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Agasthya · Mar 17, 2004, 12:26 AM

First, a little backstory. I'm in an astronomy class and my TA is apparently friends with my "friend"'s girlfriend. His girlfriend hates me and I hate her...We haven't spoken for over a year and I'm fine with that. My "friend" and I had a disagreement because she told him that I said something (which I didn't) and he believed her and came after me...I forgave him that time. I registered late for my astronomy class so I missed the first few lectures and I talked to the professor and he gave me permission to turn in the second homework assignment with the third one. I was going through the online gradebook the other day and I found out that I had received a zero on the second homework from my TA because he thought it was late. So I emailed him and asked him to talk to the professor. That same night, I showed my TA's website to my "friend" and he said that he knew the guy and so did his girlfriend. The next day, I met with my TA and he said that he spoke with the professor and I would be given an excused for the homework since I had permission to turn it in late. I also asked him if he knew my "friend" and his girlfriend, he said yes. This was all about two weeks ago.

So, here's my situation. My "friend" IM'd me today with:

Code:
17:38:48 Stuart: WE NEED TO TALK
17:39:02 Stuart: CAUSE YOU JUST GOT YOURSELF IN FUCKING TROUBLE WITH THE STUNT YOU
                 PULLED IN ASTRONOMY

I was away from my computer so I called him on his cell and he immediatly started yelling at me about the "stunt" that I had pulled. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about and I kept trying to ask him and he kept saying "you damn well know what I'm talking about." Finally, I got him to tell me the reason he was so upset...apparently, his girlfriend had told him that she had received information that I had used my relationship with my "friend" and his girlfriend to get the zero removed from the gradebook. He yelled at me for about five minutes before I finally read him the email that I wrote to my TA and told him exactly what happened. He then hung up to "get the story straight." He called me back two hours later and apologized to me. I told him that he disrespected me and didn't even try to get my side of the story - even though I'd known him for eight years and he was a pretty good friend of mine. I also told him that I didn't think that I could be his friend anymore since he has accused me twice of saying shit that I didn't (And come after me about it) just because his woman "told him so." I don't think there's any hope of him dumping his girlfriend because he forgave her after she said that she "Hated his guts" and various other fun things that you aren't supposed to tell people that you supposedly like.

Was I right in telling him that I didn't want to associate myself with him anymore? I've talked to three or four friends since this incident and they have all agreed with me and they are all also friends of the guy who accused me. I just want an opinion of some un-biased people.

Oh yeah, sorry for the long post

Tulkas · Mar 17, 2004, 12:38 AM

I think you over reacted and possibly ruined a very good friendship.

Spliffdaddy · Mar 17, 2004, 12:39 AM

Never abandon a friendship. Especially one that is eight years old.

There are few things in life more worthwhile than friendships.

Nobody gets along with their friend's girlfriend (or vice versa), by the way...something about competing for time and attention.

You don't have to be an 'active' friend, to be a friend. Too many folks think it's all or nothing. As if they have to choose either friend or foe. I don't know where that started, because it's BS.

zachs · Mar 17, 2004, 12:43 AM

I'd say you overreacted. Like Spliff said, never abandon a friendship.
They're one of the most important kinds of relationships you can have, so it's silly to end one unless it's REALLY for a good reason.

brapper · Mar 17, 2004, 12:44 AM

Originally posted by Tulkas:
I think you over reacted and possibly ruined a very good friendship.

f*ck that.
you gve him a good wake up call. that's it.
you could punch him in the face though, he does deseve that. Then call it even.
all i know is that I wouldn't pull that on my friends, and if they did to me I'd have reacted the same as you.

dtriska · Mar 17, 2004, 12:46 AM

**** him. You don't need that ****.

People who go on about never giving up on friendships are just insecure.

forkies · Mar 17, 2004, 12:51 AM

Originally posted by dtriska:
**** him. You don't need that ****.

People who go on about never giving up on friendships are just insecure.

word

Tulkas · Mar 17, 2004, 12:54 AM

No, I'm pretty sure its the insecure people who sacrifice friendships because they think they don't need anyone.

Spliffdaddy · Mar 17, 2004, 01:03 AM

The right way is never the easy way.

It would be simple to tell your friend to kiss your ass and see ya later. problem solved.

Ain't quite so easy to understand, forgive, and accept your friend as he is....but you'll be a better person for doing it.

