Welcome to the MacNN Forums.

JoshuaZ · Nov 23, 2007, 08:40 PM

I was invited to a college friend's wedding. We were friends for 4 years in college (we've been out for two), and lived together for 3 years during college. Because I live in Japan and he lives in Minnesota I've been bugging him about the date and if I'm invited or not, as it would be quit the trip to come to it.

So he finally gets around to setting a date and tells me I'm invited. My response is something akin to "Sure I'll come! Put me down for 'yes' and a guest." This sets him off in a bad way. He calls me "arrogant" for wanting to bring a guest and that they don't want me bringing a guest. Only married couples of couples who are engaged are allowed. I even offer to pay for guests' meal charges, which gets me even more guff. He signs offline in quite a bad mood over it. (My guest would be my girlfriend of 10 months who would also be traveling halfway around the world for this event, and her first time in the US of A. No she is not Japanese.) I was quite surprised by this because I just thought it was standard wedding practice to assume a wedding guest would bring along a 'guest', unless otherwise stated.

Anyways, my question to you is this: Was it wrong for me to assume, without being told otherwise, that I would be allowed a guest at a wedding?

Chuckit · Nov 23, 2007, 08:46 PM

If he'd sent a proper invitation for you only, that would be one thing (I mean, by that point, they might have seating tightly planned out and everything), but he's got no business whining about wedding protocol if he's inviting you over the Internet. It seems like a fair enough assumption that he wouldn't be upset over the suggestion of a guest in that case.

MacosNerd · Nov 23, 2007, 08:47 PM

No, I think your friend is the one with the problem, I've always had the option to bring a guest to all of the weddings I've been invited too.

Its his (and his bride's) wedding and they can do what ever they want but that doesn't mean you have to attend.

Doofy · Nov 23, 2007, 08:49 PM

Originally Posted by JoshuaZ

He calls me "arrogant" for wanting to bring a guest and that they don't want me bringing a guest. Only married couples or couples who are engaged are allowed. I even offer to pay for guests' meal charges, which gets me even more guff. He signs offline in quite a bad mood over it.

I'd tell the guy to go shove it up his backside. It's not at all unreasonable to expect to take a "plus one". In fact, it's quite unreasonable for him not to ask you if you'll be "plus one" in the first place.

It actually sounds like the guy is a real asshole. Hire a boxer to gatecrash his reception and punch him in the nads.

macdude · Nov 23, 2007, 08:50 PM

I would not worry about it, and respectfully decline your RSVP. He seems very immature and rude.

(Obviously I voted "Your friend is just being pissy and rude.")

BadKosh · Nov 23, 2007, 09:13 PM

He sounds too shallow. Perhaps its rubbed of from his fiance' ? THEY have no manners. I bet it will be in a trailer park rental office anyway.

Chuckit · Nov 23, 2007, 09:16 PM

Fiancees have no manners?

mydog8mymac · Nov 23, 2007, 09:51 PM

Truly bad form on your friend's part.
Don't opt for an expensive gift.

KeriVit · Nov 23, 2007, 10:16 PM

it's wrong to assume a guest, but his reaction was uncalled for.

JoshuaZ · Nov 23, 2007, 10:51 PM

Thanks for the vote of confidence guys and gals.

While it would have been one thing for me to get an invitation that said NO guests, its another to send an IM invite and then be super rude and pissy about me assuming a guest. (I quote him after I said I'll be bringing a guest "You'd better be drunk right now because you're really pissing me off.")

Anyone that assumes its because he's about to marry a ^&%^#*@^ is more or less correct. He's about to marry his mother, but in a younger body. Not a good thing.

I decided a week ago not to attend. I wasn't spending 30 some hours traveling, $2,000, and half my days off for the year if it wasn't going to include my girlfriend. (Who, at the time of this guy's wedding, I would have been seeing for LONGER then the two of them were seeing each other at the time of their engagement.) He's a nice guy, but has turned out to be a lousy post college friend.

