction is pretty much closed. The Rape crisis stats say that only something like 25% of reported rapes are successfully prosecuted.

[Ratspittle]

The cops also said at this late date it's her word versus his.

[Severed Hand of Skywalker]

I know someone very close to me that went though an abusive boyfriend recently. She went through all the usual "if I charge him he will come after me, I just want to forget about it and he will ignore me, I don't want him to kill himself over it, etc"

She thought when she dumped him and through him out AND told him if he ever comes again she will call the cops it would go away, I threaded to report him also if I ever saw him again. Just like I told her these losers pray on week woman who think like this. It will get worse.

It did, he called 30x a day, wanted to come back etc etc for 2 months. Finally she took my advice and charged him with the offences 2 months prior. He was arrested, charged, thrown in jail and awating trial.

Funny thing is if he would have just left her alone he would have got off scott free, he was stupid enough to keep coming after her. Now he will be in jail for at least 18 months.

The police are very supportive and determined. he will get his ass whooped in jail.

Best thing to do is call a womans support line and they can give her advice, they also follow up with any news on the bastard.

[ThinkInsane]

Originally Posted by Ratspittle

I have called the cops, and they told me #1 only she can make the complaint & #2 the window of opportunity for a conviction is pretty much closed. The Rape crisis stats say that only something like 25% of reported rapes are successfully prosecuted.

Doesn't matter about the stats. A ballsy DA might get him to plea down, they may charge him with sexual assault. There are a myriad of things that could happen that if nothing else gets this guy registered as a sex offender. They are right though, this is something that she has to do, not you. Be there, be supportive, but you can't do it for her.

Your friend is probably not the first, and she'll probably not be the last. She needs to do this not only for herself, but for others as well. Don't push that at her, don't make her feel responsible for what may or not happen to others, but it's a fact that needs to be considered.

Also, if this guy is calling and harassing her, there certainly is something the cops can do about that. Aggravated harassment, stalking, ect. She needs to bring in the cops if she wants this to stop, because he won't stop on his own.

[Severed Hand of Skywalker]

Um here in Canada even if you report it 2 years later they take it just as seriously. This is what the cops told me a month ago.

[Ratspittle]

I think, based on you guy's reasoning, I'm going to to try again to get her to press charges. Problem is, I have tried hard several times before to convince her, she's scared.
I'm afraid that she will not want to talk to me anymore if I keep bringing this up. and none of her other friends know, so I'm pretty much on my own here (as far as talking to her about it).

[zerostar]

Originally Posted by Ratspittle

I think, based on you guy's reasoning, I'm going to to try again to get her to press charges. Problem is, I have tried hard several times before to convince her, she's scared.

I can't imagine what it must be like, but the truth is she isn't doing herself or any future victims a favor by not doing anything.

First step is she needs to feel safe NOW, like I said before perhaps you can offer a place to stay that is safe or get her into a place, etc. Once that basic need is fulfilled she can move forward, but being scared of what he might do will not help the situation any.

[iMOTOR]

Originally Posted by Ratspittle

she's scared.

Anyone else this animal has raped was probably too scared to take action against him. If they did, your friend might not have become a victim.

[Salty]

I like the idea of the women's support line. Honestly you're a guy there's something different about talking about this sort of thing with their own gender. Ask her if she's just talk to them, get the number before hand and then have her call them while you go in another room and tell her you'll be there to talk to her after or something. You do need to get the police involved. They can do something I dono what lazy person told you otherwise. This is their job to deal with this sort of thing. And there's a statute of limiations on most things. So long as that isn't gone he can be charged. And besides if this guy is as psyco as you say, they could pull phone records, and see how often he's called her, and see how often she's called him, and I'm sure they could dig up other stuff. It shouldn't have to just be her word verses his.

[iLikebeer]

I hope none of your or her friends know you post here. Or her for that matter. That would suck for her her if, in addition to all she's been through, something very personal became public.

Open the front of your phonebook or google some crisis center hotlines. Those numbers are there to help people deal with tragedy and get info without opening them up to more hurt.

[lurkalot]

Redundant.

[rozwado1]

You're on MacNN. Go seek advice from a professional.

[Ratspittle]

Originally Posted by iLikebeer

I hope none of your or her friends know you post here. Or her for that matter. That would suck for her her if, in addition to all she's been through, something very personal became public.

Open the front of your phonebook or google some crisis center hotlines. Those numbers are there to help people deal with tragedy and get info without opening them up to more hurt.

I have talked to support lines.

Well I really just wanted to get a quick cross section of opinions from you guys...and I appreciate it. and you are right, it is probably not be the best idea to talk about this so openly (even though I am trying to be vague by not discussing the details). Is there any way to have the moderator lock and/or delete this thread...please.