Get accustomed to doing the right thing especially if it involves extra effort. Shortcuts are for losers. You'll see what I mean.

starman · Mar 17, 2004, 01:09 AM

You learn in life that people are just stupid sometimes. My wife and I were good friends with this couple until we had kids. We decided that the godparents were going to stay in the family because, from experience, family stays together more than friends do. Well lo and behold, our "friends" don't talk to us anymore because, we found out, we picked family over them to be godparents. Ironic, eh?

Mike

torsoboy · Mar 17, 2004, 02:01 AM

your friend took his girlfriend's side twice, and you think that's a reason to not be his friend anymore? sounds like an overreaction to me. it reminds me of a couple of little kids who fight over their toys and one says "your not my friend anymore"... a little childish.

Mastrap · Mar 17, 2004, 02:14 AM

With apologies to all non UK residents who probably will have no idea what I am on about.

TubaMuffins · Mar 17, 2004, 02:20 AM

once he realizes how whipped he is and how much of a b his girl is, he'll realize that you two should still be friends. Bros before hos. Dicks before chicks, Guys before pies. that last one was a srtetch, you get the idea though. But i do think you were right in sending him the message that his woman is manipulating him, it will help him realize his own situation. Good luck.

daimoni · 12:44 AM

.

mixin visuals · Mar 17, 2004, 04:06 AM

is this rocket science? heheh

quandarry · Mar 17, 2004, 04:41 AM

i think they are both mentally deranged.

get the **** away from both of them before you find yourself being hacked

to pieces with a hatchet or in jail being framed for the murder of your ta.

Sandbaggins · Mar 17, 2004, 05:07 AM

Originally posted by TubaMuffins:
once he realizes how whipped he is and how much of a b his girl is, he'll realize that you two should still be friends. Bros before hos. Dicks before chicks, Guys before pies. that last one was a srtetch, you get the idea though. But i do think you were right in sending him the message that his woman is manipulating him, it will help him realize his own situation. Good luck.

LOL... I think the OP is female.

Dicks before chicks... Fvck that. You can keep the sausages

Rain · Mar 17, 2004, 05:45 AM

If your gut instinct tells you to distant yourself from him, then distant yourself from him.

The time and energy you waste with him can be used to build a better rapport with your other friends. I've been in a similar situation, and splitting from those "friends" was the best thing I did.

Life's too short to be around people who treat you like sh*t.

dillerX · Mar 17, 2004, 06:38 AM

Originally posted by daimoni:
This might help.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/tv/lit..._courtroom.ram

Bwhahahah!

Cipher13 · Mar 17, 2004, 08:12 AM

Some friends they are... **** it. Not worth your trouble. Good work, you spoke your mind

paully dub · Mar 17, 2004, 09:00 AM

I have a credo: friends give each other the benefit of the doubt. Rather jump to conclusions and fly off the handle they discuss things and then evaluate.

If a friend of mine come to me with the "I'm pissed at you because I heard so and so" I remind him of the credo, offer to discuss things calmly. Some friends just aren't worth losing forever over an incident or two, but I do my best to filter.

Actually this doesn't happen too often because a: I try to keep my nose clean around people with a 'dramatic' dispostion and b: here in France, where politeness reigns, people tend to hate you silently.

gadster · Mar 17, 2004, 09:39 AM

I don't think you did the right thing, there.

Even if the guy had gone postal on you before on account of his girl, at least he gave you the benefit of the doubt and double-checked the facts. Then he had the courage and respect to apologise to you about his reaction.

Sounds like a decent guy to me. Not only did he give you the benefit of the doubt in this instance, in the end he took your side.

Friends like that don't come easy. Tell him you need a break, need to see 'other friends' for a while, then go out together (if he can get a leave pass) for a big one.

Like Spliffdaddy said (and I have new-found respect for the guy):

Ain't quite so easy to understand, forgive, and accept your friend as he is....but you'll be a better person for doing it.

Get accustomed to doing the right thing especially if it involves extra effort. Shortcuts are for losers. You'll see what I mean.

Spheric Harlot · Mar 17, 2004, 09:42 AM

Originally posted by Rain:
If your gut instinct tells you to distant yourself from him, then distant yourself from him.

The time and energy you waste with him can be used to build a better rapport with your other friends. I've been in a similar situation, and splitting from those "friends" was the best thing I did.

Life's too short to be around people who treat you like sh*t.

If it's his girlfriend influencing him, there's bugger-all you can do except piss off and hope he grows out of it eventually.

