[Thorzdad]

Hi all. I've managed to, at the very least, climb up to the edge of this black hole and see some light, which means I can (somewhat) deal with the world again. I'm sorry for any worries I may have caused, and I am deeply grateful for the check-ins. Seriously. It means more than y'all know.

Depression's a motherfucker of a motherfucker.

[Laminar]

Welcome back. Hope you're taking care of yourself and doing something every day to make yourself feel better.

[subego]

Welcome back! That you want to be back again more than makes up for any worry.

[ghporter]

Thorz, I have experience with depression from both sides of treatment, and calling it a motherfucker of a motherfucker is being extra polite and gentle.

I’m not going to ask about any details, but I DO want you to know that there are a lot of people who you know, one way or another, who care. And it’s pretty amazing how broad and deep the range of experiences people here at these forums can and do bring. One of our members many years ago used “Lexapro” as his handle…look it up.

So instead of tossing clinical advice at you, (I just deleted several paragraphs of such advice), I’m simply going to ask you to find help and stick with it. It’s worth it, and it will matter to a lot of people.

[andi*pandi]

Welcome back to the light. We are all going thru stuff, and it doesn't always show.

<insert facebook meme here with kitten hanging from branch>

[Thorzdad]

Originally Posted by ghporter 

Thorz, I have experience with depression from both sides of treatment, and calling it a motherfucker of a motherfucker is being extra polite and gentle.

I’m not going to ask about any details, but I DO want you to know that there are a lot of people who you know, one way or another, who care. And it’s pretty amazing how broad and deep the range of experiences people here at these forums can and do bring. One of our members many years ago used “Lexapro” as his handle…look it up.

So instead of tossing clinical advice at you, (I just deleted several paragraphs of such advice), I’m simply going to ask you to find help and stick with it. It’s worth it, and it will matter to a lot of people.

Thanks, Glen.
Finding the help is sort of a problem. I’ve been in and out of therapy most of my adult life, and it’s quite an ordeal at times. Finding someone you click with and can work with is a huge pain it the ass. Sometimes you know it isn’t going to work right away. Sometimes it takes a lot longer to realize it isn’t going to work. It’s pretty exasperating and, after awhile, you kind of get gunshy about going down that hole once again.

These days, it’s also difficult to find a therapist who knows how to work with people like me, those with a life-long diagnosis of major depressive disorder. Most therapists today seem to only know how to treat people going through occasional bouts of depression, usually triggered by some recent event or another. They throw 6-8 sessions of CBT at them and all is good. People like me baffle them, because what I have is deep inside. It’s a part of me. And their flavor of treatment bounces off me.

I’ve only had two therapists in my life who really knew how to work with me. They were both PhD students at the university in the small town I used to live in. Sessions with them were pretty damned amazing. But then they graduated and moved on, and their replacements just never worked out. I’ve been researching therapists in my area. The trick is finding someone who takes Medicare. They’re out there, but few and far between.

[OreoCookie]

I have people very close to me in my life who have been suffering from depression, OCD and anxiety disorders. It is tough to come to the realization that your mental disorder is chronic and will need to be monitored and treated for the rest of your life (which sounds like is the case for you).

There will be ups and downs. My sister had to stop taking one of her antidepressants when she wanted to get pregnant. The result is not pretty, especially because she got major back problems (think extreme pain) and pregnancy-induced diabetes. Point being even though she had managed everything well, life can throw you out of balance.

You also should not feel the need to apologize. I'd just add that connecting to people is part of the cure, so I am very happy you are back here with us!

[Spheric Harlot]

If you’re apologising in the sense „oh hay guys, I broke my leg, that’s why I haven’t been around“, cool.

If you’re apologising in the sense of feeling guilty, you can fuck right off, because we really can’t have you feeling guilty over a depression.

If you can’t, you can’t.

And you caused worry because there was cause for worry. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

I for one am extremely grateful for every single person with depression who tells me about it. I know how alone and helpless I felt at the time, and there’s a whole fuckload of us — both former and acutely affected — and just knowing that chances are, you’re gonna find people who know, simply by telling folks, is a Very, Very Good Thing.

Hang in there.

[ghporter]

Let me echo both Oreo’s and Spheric’s points: do NOT apologize for having this problem. Apologizing for not being around is different. And it is very important to think of it in those terms. The words we think change how we feel about the situation, and how we feel about ourselves.

Spheric is spot on about the analogy with the broken leg..”Sorry I couldn’t get to the cafe on the second floor, but I can’t climb stairs yet ‘cause this cast sucks” is a valid statement. But feeling guilty or ineffective about not showing up around here is what the depression is saying. Depression lies. It hijacks those inner thoughts we have about ourselves and twists them to make us more depressed.

There’s a very effective self-management technique developed by Dr. David Burns that addresses these very things. Simply listening to that “negative self-talk” and refuting the negatives with truths breaks down that negative cycle. You have to pay attention to the negativity to shine a light on it, then you can see it for what it is: lies. See his book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.

This technique is a “cognitive-behavioral” approach, a sort of self-applied form of classic conditioning, and it works. It can not only break a cycle of negative thoughts, but also help a person break the habit of thinking this way.

[subego]

Bad thought processes can lead to depression, and CBT is a great cure for it.

If the depression is caused by something else, my experience has been the utility of CBT is limited. My ex is this way. Being proven wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt doesn’t shake the bad thought process loose for her.

[Spheric Harlot]

Yeah. Trauma doesn’t fix that easily, in general. Or really „fix“ at all. It’s more about knowing it and learning to live with it.

[ghporter]

Trauma leaves scars, sometimes invisible ones. The way to progress after trauma is to accept, process, learn, and move on. There’s a Jimmy Buffett song about Hurricane Katrina’s impact on New Orleans called “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On”. That sentiment is amazingly useful for “getting over” things.

You do NOT “get over” things, really. But if you learn from them - about the event, about yourself, whatever - and learn that you can’t change what happened in the past, but you CAN change how you think, act, and feel NOW.

C.S. Lewis said:

You can't go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending.

I find that quite inspiring.