[JoJo777]

This is my first, and maybe only, post here. I should preface my question by stating the facts: I'm a married mother of a 3 year old with a husband who is a musician and often traveling. His family life is messy (he doesn't talk to his brothers, his ex-wife tried to make his daughter take a paternity test to get money when her "other" man died, his kids pretty much hate me no matter what I do, and his parents are kinda void of feeling) and there is little support. My family is back in the midwest, and they are pretty supportive, although I have issues there also.

Anyway, I want to be confident, assertive, outgoing, and healthy but I have no self confidence and seem drawn to bad situations. I end up blowing up on people after I feel taken advantage of for long time so I keep burning my bridges everywhere. And I can't seem to focus on anything...ever. I had the best vocal coach in NYC but I couldn't follow through, my acting teacher wanted me to go on auditions but I couldn't go, I even won a trip to space camp when I was young but I threw away the ticket because I didn't want to upset anyone!!!

What the heck is wrong and how can I fix it? I've tried medication, counseling etc. and it doesn't change me. So now I'm in a very unhealthy marriage and have a child who is semi-autistic and I can't handle anything. I was going to just pack a bag and jump on a bus the other day, but I knew that as far as I went I could never get away from me.

And I'm stuck with these stupid self inflicted scars from my adolescence on my arm, so I dread summer. And worse than the scars are my memories of my mom telling me not to lose my razor blade because she wouldn't want someone else getting hurt and not to get blood on her sofa, etc. Once, I accidently cut my leg while I was drunk and fooling around and my husband threw me on the ground and started kicking me saying, "You stupid bitch, don't embarrass me!"

I just want to start over again. Or just be happy and healthy for maybe the first time in my 30 years. Please help me - any suggestions are welcome.

[ShortcutToMoncton]

Well, I can only imagine that this is a good first step.

[turtle777]

What counseling have you tried ?

I think you need a bit stronger psychological "medicine". Seems like you won't be able to break yourself out, so you need someone else to help you with it.

-t

[andi*pandi]

What do you have that's positive. Start by counting up that. And building up self-esteem. And squirrelling away some money.

[ghporter]

That you have asked for help should be proof that you do have control over something - build on that. andi*pandi's correct about keeping track of your positives, too. It's way too easy to forget about really good things about yourself and your life when you have lesser bad things staring you in the face, so take a minute now and then to just think of those good, positive things.

Once you realize that you ARE a good person (maybe with some bad breaks and bad decisions behind you), you can think more clearly about what's causing your distress. Your husband-is his "messy" family something that impacts you, or is it really just his behavior? Your child-you said "semi-autistic," so what sorts of steps have you taken to get help with that? There is a whole lot of potentially helpful therapy and assistance out there.

Are you unhappy at being stuck at home? That's something you can do something about by yourself. Start with taking a walk. Stretching your legs and walking a block or two could help you out a lot; fresh air, exercise and a sense of "doing what you chose to do" are all very useful things.

One more thing: you are only responsible for yourself and what you do. Other people's actions and feelings are their responsibility. All you NEED to do is to take care not to be intentionally or needlessly rude or mean. Let go of the sense that you are to blame for anything you haven't done. I've seen people with scars that say a lot about their youth, but they've moved beyond that because, while they can't change their past, they can overcome it. You can too.

[Captain Obvious]

Well, you joined MacNN so that was an excellent move.
We've fixed more people's lives than Dr Phil and Ty Pennington put together.

[analogue SPRINKLES]

I'd run and start a new life somewhere else. Change everything.

I wouldn't worry about the scars though. Most people prob wouldn't care for ****, some find them hot.

[ringo]

Join the Y and start exercising regularly. Get those endorphins pumping, it will help increase your feeling of well being.

[- - e r i k - -]

Divorce.

Never ever get involved with professional musicians, athletes or actors. If they are successful they'll cheat on you, and if they're not they'll still use their bed sheets as curtains when they are thirty.

[shifuimam]

What medications have you tried? It sucks to keep going when it seems like nothing works, but there are many antidepressants out there, and there could very well be one that will work for you. I tried four different ones before I finally found that worked, and it made an enormous difference in my life.

[Phileas]

^ Aren't you dating a singer?

[Kerrigan]

I may actually never come back to MacNN after reading the OP. geez
i just realized that internet forums were for the dregs of society... adios amigos

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by - - e r i k - - 

Never ever get involved with professional musicians, athletes or actors. If they are successful they'll cheat on you, and if they're not they'll still use their bed sheets as curtains when they are thirty.

[Phileas]

Originally Posted by Doofy 

I'm with you on this. I frequently work with all of the above, and if there's one thing that surprised me when I started doing so is just how normal everybody is.

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally Posted by - - e r i k - - 

Divorce.

Never ever get involved with professional musicians, athletes or actors. If they are successful they'll cheat on you, and if they're not they'll still use their bed sheets as curtains when they are thirty.

(I truly am sorry about your experience)

[RAILhead]

Rob?