[Zenbone]

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

(Edit: Not John Cleese but hoot-worthy anyway.)

To the citizens of the United States of
America, in light of your failure to elect a
competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
resumes monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable
Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until
now, been unaware there's a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America.
Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A
questionnaire circulated next year will determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be
no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English."
We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The
Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be
broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there
is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name
of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire,
Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American
"football." There's only one kind of football. What
you call American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed no one else plays
"American" football. You should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World
Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to
play a girls' game called "rounders," which is
baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or
carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public
than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable
peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will
be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They
are crap and it is for your own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left.
At the same time, you will go metric without the
benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't
French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real
chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is
actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer." Substances once known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product
of the American Budweiser company which will be
called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last
1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or
"Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling
it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol
prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without
guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many
lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough
to be independent. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).


Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon,
England]

[SimeyTheLimey]

Revoked? I wasn't aware that H.M. Government granted it in the first place. It was the Declaration of Independence, not a request.

[starman]

That's damn funny.

[RonnieoftheRose]

I agree with every point. He stole them all from me as we shared a good friend, but I'll forgive him. I hereby install myself as Viscount Ronnie of the North American States of Her Majesty the Queen.

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally Posted by starman

That's damn funny.

Yeah, I thought this was funny. All those pompous xenophobic stereotypes, yet he thinks that Congress doesn't include the Senate:

Congress and the Senate are disbanded

Upper class twit of the year award winner!

[Oisín]

While that is extremely funny (it is John Cleese, after all), there are a few places where he could at least have gotten his facts straight:

Originally Posted by Zenbone

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

1. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it.

Err, no. 'Aluminum' is the original spelling; the extra i was inserted later on by British editors, because they wanted it to have more of a 'classical' feel to it.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the Americans world champions (or at least former world champions) of women's football?

Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

French fries are French; Belgian fries are Belgian. English chips are neither: they're English chips. French fries are thin (like McDonald's French fries), Belgian fries are of medium thickness, and English chips are the thicker of the three, usually wider than they are thick.




Apart from that, as always, John Cleese is a hoot and a half.

[turtle777]

-t

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally Posted by Oisín

French fries are French; Belgian fries are Belgian. English chips are neither: they're English chips. French fries are thin (like McDonald's French fries), Belgian fries are of medium thickness, and English chips are the thicker of the three, usually wider than they are thick.

All potatoes are American.



Anyway, French Fries doesn't mean French. It comes from a technique for thinly slicing vegetables, called frenching. Frenching, as applied to vegetables, means to cut into long thin strips, which is how a french fry is made.

[RonnieoftheRose]

Originally Posted by Oisín

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the Americans world champions (or at least former world champions) of women's football?

That's why American male "soccer" players will have to practice with the girls at first.

[dreilly1]

15. Posting of joke E-mails that have been in circulation for the past four years will require mandatory invocation of the timeline.

(Although it is pretty funny...)

[Zenbone]

Originally Posted by dreilly1

15. Posting of joke E-mails that have been in circulation for the past four years will require mandatory invocation of the timeline.

(Although it is pretty funny...)

No need for timeline nerds. There are plenty of people who have not seen it.

[insha]

This is hilarious.

Although I don't think SimeyTheLimey would agree.

[mo]

Of course, John Cleese is not actually the author of this relic from 2000.

See Snopes.com

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally Posted by insha

This is hilarious.

Although I don't think SimeyTheLimey would agree.

You are right, I don't. Mainly because I heard the same xenophobic comments growing up. It's that kind of "I am better than you" kind of humor that I don't think is very funny. It's a shame really, I'm a big fan of Cleese, but this is just exposing his small minded and unfunny side. It's about as funny as Chirac's comments the other week about England. And for the same reason.

[Stradlater]

Originally Posted by Oisín

Err, no. 'Aluminum' is the original spelling; the extra i was inserted later on by British editors, because they wanted it to have more of a 'classical' feel to it.

Ummm, you're wrong. "Alumium" was the first spelling, "aluminum" became a botched second, and "aluminium" became the final, preferred spelling, and was actually the standard spelling in the U.S. at first. "Aluminum" companies throughout the U.S., however, spelled it without the "i," and because it was more common to see on factory signs by the general public than to be heard by chemists, it was adopted by the masses.

Oh, and I'd address the "french fry" issue you have, but Simey beat me to it.

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally Posted by mo

Of course, John Cleese is not actually the author of this relic from 2000.

See Snopes.com

Ah! Good! I'm relieved.

It evidently originated on with one Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K., who wrote and posted a much shorter, four-item version to an internal newsgroup hosted by his employer in November 2000, as a wry commentary on the recently concluded (but far from decided) U.S. presidential election:

Thanks for clearing that up. My opinion of Mr. Cleese is restored.