Thanks MacNNers. It's been bothering me more then it should have. I think I'll go relax by flying my airplanes outside.

Cold Warrior · Nov 23, 2007, 11:15 PM

sounds like a prick

consider yourself lucky you found out before spending the money and burning time off, and toting a gift 10,000 miles across an ocean.

IceEnclosure · Nov 23, 2007, 11:22 PM

what a jackoff

euchomai · Nov 24, 2007, 03:03 AM

Good decision in the end.

Atheist · Nov 24, 2007, 03:20 AM

I'm inclined to agree that your former friend is an idiot. It wasn't rude of you to assume you could bring your girlfriend. Furthermore, for him to imply that he would invite you under the stipulation that you couldn't bring your girlfriend is beyond insulting. Wedding ceremonies are much ado about nothing. I say people just elope and use the money you would have wasted on your wedding for a really awesome honeymoon.

JoshuaZ · Nov 24, 2007, 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by Atheist

I'm inclined to agree that your former friend is an idiot. It wasn't rude of you to assume you could bring your girlfriend. Furthermore, for him to imply that he would invite you under the stipulation that you couldn't bring your girlfriend is beyond insulting. Wedding ceremonies are much ado about nothing. I say people just elope and use the money you would have wasted on your wedding for a really awesome honeymoon.

I can't agree more! Weddings seem to be more a status symbol or orgy of self-congratulations then about love these days.

My father has thrown a deal my way about getting married. If I elope he will pay for any sort of honeymoon, anywhere in the world. He believes that any amount of money is worth him not dealing with my mother dealing with any wedding I'm in.

Kevin · Nov 24, 2007, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by Cold Warrior

sounds like a prick

consider yourself lucky you found out before spending the money and burning time off, and toting a gift 10,000 miles across an ocean.

Quoted for the truf.

Kevin · Nov 24, 2007, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by JoshuaZ

My father has thrown a deal my way about getting married. If I elope he will pay for any sort of honeymoon, anywhere in the world. He believes that any amount of money is worth him not dealing with my mother dealing with any wedding I'm in.

TAKE THE DEAL! Everyone knows the honeymoon is the best part anyhow.

You could even think of something romantic like lighting the room you are in with candles, and having your own private wedding cermony were you just basically tell her all the things about her that makes her special, and makes her the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

She'll remember that a lot more than a wedding that just blurs by. IMHO

OreoCookie · Nov 24, 2007, 08:10 AM

Usually spouses are invited, that's to be expected -- especially if you offer to cover the extra expenses. It's quite rude to turn you down. It's also a no-brainer that you need to know things in advance, he knows you're on another continent and it's quite an effort to organize and pay for the trip.

I probably would have done the same.

andi*pandi · Nov 24, 2007, 09:52 AM

It would be very rude to invite someone single and NOT say plus guest. And in your case, that you'd travel so far for him... yet he didn't want you to bring a guest... you made the right choice. Perhaps that's what he wanted anyhow, now Aunt Mildred can have your seat.

nonhuman · Nov 24, 2007, 12:13 PM

Keep in mind that he's a) incredibly stressed out about the whole thing, b) dealing with a fiancée who's also incredibly stressed out about the whole thing, and, unless he's lucky enough that cost is not an issue and that her (or his) family is simply picking up the tab, incredibly stressed out about the budget.

Planning a wedding is a hell of a lot more involved and difficult than you'd expect if you haven't done it. Especially if he's a detail oriented type if person, he's got all sorts of **** to worry about and he's having to deal with the fact that a lot of it isn't turning out quite the way he wanted/expected.

So yes, he's being kind of an ass, but cut him a little bit of slack.

As for the importance of a wedding, I used to agree with those of you who are saying that it's just a pointless exercise in arrogance and all that. But now that I'm engaged, I'm learning that it can definitely be a lot more. Before I woild have been happy with a quick visit to a courthouse, but my fiancee and my uncle's wedding that I recently attended have convinced me othewise. Though I'm still not a huge fan of all the pomp and circumstance, I'm now looking forward to formally bringing our two families together, and have realized that all that fluff that goes into it is really for the guests as a way to show them that they're important enough to us that we want to share our happiness and our lives with them. (If you told me a year ago that I'd be saying something like that, I'd have thought you were insane.)

