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generationfourt · Jul 26, 2006, 09:56 PM

I know he can't afford it. He's always in money trouble, still in school, and never has a job for a long period of time. I know he wants to move in with me because I just got a new job and he thinks it'll be a little bit "easier" for him; but fact of the matter I won't be making that much money myself and there is no way I'll be able to help when he needs it.

It's lose/lose. I tell him no now and look like the bad guy and ruin the friendship, or put him out on the street 6 months from now and look like the bad guy and ruin the friendship. argh

PurpleGiant · Jul 26, 2006, 10:02 PM

It's pretty simple. Tell him that he's always having money troubles, and you don't want to deal with that. Nothing personal on the friendship.

He can't be offended by the truth. He knows it's true.

zerostar · Jul 26, 2006, 10:12 PM

Millennium · Jul 26, 2006, 10:15 PM

Tell him he's a great guy (assuming he is), and you value your friendship, but you're not sure you're really compatible as roommates. You don't have to mention finances at all.

Lateralus · Jul 26, 2006, 10:16 PM

Don't worry about being polite, I didn't.

My friend came to me a few months back with a similar proposal, which he has brought up more than a few times since. I firmly tell him that he's a loser and until he gets his **** together I'd feel more confident living in a box under a bridge than I would counting on him to cough up when it came time to pay bills.

lavar78 · Jul 26, 2006, 10:16 PM

How about one of these?

1. I don't want to move in with you.

2. I'd rather live alone.

Chuckit · Jul 26, 2006, 10:17 PM

Originally Posted by Lateralus

Don't worry about being polite, I didn't.

My friend came to me a few months back with a similar proposal, which he has brought up more than a few times since. I firmly tell him that he's a loser and until he gets his **** together I'd feel more confident living in a box under a bridge than I would counting on him to cough up when it came time to pay bills.

Agreed here. I'd just be honest that you can't afford to support him and you know he couldn't afford the place. If you can't bring yourself to say no, he'll just keep pushing.

- - e r i k - - · Jul 26, 2006, 11:29 PM

If you associate with losers....well you know the rest.

hickey · Jul 26, 2006, 11:39 PM

as long as you tell him the truth, he shouldn't get too flustered over it. But say it in a way to keep the friendship lasting, if you even want to keep the friendship.

mitchell_pgh · Jul 26, 2006, 11:45 PM

You do not need to tell him that he is bad with money, etc. etc. Just tell him you don't think it will work, and you have a hook up at a different place...

You don't have to hurt his feelings.

Buckaroo · Jul 26, 2006, 11:56 PM

Don't be wimpy about it. Be VERY clear. Under NO cercumstance can you live with him. Tell him he is a great freind, but it will never happen. Do NOT feel guilty. It's your place, and you need your space.

mitchell_pgh · Jul 27, 2006, 12:05 AM

Originally Posted by Buckaroo

Don't be wimpy about it. Be VERY clear. Under NO cercumstance can you live with him. Tell him he is a great freind, but it will never happen. Do NOT feel guilty. It's your place, and you need your space.

No offense, but if a friend said "Under NO circumstance can I live with you. Your a good friend, but it's just never going to happen" I would be rather upset... and would feel anything but like a "good friend."

You aren't "being wimpy" by trying to take his feeling into account.

Salty · Jul 27, 2006, 12:24 AM

Hit on him

Or just say that you don't think you could room with him. Honestly he shouldn't take it personally. I had a friend who I'd previously roomed with who when I kinda broached the topic was clear he didn't want to room with me again, and that's OK. Honestly we get along better when we don't have to see each-other every day.
Just be clear that you think you'd probably grate on each-other. You might even suggest that you think he'll get sick of you every day.

IceEnclosure · Jul 27, 2006, 12:29 AM

Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh

No offense, but if a friend said "Under NO circumstance can I live with you. Your a good friend, but it's just never going to happen" I would be rather upset... and would feel anything but like a "good friend."

You aren't "being wimpy" by trying to take his feeling into account.

I agree. Just say you really want to have your own place. All these people saying you absolutely have to tell him the possibly hurtful truth (because he's a "bum") are wrong. This isn't the deadbeat drunkard guy that lives on the roof of your neighbor's apartment building, this is your good friend. If he were just some co-worker or something, yeah, I'd tell him he sucks and no freakin' way.

IceEnclosure · Jul 27, 2006, 12:32 AM

Originally Posted by - - e r i k - -

If you associate with losers....well you know the rest.

Friends of mine go through ups and downs, and I don't drop them as friends. Unless I don't "know the rest"?? Although I agree he shouldn't live with the guy.

- - e r i k - - · Jul 27, 2006, 01:00 AM

That was not what I said. Of course you should stick by your friends in thick and thin. Unless they are chronically losers.

Chuckit · Jul 27, 2006, 01:15 AM

Originally Posted by IceEnclosure

I agree. Just say you really want to have your own place

From the sound of it, he doesn't intend to have his own place. So, yeah, that doesn't work.

mitchell_pgh · Jul 27, 2006, 01:25 AM

Originally Posted by Chuckit

From the sound of it, he doesn't intend to have his own place. So, yeah, that doesn't work.