[Y3a]

I beleive this is an OLD OLD piece from the 1980's.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by SimeyTheLimey

You are right, I don't. Mainly because I heard the same xenophobic comments growing up. It's that kind of "I am better than you" kind of humor that I don't think is very funny. It's a shame really, I'm a big fan of Cleese, but this is just exposing his small minded and unfunny side. It's about as funny as Chirac's comments the other week about England. And for the same reason.

Condescending Pretension. Yeah I never found it funny either.

[Oisín]

Originally Posted by Stradlater

Ummm, you're wrong. "Alumium" was the first spelling, "aluminum" became a botched second, and "aluminium" became the final, preferred spelling, and was actually the standard spelling in the U.S. at first.

But 'aluminum' wasn't a 'botched' second, 'cause the n was added by Sir Davy himself in 1808. The extra i, however, was added 'unofficially' by editors four years later.

Oh, and I'd address the "french fry" issue you have, but Simey beat me to it.

I know what frenching means; that still doesn't change the fact that French fries are frenched, Belgian fries and English chips are not.

[stevesnj]

this guy is a genius ...NE!!!

[Stradlater]

Originally Posted by Oisín

But 'aluminum' wasn't a 'botched' second, 'cause the n was added by Sir Davy himself in 1808. The extra i, however, was added 'unofficially' by editors four years later.

I thought ol' Humphry made that second change, as well (with peer advice, sure). Maybe I learned it wrong, though; do you have a source to enlighten me with? Also: I think if it takes you three tries to name something, the whole process has been "botched."

Eh, I still call it "aluminum."

I know what frenching means; that still doesn't change the fact that French fries are frenched, Belgian fries and English chips are not.

But you said they were "French." While they are frenched, they are not French.

[macroy]

so shouldn't it be "frenched fries" then? Its not pickel eggs, fry bananas, bake beans....

Seriously - I never knew that... just blindly thought it refered to the nation....

Forgot what the French did a few years back.. but many folks wanted to 'ban' the consumption of french fries... thought they would've cleared the meaning up back then.

[Oisín]

Originally Posted by Stradlater

I thought ol' Humphry made that second change, as well (with peer advice, sure). Maybe I learned it wrong, though; do you have a source to enlighten me with? Also: I think if it takes you three tries to name something, the whole process has been "botched."

I remember reading it various different places; the only one I can think of right now, though, is etymonline.com

But you said they were "French." While they are frenched, they are not French.

But they're still called French fries, that's their name, even though are just fried frenched potatoes.

Doesn't matter anyway, since the only proper name for them is pommes frites (which encompasses both French/frenched fries, Belgian fries, and English chips).

[Oisín]

Originally Posted by macroy

so shouldn't it be "frenched fries" then? Its not pickel eggs, fry bananas, bake beans....

It should, yes. Or 'fried frenched potatoes'.

[ReggieX]

Originally Posted by Zenbone

No need for timeline nerds. There are plenty of people who have not seen it.

True, the worst part is that these things are always mis-credited, which annoys me more than the pieces themselves. The last time someone sent me something that was "written by George Carlin!" I immediatelty knew that none of the work was his, since it wasn't in his style.

The OP should change his thread title and post to reflect this!

[Zenbone]

I think they were originally called aluminium fries.

BTW, Cape Cod makes a tasty chip:



...though I think they call them something else now. Maybe "dark russet" put some people off.

[Zenbone]

Originally Posted by ReggieX

The OP should change his thread title and post to reflect this!

Reflected. Can't change title though.

[m a d r a]

if it's "aluminum" then shouldn't it also be "cadmum" and "sodum"?

[Demonhood]

Cleese lives in California anyhow. so he obviously likes many things about this country.
still, a few of them were amusing.

[chris v]

Originally Posted by Demonhood

still, a few of them were amusing.

Yes, five years ago.


/spoilsport

[Atriot]

That was great!

[nath]

Originally Posted by SimeyTheLimey

You are right, I don't. Mainly because I heard the same xenophobic comments growing up. It's that kind of "I am better than you" kind of humor that I don't think is very funny. It's a shame really, I'm a big fan of Cleese, but this is just exposing his small minded and unfunny side. It's about as funny as Chirac's comments the other week about England. And for the same reason.

Chirac's comments were funny. In light of the fact that he subsequently cleaned his plate every night at the G8 shindig.

But you're right, forces kids certainly get it in British comprehensives.

[Shaddim]

Originally Posted by Demonhood

Cleese lives in California anyhow. so he obviously likes many things about this country.
still, a few of them were amusing.

Yes, he abandoned the UK several years ago, and I know quite a few others who are trying to do the same. It's unfortunate for them that visas are so hard to acquire.