OreoCookie · Nov 24, 2007, 12:35 PM

I don't think being stressed justifies being such an idiot. I've just been to a wedding and the couple was great to us (similar situation: we've met in Japan and we were four guests from four different countries). They were aware that it costs us a lot of money just to attend their wedding.

elyzabennet · Nov 24, 2007, 08:52 PM

The way your friend reacted was rude and I think you're right to not go. But, as someone planning their own wedding, I would like to add something about the bringing a guest idea. If a person is in a committed relationship (10 months is most definitely one) then they should be able to bring their boyfriend/girlfriend. But, as a bride, I don't want someone at my wedding that I don't know and that you picked us at some bar a few weeks before the wedding. My wedding is less than forty people. I will know everyone there, which is why some people who are being invited are not getting an "and guest" invitation. But if you're going to have a 300+ wedding, then they probably wouldn't care too much anyways.

Shaddim · Nov 24, 2007, 09:55 PM

Just tell him, "No, thanks". This guy has issues.

I'm surprised you even mentioned it, regarding a +1. I always took dates to weddings, and no one ever dressed me down for it. On the contrary, most of my friends were anxious to meet the insane chicks that I brought.

Buckaroo · Nov 24, 2007, 10:06 PM

Screw it, go on a nice vacation here in the US. You can get 2 week AmTrak train tickets real cheap.

If you travel by train over the winter, take the northern route, it is beautiful during the winter.

JoshuaZ · Nov 24, 2007, 10:40 PM

Originally Posted by Buckaroo

Screw it, go on a nice vacation here in the US. You can get 2 week AmTrak train tickets real cheap.

If you travel by train over the winter, take the northern route, it is beautiful during the winter.

Oh my god. Amtrak. Please no. After two and a half years in Japan doing Amtrak again would probably kill me. The humanity.

besson3c · Nov 24, 2007, 10:57 PM

Hey Joshua: what is your friend's email address? I want to piss him off by asking if I can come to his wedding...

scaught · Nov 24, 2007, 11:25 PM

^
Yes. Post the address and we'll all crash it. In your honour.

turtle777 · Nov 25, 2007, 01:22 AM

Your friend is an idiot.

Seems like he didn't even bother to find out what kind of guest you were planning to bring.
Just imagine you were married already. He would have still reacted the same way. Idiot.

-t

Kevin · Nov 25, 2007, 06:48 AM

Originally Posted by besson3c

Hey Joshua: what is your friend's email address? I want to piss him off by asking if I can come to his wedding...

Don't forget to bring a date.

JoshuaZ · Nov 25, 2007, 08:45 AM

As much as I would love to post his email address and piss him off I'm trying to be the civil one in all of this. I wrote him a rather... not so fun letter, but then toned it down heavily. His response was that I was being pushy about being invited to the wedding. I guess me IMing him once or twice a month asking when his wedding is, and if I was invited, so I could request time off work and schedule my summer vacation around it was highly inappropriate. (I find it funny that a guy I hardly ever talk to calls me pushy... Sigh....)

Live and learn I guess.

Oh, and elyzabennet. I understand the small wedding idea, and have no problem if it was a very small ordeal. I just found his behavior quite rude and sad. Though I must ask myself what kind of friend he is, as he didn't know I was seeing someone for the past 10 months. Heck, a quick read of my blog would do that. (Ok, so I don't advertise I'm seeing someone on my blog, but seeing me with the same girl in a lot of photos probably would have tipped him off.)

MacosNerd · Nov 25, 2007, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by JoshuaZ

(I find it funny that a guy I hardly ever talk to calls me pushy... Sigh....)

Well if you really are not that close to him, I'd just respectfully decline his invitation.