[zoroaster68]

[Nope]

[xargos]

It's sad just how often rapists go unpunished for a long time, if not totally, because people are afraid to go to the authorities. I used to work with someone who had been raped by someone she thought was a friend. She managed to get restraining orders against him for stalking, etc... but never brought her rape to the attention of the authorities. She ended up findind out that there were a number of others raped by the same person before her, and possibly some after. This was over a year ago that I found out, and longer ago that it happened. So far as I know the guy is still free.

Although I can only imagine how bad the feelings that your friend has, she really should bring this up with the authorities. At the least if there are complaints against the guy they might keep an eye on him. You never know...

[demograph68]

Whatever you do, don't make rape jokes why masturbating in front of her. She will probably get upset.

[iMOTOR]

Originally Posted by zoroaster68

It's like...HELLO LADIES! USE SOME ****ING COMMON SENSE!

To some extent you're right about lack of judgment getting people into trouble.

But it's never okay for someone to be raped, no matter how foolish they are.

[davesimondotcom]

I'm with ThinkInsane.

Don't be a vigilante. Although it may be tempting to paint a 3-7-77 on his door, it won't do anything. Because he doesn't see what he's doing as wrong. He thinks he's calling his girlfriend. That's what a stalker thinks.

Have HER call the cops. She needs to report the rape, even if there isn't any evidence, at least it's on record.

Then she needs to get an order of restraint. She can do this without much cause. Just say he's harrassing her, calling her at inappropriate times, etc.

Once she has the TRO, she needs to log every single call he makes to her, and get as much evidence as possible. This means things like recording telephone calls, logging them (caller ID is rather handy for that, unless he's calling from random locations.) Photograph him when he is parked nearby (you could do that for her.)

Do NOT be confrontational. You don't want him to get violent. Play it with kid gloves as much as possible.

On the other hand, get her some self defence training. Pepper spray, mace, stungun, and handguns are all handy. But only if you are well prepared to use them.

Again, I will say it. DO NOT BE A VIGILANTE. You will end up in trouble, and he'll look like the victim. Use the system to HER advantage.

And when all else fails, get her a new job, a new phone number, and a new place to live. Sucks, but sometimes is necessary.

[11011001]

Don't do anything stupid. Despite your best intentions you could possibly be putting yourself at risk as well.

[porieux]

I say beat the living fuuck out of him. No doubt he is a pussy, or he wouldn't do what he is doing.

[ajprice]

If the cops would see it as her word against his, then maybe she can get phone records to show that the guy had been calling her up etc. that would give a bit of a base to her side of it, and workmates surely would have also seen the guy turning up at the restaraunt.

[moodymonster]

The guy is obviously a nutjob. You need to get the police involved. If he is already turning up at her place of work and calling her, how much worse is it going to get if you take out a restraining order?

The guy sounds like he is on the wrong side of prison.

I have no expert knowledge here btw

[Millennium]

To begin, your friend has my sincerest condolences, whatever they're worth. I've known more than my share of victims; it's hard not to when your wife went to a women's college. My wife is fortunate, in that she's not one of them. All of this said, I seriously hope you got her permission to tell people about this. Otherwise, I recognize that your heart is in the right place, but you would be so far out of line that I could be forced to delete the thread on general principle, and this is something I very much do not want to do. The decision to tell people is also hers and hers alone to make.

Ahem. Certainly the decisions to not go to the police immediately or to not have the DNA test done were hers and hers alone to make, but I will be honest: I do not believe she chose wisely. Without these, the odds of a rape conviction are very slim indeed. Many states require evidence, and they require it for good reasons, but it has the unfortunate side effect that if there are any delays the chances for conviction go way down.

However, his recent actions are certainly very painful, but they aren't entirely inauspicious. You can't get him for rape at this late date, but you could try and nail him for stalking based on the recent stuff. The rape wouldn't be admissible as evidence in court, but it sounds as though you could accumulate plenty of other evidence. Phone records and eyewitness reports from work could be extremely helpful here.

I would couple this, however, with a few defensive measures on her part:

1) Bring in mean-looking friends. Their job is not to hurt him, but to protect her. Big burly men are good, but angry women are better. Make it clear in no uncertain terms (and preferably very loudly; get plenty of witnesses) that if he goes near her, he will suffer, and that if he goes to the police they will too. Do not directly mention the rape (he might try and get you for slander if you do), but reference "what he did" as unforgivable. If this guy has done it before, then what he will fear most is unwanted attention. But I reiterate: the job of the mean-looking friends is not, not, NOT to pursue him into some dark alley and beat him. As long as he leaves her alone, he is not to be touched, and likewise if he runs away. They are only there in case he tries to attack her.

