[analogika]

In life, it is vital never to miss an opportunity to kill a joke with too many words (or paragraphs, as the case may be).

[KeyLimePi]

OMG, do I HATE it when people over-tell a joke. Some jokes, particuarly stupid ones, are not improved by adding unnecessary detail. In fact, it makes them worse if you try to take them too seriously.

I have a friend who cannot tell a joke. Here is how he and I tell the same joke:


Me:

A guy's driving down the road when he sees a chicken with four legs. He gets out of the car and tries to catch it, but itt runs all the way to a farmhouse. The guy sees the farmer and says "that chicken has four legs." And the farmer says "yea, I breed them like that for the extra drumsticks." And the guy says, "Wow, how do they taste?" And the farmer says "Dunno. Ain't never caught one."



My friend:

A man and his kids are driving down a country road on their way to church when a chicken runs out into the middle of the road. The man slams on the breaks just in time and narrowly awvoids hitting the bird, but then the man realizes that the chicken has four legs. He figures a rare bird like that is probably worth a lot of money so he decides to catch it and take to the university to study it. He starts chasing the chicken around the car but he can't catch it. "Kids," he yells, "help me catch this chicken." So his kids get out of the car and they are all chasing the chicken and pretty soon it starts running down the road toward a farm, with the man and all three of his kids chasing behind it. The chicken runs through the pasture and then across a cornfield and then finally sprints into an open barn. The out of breath man says to his kids "Wait here and I'll go in after it." Inside the barn the man sees a farmer and the farmer says "what do you think you're doing?" The man says, "I saw a chicken with four legs and we're trying to catch it. It's got to be a one-of-a-kind animal." And the farmer says, "Nah, it's not. I've got hundreds of them." And the man says "Really? Where did they come from?" And the farmer says "I breed them like that. This way I get twice as many drumsticks." And the man says "Oh I see. That's great thinking. But how do they taste?" And the farmer says, "I don't know...I've never been able to catch one."

[DeeKat]

Apparently this is a real story

Only in Alberta. (this is in Canada for the geographically impaired)

This was in the Calgary Sun; the title of the article was “Best Comeback Line Ever “. In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop ; “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't”. He stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”; ”I guess I was just really into it, you know?” He commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brin Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure”; said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin”. Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward and said “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?” He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already!?”

[analogika]

Originally Posted by KeyLimePi

OMG, do I HATE it when people over-tell a joke. Some jokes, particuarly stupid ones, are not improved by adding unnecessary detail. In fact, it makes them worse if you try to take them too seriously.

Ah, no, I was digging at abe posting another essay in response to my explanation, which would have probably best stood for itself.

You're talking about turning a mildly lame joke into a shaggy dog story - a process which can be absolutely hilarious.

It just has to be done right.

[abe]

Originally Posted by analogika

In life, it is vital never to miss an opportunity to kill a joke with too many words (or paragraphs, as the case may be).

What can I say? Just chalk it up as another example of being a 'dumb American.'

[abe]

Originally Posted by analogika

Ah, no, I was digging at abe posting another essay in response to my explanation, which would have probably best stood for itself.

You're talking about turning a mildly lame joke into a shaggy dog story - a process which can be absolutely hilarious.

It just has to be done right.

Oh, I guess I did sorta straddle the genres, huh?

[abe]

A man walks into a baaaa with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

There was once a man who was in a baaaa, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves.

He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his baaaa.

He leaves.

He then comes in the BACK door, comes the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my baaaa!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many baaaas do you work at?"

There.

[abe]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving".

The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[mac1896]

A family has sat down for breakfast, and teenager Junior is obviously absent.

Nobody has seen him since the afternoon before.

He finally stumbles in, looking tired and bedraggled, and takes his seat at the breakfast table.

Well, look who finally decided to show up says dad sarcastically.

Where the f*** have you been all night? Forget about anything to eat, you can't get here on time, you don't eat.

Says the teen, C'mon dad, gimme a break ! I went out and got laid for the first time last night !

You chip off the old block ! says Dad, now overjoyed and beaming with pride. You're going to need plenty of energy for that !

Dad now sets a HUGE plate of food in front of the boy, encouraging him to eat up.

You are going out again tonight, right son ??

Nah, I don't think so dad...........

............my ass is still sore from last night.

[abe]

Funny. I had to read it twice to 'get' it.

[abe]

An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's office they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Originally Posted by DeeKat

Apparently this is a real story

No offence, but why do people feel the need to try to convince us that a joke is "a real story" when it is bleeding obvious that it is just a joke and not real? Just tell the joke.

EDIT: just checked snopes - yep - it's just a joke - not real.

[abe]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?"

He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from.

He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??"

The parrot replies "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".



A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

[abe]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.

Finally, her husband arrived home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[olePigeon]

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four hundred and sixty-two:

Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;
Twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry;
Sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;
Thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs;
Fifty-three to design a blockgrant so the states can change the bulb;
Forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead; and
two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.

[zmcgill]

Originally Posted by olePigeon

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four hundred and sixty-two:

Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;
Twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry;
Sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;
Thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs;
Fifty-three to design a blockgrant so the states can change the bulb;
Forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead; and
two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.