Well, whoever wrote it, it's amusing.

[goMac]

Originally Posted by SimeyTheLimey

You are right, I don't. Mainly because I heard the same xenophobic comments growing up. It's that kind of "I am better than you" kind of humor that I don't think is very funny.

Someone needs a sense of humor.

[Stradlater]

Originally Posted by Oisín

I remember reading it various different places; the only one I can think of right now, though, is etymonline.com

Interesting; at least I got "alumium" right

But they're still called French fries, that's their name, even though are just fried frenched potatoes.

Doesn't matter anyway, since the only proper name for them is pommes frites (which encompasses both French/frenched fries, Belgian fries, and English chips).

I like pommes frites, it's how a $150 chef's menu can bring you $1-fries. OK, OK, they were better than $1 fries, but not much.

[Hugi]

[mitchell_pgh]

I think it's funny because it's obviously mindless flame bait.

[Hugi]

Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh

I think it's funny because it's obviously mindless flame bait.

Aw, come on, it's not flamebait. It's brilliant satire.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally Posted by goMac

Someone needs a sense of humor.

I have a sense of humor, but this isn't humorous, it's mean-spirited.

I don't believe in being the slow kid at the lunch table, laughing at the joke not realizing everyone is laughing at him, not with him.

[goMac]

Originally Posted by SimeyTheLimey

I have a sense of humor, but this isn't humorous, it's man-spirited.

I don't believe in being the slow kid laughing at the joke not realizing everyone is laughing at him, not with him.

Maybe one of the first steps towards learning how to properly laugh at other people is learning how to laugh at yourself.

[demograph68]

Originally Posted by goMac

Someone needs a sense of humor.

"humour"

[goMac]

Originally Posted by demograph68

"humour"

I actually thought about writing that.

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally Posted by goMac

Maybe one of the first steps towards learning how to properly laugh at other people is learning how to laugh at yourself.

There is a difference between laughing at yourself, and having someone laugh at you. Self-deprecation is genuinely funny. Laughing at others is not.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by SimeyTheLimey

I don't believe in being the slow kid at the lunch table, laughing at the joke not realizing everyone is laughing at him, not with him.

Sounds like slow kid thinking to me...

-t

[goMac]

Originally Posted by SimeyTheLimey

There is a difference between laughing at yourself, and having someone laugh at you. Self-deprecation is genuinely funny. Laughing at others is not.

Right. The US is the slow kid at the lunch table?

[mitchell_pgh]

Originally Posted by Hugi

Aw, come on, it's not flamebait. It's brilliant satire.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Brilliant... I don't agree. I feel it's an obvious bit of flame attempting to provoke a response. It attacks our language, our politics (which is obviously a touchy subject over here), it calls Americans uneducated regarding foreign accents, our sports and naming of our sports, our Independence day, our government, our automobiles, our beer, etc. etc.

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally Posted by goMac

Right. The US is the slow kid at the lunch table?

Did that go over your head? Have you ever seen the scene where a bunch of kids are making fun of the slow kid, but the slow kid so wants to be popular that he laughs along, not realizing they aren't laughing with him, they are laughing at him? He's too dumb to be insulted.

I'm not too dumb. Laugh along if you like, but this "joke" wasn't meant for you.

[Chris O'Brien]

Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh

Brilliant... I don't agree. I feel it's an obvious bit of flame attempting to provoke a response. It attacks our language, our politics (which is obviously a touchy subject over here), it calls Americans uneducated regarding foreign accents, our sports and naming of our sports, our Independence day, our government, our automobiles, our beer, etc. etc.

It's just the British sense of humour: we all laugh at each other. It's harmless, unless you take it seriously (which is not how it's intended).

Lighten up people - I don't get offended when people say I wear a skirt because I'm Scottish. Be secure in yourself and it's all fun

[goMac]

Originally Posted by SimeyTheLimey

Did that go over your head? Have you ever seen the scene where a bunch of kids are making fun of the slow kid, but the slow kid so wants to be popular that he laughs along, not realizing they aren't laughing with him, they are laughing at him? He's too dumb to be insulted.

I'm not too dumb. Laugh along if you like, but this "joke" wasn't meant for you.

So again, the US is the slow kid? :-\

I think it's more equivalent to the kids getting together to poke fun at the Principal's idiosyncrasies.

[goMac]

Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh

Brilliant... I don't agree. I feel it's an obvious bit of flame attempting to provoke a response. It attacks our language, our politics (which is obviously a touchy subject over here), it calls Americans uneducated regarding foreign accents, our sports and naming of our sports, our Independence day, our government, our automobiles, our beer, etc. etc.

Right, the US can make fun of those things in Britain, but as soon as the Britains do it back to the US, it's not funny.

Are we that insecure?