2) Others have mentioned getting a stungun or some other weapon: do not do this. If she lacks proper training, in the event of an attack any weapon she carries is likely to be taken and used against her. You might look into getting her the necessary training, and giving her a weapon afterwards, but training takes time and you'll need to take that into account.

3) Self-defense courses are an absolute must. They'll teach you to fight fast and dirty in a short amount of time, and that's all that matters in a real fight like this. Martial arts are only good if you've had years of training -something I openly admit as a martial artist- and she doesn't have that much time right now.

4) Here's another potential use for the mean-looking friends, and something you yourself might be able to do: provide a place where she can turn up and crash for a night or two if she doesn't feel safe at home for whatever reason. If possible, have more than one place where she can do this, and make sure you're prepared to have her turn up anytime, day or night, with no notice at all. The point is to give her places she can go without telling anyone, not even you, until she's safely there. Keep the bastard guessing as to where she might be.

And one final thing: she did not tell the police, but she chose to tell you. In some sad way, this is a kind of honor: it means she puts a great deal of trust in you. Do not violate that trust.

[Millennium]

My wife has a request of her own for your friend, by the way (the previous post was written without her). If she is comfortable telling her female friends about this, please give them a warning, complete with names and descriptions. Even if she cannot get a conviction, she can work to deny him the chance to do this again.

[DeathToWindows]

Much as I'd like to suggest what I think should be the punishment for rape (castration) I'm going to merely second Millennium on this one... and figure that when this pile of syphillic badger crap gets his ass thrown in prison that Bubba will take good care of him.

"G-D in heaven how I despise rapists! A man who cannot allure a woman has no right to sex!"

[andi*pandi]

you're a good friend for wanting to help, even if this may not be the best place for it.

agreed with those who say get a restraining order. Ignoring him won't work, that's how you go from being a stalkee to being a murder victim. Sounds like the police aren't being very supportive. ?

self-defense classes, good for recovery and self-esteem as well as protection.

What about changing her phone number?

[zoroaster68]

Rape is so annoying. See, I used to think just kill the rapist...but now after being friends with girls through college, a lot of it is ********. They don't go to the police because they're embarassed. Why?

BECAUSE THEY GOT SO FREAKING DRUNK THEY DON"T REMEMBER ANYTHING, so they assume they were raped. Now, I was carefula bout what I did with drunk women, which wasn't MUCH... on purpose. My ex girlfriend was raped in Jamaica. Do I feel bad?

NO.

She got really ****ed up and left with a perfect stranger ALONE. That's a STUPID thing to do. Does that mean she deserved it? No, of course not, but it was still basically her fault. If she hadn't made such stupid decisions it wouldn't have happened.

Another thing that college girls like to do is get laid, then change their mind the day AFTERWORDS, and say it was rape. So yeah, rape is scary. If there was an actual predator (which sounds like this MIGHT be the case), I'd be all for busting the this guys 'guy parts' with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. But it also has a high probability of NOT being rape, FYI.

It's like...HELLO LADIES! USE SOME ****ING COMMON SENSE!

[Cody Dawg]

When he comes over again and comes into her house she should shoot him.

To kill.

End of story.

[zoroaster68]

Originally Posted by Cody Dawg

When he comes over again and comes into her house she should shoot him.

To kill.*

End of story.

* : If he actually raped her in the first place. Get him to confess by putting a gun in his mouth, and if he does, then proceed. If not, then he probably didn't rape her and your friend is making things up because she either got wasted and feels guilty about it so she's looking for somebody to blame instead of taking responsibility for her own actions, or she just changed her mind and for some reason would rather just believe she was raped than that she had sex with this guy. Also could be nothing happened, and she wants to think that.

There are a lot of mentally screwed up females around, don't go killing some dude without evidence or a confession.

[OreoCookie]

Originally Posted by Cody Dawg

When he comes over again and comes into her house she should shoot him.

To kill.

End of story.

Great solution. She would be charged with murder and go to jail. That's especially bad if she can't prove the rape (which is part of the dilemma now). Sorry, but ruining two lives for sure is not a solution.

[OreoCookie]

Originally Posted by zoroaster68

* : If he actually raped her in the first place. Get him to confess by putting a gun in his mouth, and if he does, then proceed. If not, then he probably didn't rape her and your friend is making things up because she either got wasted and feels guilty about it so she's looking for somebody to blame instead of taking responsibility for her own actions, or she just changed her mind and for some reason would rather just believe she was raped than that she had sex with this guy. Also could be nothing happened, and she wants to think that.

There are a lot of mentally screwed up females around, don't go killing some dude without evidence or a confession.

Even if she could get him to confess at gun point, such a confession would be useless in a court.

[Gator Lager]

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

Even if she could get him to confess at gun point, such a confession would be useless in a court.

better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.