And about 150 million democrats to bitch about how they're doing it wrong

[olePigeon]

Originally Posted by Gossamer

And about 150 million democrats to bitch about how they're doing it wrong

Touché.

[Strix]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"




(Spike Milligan)

[davesimondotcom]

Originally Posted by Gossamer

And about 150 million democrats to bitch about how they're doing it wrong

Try more like 50some million Democrats to bitch about how they're doing it wrong even though the light is quite clearly on.

[davesimondotcom]

A recent poll in California showed that 60% of all respondants were against illegal immigration. The other 40% answered "no habla inglés!"

[mac1896]

Originally Posted by davesimondotcom

A recent poll in California showed that 60% of all respondants were against illegal immigration. The other 40% answered "no habla inglés!"

[abe]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy."

[mac1896]

Originally Posted by abe

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy."

Oy Vey.........

[abe]

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

[abe]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully............"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

[Miniryu]

Originally Posted by analogika

In life, it is vital never to miss an opportunity to kill a joke with too many words (or paragraphs, as the case may be).

I know! That supplies joke with the asian guy on an island could have been really funny, but it was destroyed by a horrible retelling.

Funniest jokes in the thread so far:

•the two talking muffins in the oven
•the monkey who ate the cue ball
•the man who was in solitary confinement for 20 years with a ton of cigarettes
•the absolute funniest joke was the one about the two men sitting on a plane next to each other with two black eyes.

The whole key to humor is unpredictability. When you read a lot of jokes (like I do), you begin to see a formula. When a joke breaks this formula and catches you off your toes, it is funny.

I also laughed at that dog joke for quite a while- it should have been obvious but it caught me off guard. Same with the old people writing stuff down.

[PER3]

What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?

















Having to go to bed so early!

[abe]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him:

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."



(Old joke but still makes me smile!)

[abe]

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?

A. A microwave stops when you open the door.


For those who don't get it.
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,2817,00.html

[abe]

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!"

Nixon: "Screw the women and children"

Clinton: "Do we have time?"

[abe]

Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible."

"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam."

Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later, the president entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, "Hi, Bill."

[abe]

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

[abe]

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch.

After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said: "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

[abe]

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.

The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

[abe]

There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them.

When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding".

The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."

So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!"

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"

[abe]

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

[abe]

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.

Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.

He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread eagle. He thinks to himself, " I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her."

So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?"

Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

[abe]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[abe]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing.

So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing.

Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.

Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[abe]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[abe]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[abe]

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

[abe]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[abe]

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[mac1896]

Originally Posted by abe

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.

The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Along similar lines:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were shipwrecked at the same time on an island. They have been there for several months when one day while walking along the beach, they find a genie-type lamp partially buried in the sand:

Redhead: Look !! A genie-type lamp!

They pick it out of the sand and begin to clean it up (by rubbing it of course, what the hell were you thinking?), when suddenly the air fills with smoke and a terrible odor.

When the smoke clears, a genie is standing in the midst of the still-violently-coughing women:

Genie: Ummmmm, sorry 'bout that, but I've been holding that in for the last hundred years or so, didn't want to let it out inside the lamp, as it's a bit cramped in there.

Well anyway, I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me and you are entitled to three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'm going to cheap out and give you one wish apiece, so use it wisely!

Brunette: Oh, I want to go back to 5th Avenue, and go through all the stores and spend all my money, and then go back top my mansion and whip my servants !

Poof ! The brunette is gone !

Redhead: I want to be back on the farm with my husband and my kids in Iowa. I miss my husband comforting me after each time I'm abducted by the aliens. I want to be with my kids, well I'm pretty sure they're my kids, and not alien half-breeds. Oh genie, send me home !

Poof ! The redhead is gone ! (Thank God !)

The genie now turns to the blonde, who has tears streaming down her face.

Genie: What is wrong child, I thought that you would be overjoyed at the opportunity to have whatever your heart desires.

Blomde: Oh, it's not that Mr. Genie, it's just that I already miss my friends.....

I just wish that I had them back.........

[abe]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[abe]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg.

As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ****in' ass."

[Mithras]

The Prairie Home Companion movie (which was great, btw) featured a little run of Bad Jokes of the sort apparently popular in this thread.
I can only remember a couple of them, but they went something like this:

Dusty: Hey Lefty, do you know why they call it PMS?
Lefty: I sure don't, Dusty!
Dusty: 'Cause "Mad Cow" was already taken!

Lefty: Hey Dusty, you hear the one about the farmer with the prize bull who was hired out for stud 200 times a year?
Dusty: No sir, Lefty, how's it go?
Lefty: Well, the farmer's wife remarked to him, "That bull sure is impressive... 200 times a year -- seems to me you could learn a thing or two from him!"
And the farmer replied, "He's a strong bull to be sure, but the thing is that it ain't with the same cow every time."

Dusty: You know what the elephant said to the naked man?
Lefty: No, what?
Dusty: It's kinda cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?

etc.

[abe]

Originally Posted by Mithras

The Prairie Home Companion movie (which was great, btw) featured a little run of Bad Jokes of the sort apparently popular in this thread.
I can only remember a couple of them, but they went something like this:



etc.

Glad to hear you liked the film! I'm looking forward to seeing it.

[abe]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.

The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?

The man says, "I hate that ****." Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.

The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks."

You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.