I don't think you have to have a clear cut excuse. Most friends of mine would just say "ok" if I said something along the lines of "Hey, I think it would be fun to live together, but I have a lead on a place, and really want to focus on work... considering this is my first job, and you are still in college, I think this would be better. I really hope you understand"

If my friend really put the heat on... I would probably get a little more admit about it.

Ozmodiar · Jul 27, 2006, 01:31 AM

Show him this thread.

Hash · Jul 27, 2006, 01:36 AM

Well, maybe you could say that he can share the apartment for say 1 month until he finds job and so on. But tell him that if even he can't find job during that month, he has to go away anyway. Help him once and you will do something good, and he will also appreciate it.

mitchell_pgh · Jul 27, 2006, 01:43 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

Well, maybe you could say that he can share the apartment for say 1 month until he finds job and so on. But tell him that if even he can't find job during that month, he has to go away anyway. Help him once and you will do something good, and he will also appreciate it.

I don't think that's a good idea either. It's much easier to say no now... as compared to a few months down the road when he is living with you.

Chuckit · Jul 27, 2006, 02:16 AM

Yeah. Living with him is what we wanted to avoid here, remember?

Hash · Jul 27, 2006, 02:28 AM

Yes, he wants to avoid living, but he is also asked for help. So help for a while, once and then don't live together.

Buckaroo · Jul 27, 2006, 02:34 AM

Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh

No offense, but if a friend said "Under NO circumstance can I live with you. Your a good friend, but it's just never going to happen" I would be rather upset... and would feel anything but like a "good friend."

You aren't "being wimpy" by trying to take his feeling into account.

If you don't put up a strong front, I suspect that he'll be back every other day begging until you give in. You have to tell him straight out and act as if you meant it and will not flinch.

If he was a true friend, he wouldn't be asking.

Buckaroo · Jul 27, 2006, 02:39 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

Well, maybe you could say that he can share the apartment for say 1 month until he finds job and so on. But tell him that if even he can't find job during that month, he has to go away anyway. Help him once and you will do something good, and he will also appreciate it.

I'm not certain if this is true, but somehow, I suspect that he'll never ever get him out. He'll have to serve him with an eviction notice and I don't know how long that will take to get him out.

If you let him move in, I believe you'll never get him out.

I might be wrong, and I'm sure everyone will explain why.

Buckaroo · Jul 27, 2006, 02:41 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

Yes, he wants to avoid living, but he is also asked for help. So help for a while, once and then don't live together.

Heck, I'd rather give the leacher $100 and recommend some other looser for him to move into with.

Chuckit · Jul 27, 2006, 02:52 AM

Originally Posted by Buckaroo

If he was a true friend, he wouldn't be asking.

What nonsense. I've suggested to some of my friends that we live together, and I don't feel particularly guilty for it.

Buckaroo · Jul 27, 2006, 03:01 AM

Originally Posted by Chuckit

What nonsense. I've suggested to some of my friends that we live together, and I don't feel particularly guilty for it.

Without paying rent? He ain't got the money to pay for rent, food, or any expenses.

mitchell_pgh · Jul 27, 2006, 03:24 AM

Originally Posted by Buckaroo

Without paying rent? He ain't got the money to pay for rent, food, or any expenses.

The original poster never said the guy was a deadbeat or that he was pressuring him to move in together. He simply said that he felt he couldn't afford it, his friend was always in money trouble and FELT like he was only asking because the original poster had a job.

Originally Posted by Buckaroo

Heck, I'd rather give the leacher $100 and recommend some other looser for him to move into with

Who ever said he was a leacher? Why recommend some loser for him? Why not let him figure out where to go...

Originally Posted by Buckaroo

If you let him move in, I believe you'll never get him out.

I agree with you here... once he is in, it's nearly impossible to get him out if you both sign a single lease. Just don't do it... if he chooses to end the relationship because you don't want to move in, that's his decision, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Gamoe · Jul 27, 2006, 05:06 AM

Often times living together, even with good friends can sour or completely ruin a friendship. Living together is quite different from going out together. Frankly, I prefer the former as far as friends are concerned. Individuals need their space and privacy and we all have our own "quirky" (to everybody else) ways of doing things which may be quite incompatible with others'.

Why put your friendship on the line like that if there's an alternative? Just let him know that you prefer to live alone at the moment and that you value your friendship with him so that you wouldn't like to put your friendship in jeopardy like that. If you're clear, honest and respectful to him about this, there's no good reason he shouldn't accept it.

While I consider my friends good, honorable and trustworthy people, I would try to avoid this type of scenario, because there are too many things that can go wrong that are not worth stressing a good friendship over.

Salty · Jul 27, 2006, 06:00 AM

Agreed. Honestly the best rooming experiences I've had in both cases I didn't know the person before rooming with them.