And if not, you've let him know that he was out of line (which he was), so now piss off and hope he grows out of it eventually.

Or not.

Edit: Whether or not he's actually your friend will show in how he handles the upcoming weeks/months.

-s*

Agasthya · Mar 17, 2004, 11:29 AM

Thanks for the pieces of advice guys.

I think I'm going to just let the situation calm down for the next couple of weeks and see where it goes from there. I was pretty surprised that he actually apologized. That probably meant that he found out that she was straight up lying to him because this guy doesn't apologize for ANYTHING..

I understand both points of view here but I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the people that say that I should have forgave him... the way that he was yelling at me on the phone it really didn't sound like he was my friend. When he was saying **** like "Are you so stupid that you thought that I wouldn't find out about this **** that you just pulled?" it really didn't sound he gave a damn about my opinion on the situation.

And frankly, I'm not so mad that he came after me like he did, I'm more upset that he didn't even try to ask for my side of the story before tearing me down. He didn't even use his head... why the hell would someone commit academic fraud and then go tell everyone about it? Doesn't seem like a smart course of action to me since it would jeopardize both his position as a TA and his PhD position at the University.

We'll see where this all goes in the upcoming weeks, but I don't think that I'll be reconsidering my stance unless something wild happens.

And no, I'm not female

mitchell_pgh · Mar 17, 2004, 12:05 PM

I've only had issues twice with any of my guy friends. I always start the conversation the same way.

"I need to talk to you about something. I really didn't appreciate what you did [the other night bla bla bla]. I felt that you were being disrespectful to me [or my property]. I'm telling you this because I respect our friendship and would hope that if I disrespected you, you would call me on it."

Usually the go in to apology mode and we forget about it a week or so later.

It works very well. I've been called out a few times as well, and it all worked itself out well.

chris v · Mar 17, 2004, 12:24 PM

Nobody needs to tolerate being yelled at by anybody, ever. If you want to salvage the freindship, tell him that you simply will not tolerate being harrassed any longer, and that if he does it again, you'll shut him down without a word.

Then do just that. If he emails you with accusatory crap, just don't reply. If he calls you on the phone and starts yelling, just hang up. If he doesn't get it after a few tries, write him off. No reason to put up with this sh*t at all, but even if he goes away for a few years, he might pop back up more mature down the road, so I wouldn't say "forever."

CV

Joshua · Mar 17, 2004, 02:24 PM

Drama.

It sounds like your friend has a crappy relationship with his girlfriend and you're feeling the fallout. Friends don't involve each other in their personal soap operas.

TubaMuffins · Mar 17, 2004, 02:31 PM

Originally posted by Sandbaggins:
LOL... I think the OP is female.

snip

o is my face red

fireside · Mar 17, 2004, 02:36 PM

i think you did the right thing. bros before hos. if he gives you crap on account of his girlfriend, he's not worth it. if he would rather take the word of his girl (who he probably hasn't know for 8 years) over yours (8 years is a long time), then he's probably not worth it.

wdlove · Mar 17, 2004, 02:51 PM

A friendship is a very valuable thing. You should try to continue if at all possible.

Sandbaggins · Mar 17, 2004, 08:39 PM

Originally posted by Agasthya:
[B

And no, I'm not female

[/B]

Ooooops... Sorry.

forkies · Mar 17, 2004, 08:59 PM

Originally posted by Joshua:
It sounds like your friend has a crappy relationship with his girlfriend and you're feeling the fallout. Friends don't involve each other in their personal soap operas.

ding ding ding!

i can't believe how many people are like "friendships are the only thing keeping me living!!! you must keep friendships 4eva!!"

narf

this guy needs to respect others like he would want to be respected. jumping to the conclusions he did is indicative of his lack of trust/friendship in Agasthya anyways, so not wanting to deal with this guy in the future is understandable.

juanvaldes · Mar 17, 2004, 09:30 PM

Bro's before Ho's

Cadaver · Mar 18, 2004, 07:48 PM

ghotirking · Mar 18, 2004, 07:59 PM

Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
Never abandon a friendship. Especially one that is eight years old.

There are few things in life more worthwhile than friendships.

I have to disagree with this statement.
I had friends I'd known for 15+ years (we went thru grade school and high school together, and hung out afterwards, too). They were losers. It took me a while after I 'dumped' them to see that. I had even made an effort to re-connect with them a couple years ago. They were still losers.
SOME friendships ARE worth keeping, I agree, but don't let the length of the friendship be the determining factor.