Dakar · Jul 27, 2006, 08:18 AM

Tell him the truth.

generationfourt · Jul 27, 2006, 09:39 AM

yeah he isn't a deadbeat at all. He's a good friend, not a bad person, but just seems like he can't get his **** straightened out. He makes his $400 a month rent now, I don't know how but he can keep afloat. Where "we" want to move would be twice that. He's gonna need a place to stay in a couple of months either temp, or rent. I don't want either to happen.

If it were remotely possible for me to live alone then I would do it. I will need a roommate though.

I have lived with friends before and it seems to never work out, so I guess I could play off of that more and just kind of throw in the money thing as well. Tell him he needs to focus on school and whatnot. It's just hard because he's really sensitive and doesn't take criticism very well.

mitchell_pgh · Jul 27, 2006, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by generationfourt

I have lived with friends before and it seems to never work out, so I guess I could play off of that more and just kind of throw in the money thing as well. Tell him he needs to focus on school and whatnot. It's just hard because he's really sensitive and doesn't take criticism very well.

More advice:
- TELL HIME EARLY. The longer you wait, the more upset he potentially can get (and rightfully so). He also needs to start looking.

- Let him know that you don't want to spoil the relationship by moving in. (WARNING: He potentially will say "But it wont!" and you need to be prepared to say "Well, I don't want to take that chance... you're a good friend")

- Tell him it's more you (which it seems to be) that wants to get out of the college mode. You think living with a non-student work work better, etc.

Be honest, but don't be rude as some people here would advise.

Turias · Jul 27, 2006, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by Millennium

Tell him he's a great guy (assuming he is), and you value your friendship, but you're not sure you're really compatible as roommates. You don't have to mention finances at all.

Agreed.

olePigeon · Jul 27, 2006, 04:47 PM

Tell him the truth: Friends make the worst roommates! I gaurantee, he could be your absolute best friend, but spend one year as roommates and you'll hate each others' guts.

Becoming roomies is the fastest way to end a friendship.

Gossamer · Jul 27, 2006, 04:48 PM

Originally Posted by olePigeon

Tell him the truth: Friends make the worst roommates! I gaurantee, he could be your absolute best friend, but spend one year as roommates and you'll hate each others' guts.

Becoming roomies is the fastest way to end a friendship.

I've been rooming with the same friend all three years of college, we were best friends and locker partners since 7th grade. We've just got compatible personalities.

olePigeon · Jul 27, 2006, 04:54 PM

Originally Posted by Gossamer

I've been rooming with the same friend all three years of college, we were best friends and locker partners since 7th grade. We've just got compatible personalities.

Wait until you have to share rent, utilities, and the bathroom.

Gossamer · Jul 27, 2006, 05:00 PM

Originally Posted by olePigeon

Wait until you have to share rent, utilities, and the bathroom.

I have done that for the past two years, and will again next year.

FulcrumPilot · Jul 27, 2006, 05:14 PM

Insist out of the blue that he owes you some money?

Salty · Jul 27, 2006, 05:24 PM

Originally Posted by Gossamer

I've been rooming with the same friend all three years of college, we were best friends and locker partners since 7th grade. We've just got compatible personalities.

Now you're just giving SWG ammo

hey!_Zeus · Jul 27, 2006, 05:38 PM

Tell him you walk in your sleep slashing a butcher knife around.

goldenhorse · Jul 30, 2006, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh

I don't think that's a good idea either. It's much easier to say no now... as compared to a few months down the road when he is living with you.

bad idea. once he has his foot in the door he will never leave.

mitchell_pgh · Jul 31, 2006, 01:41 AM

Originally Posted by goldenhorse

bad idea. once he has his foot in the door he will never leave.

Isn't that exactly what I just said?

Salty · Jul 31, 2006, 04:58 AM

Just tell him you're gay. Since I told my best friend from high school he can barely stand to sit beside me

.

Gamoe · Jul 31, 2006, 07:43 AM

Any more developments on this, generationfourt?

spindler · Jul 31, 2006, 09:40 PM

Tell him the problem in a very generalized way. Tell him that you are very, very reluctant to link your financial future with anyone else's. Tell him that in life people often start off with great plans in getting married and then are screwed later because they attached themselves to someone else. Say that you need complete control over your life, and if you were going to have a rommate, you would demand three months rent up front to virtually ensure you won't take a loss.

Point out that if things don't work out job-wise with him, and your name is on the lease, you could easily wind up $3000 in debt. Say that it's nothing against him, but you don't want your future to be dependent or reliant on anyone else meeting their obligations.

tutelary · Jul 31, 2006, 11:03 PM

"I don't want to move in with you"

mydog8mymac · Aug 1, 2006, 12:02 AM

Clearly, the time has come to fake your own death!

or gently tell him the truth.

turtle777 · Aug 1, 2006, 12:25 AM

Originally Posted by Salty

Just tell him you're gay. Since I told my best friend from high school he can barely stand to sit beside me

.

Yeah, but what do you do if he suddenly comes out of the closet as well ?

-t